Make the Shift

Have you even been involved in a conversation where you walked away feeling more disconnected than when you started?

Have you been a part of a conversation where you felt as if your needs and feelings didn't matter?

If so, there is hope.  Non-violent communication takes all the mystery out of HOW to have difficult conversations and gives you some tangible tools to put to use.  Non-violent communication allows us to determine what is going on within us and what might be alive in another person so we can determine how can we share that in a way that we want to give and receive from one another.

Today's guest, Kathy Ziola has presented training events and retreats in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), relationships, healing, personal growth, and stress management over the past forty years. She has been teaching NVC since 2005, certified in 2009. 

Kathy introduces us to something called Dangerous Assumptions which are thoughts and interpretations that we think are true.  When we are so convinced we are right-it gives no choice but to assume the other person is 'wrong.'  This type of thinking and communicating only sets us up for failure.  It disconnects us from others

Listen to Learn:

I am so passionate about healthy communication.  When we can understand that we all have universal needs and that at the crux-everyone is simply trying to get their needs met, it opens us up to a compassion and gentleness that sometimes can be hard to reach, because of all our assumptions.

You will love this episode as Kathy's passion to support others in creating relationships and systems that thrive through living with compassion, empathy, honesty and authentic presence is so prevalent.  

“I like to think of  NVC is a tool that helps us create safety in our relationships.“ ~Krista Resnick

“In NVC, we can express and share our deep needs and do that in ways that will pull out from other people their natural desire to give.” ~Kathy Ziola

“Assumptions are thoughts and interpretations that we think are true.“~ Kathy Ziola

“The dangerous thing about assumptions is that we believe they are truth…” ~Kathy Ziola

“When we make assumptions, we are asking for problems.”~ Kathy Ziola

"What does it mean about me if I wasn’t right?  What would it mean about me if I were?  What am I actually attached to here?" ~ Kathy Ziola

“When you aren’t living your truth, being authentic-your relationship can only go so deep.” ~ Krista Resnick

“Needs are qualities of life that feed us-they are universal.  Needs are what motivate people.” ~Kathy Ziola

Krista Resnick-Website

Free to Be Workshop

Kathy Ziola-Website

When there is any level of conflict in your relationships, what is your reaction?  Do you try to quickly make the situation okay, do you please others by placating and stepping over your own boundary lines?  Do you find that you walk on egg shells in certain relationships?  Do you have a hard time knowing and expressing what you need?

When I first started doing this work,  I noticed that I could have every boundary script ready to go, but still fail to set the boundary.  I began to piece together that certain people triggered me in a way  where I suddenly found myself trading in what I stood for because I was scared to share my truth.   I self censored when I wanted to express myself and even though I was practicing  my affirmations, I continued to give my power away to those that I thought were more experienced and smarter than me.  I came to the conclusion that boundaries were much more nuanced and complicated than saying no.  

Conceptually, I understood boundaries, but I knew there was a missing piece. 

What I discovered through my own personal  journey, research and work is that healing people pleasing and codependency are a lot deeper and more complex than “just say no and set a boundary.”  You might be familiar with flight, fight and freeze trauma responses, but there is an additional trauma response that doesn’t get as much publicity.  That response is called FAWN and it’s often the root of what people pleasing and codependency are  all about.  

And  believe that if you really want to heal your boundaries,  we have to go to the root.  

LISTEN TO LEARN

Understanding this stress response, changed my life.  Once I figured out that I was having a stress response, I could start showing compassion for myself and begin to do the deeper work of healing this pattern.  

"When conflict arose, I went into my people pleasing strategy.  I acquiesced, I traded in my values for the sake of someone else’s and I often tripped over my own personal boundary for the sake of another’s approval."~Krista Resnick

"If you  want to heal your boundaries,  you have to go to the root."~Krista Resnick

"People pleasers and codependents despise conflict." ~ Krista Resnick

"Fawning strategies at the root, are nervous attempts to deflect attention." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS

Free to BE Workshop

Krista Resnick-Website

Instagram

Facebook

Facebook Community

I love all things emotions but it wasn't always that way.  I used to be so cut off from feeling my feelings and anger was especially hard for me access.  I deemed it wrong, hurtful, extreme and ugly.  Today, I love anger because I understand that this powerful emotion is simply feedback.  It is information that I can use and work through to process pain, shame, or a boundary violation.  

