My daughter Maisie is 20 months old and she's a fierce one. The fun part about this age is the way they're starting to discover and relate with emotions. My wife and I have observed that our kids have emotions that are more accessible to them than others. For example, Maxwell (my 4-year old) can access joy, fear and sometimes a little bit of anger. Anger is not as consistent, but he can quickly be with his emotions of joy and fear. We notice that when sadness comes up, he'll want to resist it or ask to be by himself for a minute. It's definitely a different vibe.
Maisie on the other hand, has zero problem accessing anger. Joy is definitely a top emotion too. And then anger is a quick and close second. This is why my most favorite words to describe her are fierce and wild. When she feels anger, it is a wild fire raging from her belly all the way out to her fingers and toes. For those Dragon Ball Z fans, I sometimes joke that she's transforming into a Super Saiyan when she's in her anger.
Being a parent during this time of my kids' lives is a wonderful learning experience, about myself and about humans in general. I get to discover how I want to guide my kids to relate to their emotions. That responsibility requires an inner exploration on how I relate with my own emotions.
Here's an example of how it plays out:
Maisie can be demanding sometimes and she'll demand that she wants a cookie at an inopportune hour, usually right before dinner. Sometimes we say yes and sometimes we say no. My baby girl being wired the way she is will begin to cry if we say no. And her cry is a cry of anger. She is pissed. We know because she'll yell, "Angry!" while crying.
When she's like this, everything in me wants to fix it right away. I want the anger to go away. This emotion is creating a strong discomfort and I want to soothe it in order to get rid of it. This is the default reaction. Generally, I prefer not to give into this reaction. Ideally, I would pause. Through my inner work and the coaching I've received, I've learned to make room for anger. So, in my most present moments, I won't give in, I will pause even more and consider my options. I can give in to my desire to soothe everything and make it better as soon as possible. I can give Maisie the cookie (and I'm not perfect, there are times that I certainly have!) Even worse, if I'm not in presence, I can react to Maisie's anger with my anger. I can question Maisie in a way that would make her feel shame about her anger. "Why are you crying? Stop crying. We're not having cookies. No."
Another path is allowing the anger to take up space. Giving it language. Giving it breath. I can create a container with Maisie in this moment where anger can exist and we don't have to collapse into it.
In my better days, I'll ask Maisie...
"Honey, you seem angry. Are you angry?"
Maisie will respond, "Crying. Angry. Cookie."
My heart breaks...
And I slowly muster up the strength to say, "I'm sorry honey, we can't have cookies and I hate that you're angry. But it's okay to be angry. You can be angry for a little while if you want. I get angry sometimes too when I don't get what I want."
And then we breathe together. We allow the anger to be. And then the anger might become sadness as she begins to realize that there will be no cookie. She won't get what she wants.
You know what's crazy? She gets over her anger every single time. It might escalate but the anger eventually subsides on its own. In a few minutes, she'll be off playing again. The moment we lean into the discomfort we feel because of the anger is the moment it starts to relax.
In our lives, as we relate with our partners, our colleagues, our family, moments like these present themselves to us. They are opportunities to expand. To grow. To learn.
You might be considering a career change right now. And this career change feels scary. There's fear because you actually want this thing. This is your dream. And the fear is creating discomfort. I've been there. In my worst moments, I resisted the discomfort by staying with the status quo. I stuck with the job I had longer than I wanted. I created reasons in my mind that justified my decision to stay longer. It was my way of soothing the discomfort of fear. It was easier to keep taking a cookie from the cookie jar. It was more comfortable. It was known territory.
You might be considering investing more meaningfully in your business. Perhaps it's deciding to bring on more people or increase your marketing spend. There might be fear there, so you hesitate. The fear might be things won't work out and you'll feel like a failure. And you're afraid of feeling like a failure. You're afraid of being "back there" again. Of feeling lost. Of feeling down. Of feeling depressed. Of being broke. Maybe, you're afraid of success. Of what others might think. Of being depleted of energy because of what this success will require of you. Whatever it is, the fear creates discomfort. And instead of exploring the depth of this discomfort; you, like most of us, will likely just stay within what's comfortable. You'll also just decide to take a bite of that cookie to soothe the discomfort.
But what if we don't stick with what’s comfortable this time?
What if we leaned into discomfort?
What if we created room for it?
What if we created a powerful container to hold the emotions that come up to the surface so we don't collapse?
What if, once we do this, we actually begin to fly?
I'm not going to be a perfect parent. My own parents weren't perfect either. All of us, on some level, were trained and conditioned by our early holding environments to immediately soothe the discomfort. But there's a point in which the conditioning doesn't serve us anymore. It needs to expire.
And once we allow it to transform, there is so much more expansion on the other side.
More gratitude.
More depth.
More aliveness, playfulness, love.
This is available for all of us. We just need to be ever more present and lean into those moments when they are here.
One last thing...
I noticed that Maisie's wired to keep trying to go for what she wants. She shows up to dinner the next day requesting for the cookie again, or some other sort of treat. She knows she doesn't get the treat every time, but she keeps trying. She shows up everyday, steps into what she wants and makes the request. Recently, she is starting to get creative with asking. And sometimes, she gets so cute that we give in and she gets the treat and more.
My point?
We are wired to go for what we want. To step into our deepest desires and go for it.
We may not always get it. The world may not always give us what we want.
But if we're willing to practice honoring and stepping into our desires; if we're willing to be with ourselves, in ourselves when we're disappointed because we don't get what we want, we will find that our setbacks only motivate us to keep going. To keep trying. To keep being creative. At some point, we will get that YES. And my friends, you know as well as I know, how SWEET that YES cookie truly is.
Fiercely loving you,
Jomar
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