Locked and Probably Loaded with DJ and Kelly

DJ has been designing bathrooms, Kelly is manifesting a Costco door, and somehow this leads directly into a discussion about a United Airlines passenger allegedly masturbating next to another passenger—and DJ immediately begins investigating the legal loopholes.

Next up is The Weight, featuring Ethan Hawke, Russell Crowe, an inexplicably well-equipped woman in the wilderness, and the realization that Regal Unlimited is exactly how you discover movies you otherwise never would have seen.

Also: internet problems briefly remove Kelly from her own podcast, leaving DJ alone long enough to perform Frozen from memory despite never having seen it.

00:00 DJ's Actor Warm-Ups

01:02 DJ Finally Watched Anchorman

02:04 Purple Drink vs. Yellow Drink

03:10 DJ Becomes a Home Renovator

06:03 Kelly's Dream House & the Costco Door

09:12 Is the House Next Door a Front?

10:09 DJ Completely Stops Listening

10:34 The Least Sexy Sex Show in Amsterdam

12:25 United's Airplane Masturbation Problem

12:58 DJ Finds a Business Opportunity

13:23 Sodom, Gomorrah & Airline Policy

14:16 Is It Illegal Under a Blanket?

14:44 "The Man Is Innocent"

16:10 DJ vs. American Airlines

17:53 AD BREAK

18:01 DJ & Kelly at the Movies

19:10 Resident Evil Review

20:31 "DoorDash From Hell"

21:24 What Worked — and DJ Hates Tentacles

23:24 Austin Abrams & Method Acting

24:59 DJ Declares War on Method Actors

27:37 Why Resident Evil Works

29:13 The 4D Movie Experience

30:53 Kelly's Internet Dies

31:11 DJ Performs Frozen

33:12 The Wait Review

34:34 Avengers: Endgame Encore

37:05 The Wait Ratings

38:11 The Mary Poppins of the Navajo

39:28 DJ Hates Nerdology

41:09 The Wait Superlatives

42:35 DJ Performs Frozen... Again

42:57 PATREON

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This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ is drinking purple drink, trying to fit back into his suits and discovering that his New Year's resolution to have more fun may have been a little too successful. Kelly proposes a solution: the same amount of fun, but more naps. Eventually, they settle on Fun Zero.

DJ also has an update on his SAG health insurance, including an unexpected route back to coverage through his newly approved influencer contract. He is now, very reluctantly, an influencer. Kelly would like to remind everyone that social media works.

Then it's time for the debut of DJ & Kelly at the Movies, our new review segment featuring star ratings, five-word movie descriptions, what we'd keep or change, and extremely specific superlatives.

This week's movies:

Hope: Spectacular action, a confusing alien subplot and a movie that Kelly describes as “Grand Theft Avatar.”

Practical Magic 2: Witches, nostalgia, generational trauma and a very attractive magician who desperately needs to stop doing tricks.

The Uprising: Medieval tax grievances, accents that require subtitles and camera work that makes Kelly feel like she's watching The Office at a Renaissance fair.

Along the way, we reconsider our entire rating system, DJ prepares to die on the Fahrenheit-versus-Celsius hill, and Kelly offers a remarkably specific prediction about the temperature of his casket.

Have a ridiculous movie-review wildcard question for us? Send it to [email protected].

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Find our next live happy hour: loadedpod.com

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This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ has returned from Orlando with absolutely nothing left to give. He's recording from bed, the television has only barely been muted, and his social battery is officially dead.

Things get more serious as we talk about public figures choosing whether to speak about Gaza, the distinction between governments and civilians, and why neither of us wants to become so overwhelmed by the state of the world that we stop caring about what happens to vulnerable people.

And then, because this is apparently the only podcast we know how to make, Kelly changes the subject to a professional fitness competitor who shit her pants during a Hyrox race and kept using the equipment. DJ would like to formally object to being told this story.

Finally, we get into Sydney Sweeney's latest campaign, the sexualization of female athletes, Shailene Woodley's baffling Emmys outfit and the fashion lesson everyone should take with them this week: if you need a cape to make your outfit make sense, change.

