Making It Through the Mess: The Two Directions of Healing

What is the biggest mess you have ever faced—and how do you begin to heal from it?

In this special episode, recorded at Village Church in Swoope, Virginia, Brian and Heather share personal stories of abuse, divorce, cancer, grief, abandonment, depression, reconciliation, and God's faithfulness through life's most difficult seasons.

Their experiences reveal a simple but powerful truth: healing happens in two directions.

We heal vertically as we move toward God—surrendering our pain, connecting with Him, and learning to see our circumstances through His lens. We heal horizontally as we move toward trustworthy people—allowing community, empathy, encouragement, and accountability to help carry us through.

Your mess may be part of your story, but it does not have to define your future. God can use even the hardest seasons to develop perseverance, restore hope, deepen relationships, and lead you toward purpose.

In This Episode

Brian and Heather discuss:

• Why the way we see our mess often determines the way we walk through it
• How worship, prayer, journaling, and Scripture help us connect with God
• What it means to exchange our perspective for God's lens
• Why isolation can prolong our pain
• Why asking for help is not a sign of weakness
• How to find trustworthy people who offer both empathy and encouragement
• The importance of reconciliation and second chances
• Why healing begins when hiding from God and others ends
• How the vertical and horizontal beams of the cross remind us to love God and love people

Key Takeaways

• Change your lens. Look for what God may be doing in you, even when He does not immediately change the situation around you.
• Take an active step toward God through worship, honest prayer, journaling, and Scripture.
• Do not carry your burden alone. Identify one safe, trustworthy person and invite that person into your story.
• Look for people who offer both empathy and motivation—someone willing to sit with you in the pain and help you take the next step.
• Hold on to hope. Hope does not mean the problem has already been solved; it gives you strength to continue toward healing, growth, and purpose.

Scriptures Mentioned

• James 1:2–4 — Trials, perseverance, maturity, and joy
• Isaiah 43:18–19 — God doing a new thing and making a way in the wilderness
• Proverbs 15:22 — The importance of counsel and wise advisers
• Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 — Two are better than one
• Exodus 18 — Jethro advising Moses to share the burden
• Matthew 22:37–39 — Loving God and loving our neighbor

Questions for Reflection

• What hurt, struggle, or difficult season are you carrying right now?
• Are you seeing your circumstances through your own lens or asking God to help you see them through His?
• What is one practical way you can move toward God this week?
• Who is one trustworthy person you could invite into your story?
• Where might God be developing perseverance, hope, or purpose through what you have experienced?

Links and Resources

• Visit Village Church
• Invite Love How Deep to Speak at Your Location
• Marriage Strategy Session for Couples

Join the Conversation

What helped you make it through one of life's messiest seasons? Share your story or one takeaway from this episode in the comments. Your experience may be exactly the encouragement someone else needs.

Content note: This episode includes personal discussions of domestic abuse, divorce, cancer, grief, abandonment, depression, and alcohol use as a coping strategy.

Becoming More Mentally Present Through Mindfulness and Neurofeedback

The speaker discusses how difficult it is to stay fully mentally present and describes becoming more grounded on a four-mile run by turning off podcasts and music and intentionally engaging the senses—observing trees and a butterfly, feeling wind, noticing smells, touch, and taste. They then share a personal experiment with neurofeedback through Mind Lift (M-Y-N-D-L-I-F-T), clarifying they are not compensated, and explain the headband-and-electrode training that uses audio/visual feedback (a crackling fire) to encourage desired brainwave patterns. They report struggling with anxiety and an overactive alpha wave, compare rumination to "50 people in the shower," and note possible early benefits after a couple weeks, including less chest tightness and feeling more present and less drained at a social event. As a therapist, they emphasize the value of presence and plan to continue neurofeedback for 3–6 months with coaching and updates at lovehowdeep.com.

