Make the Shift

What happens when you try to set a boundary with someone but old stories and programming are driving you to feel guilty and say yes.

Guilt can be a helpful feeling when we have actually done something wrong.  It allows us the opportunity to re-route our behavior, clean up our mess, make amends and move on.  When looked at this way-guilt can be a beautiful feeling.

However, guilt can often be used in an unhealthy manner.  Many times we want to be seen as a good person, so we use guilt to beat ourselves up-to make ourselves suffer for a choice we made so that we still can be seen as a good mom, good friend, good daughter, good wife.

Today’s caller Katie has butted heads with her daughter since she was born.  When Katie and her ex divorced, she  admits she would give in to her daughter’s every whim in fear of losing her to her ex-husband.

Katie is finding herself in a new season of life, excited about her future as she is soon to be an empty nester.  However, she is concerned that she will slip into old patterns with her daughter of over giving when it's not even necessarily asked.  Katie feels driven by guilt and old the programming that sounds like I will be a “bad mom” if I don’t chip in and help.

Katie and I spend a lot of time unpacking how she feels in her body when she is triggered at the idea of setting a boundary with her daughter.  Setting boundaries is a lot more than saying NO.  For many of us who grew up with wounding around being seen and valued, we learned to give our power away to being in other people’s good graces.  The  thought that someone was upset with us, literally felt like death.

So while I could give Katie every boundary script to advocate for her needs, the real work here is to get the body on board.  The real work in boundary setting is learning how to focus on boundaries from two perspectives: somatic (or physical, bodily) experiences and verbal (or spoken) boundaries.

When we are dysregulated in our bodies, our boundaries will always be set from that place of scarcity, lack and limitation which is never good for us or for nurturing our relationships.

Consider:

Katie’s Question:My daughter is going through a divorce, and needs more financial and time support. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to set clear boundaries with her about how much I can give.

Listen to learn:

“Boundaries require a level of somatic work.  Because when we know how to regulate ourselves, only then can we actually set a boundary  from our place of truth.” ~Krista Resnick

“Conflict is an opportunity to call us forward and claim what matters to us.” ~Krista Resnick

LINKS:

HEALTHY HOLIDAY BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP

How do you feel about the holidays that seem to be approaching so quickly? I spent years like a mixed bag of emotions-excited for the nostalgia and memories to be made-yet immediate exhaustion and angst would quickly approach when I would think about everything that 'needed' to be done.   I said yes to every opportunity-striving and grasping for what I thought would make the holidays perfect.  Yet I left myself and my own personal well being out of the equation.  I was tired from showing up at gathering and parties that I only said yes to out of obligation, I was tired of feeling the pressure to make purchases for people that I barely knew, and I was exhausted from believing that in order to have a successful and magical holiday season everything has to be to the extreme.   

Personal needs was a concept that I was unfamiliar with, yet it is one of the most basic and foundational aspects of our human experience.  And that's what today's episode is all about-needs.   I had needs of connection, to matter, to be seen and belonging-but how I was trying to fill those needs wasn't working.   Now I approach the holidays with a different perspective.  I choose to fill my own cup, ask for the support I need and prioritize what is essential and what might need to take a back seat.   Understanding your needs (especially around the holiday season when stress and overwhelm is high) is an essential understanding to your personal joy.   

Listen to Learn: 

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart" ~Dr Marshall Rosenberg, Founder of Nonviolent Communication 

"Our feelings and needs guide our behavior." ~Krista Resnick 

"Human needs are universal." ~Krista Resnick 

"Nonviolent communication allow us to connect with our own feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of others. " ~Krista Resnick 

"The invitation within non-violent communication is first connect with yourself so you understand your own feelings and needs before making requests of another." ~Krista Resnick 

"When we blame, criticize, judge, or demean others, we're actually speaking violently.  We are shutting down the rich connection and nourishment that we crave." ~Krista Resnick 

"When you aren't feeling the way you want to feel, ask yourself-what might be your unmet need?" ~Krista Resnick

 LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE 

Healthy Holidays Workshop 

Episode #106: Dangerous Assumptions with Non-Violent Communication Trainer Kathy Ziola 

Episode # 99: Non-Violent Communication with Marianne van Dijk

Today I wanted to share with you all an email I received from a follower.   Beth wrote to me because she was so tired, overwhelmed and stressed from trying to hold so much on her plate.  She was struggling because she believed that there was literally no space for her.  However, while this may have felt true, it's often these paradigms that sound like...." I HAVE to give, serve, fix and manage," which are really keeping us stuck in overwhelm and anxiety.  

