Life Check Yourself

On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss the season finale of the Bachelor. In this no-holds-barred episode, we learn how to detect red flags early when we meet a non-committal, Teflon-like Matt James type in the real dating world. A guy may be cute, and he may be charming but if he shows no interest in being vulnerable, he is emotionally unavailable.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Why a crumbs guy is not a bad person, just damaged
• Defining emotional unavailability
• Getting closure when a relationship doesn’t work out
• The next Bachelorette

The Bachelor episode, as disappointing as it was, held some beneficial lessons for real-world dating. Marni points out the Matt James attributes that make him a relationship-commitment-phobic f*&k boy. She warns us that in the end, a f*&k boy will be a dick. He may be cute, but he will disappear with no remorse. It pisses Marni off because he comes off as a guy who has potential.

From the male perspective, Chris says when men think of a f*&k boy, they think of an asshole. But, Matt James and those like him are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Even though he seems warm and fuzzy, he is a player. 

The f*&k boy, the quality casual guy, or the crumbs guy isn't a bad person. He is human and he is going through his stuff. BUT, he is not for you.

In the episode, we learn that Michelle asks Matt for a few minutes off-camera to fully understand what happened and to get closure but he denies her. To add a drop of cruelty, he doesn't even say he is sorry he hurt her. He instead says, ‘I am sorry you had that reaction’. 

Beyond being a jerk move, it is another example of Matt demonstrating that he doesn’t have any stock in the game. He has been doing this to Rachael the entire season. Marni says Racheal is emotionally unavailable also, that is why Matt knew he could be so rude.

Matt James isn't a quality guy. He didn't treat the women well AND he kisses with his eyes open!!

Chris and most of America want closure. Chris asks Marni, ‘What do you do when you can't get closure? How do you learn from it and move on?’ 

You can not hide from what you are leaking when you are in pain. 

Marni recommends looking at your motivation for closure and there must be a grieving process. When any type of relationship or investment of time ends we need space to grieve and process what happened.

In conclusion, Matt James is a poster child for an emotionally unavailable person. And, Michelle will be America’s next Bachelorette. 

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On this week's Dating Den, Marni speaks with the Founder and CEO of Collaborate.Work, Bevin Farrand. Bevin supports small businesses and entrepreneurs in developing and executing strategies to increase revenue. She has also created the ‘Take the Damn Trip’ movement and community. Her DAMN framework has inspired hundreds to connect with the people they love and do the crazy things that make all the difference.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Choose a path of meaning and significance
• Appreciate meaningful moments
• Get clear about what you want
• Take micro-actions to reach your goal
• Prepare for the relationship of your dreams

In 2019, Bevin and her husband took an amazing trip to France to celebrate her birthday and reconnect with each other. Bevin had just been laid off from her job and was hesitant to take such a lavish trip. But, she did and she will be forever grateful. Shortly after their return her husband just didn’t wake up one morning. Her life was turned upside down. 

Bevin created the DAMN framework to help others make the most of their lives now: 

• Decide and declare
• Attend your own party
• Meaningful moments
• Now is the time

Bevin says we go through life confusing permission and support. We unconsciously ask people for permission to follow our dreams. If you ask someone who cares about you what they think of your dreams, they consider how they feel about it and if it's uncomfortable for them, they will start to eat away at it. But, we don't need permission. We need to decide what we want and ask for support.

Stay present in the moment and understand you are creating the experience of life through your own thoughts. We create our own suffering, our own joy, and our thoughts can change in an instant.

Bevin's advice to young women who want to find their soulmate but wait for a different day or put it off until tomorrow is to get clear about what they want. In dating, if you are clear about what you want you know when something is not right for you which is equally important.

Live a fully expressed life yet be open to the possibility of meeting the person you want to spend more time with. 

Be willing to accept that your life will change when you are in a relationship. 

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Take the DAMN Trip

Collaborate.Work

On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss this week’s Fantasy Suite episode. Matt James aka the robot shed a tear this week yet still refused to give Bri or Michelle an answer when they professed their love for him. Marni offers advice for when you encounter this type of behavior in your dating life.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to spot an emotionally unavailable guy
• Dating a guy with commitment issues?
• Having sex to seal the deal
• Is this season of the Bachelor the lamest ever?

At the beginning of the show, only Bri, Michelle, and Rachael remained for the fantasy suite date. The setup is an overnight date with no cameras so the possibility of sex exists. 

Matt admits he is a bit guarded and probably a bit of a robot at the beginning of his conversation with his dad. Marni says it was weird to have that type of conversation on TV.