00:00 Why We Zone Out 00:46 Grounding Through Senses 02:41 Neurofeedback Discovery 03:08 How Mind Lift Works 03:57 Anxiety and Alpha Waves 05:05 Early Results and Social Ease 06:49 Try It and Stay Present 07:35 Therapist Perspective on Focus 08:29 Choosing a Simple Setup 09:05 Updates

Isaiah 43:18–19: Letting Go of the Past and Trusting God's New Thing Heather from "Love, how Deep" shares her favorite Bible passage, Isaiah 43:18–19, and breaks it down phrase by phrase. She explains that "forget the former things" doesn't mean erasing memories, but choosing to give past hurts, mistakes, and even good things to God so He can heal and move you into a new chapter. She emphasizes trusting that God is "doing a new thing" in His timing, which may feel slow, and compares spiritual growth to pruning plants so new life can flourish. Using the Israelites' wilderness journey, she reminds listeners that God is present even when they feel lost, and that He provides "streams in the wasteland" through the Holy Spirit's refreshment and renewal. Her takeaway: give your past to God, look to Him for your future, and follow His path. 00:00 Favorite Verse Intro 00:16 Isaiah 43 Read Aloud 00:35 Forget the Past 01:10 Surrender and Healing 01:24 Letting Go of Good 01:55 Gods New Thing 02:27 Pruning and Patience 03:28 Wilderness Trust 04:49 Streams in Wasteland 05:25 Final Challenge

Why Jesus Was Alone: Prayer, Rest, and Preparation

Heather from Love How Deep reflects on how being alone can feel recharging or lonely, then explores times Jesus was alone in the Bible and what it meant. She cites Matthew 4:1–2, where Jesus is led into the desert to fast for 40 days, face temptation, and prepare for ministry, modeling resistance through God's Word. In Luke 6:12–13, Jesus spends the night alone praying before choosing the twelve apostles. In Mark 1:35, after healing many and driving out spirits, Jesus rises early to pray in solitude before continuing to preach and cast out demons. In Mark 14:32–36 at Gethsemane, Jesus prays in deep distress, asking for the cup to pass yet submitting to God's will. Heather challenges viewers to make prayer their first response when feeling alone, seeking rest, renewal, and strength.

00:00 Alone or Lonely 00:25 Why Jesus Was Alone 01:07 Desert Temptation Prep 02:18 All Night Prayer Wisdom 03:17 Solitary Morning Reset 04:51 Gethsemane Surrender Prayer 06:14 Applying It To Us

Living by the Spirit: The Fruit of the Spirit as a Marriage Roadmap

Heather from Love. How Deep. asks what it means to "live by the Spirit," referencing Galatians 5:16 and the fruit of the Spirit in 5:22, describing it as one fruit with nine "segments" that reveal spiritual health and godly character. She applies each segment—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—especially to marriage, emphasizing consistent, Christ-like love; joy and peace during hardship through prayer and putting God first; patience without nagging; everyday acts of kindness and sacrificial goodness; faithfulness supported by practical guardrails; gentle, humble communication that builds a spouse up; and self-control over emotions, desires, actions, and thoughts. She concludes that proper priorities—God first, then spouse, then children—bring alignment and growth, and challenges listeners to pursue these traits through prayer and Scripture.

00:00 Live by the Spirit

00:08 Fruit of the Spirit

01:56 Love in Action

02:47 Joy Beyond Happiness

04:34 Peace at Home

06:04 Patience with Spouse

07:47 Kindness and Goodness

09:16 Faithfulness Guardrails

11:08 Gentleness in Conflict

12:30 Self-Control and Growth

13:29 Priorities and Challenge

In the conclusion of her two-part testimony, Heather goes deeper into the "aftermath" of a destructive marriage. This isn't just a story of surviving abuse; it's a masterclass in how God "recycles" our deepest pains into our greatest purposes. Heather discusses the struggle of letting down "The Mask," the fear of trusting again, and the divine orchestration that led to her marriage with Brian. If you feel like your past has permanently stained your future, this episode is your reminder that nothing is wasted.

Key Takeaways:

• The Lingering Shadow: Why physical safety is only the first step, and the "internal" work of healing takes much longer.