Beth isn't alone in her question.  So many of us get our roles confused with our true identity.  We believe that we don't have value if we aren't fixing and managing.  We believe we don't matter if we aren't playing the role of good girl, peacekeeper and caretaker.

Let me remind you that YOU are not your ROLE.  Your worth comes from you simply just being YOU.  I want to encourage you to let HER lead.  Who is HER?  Your core essence, your Soul, your highest Self, your favorite Self-whatever you want to call her.  It's that woman that we desire to BE.  However, if we keep believing that we are our role (s), we will never really be able to allow our highest Self to lead.  We will always be victim to the temptations of world and and who it says we need to be.  

Boundary work is self worth worth-it's discovering who you really are in a world that often tells you who it thinks you SHOULD be.   Having CLEAR boundaries and standard protects who we say we are and who we are evolving into.  

Boundary work is some of the most rich and nuanced work we can enter into.  

Listen to this episode to discover:

Before listening consider:

"Learning who we are BEYOND the roles we play is a beautiful and rich part of boundary work." ~Krista Resnick

"God wants us to serve, give and connect with others.  We simply want to be able to draw the line for our own well-being.  We don't want to get swallowed up by the roles we play." ~Krista Resnick

"We are so much more than any role we play." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE:

Holiday Triggers & Trip Ups

Apply for Stay True to You

You all know I am a huge fan of nourishing yourself, practicing meditation and getting in tune with the body-today’s show is all about these things.

You’re going to love this episode with Ashley  Holmes who is the CEO & Founder of Holistic Fertility Coach Inc. and international bestselling author. We talk about how to slow down, nourish yourself from the inside out and speak your truth.

Ashley’s work focuses on women struggling with infertility by supporting them to conceive with ease using holistic practices. Her customized 1:1 program works with women’s cycles to give them the energy medicine they need to come back into balance and alignment. Living a life that nourishes your mind, body and spirit is at the heart and soul of the transformation you receive.

Ashley is an expert on the platform ViBLY where you can participate in yoga classes, meditations and her coaching program.

In this amazing episode-Ashley shares her personal and painful story of infertility and how her own personal  journey set her on a path of deep self discovery.  She unpacks for us what exactly chakras are and how to heal these beautiful energy centers. Our chakras impact everything in our life from how we feel on a daily basis to major medical issues.

Listen to Learn:

Before listening to this episode, consider….

“Meditation GIVES me time.  It doesn’t take time.” ~Ashley Holmes

“When I feel better, my energy is better. And when I am in alignment and balance, then everything flows better. Instead of pushing, forcing, and creating restrictions and barriers it's a way to move and work with yourself instead of against yourself.” ~Ashley Holmes

“Taking a conscious breath and bringing yourself into the present moment is not only helpful. But impactful. It's the one biological function that we often are not paying attention to that can impact us in a really profound way.” ~Ashley Holmes

“We need to not be afraid to own our truth and speak our truth.  It matters that we do not hold our words and our power back. Because when we do….we are not honoring ourselves.” ~Ashley Holmes

“Speaking your truth often will not be comfortable.” ~Krista Resnick

“Vulnerability is strength”~ Krista Resnick

“To be seen and heard is what we are all truly seeking.” ~Ashley Holmes

Krista Resnick

Holiday Triggers & Trip ups

Website

Ashley Holmes

Website

This episode is about setting boundaries with friends when you are making a choice that they may not agree with.  Today’s caller Jenel grew up in a chaotic environment with a fair share of trauma.  She has such a high tolerance for toxicity and recently found herself in a relationship that carries out the same pattern from her childhood.