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This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, we're off to an appropriately chaotic start: Kelly is bleeding, DJ's face is bright red from tretinoin, and we're discussing the strategic value of loudly talking about anal sex while sneaking an entire meal into a movie theater.

DJ is also preparing to travel with an astronaut costume—and has already learned the hard way that once the helmet is assembled, getting it home is another problem entirely. Last time, a gate agent's solution was simple: wear the astronaut helmet onto the plane.

Then things get slightly more serious as we talk about the inability to admit when you're wrong, cancel culture, Pink's reaction to Macklemore, generational conflict and why humanity sometimes seems considerably closer to running toward the thunder than evolving past any of this.

DJ & Kelly at the Movies returns with Buddy—a bizarre comedy-horror movie that both of us loved—and Onslaught, which worked considerably better when the theater was literally spraying us in the face. We also discover DJ's perfect podcasting outfit: shirt, underwear, socks and shoes.

Finally, Kelly explains how a neighborhood walk nearly turned into a true-crime documentary when a coyote got within inches of her nephew. Good news: the child survived. Better news: DJ is now accepting babysitting jobs for only $3 million an hour.

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DJ has returned from New Jersey exhausted, Kelly deliberately cuts off the intro, and this week's episode of Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly is officially coming to you live from DJ's bed.

We start with boundaries—and DJ's increasingly toxic relationship with American Airlines after a seemingly endless series of delays. After dozens of flights and hours spent stranded in airports, DJ has one request: if the airline is going to make him live there, could they at least upgrade him from the lounge that looks like a bus stop?

Then we get into travel, cultural differences and the danger of assuming your own values automatically apply everywhere. DJ remembers trying to overpay a woman doing his laundry in the Philippines before being told to stop imposing his Western assumptions, while Kelly remembers being asked to stop tipping so much during a trip to India.

We also talk movies that may or may not make any sense, the apparently essential inclusion of dinosaur sex, modern parenting expectations, people who desperately need to mind their own business, and the strange internet trajectory of Lohanthony.

Then we finally dig into the listener inbox.

One listener has been with her boyfriend for four years and has always been clear that she wants marriage. Now he says marriage is “just a piece of paper”—but wants them to buy a house together. Is refusing to buy property without marriage an ultimatum? And more importantly… is an ultimatum necessarily a bad thing?

Kelly also explains why Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw relationship metaphor has stuck with her: sometimes the answer isn't forcing another person into the life you've imagined. It's recognizing that the pieces don't fit and choosing yourself.

Plus: movie theater snacks, gaydar, asymmetrical faces, shareholders, sex in Thailand and DJ's revolutionary new philosophy:

If it doesn't fit, get it away from me. I'm tired.

00:00 – Kelly Refuses to Finish the Intro
01:14 – DJ Is Setting Boundaries From Bed
02:10 – Live, Work, Sleep? Absolutely Not
03:23 – We're Beholden to Our Shareholders
03:38 – DJ's Toxic Relationship With American Airlines
06:44 – DJ Wants Concierge Key
07:40 – Airport Sleeping Pods & Travel Trauma
08:20 – California Summer Is a Scam
09:41 – Dolly Parton & Owning Who You Are
10:56 – A Very Honest Tourist in Thailand
13:17 – Sex Work, Judgment & Minding Your Business
15:17 – DJ's $1 Laundry Lesson in the Philippines
16:40 – Kelly's Tipping Story From India
17:43 – Why Does My Face Look Different on Camera?
18:49 – Listener Emails
19:10 – Another Straight Man Has Found the Podcast
19:48 – What Happened With Black Summer?
21:31 – The End of Oak Street Was… Weird
22:12 – Yes, There Is Dinosaur Sex
23:05 – What Movies Are We Seeing Next?
24:02 – When “Surrealistic” Means “This Makes No Sense”
26:27 – What Is Back-to-School Night?
27:03 – Parenting Expectations Are Out of Control
28:25 – Leave Britney Alone & Lohanthony
29:32 – Lohanthony, Christianity & Conversion Therapy
32:25 – Back to the Listener Mail
32:36 – “My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me”
33:34 – Are Ultimatums Actually Bad?
36:40 – Daniel Sloss's Relationship Theory
38:11 – If It Doesn't Fit, Get It Away From Me
38:38 – Patreon & Happy Hour

