Make the Shift

Boundaries can be so challenging for many of us. 

This meditation will help you remember who you are, regain your inner strength and to own your space.  This meditation will help you teach others how you would like to be treated.  ENJOY!!!

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BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP

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We have been conditioned to believe that anger is a negative emotion-especially for us women who have learned to be 'nice." 

However, in today's episode, I want to help you understand that anger is a survival mechanism, rooted in passion. If you have a strong desire needing to be expressed that is thwarted, you will have anger.  Just think about the messaging we receive as children around our emotions:

Don’t cry.

Don’t be scared.

Don’t be angry-it doesn’t look good on you.

Smile, it makes you look better…

But anger is about understanding what is important to you.  It's about identifying what your values are  What you stand up for.  What the essential aspects of your life are that you hold dear to your heart.

My guest today Anchen Texter is a licensed Dynamic Emotional Integration® Trainer and Consultant and instructor at Empathy Academy. She specializes in teaching about anger and boundaries, emotion-regulation, and self-care and preventing empathic burnout. She's the author of five courses; Befriending Anger, Befriending Sadness, Befriending Shame, and Befriending Fear, and the workshop Awakening to Your Emotions.

Anchen teaches us in this episode that emotions are at the core of who we are and how we operate. She explains that when you know what you're feeling, then you have a whole lot more power in your life to decide how to act, what kind of relationships you want to have, where you want to spend your time, and the kind of memories you will create. Emotions literally affect everything. When you can listen to what your emotions are telling you, then you are making your emotions into your allies.

"Emotions have important messages for you.   You can trust them."~Anchen Texter

"Everyday is a huge options of choices, and all of those choices are based on your values.  When you know your values and what matters to you, life becomes a lot easier." ~Anchen Texter

"Your emotions are there to support you in being who you are." ~Anchen Texter

"Conflict is feedback and it can be a beautiful gift to bring us closer together."~Krista Resnick

"Boundaries are about going within, feeling your way through it and trusting yourself." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS: 

BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES

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FACEBOOK 

EMPOWERED BOUNDARIES FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

EMOTIONAL ALLIANCE

EMPATHY ACADEMY

YOU TUBE CHANNEL

THE LANGUAGE OF EMOTIONS BOOK

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

THE DANCE OF ANGER

Today's podcast comes from a listener-thank you Shelby!

Her question came from wanting to know how to communicate her boundary while letting the other person know when they are being crossed, Shelby was curious as to how we can show that our boundaries have been crossed and let the other person know that it’s not okay, while at the same time let it go, and stand in acceptance.  

I love this question, and it's one that many people get hung up on.  

This podcast breaks down my thoughts and answer into some simple digestible action steps.

LINKS:

BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES

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Empowered Boundaries Facebook Community

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So much of the love, the safety, the validation that we crave, we look for externally.  

We want another person or situation or achieving some goal to make us feel a certain way-but as you know self love is an inside job and as a reminder, self love isn’t something you have to learn.  This doesn’t have to be hard.    

Love is who you are-so it really is a process of remembering, of letting go of all those judgments and limiting beliefs about who you are that keep you out of the energy of love and more in the energy of fear.

So the intention of this meditation is to just let go of the fears and the judgments and connect with the truest purest part of you which is love.

LINKS

Build Better Boundaries Workshop

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Codependency is one of my favorite topics   I know firsthand what it’s like to live on the other side of the street and lose all sense of myself.  I think so many people suffer from codependency and aren’t even aware.  That is why I am committed to talking about it and sharing information about it on this podcast.

Setting boundaries for a codependent person is a terrifying thing-almost impossible because a person who has codependent tendencies puts their value and wholeness in the hands of others.  Therefore, boundaries = major risk!!!

My guest today, Darlene Lancer, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author and expert on codependency and relationships. She has worked with couples and individuals for 30 years, and she shares SO much valuable information in today’s show about what codependency looks like, how to begin recovery, the connection between shame and codependency, the connection between codependency and narcissism and practical steps to becoming a healthy, whole you.

Listen to Discover

“Codependency is a person who’s thinking and behavior revolves around something or something else rather than coming from their innate self. Your thinking and behavior revolves around something outside of you.”  -Darlene Lancer

“The more we look outside of ourselves for our worth, the emptier and emptier we become inside.”   In the later stages of codependency we can turn into an empty shell of ourselves.” -Darlene Lancer

“Codependents lose themselves in relationship.” -Darlene Lancer

“Parents are to mirror back to us our worth and enough-ness and when that doesn’t happen there’s a rift in the development of who we are.” -Krista Resnick

“Shame is a core sentiment of codependency.”- Darlene Lancer

“It’s not enough to say I love you….it’s about valuing you for WHO you are…your authentic self.”  -Darlene Lancer

LINKS FROM THE EPISODE:

Darlene Lancer Website

Krista Resnick

Instagram

Facebook

Empowered Boundaries Facebook Community

Do you have a hard time trusting yourself? Do you hide parts of yourself – your feelings, beliefs, and ideas – in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they don’t matter?

