Messy Middlescence

The Thanksgiving holiday is just around the corner. We know some people for whom this is their absolute favorite holiday — full of food, friends, and family without the financial and commercial concerns of Christmas or Hanukkah. Similarly, we also know people who dread Thanksgiving because it highlights family division and dysfunction and/or creates a difficult environment for those struggling with weight issues or addiction. We, along with most people, fall somewhere in between.

We love the idea of a day devoted to giving thanks but it is easy to lose sight of the true meaning of the day with the emphasis on food and the stress that often comes with traveling and large groups. No matter where you are on the Thanksgiving spectrum, we hope you will join us as we discuss ideas and suggestions to emphasize gratitude and giving thanks this holiday.

We talk about our family traditions, offer easy ways to integrate gratitude into your day, and make some humble recommendations about the holiday meal. We also discuss some of the challenges of celebrating Thanksgiving during middlescence.

We are thrilled to share our conversation with our sister-in-law, Mary Carolyn Conti. A true artist in every sense of the word, Mary Carolyn is a writer, singer, photographer and theater producer extraordinaire. And her joy and excitement about her middlescence years are downright palpable and, as a result, a bit contagious too. It is impossible not to get caught up in her energy and optimism as she talks about her plans and goals for her next phase.

In today’s episode we discuss with her:

• how she has changed for the better as she has aged
• the significance of life experiences to her work as an artist
• cherishing these last years with her kids at home
• the importance of having a partner who supports and help you achieve your goals
• two pieces of theatre that inspire her own writing
• the emergence of health issues for the first time
• what she is most proud of
• her courage in sharing her gifts with the world.

Last season we interviewed our sister-in-law, Anne Mielke Conti, in the episode “Taking the Leap” about her momentous life change of leaving her corporate job to be at home. We promised at the end of that episode to touch base with Anne again in the future to see where her “leap” had taken her. Today, we fulfill that promise by talking with Anne about the good, the bad, and much in between, that has occurred for her and her family in the last 16 months.

 In “Being Able to Say Yes”, Anne recognizes how fortunate she is to have the opportunity and choice to make this change. As the title of this episode implies, this has been a positive change for her and her family and Anne emphasizes throughout our interview, “this is what is right for right now”. Anne imparts wisdom and insight into both the practicalities of everyday life as well as adjusting to a significant change.

 In this episode we discuss the following with Anne:

• The unique challenges of her home/family as her workplace – highlighting the similarities and differences between her corporate role and her role at home; 
• The “constant juggle” of parenting and work schedules which for many families is a continual struggle. Anne credits the lessening of this “juggle” and the ability to always say yes as the most important factor in her decreased stress levels;
• The challenges of having no defined schedule and/or commitments but also being protective of this unscheduled time which allows Anne to take advantage of opportunities as they happen;
• The joys of a free-time bucket list and the misery of meal planning
• The need to find “me” time and setting boundaries when the tasks and days at home are seemingly endless;
• The joys and struggles of changing seasons
• The importance of doing your best to change the things you can when it comes to less-than-ideal tasks or the environment you might find yourself in;
• The significance of using your core values to stay intentional with your time and choices.

Season #2 of Messy Middlescence begins with a heavy and difficult topic: grief. It may seem like an odd choice for a season opener but Tina’s family and community experienced an unexpected and tragic loss just a few weeks ago. It was a personal reminder that these middlescence years are often full of painful and sorrowful events. We may encounter the loss of — not just older family members — but of friends, neighbors or colleagues. It caused us to think deeply and personally about how do we get through difficult times of grief and loss? How do we help people we care about who have suffered a devastating loss?

This past January, a guest essay was published in The New York Times titled, “Train Yourself to Always Show Up” by Rabbi Sharon Brous. This essay, which is excerpted from her book, The Amen Effect, made a profound impression on both Tara and Tina. It was an article and topic they had planned to discuss in the future, and in light of the recent personal circumstances, the timing felt right to begin the season with these topics.

In this episode, Tina and Tara discuss and explore the beautiful words and ideas from Rabbi Brous’s article, which can act as a guiding light for those in middlescence. 

These include:

• the importance of fighting the natural instinct to withdraw - regardless of whether you are the one grieving or the one trying to support someone grieving;
• the need for community and bearing witness both in joy and in suffering;
• how losing a friend differs from losing a family member;
• the loss of rituals and traditions around grief in modern society and its implications for both individuals and communities.

This episode is the first of several that will attempt to tackle these difficult and painful topics.

In the final episode of their debut season of Messy Middlescence, Tara and Tina conclude the Timeless Happiness series they have presented for the past few episodes. 