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DJ is finally FREE from corporate tax prep, Kelly has popped blood vessels in both eyes from too much research, and somehow that’s only the beginning.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, we get into Kaia Gerber’s story about being spiritually cleansed with a didgeridoo, Chris Hansen’s thoughts on Robert Pattinson playing him, the upcoming Anthony Bourdain movie Tony, and why having a Regal Unlimited pass has basically turned going to the movies into our part-time job.

We also talk ADHD, visual clutter and the impossible task of getting rid of stuff you’ve owned for years; celebrity impersonators who may look more like the celebrity than the actual celebrity; whether yachts are secretly terrifying; and the important financial strategy of sneaking a four-course meal—with dipping sauces—into a movie theater.

Then Kelly brings up a theory about the way men and women interpret the 1–10 pain scale at the doctor: are men comparing their pain to the worst thing they’ve personally experienced, while women compare theirs to the worst pain they can imagine? And could that be one more reason women unintentionally downplay their pain when seeking medical care?

Plus: New Jersey, hangovers, soft pretzels, mushrooms, tiny thumbs and entirely too much information.

Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly
New episodes weekly.

These should work nicely as searchable YouTube chapters:

00:00 – DJ Survived Tax Prep
04:00 – The McDonald’s Flash Mob
06:23 – New Jersey & DJ’s Legendary Night Out
09:06 – Hangovers, College Drinking & Boone’s Farm
10:49 – Kelly’s Internet Is Still Fighting Her
12:01 – Kaia Gerber’s Didgeridoo Exorcism
13:49 – Robert Pattinson Is Playing Chris Hansen?!
16:48 – The Anthony Bourdain Movie Tony
17:18 – We’ve Turned Going to the Movies Into a Job
20:42 – ADHD, Clutter & Getting Rid of Everything
23:29 – DJ’s Extremely Disturbing New Art
25:00 – The Tupac Murder Trial
26:33 – Celebrity Impersonators Are Getting Too Good
29:45 – Are Yachts Actually Fun?
31:07 – Why Terrible Things Keep Happening on Yachts
32:42 – Do Men & Women Rate Pain Differently?
38:39 – Maybe Going to Bed Sober Is Unhealthy
39:15 – Never Look at Your Hands on Mushrooms
41:09 – Patreon & Live Happy Hour

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DJ should be on a cruise. Instead, he’s doing taxes because his travel companion waited until the last possible second to remember one tiny problem: there’s a warrant out for his arrest.

Then DJ and Kelly recap a VERY busy week at the movies, including One Night Only, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, Super Troopers 3 and I Want Your Sex. Which movies worked, which didn’t, and why exactly is One Night Only essentially “The Purge, but for sex”?

Elsewhere: why Dungeons & Dragons creates instant secondhand embarrassment, whether Gen Z’s declining interest in drinking and dating might have something to do with how insanely expensive it is to leave the house, DJ’s unwavering devotion to Irish Spring 5-in-1, rising electricity bills, political hypocrisy, the WNBA protest stunt, and the Lindsay Clancy trial.

Plus, on Patreon: DJ experiments with Jell-O that expired in 2022, The Last House gets absolutely demolished, and we establish the official Locked & Probably Loaded rule: listen to an entire episode before deciding whether you hate us.