Matt is just now starting to realize he has some issues to work through. He is still in the victim phase blaming it on his father. Chris says Matt is still green, not ready to commit because he has never really had a girlfriend. It is almost as if Matt realized he is supposed to propose to a woman in two weeks and he is freaking out on the inside.

If you are dating someone who has issues when you mention a committed relationship be super-cautious. 

Bri & Michelle tell Matt they are in love with him and ask him where he is at. He doesn't directly answer. He is just starting on his self-discovery journey. He is not ready to marry yet. Despite this revelation, Chris thinks he will make a great husband one day.  

When dating, if you feel safe enough to tell a guy you love them and he doesn't acknowledge what you said, then moves in for a kiss you probably do not want to sleep with them at that point. You may not even want that kiss.

Only the ladies and Matt know if they had sex in the fantasy suite. 

Chris says this was not a fun episode.  The fantasy suite episodes in previous seasons were fun. Marni blames the producers for not being creative. The episode was boring even visually as everything looked the same. All three encounters were too formulated.

Chris drills Marni about why she picks on Matt so much. He asks if it would be better if Matt was saying stuff he doesn't mean? Why does she call him a f*%kboy when she could clearly see Matt's guilt when the girl walked away the next morning? Matt probably felt bad knowing the overnight meant more to the girl than to him.

Marni says of Matt James, he is charming and has potential. She doesn't think he is evil, but she believes he is a hit it and quit it type of guy.

In next week’s finale, Matt will decide between Michelle and Rachael.

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On this week's Dating Den, Marni speaks with New York-based Image Consultant and Personal Stylist for high achieving women, Melanie Lippman. Melanie advises clients about the clothes and self-talk to uplevel their confidence. She designs personal wardrobes for her clients that can eliminate overwhelm. She shares her best tips for dressing to increase your approachability factor.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• What clothes match your personality
• Why wearing oversized clothes is a no-no
• Why some women hide underneath their clothes
• Style tips for dressing for a date
• What to wear on the weekends

Many women wear oversized clothes because of body image issues that started when they were just children. Little girls are sponges during our formative years and just one comment from an aunt or sibling and we are stuck with that limiting belief until we change it.  Most of us experience this when we are going through a struggle, like the bad lighting in the fitting room.

Why do we fear calling attention to ourselves?

Melanie says when limiting beliefs about our bodies come up we should think about where those thoughts came from.  Then approach style from the opposite direction and think about what style can do FOR us. Often we females, hurt ourselves with negative self-talk. We tend to focus on things we don't like when we look in the mirror and instead we need to focus on what lights us up.

Stop using clothes to hide, it's not what clothes are for. 

Your personal style is all about being authentic and having fun with it. You don't want to feel like you are putting on a costume. Send the right message. Make sure the way you show up is in alignment with the message you want to send. Because if you don't it can come off as inauthentic and it causes distrust.  

Clothing is the largest form of non-verbal communication. Make sure you are sending the message you want to be sending.

Marni mentions that she has several beautiful, curvy clients and they have a story about their body. They feel they need to wear oversized dresses to hide their body. Melanie relates because she used to wear clothes that were too big for her. She had to learn to dress for her body type. 

You have to accept your body type and enjoy what you have. 

Wearing bulky clothes or boxy clothes will make you look two sizes bigger than you actually are. A simple strategy to make you look and feel your best:

1. Learn your body type
2. Dress in a way that balances your proportions

Melanie says, “our eyes seek symmetry”. And, with a few optical illusions, we can create that symmetry. Just changing a few little things allows us to dress confidently.

 Many high-achieving women focus their wardrobe mainly on clothes for the office. These women have a ton of work clothes but when it comes to an outfit to go out on a date, they don’t know what to wear. 

Melanie says that if this is you invest a little time and energy into finding out what the fun side of you wants to wear. What adjective would you want your weekend style to be? This is where you get to have fun. What is the fun version of you?

Remember these three tips: 

1. Dress for your body type
2. Incorporate your personality into your weekend wardrobe
3. You don't have to be uncomfortable

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Melanie Lippman

On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss the women’s tell-all episode and Matt James facial hair. This season is proving to be a letdown in the love department. We can only hope the season finale will offer some kind of twist with just Bri,  Michelle, and Rachael left in the running for the soon-to-be lackluster proposal from Matt. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Be emotional when you have strong feelings
• Bad kissers
• How to be the person you want to attract
• Find out where a relationship is headed with a single question

One aspect of the show everyone can agree on is no one likes Matt's beard. Not the girls, not the audience, and not Marni or Chris Gillis. And when you add that beard to his already weird kissing style it’s obvious that Matt may only be no more than a good-hearted f*c$boy. 

