MASH Minute

Women’s studies class continues today as we attempt to talk about the awfulness inflicted on Houlihan as the Swampmen break her spirit in the Mess Tent. There’s a brief reprieve where Blake and Radar are adorable together, but it’s quickly ruined by Blake taking advantage of his mistress. *eye roll here* Since MASH’s brand is “booze and awkwardness” that’s what we talk about today: frat parties, why Simmons girls are better than Wellesley girls, favorite musicals, The Golden Girls, etc. One real observation: great hats in this minute. One real question: whatever happened to Mr. Dish?

An uplifting and climactic minute is ruined by Duke and Trapper’s bro-y behavior towards Houlihan at breakfast the morning after her rendezvous with Frank is interrupted by the loudspeaker broadcast. We have an awesome guest (Rachel Mummert’s back), we get to history-geek out over the Armed Forces Radio Network (now AFRTS *snicker* Get it? A Farts?) and certain things happening with the moon in July 1969, AND name a new character! Ok, it’s Murrhardt. But we didn’t recognize him at the time and we had to do something to cheer ourselves up. That spoon in Trapper’s mouth portends more awfulness. We have lots of recommendations but the biggest one is maybe just respect women’s personal spaces!

She might not even be talking about the lips on her face, Sonny! Today Margaret Houlihan becomes Hot Lips and we learn a lot we didn’t necessarily want to. We can’t help it: fellow library enthusiast Rachel Mummert is here and it’s time to ask reference questions about the history of vibrators and Hawkeye’s medical joke. Pour yourself your libation of choice, stay safe and consensual, and flip the switch on the PA system to loudspeaker: we’re going to share this with the rest of the camp.

Definitely DON'T think about how weird it is that this party is sitting around listening to their coworkers have sex. Try instead to learn about the old radio show The Bickersons... nope, now we're laughing at Mulcahy trying to be one of the guys. Welcome to the party Padre. Does Margaret climax? Please let’s talk about the lighting and cinemtography instead. Dang it, back to talking about stag films, porno theaters, and that time Tierney saw a pervert enjoying PG-13-rated Australia. At least our fundraiser (a trivia contest benefiting cff.org) is better than Trapper's in the book (pretending to be Jesus). And our week is wrapped up perfectly with Rick's music stylings as he presents his lyrics for the theme from MASH.

Everyone's favorite cool aunt and uncle are back to talk about sex (baby). From doctors telling us not to wear underwear with our pajamas to Margaret's one strategic button, from realizing Frank looks like James Taylor to how to maximize your enjoyment of a heated mattress pad, we don't hold anything back. Just as Frank's passion can't be contained by his parka, we can't contain our dismay at their claim that all this is the will of God. Also, because it's us, major spoilers for Madam Secretary and The American President.

Rick and Julia Ingham trade in their Mad Max expertise to give us all some sex advice as Margaret and Frank begin their rendezvous with love. Today we learn the thesis of Frank Burns: he's used to being insulted. There's plenty of TV talk, we learn why the loudspeaker is Julia's favorite character, and passions flare as we debate the merits (or lack thereof) of Moxie. If you learn nothing else today, however, remember: don't watch A Boy and His Dog.

There were so many options to title this episode: Rock Around the 24 Hour Clock. Burns is Burning. Knocko's Knockers. Leave the Door Unlocked. Volmer's Night Off. Blood and Fluid Replacement Party. Period Accurate PBR. But how could we not pay tribute to "our president's theme song"? See, our guest Doris Weiss is from Germany and today we are going to explore SO MANY differences between our countries. At least we all agree that Natty Ice isn't really even beer.

Today is a jam-packed minute: first Megan invents a new term for awful guys as we decide Frank isn't as innocent as he pretends to be. Then Tierney figures out who Margaret would be in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe, and Doris points out the most perfect sign to be on this mailbox possible. I hope you're not too ravenous because we're going to watch Burns and Houlihan kiss, grope each other, leave him wanting more, and mail a letter. All before dinner, RIGHT Robert Altman? Dress casually and try not to feel the need... the need for an absolute ton of speed!

The party doesn't stop as we invite Doris Weiss into our tent to talk about this minute and tell us all about MASH's popularity in Germany. There's more zooming from Altman (and we're pretty sure none of these actors know where the camera is) before we focus in on Robert Duvall being an excellent creep and Sally Kellerman showing off Margaret's "oomph" eyes. Love is in the air as Houlihan finishes their letter on a typewriter that gives everyone satisfaction.

Hail to the Pete/He's the Peter the Retailer/He usually talks about the Wars in Stars/Today he is here to discuss with us this party/And convince us Duke's joke really is funny! All singing aside, the Swampmen have had a whole week to plan the celebration of Trapper John's appointment as Chief Surgeon. Unfortunately Houlihan is in no mood for it and after a dramatic exchange of zooms between her and Trapper John after he insults her, she (with her eyes) vows to destroy him. Or are they in love? We have all sorts of questions. Was Radar a podcaster? Would Alan Alda have made a good Batman?