It can be difficult to see the level of toxicity in a relationship when we have a high tolerance for abusive and unhealthy behavior.  Jenel learned that her job as a small child was to take responsibility by playing the role of counselor to her parents and trying to keep a level of peace within the home.  It makes sense that she would find herself straight in the eye of a similar relationship now as an adult.  We often seek out relationships in our adult life that feel similar to the unfinished business we had with a parent or parents.  Another way to say that is we seek out what often feels familiar.

Jenel came into this session, not so much concerned with the issues in her relationship, but more concerned with how her friends and family will respond to her trying to make this relationship work.  Sometimes we confuse love with what feels familiar and call it safety.   We can also become easily confused and get caught up in the fantasy of what we want a relationship to look like.  

However, her partner feels truly broken and craves change for HIMSELF-which is a great sign.  However, when there has been a history of trauma, it’s important to move slowly and tread lightly.

Before listening to this episode consider:

Jenel’s Question:

How do I set boundaries with friends and family members around this topic of getting back into a relationship that previously has been unhealthy?

Boundaries will feel like death when your approval and safety has been built upon what other people think of you.  This is why nervous system regulation is essential when it comes to boundary setting.  Most of us know when we need to set a boundary.  However we don’t really know how to DO boundaries.  Nervous system regulation shows your system that you are safe in the present moment-allowing yourself to relax  and connect with your internal truth.

Safety is your system’s top priority, therefore, anything that might threaten your safety (in this case, setting a boundary) is met with fear and activates your nervous system, triggering your self-protective mechanisms (fight/flight/freeze/fawn).

Healing occurs when, in a state of regulation, we connect to our truth and learn to tolerate the discomfort of communicating our truth. The ability to complete on setting a boundary begins to reshape our nervous system to feel more safe the next time we set a boundary.

“When you approve of you-you don’t put so much energy into what others think of you.” ~Krista Resnick

“When you don’t have a caregiver or parent tending to your needs, you will seek outside of yourself to feel worth and enough.” ~Krista

“We seek out that which often feels familiar.” ~Krista Resnick

Krista Resnick-WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Have you known that you needed to set a boundary and just struggled to do it?

Do you sometimes beat yourself up for knowing that you need to say no but you find yourself once again subordinating and appeasing?  

This episode is about understanding boundaries from an internal/nervous system perspective.  

I believe that understanding the nervous system is essential in any sort of healing work.   When you begin to understand the nervous system, suddenly-everyone makes sense.  What's so awesome about that is we can begin to move through the world with more compassion-not only toward ourselves, but also toward others.  

Author, therapist, and podcaster Lisa Dion joins me on the show today to dive into understanding what's happening internally when we are dysregulated.  This is essential to boundary work because if we don't know how to come back home to ourselves -we can't regulate and we can't set a boundary from an empowered place.  The alternative is setting boundaries from a place of control and fear which isn't helpful to deepening our relationships.  

Lisa shares with us powerful yet simple practices to help us come back home to ourselves so we can speak our truth and not get swept away by our emotions.  

Listen to Learn:

"I can either stay connected to me-but that might mean I lose other. Or I can try to stay connected to other, which almost definitely means I'm going to lose me." -Lisa Dion

"My own internal sense of okay-ness is not dependent upon whether or not someone likes me, or doesn't like me. Because in those moments, I'm putting my internal boundary in someone else's hands."-Lisa Dion

"We don't know where the boundary is, unless we can feel where the boundary is. So if we're not in our bodies we aren't able to listen to the body cues and we're going to have a hard time listening to that moment where we are about to disconnect or lose ourselves." -Lisa Dion

"When you are connected to yourself,  you have the opportunity play with and be more fluid with your boundaries." -Krista Resnick

"If we're so used to rigid boundary setting, right or wrong boundary setting, or rule based boundary setting, you don't have to learn anything about your body in that. You just have to follow the script."- Lisa Dion

"Boundary work is self discovery work.  It's doing that deep worth work to really fall in love with ourselves." -Krista Resnick

LINKS

Krista Resnick | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM |FACEBOOK |  FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

LISA DION | WEBSITE | SYNERGETIC PLAY THERAPY

Have you ever wondered why you sometimes react to situations the way that you do?

Do you tend to lash out at those you love?

Do you self-censor and try not to upset the apple cart?

Do you bury yourself in work?

Do you scrolling for hours on facebook and instagram?