Friends this is self-abandonment.

We abandon ourselves when we don’t value ourselves, when we don’t act in our own best interest, and when we don’t encourage and comfort ourselves.  At the root is a lack of self love.  And when we lack self love, we often use coping strategies like codependency, people pleasing, numbing, avoiding and distracting to over compensate.  

Self-abandonment begins in childhood. It’s likely that your parents or other influential adults didn’t meet your emotional and/or physical needs in childhood – they abandoned you emotionally or physically — causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable.

As adults, we tend to repeat these types of patterns from childhood because they’re familiar; we repeatedly choose partners and friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or don’t support us. And we do the same to ourselves. We don’t know how to be there for ourselves because no one was truly there for us as children.

The good news is that we can heal.  We can take responsibility for our growth and our lives and start building self-esteem and confidence to create whatever it is that we want.

Listen to discover:

"Self-abandonment is a learned behavior, a way you tried to cope with unhealthy or dysfunctional family dynamics." ~Krista Resnick

"When you live in an unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive family, you learn to hide your true self. You act like a chameleon, morphing into whatever role will keep the peace and help you avoid ridicule, put-downs, physical and emotional pain." ~ Krista Resnick

"Abandoning yourself may have been a necessity during childhood, but it isn’t helpful anymore." ~Krista Resnick

"Everyone has feelings and needs. You may not have been allowed to express them as a child (or even in some of your adult relationships), but you can now be a safe haven for your own feelings and needs." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS & RESOURCES:

COMING HOME TO YOU WORKSHOP

INSTAGRAM

FACEBOOK 

EMPOWERED BOUNDARIES FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

COMPASSIONATE BOUNDARIES MEDITATION & JOURNAL PROMPTS

What is attachment trauma and how does it correlate with boundaries?

Attachment trauma is “a consistent disruption of physical and emotional safety" in the family system. 

Our nervous system's are constantly learning how to be in connection with people. And the biggest question we are often asking internally and subconsciously is -"is it safe to be in connection or not?"  ARE YOU A SAFE PERSON?  

When an infant experiences consistent care where his/her needs are met, he/she internalizes three things:

If we don't experience these things are children, it builds the relationship template that we carry through our adult lives into our adult relationships.  

When a child understands that they are safe, heard and valuable he or she can then develop other healthy relationships. Without this as a secure foundation, as adults we try to get the unmet needs of our inner child met which is what create so much chaos in our adult lives.  

Listen to discover:

"The initial relationship between self and others serves as a blueprint for all future relationships.”-Krista Resnick

"Our nervous system is constantly learning how to be in connection with people. And the biggest thing around that is, is the question...is it safe to be in connection or not? There’s all these overt ways that it can feel not safe, but also really covert ways that it can start feeling unsafe and shutting us down or revving us up." -Krista Resnick

"The unmet needs of our inner child are what create chaos in our adult life." -Krista Resnick

LINKS & RESOURCES

COMING HOME TO YOU WORKSHOP

Krista Resnick-Instagram

Empowered Boundaries Facebook Community

Facebook

Website

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin

When you hear the word codependent what comes up for you?  Do you feel contempt or shame?  Does the term make you curious?  Have you heard it before but not really sure what it is.

In this episode I unpack with you what codependency actually is-not necessarily what the symptoms are but the core root of codependency.  I believe that this is incredibly important and often overlooked because we cannot treat it and step into recovery unless we really get at the root of what's causing it and solve it there.  

Listen to discover:

Why codependency” is an outdated term.

Why so many codependents find themselves chronically in unhealthy, unbalanced relationships.

What codependency REALLY is

What causes codependency.

The one emotion that people with codependent tendencies are terrified to feel.

The 8 characteristics that make up our Self energy-the traits that we were born with.

A couple of tips to begin recovery from codependency

This is such a great episode to help you really understand all things codependency  because again, we cannot treat it, if we don't really understand the root cause.  

