MASH Minute

Trigger warning for rape. Because according to Painless, he just slept like a doll last night. So… Megan, Tierney, and guest Kathleen Mocklin have all reached the same awful conclusion. Painless enjoys breakfast, Hawkeye smugly cleans his glasses, and Dish all but shouts “K THX BYEEEEEEE” as she takes off in the helicopter. Lucky her, she’ll never have to deal with these boys again. Meanwhile it’s up to Mom Vollmer and Sandy Koufax to keep us from giving up on males entirely.

We set a record for how many bleeps had to be added during editing and issue a trigger warning (yes, AGAIN) for abusive, manipulative, crappy people especially men. Which is too bad because we also in this episode get to hear guest Kathleen Mocklin sing the All That theme song, hear Tierney’s English-minor-inspired MASH theory that she’s been trying to tell the world for years, and Megan basically implies that Knocko invented the Morning After pill. There’s a crazy great musical swell (because cymbals = coitus) and we learn Dish’s full name! All good… except for, you know, this entire premise.

(TW: Abusive relationships with jerk men.) We finally give Kathleen some context for this scene so that she doesn’t have to worry that Painless is actually dead. It doesn’t make it better though, since this whole minute is Hawkeye trying to convince Dish to have sex with Painless. So Hawkeye is cancelled! We shouldn’t have to tell you this, but apparently some people need to hear it: don’t pressure your partner to have sex with someone. Louder for the misogynists in the back: CONSENT IS A REAL THING. Red rooms, eggplant emojis, and manstresses are only fun if everyone is on board, ok? Stay safe and consensual kids!

It’s Lt. Dish’s last night at the 4077th and things are about to get WEIRD. Kathleen Mocklin decided to conduct a little scientific experiment by only watching these minutes so she has no context for what’s happening once the make-out session turns into Hawkeye hugging a loudspeaker pole and then leading Dish in to see the presumably-dead Painless. We reassure our guest multiple times that we did not invite her to watch a porno and she comes up with a tagline for MASH that even Altman would have loved: “I thought you’d be cool with it man!”

Painless’s friends are preparing him for the afterlife with everything he could possibly need: booze, dental tools, and porn. Also possibly his little black book? This is not the death you’re looking for: every one of our main trio have now hinted that Painless isn’t really dying. Too bad no one’s told Boone that. Meanwhile Radar O’Reilly wins our hearts and also confuses us with his peacenik ways. As we wonder what the rest of the camp is up to post-party, Eric Nash swoops in with possibly the best Radar/Star Wars theory yet!

Seidman and Bandini are really getting into their song, Vollmer is wearing scrubs(!), and we are watching the men say their final farewells to Painless. Today we dub our guest Eric Mash as he takes us on a journey from Mike Altman to Watchmen Minute (via Leonard Cohen). We develop in-universe theories, worry about Painless’s mother having to deal with his three girls finding out about each other, and check in with Megan’s sanity as this movie continues. Come for the Crown Royal velvet bag references, stay for Tierney’s disappointment that Arianna Grande wasn’t singing about the space program.

We’ve done it: we’ve found the person who prefers the movie to the tv show! Eric Nash leaves the rock stars of Almost Famous Minute to talk with us about Ken Prymus, Bandini’s guitar-playing skills, and Painless’s gum. Also, just assume there is a trigger warning for this entire film, ok? This is the minute where Painless actually takes his Black Capsule and where we turn a fun debate about what they’re all drinking at this party into a connection between MASH and the Jonestown Massacre.

You never know what will happen during a lunch break… Altman managed to recreate the entire Last Supper! Art History major Josh Neufeld is back to break down the symbolism in this minute as the men of MASH bid adieu to Dear Old Walt. Meanwhile Megan makes Tierney super jealous by describing “The Drunk Tour of Italy with Megan”, we read from the script, and Josh is deputized to spread the idea of “Do Over Cities” throughout the world.

We just want to make clear that Painless is going to be ok. He is NOT going to commit suicide, he is only intending to, as Hawkeye insists to Father Mulcahy. Poor Father Mulcahy… first he gets talked in circles by Hawkeye, then he looks into the tent to see a very familiar tableau assembling… We’ve assembled a great crew to talk about this minute: Josh Neufeld of Scene by Scene with Josh & Dean is here. He has a simple explanation for why this Hawkeye is so different from the TV show AND one of the best possible MASH origin stories. While 3 nurses play Taps outside, we swap stories of fandom, realize the brilliance of the theme song’s title, and talk about the movie soundtrack. By the way, if anyone wants to buy Tierney that soundtrack, feel free to do so!

Megan and Tierney would love to be celebrating being halfway through this movie about MASH Middle School, but today is a heavy minute as Painless tells the guys he’s decided to end his life and they all react… terribly. Seriously, they’re just the worst. Even getting to deep dive into history isn’t fun since it’s about the demise of a certain dictator and his certain wife and his dog and his fanatical followers… yeah. Brad Mendenhall does an amazing job analyzing the “why” of this scene, has us questioning who are the major characters throughout the movie, and joins in the gratefulness for Father Mulcahy as the scene finally changes. In all seriousness, if you ever are having feelings like Painless is, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.