Emotions can feel so uncomfortable because of how they modeled for us or because we simply don't know how to sit with the discomfort of our emotions. These simply aren't things we are taught as children.  Our guest today, Dr. Christian Conte, is one of the world's leading experts on emotions and anger management.  Dr. Conte has worked with some of the world's most violent criminals, MMA fighters as well as top athletes and some of the toughest people in maximum security prisons to help them integrate  their emotions, specifically their anger.  

In this episode Dr. Conte walks us through a bit of his work called "Yield Theory" and helps us learn how to manage our emotions (as well as explaining what it even means to manage your emotions).  

LISTEN TO LEARN:

Anger can be healthy or unhealthy.  We all feel it, we all experience it.  But one thing is certain-we cannot simply allow it to run rampant in our lives and it is dangerous to suppress it on the other extreme.  So how do we work with our anger?  Listen to this episode with Dr. Conte to find out.

“There are two kinds of people in the world.  People with issues and dead people.” Dr. Christian Conte

“I saw a need for people to master their emotions.”  Dr. Christian Conte

“Knowing a concept doesn’t mean you're working on a concept.”  Dr. Christian Conte

“People see your actions, NOT your intentions.” Christian Conte

“We minimize the pain we cause others and we amplify the pain they cause us.”  Dr. Christian Conte

“Be accurate in your language.” Dr. Christian Conte

“At some point you have to sit in the discomfort and understand that others are stuck in their own stuff and it doesn’t have to mean anything about you. “ Krista Resnick

LINKS & RESOURCES

Dr. Christian Conte - YOUTUBE | WEBSITE | FACEBOOK | BOOK 

Krista Resnick -WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK | FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

Have you ever wondered, why do I feel the way I do?  Why am I always so tired, so angry, so resentful?  Why do I feel guilty about everything?  Why can’t I just be more confident and have better self-esteem?  Why are my relationships so toxic?  Why do I struggle to get anything done?  Why do I never just feel good enough?

Codependency is based in and LOVES fear.   Along with that fear comes a lack of self love.  The feelings that come along with codependency can become addictive-YES we actually can become addicted to feeling the constant states of overwhelm, resentment, anxiety and lack.  Our cells literally get used to feeling this lack of self love.

When we feel this emotion, there’s a cellular change in the body. Neurotransmitters are released and the physiology of the body shifts. As our physiology shifts, the neural pathways in the brain fire and wire in response.  Feeling and reacting habitually strengthens neural pathways which will make us subconsciously seek the same emotion. So our body becomes dependent on our own chemical responses.  Yes even if the emotion makes us miserable, the rush of neurotransmitters are a reward.

In this episode I dive deep into bridging the gap between codependency and emotional addiction and provide 6 ways to help you feel from the same old miserable emotions that keep you stuck with the same old results.  

Listen to Learn:

"Few people understand the chemical cocktail of human emotion." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS

Krista Resnick -WEBSITE- INSTAGRAM -FACEBOOK- FACEBOOK COMMUNITY-

3 WAYS TO CULTIVATE SELF-TRUST EPISODE

Do you struggle to make a decision?  Are you terrified that you are going to choose the wrong thing or upset someone if they don't agree with your choice?

Do you live life by an opinion poll, always collecting and taking note of what other people need and want?

Oh man do I know this pattern WELL.  One of the ways codependency manifested for me was my inability to trust myself.  As annoying as it was, for me and for everyone around me, I couldn’t seem to stand firm in my decisions.  I longed to be more confident and stand firm in my decisions, but couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me.

Does that resonate with you too?

If so, this episode provides you with  3 ways to begin to trust yourself.  

Listen to Learn:

"One of the best ways to begin to build self trust and heal from codependency is to begin feeling your feelings once again."~Krista Resnick

"When you’re reliant on other people’s opinions and guidance, you’re much like a feather in the wind-susceptible to any small or big gust that comes along.  You aren’t in control of your life and you give others way too much power over how you feel." ~Krista Resnick

"Feelings and emotions were not welcome in my world, so my only way through was to disconnect from feeling at all." ~Krista Resnick

"If you experienced any amount of neglect, or had emotionally unavailable parents you may have learned to suppress your feelings in order to survive." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE

Coming Home to You Workshop

Krista Resnick-WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK 

FACING CODEPENDENCE by Pia Mellody

If you struggle with perfectionism, striving, hustle and believing that if you just achieved X,Y or Z then you would feel happy, this is ONE EPISODE YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS!

Today's guest, Dr. Andrea Pennington has been a sought-after media personality for over twenty years, She has shared her empowering wellness advice on the Oprah Winfrey Show,  the Dr. Oz Show, CNN, the Today Show, and as a news anchor for Discovery Health Channel. She is also a featured teacher on the Insight Timer app.

Dr. Andrea is also leader of The #RealSelfLove Movement, a comprehensive online community offering free resources designed to empower you to heal the inner child, reprogram your subconscious mind, transform from victim to hero and rewrite your life story.

Dr. Andrea brings her unique nerdy blend of medical science, positive psychology and mindfulness meditation to empower you to show up authentically, love passionately and live orgasmically. She facilitates a variety of workshops around the world which promote holistic healing, resilience, trauma recovery and self-love using trauma-informed positive psychology.

In this episode we go deep into Dr. Andrea's 5 step REAL selflove process and she shares candidly about her own healing journey and what she had to go through in order to start loving the woman in the mirror.  

This work can often feel heavy, as so much of it is about grieving the childhood's many of us never got to have.  Our parents are not perfect. They often wound us.  And that can be a hard notion to accept because what happens when we are faced with that truth?  Dr. Andrea shares with us some insightful tips to navigate the grief that often arises as a result of our relationship with our parents.  

Listen to Learn:

AND SO MUCH MORE.....

“Lack of self love is what drove my perfectionism and compulsive need to prove myself.” ~Andrea Pennington

“Even when I had the big successful career, the car, the expense account and the fame, I was still feeling inadequate.” ~Andrea Pennington

“I had a fundamental belief that I am not worthy of love or attention unless I’m doing, performing or achieving.” ~Andrea Pennington

LINKS:

COMING HOME TO YOU WORKSHOP

Dr. Andrea Pennington-WEBSITE

Real Self Love

How to escape victim mentality

Instagram

3 Keys to Become the Hero in Your Life

Guided Meditation Series

Does this sound familiar?

There could be a chance that you have suppressed your anger and it's leaking out which slowly erodes our happiness our authentic expression and our joy.  

On the show today, I have anger management specialist and psychotherapist Michelle Farris explaining the connection between codependency and anger.

Michelle was a former pro at stuffing her anger.  Through examining her own relationships, she noticed that she wasn't being fully honest-she was stuffing her truth and not sharing the things that hurt her.  She became aware that  eventually old resentments and hurts would leak out  only causing more damage to the relationship.  

Now Michelle helps others to move through anger and heal codependency so they can create healthy relationships without sacrificing their big hearts.

Listen to Learn:

“When you grow up with someone who rages, you typically don’t see anger as healthy-you see it as full blown rage.”~Michelle Farris

“Stuffing was making me dishonest in my relationships.”~Michelle Farris

“Boundaries are about being honest.” ~Krista Resnick

“Boundaries are what I choose to participate in and when I choose to leave.” ~Michelle Farris

“If I don’t claim the part of me that is codependent I miss the whole side of me that needs healing.” ~Michelle Farris

"Lack of self trust is a major component of codependency-it’s what sets us up to see other people as our answer.”  ~ Michelle Farris

“Just because something’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s healthy.” ~Krista Resnick

LINKS: 

Krista Resnick 

Website 

INSTAGRAM

COMING HOME TO YOU WORKSHOP

Michelle Farris

Website | Instagram | YouTube | Linkedin

Calming Your Anger Zoom Class

5 Day Email Course on Anger

Do you struggle to communicate with others in a way that you feel seen and heard?  Or perhaps you find that you get stuck in conflict, often going round and round the same issue time and time again.  Maybe you even put off having conversations that you know need to be had in order to keep the peace and eliminate tension.

Today's episode is dedicated to learning how to speak in a way that is more connective, compassionate and honest (while still getting your needs met).  

Communication is hard-most of us were not taught how to properly taught to resolve conflict, share our feelings and ask for what we need.  Conversely, what comes natural to most of us is criticism, defensiveness, judgment and demands.  This sets us up for a major communication fail and lots of hurt, arguing and frustration.

Today's guest, Marianne van Dijk is a nonviolent communication trainer and a conflict mediator. Through her work, Marianne guides people to be more true to themselves and work through potential conflict arising from that. 