"God created us in HIS image.  He is GOOD.  Therefore WE are GOOD."  ~Krista Resnick

"Our childhood attachment trauma causes us core shame and core shame is a belief that you are fundamentally bad or flawed."~Krista Resnick

"Each of us has a relationship template from childhood.   It is this template that then sets us up for our adult relationships."  ~Krista Resnick

"Loving someone while remaining invisible in the relationship creates pathological loneliness." ~Krista Resnick

"Codependents behave with OTHERS in mind and  habitually controls others into loving them." ~Krista Resnick

"We have to go back and do the work around our childhood wounds-our trauma’s.  We have to allow ourselves to grieve the parents that maybe we never had."~Krista Resnick

"The unmet needs of your inner child are what create chaos in your adult life." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS & RESOURCES

BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES

INSTAGRAM

FACEBOOK

EMPOWERED FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

THE HUMAN MAGNET BOOK

If you've been around Becoming Boundaried for a minute you know that I am crazy about relationship.  Both relationship with SELF and relationship with others (because you can't have one without the other). When our boundaries are rigid, we are so often coming from a place of fear and judgment, which leads us to feeling isolated and lonely.  The reality is, we are relational beings.  But judgment breaks our relationships because we are saying my way is right therefore you are wrong-therefore there is no ability to connect.  We dodge vulnerability and we often find ourselves in relationships where we are working to fix, control and manage others.  These over-functioning parts can often block the true intimacy and connection that deep down we desire.  

My guest today, Molly LaCroix is also passionate about relationship.  In this interview, Molly talks about her own childhood adversity  and the pain it caused her, which created a rift in her system.  She explains how when we are left to process something that we don’t have the inner capacity to process on our own, it gets stuck and it shapes the choices moving forward that we make.  So many of us wonder why we make the choices we do-we feel stuck and confused yet when Molly explains how childhood adversity and trauma get stuck in our system-it makes the 'stuckness' we experience make so much sense!

In this episode, we discuss healing from trauma using Internal Family Systems, how easily beliefs can get stuck in our system, and why we use fear and judgment to block us from experiencing true connection in our relationship as well as the pain that it can cause.

Listen to discover:

I love Molly's gentle and loving approach because safety and connection truly are what help us heal.  God's design for us friends is to heal.  And this conversation will help you understand why.  Lastly we also touch on the topic of anger-one of my favorite emotions.  Molly helps us recognize where to start if you are terrified of your anger but realize you've got it buried deep down within and need to slowly let it go.  

"We can get curious about why a part of me is having this reaction to another person.-tell me more…" Molly LaCroix

"Uncertainty frightens us," Molly LaCroix

"Fear of vulnerability is always the underbelly of resisting connection with others." Molly LaCroix

"Our parts need to be heard and welcomed just as they are." Molly LaCroix

"I was raised in the church of ONE RIGHT WAY." Krista Resnick

LINKS & RESOURCES

Molly LaCroix Instagram

Molly LaCroix's Book 

BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP

Do you often feel like you are building someone else's life?  You've done all the things you're supposed to do, your life looks good on paper and yet there is something off?  

Friends, happiness, joy, freedom and peace come from within.  My guest today, Andrea Tessier discovered this truth when she started to look inward and unlearn everyone else's expectations.  Andrea's journey began with feeling insecure and working to overcompensate by being wrapped up in the hustle and self sacrifice.  After recognizing that she was the problem and therefore the solution, she started on her journey of re-remembering who she really was.  

In this episode Andrea shares her personal story and how she went from self sacrifice and insecure to being able to freely express and trust herself in every moment.  

Listen to discover:

We've all chased something in our lives that we believe will make us feel like we've arrived.  The house, the relationship, the kids, the right friend group, the perfect body size, the right job, the right degree but even after all that chasing-I believe that many of us still feel those pangs.  Those little nudges along the way that remind us- "HEY.....get back to YOU.  You are enough, You are OK, You are worthy just as you are!!!"

Using the practices in this episode, you can turn up the self acceptance and self expression in your life, which will help you feel aligned and free no matter your circumstances.

“When we don’t know what we feel, we aren’t in tune with what we need.” Andrea Tessier

"I had to teach myself HOW to be self expressed.  For decades I shoved everything down and in."  Andrea Tessier

"If I’m not in my own personal truth and expression, how can I invite the other person forward to be in theirs?" Andrea Tessier

"Owning who you are is a choice in every single moment"-Andrea Tessier

"This idea of confusion is a myth.  We are listening to so many things around us that it drowns out our knowing."  -Andrea Tessier

"Too often we take responsibility for other people’s feelings."-Krista Resnick

"Words can destroy or words can build a bridge." -Krista Resnick

"We have to take ourselves out of autopilot." -Krista Resnick

LINKS & RESOURCES

Andrea Tessier Website

Freedom Starter Kit

Safe to Rise

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BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES