Highest Break It's the final matches of the fifth round and the tension if pretty much unbearable. But still just about bearable. There's discussion of the highest break so far in the tournament and then one of the players challenges for the highest break. But which one? And can she make it? There's a million pounds from our sponsor, Durex if whoever it is that can do it. If that money ever turns up. Which it probably will. Who will be top of the table at the end of this? I can't remember. Maybe you will remember if you consume this. Only four more weeks till the champion is crowned.

Xenophobia - The contest is really hotting up as we try to determine who will be the champion of the European Super League of Self-Playing Snooker and all the players in today's frames are in contention for the win. The ESLOSPS would like to apologise for some of the views expressed in this episode, but sadly they have no recourse to ban players for what they think or say, however offensive to slightly rubbish countries that might be. But let's concentrate on the action and all the places that a Durex can go. Because those are all that matter in this crazy world.

Johnny Be Good - The ESLOSPS is heating up. Can Me 3 go top tonight? Which Me will have lost all four of their first four frames? Is Me11's luck about to turn. Will the old-fashioned attitudes of some of the people involved in this enterprise ever change? And where exactly is Me31 even from? There's a week off as the Mes go on holiday together, but we'll be back soon, before going on holiday again. Sponsor Rich's half marathon at http://justgiving.com/monoball And don't forget to claim your free condom from our sponsors @durexuk

Captain Green: We approach the halfway point of the European Super League of Self-Playing Snooker and with four of the top five in action tonight, we should really see things start to take shape. It's unbearably hot, but it's not just the snooker players who have breaks, because the weather breaks halfway through and there's thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening during the second match. Absolutely the most astonishing night of self playing snooker so far and you won't believe the standard of play or the outcomes of any of this. It's genuinely the greatest sporting contest of all time. And we're only halfway through. Sponsored by Durex. Wife away? Treat yourself to a posh wank with Durex.

ESLOSPS #6 - 54 Years Old. Things are hotting up so much that one way or the other you will probably require a Durex. It's the remaining matches for the third round. Will there be a runaway league leader after this or can the pack at the back make a difference? Me 7 is taking on Me31 and more excitingly Me10 is up against Me11. But who will win? Only one way to find out. Unless you just ask someone who's seen it. So two ways. Sponsored by Durex. When you do your ex. Do-your-ex (Durex).

ESLOSPS #5: Don't Be A Dondom. Rich is singing obscure Barron Knights songs like some kind of unsuccessful Peter Kay who tries to remind people of things that they don't remember. But there's only one sport to worry about tonight as four of the players play their third match in the European Super League. It doesn't get more crucial than this. And the snooker is deep and crisp and slightly uneven tonight. You're going to love it. Sponsored by Durex.

ESLOSPS Week 4 - Alias the Jester. After the awful tired play last week, self-playing snooker bounces back with two of the most exciting frames EVER! But who will top the leader board. Also where is the leaderboard? Sponsored by Durex.

Sex Dew. Richard has had his arse handed to him by a professional 2-player-snooker snooker player, but he returns, sharply dressed to prove that he is the king of the 1-player version of the game which at least doesn't have a sarcastically big board. Me 1 takes on Me3 and Me 2 plays Me4 in their second matches in this super league. Sponsored by Durex.

It's a hot day and everyone in the arena has forgotten to bring any fluids so there's a real chance of collapse in this week's frames, but the ESLOSPS must go on. Me 7 takes on Me10 in a battle of the accents and Me 11 plays against notorious cheat Me31. Plus everyone is wearing a Durex condom thanks to our sponsor Durex - because the end of you cue needs to have chalk on it to protect everyone. In this metaphor the cue is your penis and chalk is a condom. Hope you enjoy this multi-million pound event.

ESLOSPS #1 - Money is More Important Than Fans. It's a new direction for self-playing snooker as the 8 most successful/richest players break off to form their own European Super League of Self Playing Snooker. The fans are up in arms, but unlike the weak fools in football, we're carrying on regardless. F the Fans. But which 8 players will make the cut and who will be playing tonight? I am not telling you in this as that's most of the fun. But the action will prove that it's best to have the best of elite playing if you want brilliant snooker. Big prize money for the winner and for the highest break of the league. Strap in. The next 14 weeks are going to be mega. Sponsored by Durex, for when you want to shoot your balls all over the place, but don't want to get an in off.