Marianne shares her story of burnout, unhappiness and the inability to stand up for herself.  When she was introduced to NVC, it changed her life.  NVC was the missing link to help her express herself in a way that helps her get her needs met WHILE connecting with the other person.

Maybe you too have read all the communication and confidence books but you still don’t know how to DO boundaries. NVC is a beautiful tool that helps us DO differently.

Listen to learn:

“Our need for choice is everything.”  Marianne Van Dijk

“Before nonviolent communication, I had no idea what was going on with me.  I carried so many have to’s which was so draining to my energy.“ Marianne van Dijk

“When you approach conflict with connection in mind, that’s the game changer.”  Krista Resnick

“Violent communication is all the ways we speak that are disconnecting.  It’s the should’s, the have to's, the comparison’s, the analyzing.” Marianne van Dijk

Links from episode:

KRISTA RESNICK WEBSITE

COMING HOME TO YOU WORKSHOP

MARIANNE van DIJK

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION BOOK

I believe that everyone has an inner leader-that place within that is connected, curious, confident, creative and wise.  However, when we are blocked by old stories and childhood conditioning we stop ourselves from standing at the helm of our leadership and allowing our inner leader to LEAD.  One of the common ways we block ourselves from activating our inner leader is people pleasing.

What I have found however, is that many people don’t always understand what people pleasing is.  Yes we want to be kind.  Yes we want to support others, but people pleasing and kind simply are not the same.

People pleasing is one of the key traits of the survival response, fawning.  In a nutshell, “fawning” is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.

And when we live our life focused on and dancing to appease OTHERS, we lose ourselves.

In this episode, I  unpack what some of the fawning traits are as well as ‘types’ of fawners so you might be able to recognize it in yourself.

If you find yourself fawning, don't worry and please don't beat yourself up. You are not alone and this is a common response to complex trauma. You didn't do anything wrong, you're not bad or silly or dumb for developing this response.

You started fawning as a way to cope with a very unstable situation. You did what you needed to do to cope. And now that you know what you're doing, you can start making choices that will help you feel better.

Boundaries are a beautiful way to begin healing from the fawn response-I would love for you to join me at The BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES workshop happening July 18th

LINKS FROM EPISODE

BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES

EPISODE 62: Let's talk about trauma

EPISODE 63: What trauma actually is

INSTAGRAM

FACEBOOK

JOIN THE EMPOWERED BOUNDARIES FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

Today on the show, Ross Rosenberg joins us to talk about narcissism and codependence. The concepts are tied so deeply together and in this episode you will begin to understand why.  Ross spends much of his work helping others understand the term codependency at much deeper level by sharing his concept of what he has coined “self-love deficit disorder.” 

Ross explains the “dance” of codependency and narcissism, exploring how codependency often forms from narcissistic abuse in childhood and why codependents and narcissists are like magnets for each other. We tend to be attracted to what feels familiar to us, which is why codependents often experience such an intense chemistry with a narcissistic partner.  Eventually however, the codependents awakes from their slumber and discovers that his or her “soulmate” has become their “cellmate.” 

It’s not until we learn to fill our own self-love tanks (as I like to say),  that we can break the cycle of abuse and start forming relationships with partners who love and respect our whole selves.

Ross Rosenberg is the CEO and primary contributor of Self-Love Recovery Institute. He's an expert psychotherapist, educator, best-selling author, and expert witness. In addition, he's a global thought leader and renowned expert in codependency, trauma, pathological narcissism, and addictions. His pioneering codependency, narcissistic abuse, and trauma contributions are responsible for much-needed theoretical and treatment-specific updates. Exemplifying his global impact are his 22 million video views/240K subscriber YouTube channel and his 150 copies sold/12 languages Human Magnet Syndrome book.

Listen to discover:

“Codependency is a unequal distribution of LOVE, CARE and RESPECT”-Ross Rosenberg

“All codependents has a severe deficit of self love.”-Ross Rosenberg

“Codependents always fall in love with narcissists because of chemistry.” -Ross Rosenberg

LINKS FROM THE SHOW:

BUILD BETTER BOUNDARIES

KRISTA RESNICK

INSTAGRAM

EMPOWERED BOUNDARIES FACEBOOK COMMUNITY

FACEBOOK

ROSS ROSENBERG

ROSS ROSENBERG YOU TUBE

THE HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME BOOK