• The Decision Fatigue: How the trauma of the past makes deciding on the future (and a new relationship) feel paralyzing.

• Breaking the "Play Church" Cycle: Moving from performing for God to resting at His feet.

• Recycled Grace: A reflection on Jesus Calling and the truth that your mistakes and sins can be transformed into something good.

Resources Mentioned:

• Moving Forward - Part 1

• Devotional: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Connect with Love How Deep:

• Website: www.lovehowdeep.com

• Facebook: www.facebook.com/@lovehowdeep

Part 3: The Hard Road to Freedom: Legacy from the Ashes

Recovery isn't a straight line; it's an onion. In the final installment of this series, Heather walks us through the "after"—the actual divorce, the realization of abuse, and the slow, intentional construction of a new life. This is where "Love How Deep" was born.

Summary: In our final episode, we explore the messy reality of starting over. Heather discusses the profound difficulty of forgiveness—not as a one-time event, but as a layer-by-layer peeling of an onion. She shares the transition from being a victim of a destructive narrative to becoming a writer, a speaker, and a "Relational Architect."

Heather reflects on her life now with Brian, showing how the "bad stuff" didn't just end, but how it was repurposed into a mission to help other couples avoid the same baggage. This episode is an invitation to anyone who feels like their story is over. Heather proves that your greatest trial is often the "Research and Development" for your greatest calling. We conclude with a powerful message on the necessity of "Godly friends" and the strength found in being "still" during the flood.

Key Takeaways:

• The Forgiveness Onion: Real talk on how long it actually takes to heal.

• Repurposing Pain: How Heather's Heart and Brian's Brain became the foundation for Love How Deep.

• Finding Your Tribe: The role of judgment-free, Godly community in the recovery process.

Featured Resources:

• Love How Deep Website: www.lovehowdeep.com

Episode 2: The Turning Point: Finding a Face in the Fire

Most people wait for their circumstances to change before they seek peace. Heather did the opposite. In this episode, she recounts the moment she stopped praying for her marriage to be fixed and started praying for her soul to be found.

Summary: Episode 2 takes us into the eye of the storm. While her marriage was at its most "horrific" and the lies were at their peak, Heather attended a worship conference that changed everything. It wasn't a magic fix; it was a spiritual breaking point. Heather details her journey through "Cleansing Streams" and the grueling, beautiful process of "heatherizing" the Bible—taking a single verse and picking it apart until it speaks to the marrow of your bones.

The highlight of this episode is the "Week of Prayer," where Heather describes a visceral encounter with the heart of God. In a moment of total surrender, she heard a directive that every leader in crisis needs to hear: "Look to Me, no matter what." This episode is a roadmap for anyone currently in a "waiting room" of life, showing you how to find a "Face to Face" connection with God when you can't see the path forward.

Key Takeaways:

• Obedience Over Feelings: How to move forward when your emotions are screaming.

• Journaling as Therapy: Using the Psalms to find your own voice again.

• The "Face to Face" Directive: Why looking at the Problem prevents you from seeing the Provider.

Featured Resources:

• Love How Deep Website: www.lovehowdeep.com

Part 1: The Hidden Crisis: When "I Do" Becomes a Lie

What do you do when the person who promised to love you forever suddenly becomes a stranger? Heather opens the vault on her early years, revealing the painful transition from a hopeful 21-year-old bride to a woman living a double life. This isn't just a story about a breakup; it's a masterclass in recognizing the "silent" red flags of a destructive marriage.

Summary: In this premiere episode, Heather shares the raw beginning of a journey she never asked for. Growing up as the "good girl" and the "black sheep" of a family that didn't do divorce, Heather found herself in a marriage defined by confusion and sudden abandonment. From the shock of a husband moving out without warning in Texas to the "mask-wearing" years in Florida, Heather explores the psychological toll of spiritual and emotional isolation.

We dive deep into the "Performance Trap"—the exhausting effort of leading worship and singing about God's mercy on Sunday while feeling utterly abandoned by Him on Monday. If you have ever felt like you had to choose between your reputation and your reality, this episode is your permission to take off the mask.

Key Takeaways:

• The Anatomy of Abandonment: Understanding the shock of "sudden" departure.

• The Church Mask: Why we feel the need to look "perfect" when our world is falling apart.

• The Black Sheep Syndrome: Navigating the shame of being the first in your circles to face marital failure.

Featured Resources:

• Connect with Love How Deep: www.lovehowdeep.com

Episode Title: What Every Husband Gets Wrong About Marriage

Podcast: Love How Deep

Hosts: Brian & Heather

Episode Summary: Fellas, are you feeling the pressure of being the spiritual head of your house? In this episode, Brian puts the men on the hot seat—but with a lot of grace. He breaks down the common pitfalls of husbandhood, from the tendency to retreat into an "isolated cave" to the misunderstanding of what it means to lead. Using personal stories about career transitions and "parental" triggers, Brian and Heather explore how a husband's leadership hinges on humility, provision, and active participation in the family.

Key Highlights & Discussion Points 1. The "Father Factor" (Spiritual Leadership)

• The Powerful Statistic: Brian and Heather discuss research indicating that if a father attends church regularly, 2/3 to 3/4 of children will remain regular churchgoers, regardless of the mother's attendance.

• Leading by Example: A father isn't just a "sender" of his family to church; he is the navigator. When the husband doesn't show up, the kids often see faith as optional.

2. Agape Love: Love as a Verb

• Unconditional Love: Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love as Christ loved the church. This isn't a feeling; it's a choice.

• The "What Can I Chop?" Moment: Heather shares how Brian shows love by simply walking into the kitchen and asking how he can help with dinner, breaking the "women's work vs. men's work" stereotype.

3. Communicating with Wisdom

• The Choice in Conflict: Brian discusses the split-second decision when a "button" is pushed: Do you blow up in anger, or do you choose a gentle answer (Proverbs 15:1)?

• Historical vs. Hysterical: Referencing researcher John Gottman, Brian explains that if a reaction is "hysterical," there is likely a "historical" root. Open communication about past triggers can prevent future blow-ups.

4. Providing vs. Calamity (Burdens vs. Loads)

• The Career Pivot: Brian shares a vulnerable story about leaving his corporate job to become a counselor, which eliminated 2/3 of the family income for three years.

• Distinguishing the Two: * Burdens: Unexpected trials (sickness, layoffs, AI displacement) where you need help.

  • Loads: A pattern of idleness or refusing to take responsibility.

• Encouragement for the Struggling: Heather reminds husbands that if you are working hard toward a goal or a calling, you are still a provider, even if the bank account doesn't reflect it yet.

5. The "Mother" Trigger

• The Fork in the Road: Brian admits that when Heather gives him advice, he sometimes views her as a "mothering" figure rather than a partner.

• Changing the Lens: He encourages men to see their wife's input as an act of love and care rather than a loss of autonomy.

Quotes to Remember

"If you're hysterical, it's probably historical. There's something built up there that needs to be talked about." — Brian

"Venting landing on your spouse is like a big pile of... well, you know... landing on the person you love." — Brian

"Don't be the husband who just sends his family to church. Be the one who leads them there." — Heather

Scripture References

• Ephesians 5:25: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

• Ephesians 5:21-24: Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

• Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath.

• 1 Timothy 5:8: Providing for your own household.

• Colossians 3:13-14: Bear with each other and forgive.

Reflect & Apply

1. The Cave Check: Are you retreating into hobbies (video games, the garage, work) to avoid the responsibility of being present with your family?

2. The Spiritual Lead: If you've been letting your wife handle the spiritual growth of the kids, what is one small step you can take this Sunday to lead?

3. The Kitchen Test: Next time you see your spouse working on a task, don't ask "Do you need help?" (which implies it's her job). Instead, pick up a tool and say, "I'm here, what can I do?"

Connect with Us

• Website: LoveHowDeep.com

• Newsletter: Sign up for Heather's monthly update for marriage tips and free resources!