Or do you drown your feelings in a gallon of Cherry Garcia ice cream while watching re-runs of Grace and Frankie for an entire weekend?

One of the things that we want to recognize, is that we all have circumstances or relationships in our life that cause us to be triggered.  Triggers cause us to move out of this state of that warm, present cozy, state of connection to ourselves and push us into our safety patterns such as fight, flight and freeze.  

When we are triggered, we are in our survival brain-literally trying to survive whatever is happening outside of ourselves that we deem as potentially dangerous.  Our rational thinking brain is turned 'off line' making it really challenging for us to respond in a way that is connecting and healthy.  Often, we respond by shutting down, walking on egg shells, criticizing, demanding, or simply avoiding.  

Triggers can actually be a beautiful thing-because they show us where some of our deepest work lies.  They can be a pretty awesome invitation to go inward and  heal old wounds, untrue thoughts and unmet needs.  The triggers you experience hold so much incredible feedback. 

They're really your key to understanding your healing.

In this episode I talk about understanding your triggers and your glimmers-those things that bring you back home to yourself.  I share with you plenty of ideas to get you started creating your own glimmer list, but I invite you to create your own so that you can learn exactly what glimmers or resources help you regulate your nervous system and come back home to you.

Before listening consider:

These can all be signs of triggers.  And while triggers are not fun-I can honestly say that they are a gift.  

"Glimmers help you come back home to yourself.  They create a sense of safety and connection to yourself."~Krista Resnick

"When we don't know how to move through conflict, and be in the discomfort of our dysregulation. It's almost impossible to have rich relationship." ~Krista Resnick

"There's a lot of important information in our triggers, I want you to start thinking about triggers being your new invitation to go inward."~ Krista Resnick

"The triggers you experience hold so much  feedback. They're really your key to understanding your healing."~Krista Resnick

LINKS FROM EPISODE

FAWN to FIERCE

Krista Resnick

Afton Brazzoni is the founder of Scribe National, where she and her team have the pleasure of helping billion-dollar companies and solopreneurs alike with their marketing. After 10 years working in marketing and communications roles, Afton launched Scribe National in 2019. Since then, they've helped over 50 clients worldwide unleash their brilliance through the written word.

Afton knows the struggle of boundaries in business.  She  considers herself  to be a  bit of a people pleaser -which is common for many of us-we want to be liked, we don’t necessarily want to upset anyone.  When Afton was building her business, there was a time period where she felt she needed to be  a bit more fluid with her boundaries.  However, she also understood what she was building and that she had no desire to make this a long term situation.  She believes that establishing boundaries with yourself, clients, and team members as well as  setting expectations and communicating those expectations are all essential skills that one must learn to really master entrepreneurship.

Before listening to this episode consider....

At a certain point Afton said enough is enough!  She recognized that what she needed to do was  actually address boundaries in all areas of her  life. It wasn’t easy-and even a bit messy, but Afton mentioned in the interview how incredibly rewarding it was.

I can attest that there hasn’t been too many things that have pushed my edges out quite like entrepreneurship (well, of course motherhood).  It can be easy to lose yourself in client demands, expectations and wanting to serve with a heart of excellence.  Its easy to sometimes blur boundary lines.

At a certain point Afton said enough is enough!  She recognized that what she needed to do was  actually address boundaries in all areas of her  life. It wasn’t easy-and even a bit messy, but Afton mentioned in the interview how incredibly rewarding it was.

Boundaries are one of the best things we can do to protect our peace, our energy, our lifeforce.  But you have to trust yourself in order to set them-if you’re solid in yourself-your boundaries become clear and honest.