When Matt kisses the girls he does not close his eyes. And admits to not knowing he was supposed to. Wait.......What? Marni says that it displays his lack of emotional availability and will make it hard for him to find love with any of the girls this season. 

Data proves that relationships with bad kisses don’t last long.

The ladies got the opportunity to watch the episodes as they were shown to the audience. They were able to see why Chris calls his responses ‘surgical’ and Marni calls him the quintessential f*c$boy. 

While Serena said Matt has a certain way of making you feel like you are really special. Piper spilled her heart open and asked Matt to answer for repeating the same lines to all the ladies. 

Normally, at least one girl will call out the Bachelors for their experience but the ladies this season did nothing but praise Matt. 

Queen Victoria had a moment when she commented on Matt’s advice when she left the show, "I hope you do some self-reflection." Victoria said screw you buddy, but she was leaking all over the place. She is a hot mess.

Be the person you want to attract. 

Marni shares that she was a bit ticked-off by the discussion about women being too sensitive. Truth is, women have been receiving this message for their whole lives. Everyone has feelings and everyone gets to feel their feelings. It's more about what you do with the feelings, do you manage them, and articulate them in a healthy way? 

If you are not emotionally available, if you have drama around you, or have your guard up you will attract guys who will do that to you or reinforce those beliefs. People can be mirrors for our emotional selves. 

Piper said she was falling in love with Matt but admits she was already in love with him. She says ever since she was young she has always played it cool. She had her guard up. If you think a guy doesn't notice that you have your guard up, well you are wrong. It's noticeable. Chris says Piper, maybe, fell in love with the idea of being in love. We all do it. 

There is no rule and every situation is different but you must remember that you are enough and you make the decision if the person is a fit for you. If that person isn't, even if he is hot, you decide if he is not enough. 

No one wants to appear needy at the beginning of a relationship. We may let the other person drive while we are feeling people out. But exercise caution because it can quickly turn into a relationship where you don't ask for what you need. Chris uses Abigail’s style as an example.

Marni suggests using this language when a guy suddenly goes cold; 

“Hey... I think we have fun and I like where this is going but I am kind of confused because it seems a little out of character for what we have been building together, and I want to make sure we are on the same page.” 

Don't wait and wonder about what is happening. If a guy starts to pull away, don't be disempowered. Ask the question and say it in a way that doesn't put him on the spot. Then you know how he feels and has the opportunity to respond.

Don't make assumptions about where a relationship is going. Ask the question and be open to the consequences, even if it's painful. 

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Because self-care is more than getting a manicure, Marni welcomes self-love and self-care experts Brooke Emery and Tammy Lawman into the Den. The duo has been recognized by Forbes as being connectors. They share the secrets of making meaningful connections in life and how to know your value, trust your intuition, and create a deep love and appreciation of yourself. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Express yourself more fully
• Creating a self-love container
• Add joy to your life

To create a self-love container a person needs to be their whole self without worrying about or changing to fit other people’s expectations of you. This means radically accepting who you are at your core by speaking your truth and getting clear about what you want. 

Almost always, the things that bring us the most joy do not cost money. Make a list of the ways you find joy and gratitude. Then bring more joy and love into your day with mini-steps. You may not like doing the dishes but if you play your favorite song while you do them, you might just have fun. 

Creating a self-love container is about individuals designing the life they want for themselves, not taking a cookie-cutter approach. What's the problem and what's the truth in how you feel about it? Do things that push your growth edges. If you lean into something you are scared of,  the thing doesn't have control over you and it will give you a sense of freedom. 

When your container is full and you don't have to look outside of you to create a feeling of fullness you can go into situations with a higher level of confidence. Connections will naturally happen and have flow. 

Transactional partnerships don't always offer mutual respect. 

Marni says in a dating situation your why is to learn about the other person and allow the other person to experience you. It is possible to create an upward spiral of fun juju so people want to be around you no matter what you do. 

Use a date as an opportunity to show the other person you are genuinely curious about them. 

Self-Care is Not Selfish! [22:19]

Some women believe if they take care of themselves first they are being selfish. But, it just is not true. It's like the example on an airplane, a parent should put the oxygen mask on themselves first. That way they can be of service to other people. 

Put yourself in the energy of a goddess or queen.

If you are giving a possible future partner only half of yourself because you are exhausted at the end of the day, the person will feel it and it is not fair to them or you. You will have more to give and enjoy your life more if you have boundaries around your time. 

No is a complete sentence. You don't have to add an excuse.

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Self Love and Self Care Website

On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss Matt’s latest lackluster performance. Creating connection requires warmth and he is cool as a cucumber. They also make their predictions of who will be the frontrunner in this dating contest. And, Marni extracts dating advice for your real-life scenarios.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Knowing when it is not a match
• After a tough breakup, when it is time to date again
• How to create connection and warmth
• How to know if a guy is insincere

Serena didn’t put herself, or Matt, at any risk of being emotional when she asked Matt about the Maple Leafs. The first time we saw this on the show was during the yoga date. Intimacy may not be her thing. But, kudos to her when she realizes Matt is not her person she excuses herself from the contest. 

Marni wants to applaud her for telling Matt it wasn't going to work and she is not ready. During the telephone call with her mother, her mom said, ‘that last relationship really did a number on you didn’t it?’ If Serena is still wounded from her last relationship it could be what is holding her back from forging a connection. 

Chris asks Marni how a woman knows that she is ready to date again after a gnarly breakup? 

If you think you are ready try dating again if old stuff bubbles up, take another pause from dating. We all have baggage, it is OK.

Amy Cuddy, a Social Psychologist who studies body language says that there are two things people evaluate unconsciously: warmth and confidence. We try to figure out if the other person is trustworthy. 

It made Marni think of Matt.  Because he is not warm on the show and he does not show up as empowered or confident. Those are the three principles to creating connection with people.

Is there is a gap between who you are and who you think you are supposed to be when dating? 

Lead with warmth, follow with confidence! 

Bri opens up to Matt and says 'I love you', his response is ‘thank you for sharing’. That is his go-to phrase and Marni wanted to slap him for it. He seems really insincere that he says that as a response every time a girl gets vulnerable.  

So, who do Marni and Chris think is the frontrunner after this past episode of the show? Both believe Matt will pick Rachel because during their date he said ‘I think I am falling in love with you.’ 

Data shows when two people experience the same thing for the first time together it creates intimacy. 

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Marni welcomes the inspirational author of several books, including his newest, How Our Greatest Fear Becomes Our Greatest Gift: The Beauty of What Remains, Rabbi Steve Leder. Rabbi Steve gets to the heart of what is truly valuable in life. He also dispels common myths we have about death and dying,

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Without death what incentive is there to live?
• Common questions from people about death
• How to break dysfunctional generational patterns
• COVID’s dirty little secret

Rabbi Steve shares examples of questions from his congregation with regards to life and death. His advice, he says, is always the same. In death as in life. There is a myth we carry that death changes everything, or that impending death can erase dysfunctional tendencies. He feels obligated to manage members' expectations and let them know that people tend to die exactly the way they live. 

He says dying doesn't give anyone a new personality. Death changes everything and death changes nothing. If you have a tortured relationship with someone in life you are likely to feel relieved, not guilt when they die. 

It is cognitive dissonance. It is irreconcilable. And making peace with the fact that something can not be reconciled, is in itself a reconciliation. It is a resolution. An additional step, is you can interrupt the intergenerational transmission of the dysfunction - it's soothing to the soul by asking yourself ‘what is the legacy you want to leave?’.

Rabbi Steve shares what he calls ‘the dirty little COVID secret’. It is that in some ways, COVID has made our lives better. 

He uses his life as an example. His life was unsustainable. He, like many other people, fell prey to the belief that a busy life was a meaningful life. The changes that were brought on to thwart the pandemic forced people to spend more time at home and build better relationships. 

The silver lining of the pandemic is that people don't have to wear uncomfortable clothes or spend time with people they don't care about at work.  

Rabbi Steve says, there is always a blessing in the darkness. If you have to go through hell, don't come out of it empty-handed. 

About the losses Rabbi Steve says, we all have lost our sense of invulnerability. We now realize how vulnerable we are. We have lost freedom, opportunities, and worst of all, we have lost the fundamental human need to hold and be held by the people we love. 

There is no reason to feel guilty that your life is more beautiful as a result of a painful experience. 

Death is the Great Teacher of Life [28:28]

In the end, no one wants your physical crap. People spend so much of their lives working hard to make money to buy things and collect things that at the end of our lives, nobody wants. Goodwill won't even take half of your old stuff. 

Believing that our outer material life is our inner life or is a spiritual life is like trying to eat a picture of food. It won't nourish you. It's a mistake we are encouraged to make all day every day. 

Marni asks Rabbi Steve how people can realign with what is important. He responds, one simple way is to walk through the cemetery and read the headstones. Even though we are all unique and different, the inscription headstones are mostly the same. You have to strip away all the nonsense when you are inscribing someone's headstone. Family is listed on the headstone, not your zip code, not your salary, and not your resume. What matters is the quality of relationships with a tiny handful of people who really matter. 

Ask yourself, are you leading a meaningful life?

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Steve Leder

On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss why Matt James is finally making some decisions and releasing girls from the show. Did the producers prompt him, or have the girls finally had it with his indecision? Marni extracts the best real-life dating nuggets from this manufactured environment and shares them with us.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Watch out for breadcrumbs
• Ask for what you are looking for
• Early signs of emotional unavailability
• Don’t take dating personally
• The right guy will appreciate your vulnerability

Did the producers give Matt a strong talking to or were the women so tired of his breadcrumbs they forced his hand? He went from constantly kicking the can down the road to making some clear choices and kicked some ladies out. Chris thinks the producers prodded him to make choices. 

Marni applauds Kit, Abby, and Bri for being vulnerable and practicing good dating skills. Both girls shared something major from their lives and instead of being interested and sharing something from his own life, Matt replies with “thanks for sharing”.  Bleh.

Matt further proves himself to just be a f*c#boy by moving his hand up the girls’ legs as he pseudo-listens to them being vulnerable. 

All Matt shows is a hollow shell of a personality.

Bri Quits Her Job & a Series of Bad Dates [14:40]

Did Bri quit her job to become an Instagram influencer or to be closer to Matt? Chris says when a girl says something like that it is best not to respond. Maybe, she was taking the temperature of his interest in her? But, ladies, have a conversation with a guy before you move your home or quit your job for him.

Perfect is not sexy. 

Marni points out the dates that appeared to be great for both Matt and his date but then he lets her go from the show. It’s easy for women to get confused with this type of behavior. And, then he gives a rose to an emotionally unavailable girl who didn’t enjoy a date at all. Ladies, if you experience this in real life, don’t take it personally. You don’t really want to date a Matt James type anyway.

Piper put herself out there and shared her true feelings with Matt. He said ‘thanks for sharing’ which gave her a bit of validation but then paid little to no attention to her after. Piper says she felt crushed by his actions and went into victim mode.  

Marni says if something like this happens to you, it is okay to be crushed for a moment but then step back and realize you are lovable and worthy. You and that guy just weren't a match. Keep putting your heart out there. Because the right guy will appreciate it. 

If you are dating someone whose actions don’t match their words, move on. 

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Marni welcomes Host of the Tasty Kitchen and Founder of The Well-Traveled Palate Program, Natasha Ho into the Den to discuss cooking up connections in the kitchen. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Nurturing ourselves and our partners through food
• Cooking together to collect data
• How to have a virtual cooking date
• Cooking can be a turn on
• Exploring the feminine with thoughtful meals

Natasha says she seduced her husband with food. They bonded over the lunches she brought him as part of their courtship process. Being able to cook and care for someone is associated with the feminine. It is a turn-on for a man to be with a woman who can care for them in that way. 

Many women don’t take care of themselves when it comes to cooking. For one, cooking is not just about caring for someone else it's also about how you nurture and love yourself.

3-steps to creating connection in the kitchen: 

1. Build confidence — If you have anxiety when it comes to cooking. Remember, it doesn't have to be complicated. 
2. Be open to being playful in the kitchen — Do you view cooking as a chore or an opportunity to be creative? 
3. Build your technical skills — Once you open yourself up to having adventures in the kitchen, you will enjoy learning new techniques.

Eating is an opportunity to bring joy and connection when you do it with someone else. It's a great opportunity for you both to get in the kitchen. Natasha says that cooking together can take the pressure off of just one person. Collaborating in the kitchen is a great opportunity to let your guard down and be playful. Get your hands dirty together. 

Not sure what to cook? Consider the amount of time a recipe takes. Look for recipes that can be completed in under an hour and have a limited amount of steps like stir fry,  paella, or one-pot dishes. 

During the pandemic, consider virtual cooking dates. Choose a place or culture and explore it through food. It's about being open and trying something new.

Taking Care of Yourself [25:29]

A big misconception is that cooking healthily means only having broccoli and chicken breast. There are plenty of colorful vegetables and luscious salad ingredients that taste great when spiced or cooked differently. Educate yourself on one new ingredient a month and try using it in a dish you have never made before. 

Marni reminds us that we may have limiting beliefs about our cooking abilities that could be holding us back from finding joy in the kitchen. Consider changing your story around food and health. 

It is OK if a meal doesn't come out great the first time. It is all about learning and cooking together. 

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The Well-Traveled Palate Program with Natasha Ho

@heynatashaboo on Instagram

Join Natasha's free Facebook group Travel & Feast for more cooking ideas & tips: www.facebook.com/groups/travelandfeast