Here they return to the “5 Essential Elements of Well Being” and focus on the ones that have not been explored in the previous episodes: Health (physical and mental); Social Relationships, and Community Engagement. Tara defines each of these remaining categories and discusses the possible and various ways to achieve them.

Tara reiterates the need to just start thinking about these – not just from a retirement planning perspective – but for anyone seeking a change in their life for the better.

If you are a regular Messy Middlescence listener – you have by now met many members of the extended Conti family. In this episode you will meet Tina and Tara’s father, Al Conti.

Al went through middlescence some time ago (he is 81) but Tara and Tina found they often referred to their father as they discussed retirement – particularly in the previous Timeless Happiness episodes. They realized that their parents exemplify many of the lessons Tara shares and discusses in her Timeless Happiness classes.

By focusing on Al’s retirement story (their mother declined to be interviewed), many of the challenges and joys of retirement that have been theoretically discussed in the Timeless Happiness episodes are brought to life.

Al shares his wisdom and experiences to detail a retirement journey that, while still ongoing, has successfully moved through the different phases of retirement and overcome many of the typical issues. Through careful planning AND being open to some unexpected occurrences, Al and Tori created a retirement that fulfilled some of their lifelong dreams, reflects their values, and makes them happy.

Tina and Tara discuss with Al:

• His initial vision of retirement and how this changed;
• His and Tori’s dream of building/designing their own home;
• The importance of easing into a new home and community;
• The difficulties of downsizing;
• His decision to go back to work as a consultant 18 months after retiring;
• The importance of hobbies and staying busy;
• The motivation and planning behind their move into a Continuing Care Community;
• His words of wisdom including to be patient, accept that change (despite meticulous planning) is inevitable, and why he does not worry.

Tara puts on her “financial planner” hat once again but this time to discuss the “numbers” side of retirement planning in hopes of alleviating some of the mystery and anxiety that often surround this topic. 

Tara outlines the challenges and uncertainties that can affect financial retirement planning including longevity, inflation, market volatility and unexpected life events. She gives special attention to concerns around inflation and social security.

Together, Tara and Tina explore concepts such as net worth statements, retirement projections, and budget tracking. They stress the importance of using a financial advisor and how to find one you trust.

They continue to focus on how to spend money in ways that bring happiness and peace of mind. Whether you are just starting your retirement planning or fine-tuning existing plans, this episode hopefully will provide you with the tools, information and resources you need to be financially ready for retirement.

In class #3 of the Timeless Happiness series, Tara and Tina take on the topics of money and finances. Tara puts on her “financial planner hat” and walks us through the importance of effectively managing our economic life and the role of finances in our overall well-being. If you are hoping for hard numbers and figures — hold onto that hope for a future episode - because this episode concentrates more on the emotional side of money and finances.

Tara challenges us to consider our personal priorities and values in viewing our financial situations. She stresses the need for a healthy and balanced relationship with money that allows us to both enjoy the present AND plan for the future. She reminds us that money should be viewed as a tool that helps us do the things we want in life.

Tara ends the episode by introducing the “3 essential questions” by George Kinder to help change our perspective about the importance of money in our lives and its role in our happiness. This episode hopefully makes us look at money differently and helps us re-evaluate our relationship with it.

On today’s episode, we talk to Matt Donovan, the husband of co-host Tina Donovan.  Tina has spoken quite frequently throughout our previous episodes about her marriage and her husband. In this episode, we hear Matt discuss, in his own words, his middlescence journey which has been defined by his desire for change and for more time.

In this episode we discuss with Matt the following:

• • His lifelong curiosity, his passion for exploration and his eagerness to try new things
  • Reflections on his personal and professional achievements
  • The struggles of these last years of his career
  • The impact of his parent’s midlife strife on his teenage years and his own middlescence experience
  • The tension between wanting to leave the corporate world and the concern for financial security and healthcare
  • The need to not take life too seriously and to give oneself time to explore and grow
  • His hopes of pursuing his neglected interests of travel, painting and playing music

We hope you enjoy putting “a voice to Matt’s name” and hearing his perspectives on many of the middlescence milestones.

In this episode of Messy Middlescence, Tina and Tara share their insights from the second timeless happiness class. They share their experiences with the homeplay exercises, highlighting the challenges and eye-opening moments they encountered.

They discuss trying to design ideal weeks for retirement, including the influence of a spouse or partner, free time availability, and shifting from a Monday to Friday routine. They also emphasize the importance of adapting structures, different seasons, and being open to new possibilities in the next phase of life.

They explore the concept of ikigai and finding purpose. Additionally, they delve into the power of contribution and leveraging your knowledge. The hosts encourage listeners to think about their ideal days and use journaling to explore their visions for the future. They emphasize the significance of considering the deathbed questions and living with purpose throughout the messy middle of life.