How often are you saying no to life?

Whenever I find myself down, frustrated or upset I eventually notice it’s because I’m saying no to life. What do I mean by this?

For a start it means I’m meeting circumstances with fundamental aggression. I’m resisting and opposing what’s going on instead of accepting it and dealing with it. This could be getting annoyed/angry that others aren’t behaving how I want them to, feeling constricted by my schedule, or just plain wishing things were different.

I’ll repeat again that acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It doesn’t mean giving up or letting myself get dumped on. It’s redirecting my mindset towards what I can control and change - either my mentality or my actions.

And second way you can say no to life is literally by saying no to suggestions for improving. Rejecting ideas without considering or trying them because “they won’t work” or “they’re not good enough.” When I find myself closed off I make a conscious attempt to be more open to trying a new way.

Today ask yourself where you’ve been saying no to life and how you could say yes more.

Forgive and F*Off

Forgiveness is fricking hard! It goes against our sense of fairness. We resist it because it can feel unfair, like the offending party is getting away with what they did. Or by forgiving them we’re somehow condoning their behaviour.

Forgiveness though, is fo the forgiver. It’s letting go of resentment and anger that draining our energy and holding us back.

A great thing is even if you add a million qualifiers to it, it can still be hugely beneficial to your mood and mindset. “I’m open to one day, maybe, possibly, considering about thinking about the possibility of kinda forgiving you.” Add as many as you’d like!

And second strategy is what I call “Forgive & F*Off!” You can forgive them for what they’ve done, and you’re setting the boundary that they won’t be part of your life anymore because of it. You’re not holding onto any anger, and you’re also not giving them the opportunity to hurt you again. Try it, you’ll find it’s pretty freeing and empowering.

Book A Call - https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512

The Complete Fix

One of the biggest things that holds us back from progress is ignoring the partial fix because we want the complete fix!

It’s human nature, we don’t want to burn unnecessary calories for what seems like a very small reward. We want our effort to have a big pay off.

The analogy I like to use with depression is that we want to completely eliminate the darkness. To get rid of every last bit of it. And we feel like we can’t do that. What we can do though is let in a little bit of light.

Sitting for one minute isn’t going to get rid of all the fuzzy thoughts in your head and give you clarity. Expressing gratitude for one little thing isn’t going to bring you total bliss.

What happens though is all these little 1%, or .1% efforts, start to compound and snowball into something. I know what it’s like to want to have it all better right now, and I also dismissed a lot of suggestions that wouldn’t totally fix things, and wasted a lot of time looking for the one thing that would fix everything.

So when you can’t fix it all right now, ask yourself what small incomplete fixes can you make?

No need to apologise for your feelings

How often have you apologised for feeling upset, anxious, moody or emotional? Reached out to a friend because you needed advice or reassurance, only to say sorry for being a burden or ranting to them? Or the old favourite, saying you know others have it worse and adding a nice layer of guilt on top of your feelings?

Your feelings are completely valid. And there is no need to apologise for having them. Your feelings are a signal that a need is or isn’t being met. When you approach your feelings like this it’s a much healthier and productive way of looking at them.

Now maybe your feelings are a result of the narrative you’ve been telling yourself or because you’ve been looking at your situation through a very selective lens. In that case changing the way you look at things can really help.

You’re also allowed to piss and moan with perspective! You can know that you’re lucky you’ve a roof over your head or access to clean water AND you can be upset because you miss your friends or have lost out on your holiday.

Your feelings are personal to you, and they’re 100% legit based on your needs and how you’re interpreting the world around you. Once we acknowledge them we can then start working on figuring out what we need. But fighting them or feeling guilty for having them isn’t helpful.

Asking For Help Doesn’t Mean You’re Weak

When your best friend, or a close family member asks for help or let’s you know they’re struggling, what’s our response? We’re glad they’ve reached out and we’re happy to help!!

The flip side is when they hide their struggle, we’re usually mad at them and say something like “why didn’t you tell me sooner!?”

We tend to view this courage and vulnerability as admirable. Someone willing to share their struggle with us is brave. Yet when it’s us we think it’s a sign of weakness.

No one would argue that courage isn’t admirable. You simply cannot have courage with vulnerability, without stepping outside your comfort zone. It’s our ego that gets in the way and tells us we should be able to figure this out on our own. That’s one route, and it’s the longer, tougher way often with a lot of dead ends. The smart and brave thing is to ask for help and feedback, and who doesn’t want to be smart and brave?

Reward Strategy or Avoidant Strategy?

Yesterday we talked about other ways apart from a formal deliberate sit to begin building your mental health practice. Where’s the line drawn though between using something as your meditation and just living your life?