“Setting a boundary feels uncomfortable, but not setting one actually also causes a great deal of discomfort as well” ~  Afton Brazzoni

“I don't believe that anybody is a people pleaser. I believe that there's a part of them that uses people pleasing as a protective strategy to feel approved of, to perhaps have some control so that they in essence, stay safe.” ~Krista Resnick

“Boundary work is worth doing the work.” ~Afton Brazzoni

“When you're doing boundary work what you're really doing is self worth work.  You're cleaning out patterns that look like people pleasing, codependency, subordinating, appeasing and placating So, when you begin healing  those things is when you can start standing in your truth and lead.” ~Krista Resnick

“Appreciate yourself for doing the work.” ~Afton Brazzoni

FAWN TO FIERCE

AFTON BRAZZONI

This live coaching session is about owning and expressing our truth.  Today's caller Laura, has an old childhood pattern coming up of 'going along to get along.'  Laura has a big decision to make and is really fearful of what other's may think of her choice and the potential impact it could have.  As you will hear in this show,  Laura refers to herself as an 'oops baby.'  The youngest of four siblings, Laura was constantly drug to her older sisters event and activities.  By the time Laura came along-her parents were tired.  She believed she was an inconvenience to her family and as a result she felt a lot of shame and as if she was a a burden to others.  

Guilt and shame prevent us from being able to honor our truth, needs and feelings.  We wind up being in-authentic and hiding our truth, which can leave us feeling resentful.   Needs are not a weak thing to have.  But because Laura was so accustomed to playing small and not wanting to be a burden, it almost felt wrong for her to rise up and express what she needed.  Please hear me say...it is OK to choose something that may feel selfish but is self-honoring and in the best interest of those involved.  

When it comes to relationships, it can be hard and messy to not let guilt get involved when it comes to our decision making.  Most of us don't like that thought of hurting those we care about but when we allow guilt and obligation to make our decisions for us-we aren't making choices that in the highest good of everyone involved. 

Our needs extend much beyond things like survival.  We need human connection, adventure, play just to name a few.  It doesn't make you weak to have these needs.  It makes you human.  Part of Laura's work will be to acknowledge and express her needs.  It doesn't make her wrong-it doesn't even mean that the other person will agree to her needs, but owning and acknowledging what it is that we need is our truth.  And our truth cannot be denied.  

Consider:

Laura's question : 

Laura is faced with a decision to relocate but at the cost of not being near her mother which she has spent the past two years building a beautiful and healthy relationship with.  She feels selfish for wanting this, she feels guilty for taking her son far from her mother.

Laura's a-ha's:

Where in your life are you not expressing yourself?  Where do you feel selfish for simply having a human need?  Look at where certain needs in your life aren't being met and make yourself accountable for having a clarifying conversation

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

From Fawn to Fierce

This time of year always brings up such conflicting feelings for me. There is the part of me that much like the leaves dying and falling from the trees, longs to surrender and let go of old patterns, behaviors and habits that are no longer serving me.

And then, there are the parts of me that want to dive into the harvest and move quickly.  To say YES to opportunities and experiences, and give and serve.  

What I have learned about boundary work is that it is deeply sacred.  It is the art of learning how to truly say YES to yourself.  Many of us were raised believing that boundaries and saying yes to yourself was selfish.  I'm here to say that it's not.  While I know this can rattle a lot of feathers and kick up a lot of dust, it is truth that you were made to claim the life that God has for you and it begins by paying attention to the parts of yourself that are worn out, exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful.  

Fall is a perfect reminder that it is good and healthy to let go of meeting the constant demands and requests of others and slowly and gently begin to place the focus on ourselves and our needs, dreams, desires and wishes.  Yes we were made to be in community and connection with others, which does present the confusion around how do I know when I've gone too far?  But it is when we start asking that very question-how do I know that i've gone too far, that we've probably gone too far.  Shame is often what drives us to put our feet on the gas pedal and keep going, placate, subordinate and people please.  

But before the world dumped it's shame on you-God said you were good.  He said you were designed in HIS image.  You are not broken, you are HIS and HE SAYS you are GOOD.  You are worth your best yes!  

Listen to Learn:

"Saying yes to yourself is just as important to saying yes to everyone around you." ~Krista Resnick

"Saying yes to your own needs, desires, and ambitions is not selfish." ~Krista Resnick

"Boundary work is sacred work because we are saying yes to the deep desires of our heart."  ~Krista Resnick

"Saying yes to yourself is about staying connected to yourself." ~Krista Resnick

"Boundary work is not always about saying NO.  Often it is about what we are saying YES to.  It's about getting clear on saying yes to our values, our truth and our needs." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS FROM THE EPISODE

Free to Be Workshop

Krista Resnick-Website