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[email protected]

00:00 Welcome to Locked & Probably Loaded
00:56 DJ’s Five Days of Tax Prep Hell
02:25 How DJ Earned Free Cruise Rooms
03:49 The Cruise Disaster: “Your Warrant Is Not My Responsibility”
05:23 Taco Bell, Below Deck & Recovering From the Cancellation
06:44 Would DJ & Kelly Survive Dungeons & Dragons?
08:06 The Freedom — and Horror — of Being Cringe
09:45 One Night Only: The Purge, But for Sex
13:29 Spider-Man: Brand New Day
14:13 Super Troopers 3
15:41 I Want Your Sex
16:49 Why Isn’t Gen Z Having Sex?
18:52 The WNBA Protest Stunt
20:36 Why Is Electricity So Expensive?
22:35 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a House
23:45 DJ’s Unwavering Loyalty to Irish Spring
27:29 Political Hypocrisy & Ken Paxton
32:46 Max Miller & Political Scandals
35:31 Matt Gaetz Invades DJ’s Facebook Algorithm
37:24 The Lindsay Clancy Trial
45:10 Boston, Justice & an Interesting Way to End a Podcast
46:03 Patreon, Live Happy Hours & What’s Next

PATREON BONUS

46:59 Does Jell-O Expire? DJ Finds Out
48:47 The Cruise That Never Happened
49:40 Why This Podcast Is Almost Impossible to Clip
52:31 Rage Bait & the Internet Attention Span
53:25 The Last House: What the Hell Was That?
57:13 Back to Tax Hell
58:54 The $1 Taco Bell Quesarito That Costs $1.60

Locked and Probably Loaded, DJ Qualls, Kelly Blackheart, One Night Only movie, One Night Only review, Spider-Man Brand New Day, Spider-Man Brand New Day review, Tom Holland Spider-Man, Super Troopers 3, Super Troopers 3 review, I Want Your Sex movie, I Want Your Sex review, Olivia Wilde, Gregg Araki, Cooper Hoffman, The Last House Netflix, The Last House review, new movies 2026, movie reviews 2026, comedy podcast, pop culture podcast, Lindsay Clancy trial, Lindsay Clancy, WNBA controversy, Royce White WNBA, Enes Kanter WNBA, DJ and Kelly

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In this episode of Locked & Probably Loaded, DJ Qualls and Kelly Blackheart dive into late-night overthinking, documentary rabbit holes, anxiety spirals, sleep deprivation, and why "research is not a nighttime activity." They also share stories about organizing their homes, finding unexpected gratitude, cruise planning disasters, and the strange tricks that actually helped improve their moods. If you've ever stayed awake Googling yourself into a panic, this episode is for you.

00:00 Welcome & DJ's Sleepless Night

01:00 Why Late-Night Research Is a Bad Idea

03:00 The Documentaries We Can (and Can't) Watch

08:00 Acting Crazy Might Actually Keep You Safe

11:00 Can Smiling Actually Change Your Mood?

14:00 Organization, Gratitude & Sleepless Nights

20:00 The Rabbit Hole of Jewelry and Collecting

25:00 Why We Can Never Finish Organizing

31:00 The Worst Chore in the World

33:00 Why This Podcast Makes Us Happier

35:00 DJ's Cruise Dilemma

sleep anxiety

overthinking

can't sleep

late night thoughts

mental health

documentaries

true crime documentaries

heist documentaries

gratitude

organization

decluttering

podcast

DJ Qualls

Kelly Blackheart

Locked and Probably Loaded

comedy podcast

friendship podcast

sleep tips

anxiety podcast

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DJ Qualls and Kelly Blackheart recap one of their most chaotic weeks yet, beginning with a hilariously brutal review of Her Private Hell, a film so bizarre that they couldn't stop talking about it long after leaving the theater. They also share their spoiler-free thoughts on The Odyssey, discuss Hollywood filmmaking, storytelling, and what separates artistic ambition from self-indulgence.

The conversation continues with stories from their Puerto Vallarta vacation, including travel mishaps, a nationwide T-Mobile outage that convinced them the apocalypse had begun, getting trapped in an elevator in Mexico, first-class flight upgrades, food poisoning before a flight home, awkward fan encounters, vacation disasters, and Kelly's newest hobby: learning to sew.

If you enjoy movie reviews, behind-the-scenes Hollywood conversations, travel stories, comedy, and unfiltered conversations about filmmaking and life, this episode is packed with laughs, unexpected detours, and plenty of chaos.

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