For a start, we don’t meditate to get better at meditating! We meditate basically as a controlled environment to check in with our thoughts and be aware of what our brain is doing all day. The more we practice the more we’ll notice our thoughts, feelings and just how present we are throughout our day to day lives.

When we’re more present we get to enjoy our activities more and be more productive as well. We’re not thinking about work while playing with our kid, or feeling guilty about the lack of family time while midway through a work meeting.

The next question to ask is what you’re doing a reward strategy or an avoidant strategy? If chilling on Instagram or watching Netflix is your reward at the end of the day, something you enjoy and have earned (your call) then it’s beneficial. If you’re instinctively mindlessly browsing your phone or binge watching in order to avoid feelings you don’t want to feel then it’s an avoidant strategy, and not helpful.

The key is in knowing, and being honest enough with yourself to ask the question and listening to the answer. You don’t have to feel guilty if you’ve been avoiding something, because once you understand your behaviour, you’re now free to change it.

Savouring - Amplify The Awesome

If you’re someone who struggles to do a “formal” meditation practice, there’s another way to add mindfulness into your daily life. Take an activity you do repeatedly that improves your mood and clear your head, and be deliberate about savouring it as you’re doing it.

This could be cleaning, exercising, painting, listening to music, or even watching your favourite show.

Savouring is pausing to fully experience and appreciate the moment as you’re doing it. It amplifies the awesomeness. Bringing a little bit more deliberate, conscious awareness to whatever you’re doing and enjoying and appreciating it is mindfulness in its essence.

Now for bonus points, whenever you’re finished with your mood boosting activity, try take 30-60 seconds before rushing into the next thing on your to do list. Congratulations! You’ve just improved your mindset and mental well-being!

Fighting Feelings, Beating Anxiety, Conquering Depression. - Why all these expressions aren’t helpful!

Whenever we resist our feelings, we actually give them more power over us and usually end up suffering more.

Fighting feelings, beating anxiety, conquering depression - all very tough adversarial phrases that conjure up our emotions as some enemy to be beaten on the battlefield. What this implies is that if our feelings get the best of us (or even if we just feel them intensely) it’s because we’re somehow weak and unable to fight them off.

This adds an element of shame on top of our anxiety, lack of motivation or general uneasiness. Shame keeps our feelings hidden, and they grow in the dark. So we’re less likely to be vulnerable with someone we can trust, take that act of courage and admit we need help or someone to talk to.

Feelings, while often unpleasant and sometimes overwhelming, are not to be fought. Whatever you resist grows in intensity. Feelings are signals that some need isn’t being met. If we co-opt them as signals for our benefit, we’re no longer suffering from them but working with them to make our lives better.

Yes, Feelings are Scary...

A lot of people ask me “how do I stop being anxious?” It’s really because feelings are scary. When they get too intense we come up with all sorts of ways to avoid them.

Anxiety is a natural part of life, and some degree of anxiety is healthy and helpful. Problems arise when we start telling ourselves a story about the anxiety. Our brains love finding threats, and it can feel sometimes that the feeling of anxiety is life threatening.

Really, the question is how do I stop anxiety controlling me? There are practical steps you can do to avoid or reduce the triggers, but I want to address the feeling of it.

During your mindful minute or clarity break, spend time sitting with the feeling instead of avoiding it. Note the direct experience of your body sensations. Where to you feel the anxiety in the body?

Starting off you may only by able to do this for 2-5 seconds before it’s overwhelming and that’s okay. Over time you’ll get more comfortable with the sensations and realise that while not pleasant, you can work with it, and it’s not life threatening. Once something is workable, it’s no longer in control of you.

Book a Free Call - https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512

Outdated Models

When we were kids everything was outside of our control. We relied on our parents or caretakers to make sense of the world, tell us how to behave and how to feel.

And when emotions got too intense for our little brains to handle them we came up with a mental strategy of not feeling. Which makes sense at the time because it’s just too much.

As adults, we never really update this way of looking at the world. When you ask most people, including yourself, what do they need to feel good, it usually comes down to something outside of us. “When the shutdown is lifted, THEN I’ll be okay.” “Once I get into my new house” “If only this person would behave the way I want them to.”

None of this is explicitly bad. It’s just the brain’s best way of making sense of the world. Once we’re aware of this mechanism we’re free to ask ourselves is this mental model useful now, or is it outdated?

Making our happiness and mental well being dependent on the outer world made sense when we were kids, and we had to act in line with what the outer world wanted from us. As adults this leaves us at the whims of chance and makes us powerless. The good news is bit by bit you can begin to update your mindset and make yourself the centre of your happiness.