Can Things Just Go Back To Normal?

Right now a lot of us are asking when things are going to go back to normal. It’s a normal part of the grieving process for the life we had pre-Coronavirus.

Here’s the thing - things aren’t going back to normal. Wishing for it or being angry about it won’t help bring it back either. The longer we spend lamenting the past the harder we make it on ourselves.

Accepting that things aren’t the way they were is tough, and right now might suck for you. You’re not denying that things were better if you accept things as they are now. What you are doing is putting yourself in a more useful frame of mind.

If we’re hoping things will go back to the way they were before we’re only going to be disappointed when the economy comes out of hibernation and things are different. What we can do is focus on mindset on the next phase, and how you want to shape it to maximise your productivity or happiness.

It’s Okay to Be Tired

It’s okay to be tired, it’s okay to be anxious, it’s okay to be stressed.

None of these things mean you’re in any way weak, a poor leader or a bad parent. They’re simply signals that your needs aren’t being met or the demands exceed your CURRENT capacity, and you need a rest or a change.

No one thinks taking a rest day after some intense exercise is crazy, or getting a good night’s sleep means you’re pathetic for not being able to stay awake twenty four seven!

Naming your emotions doesn’t give them power. In fact all the science says the opposite. By naming them we’re able to process them.

And asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s a sign of strength. No one says that self awareness is a weakness, and asking for help shows the self awareness and presence of mind that this would be better if you involved someone else.

It seems scary to acknowledge you’re struggling and need a helping hand, but all the reward is on the other side of sharing that vulnerability. You wouldn’t want your best friend to go through anything alone, so give yourself the gift of asking for help in the areas you need.

It’s Okay To Think

I remember when I started my meditation practice I used to get annoyed at myself if I couldn’t keep my focus on my breath. I wanted to be a good meditator, and to me that meant being able to stay focused on my breath for however long the meditation was.

Putting aside my unhealthy need to be a perfect meditator and not giving myself the grace to be a beginner, it eventually was explained to me that thinking and getting distracted were part of the meditation.

In fact, the most important moment was when you noticed you were thinking and returned your attention to the breath. Noticing your thoughts meant you were aware of your thoughts, so “failing” actually meant winning in meditation. Counting the breaths is a nice way to build your power of focus, but there’s no scoreboard in meditation.

More often than not now, when I take my mindful minute I don’t count my breaths, but instead step back and notice my thoughts. It’s okay to think. It’s okay if you’ve a million thoughts one day, one repetitive thought the next, and none the day after. Remembering this leads to a much more enjoyable meditative experience.

Look At A Horizon

Here’s a simple, practical tip that will help bring more calm into your life. And that’s to spend some time each day looking at a horizon.

When we’re stressed, we hyper focus on one point. It’s helpful to be able to focus a task when we absolutely need to, and it had an evolutionary advantage. But in modern life we spend an excessive amount of time focusing on something. Right now we’re looking on a relatively small screen watching/reading this.

So if our vision focuses when we’re stressed, to promote calm we can broaden our vision and look at a landscape or horizon. By looking at a horizon, or out onto the water, our brains reason that we’re safe. If there was any threats or predators we’d see them coming.

This is especially powerful in the evening, and it’s why looking at sunsets are so relaxing for us. If you do one thing this evening, look out at a horizon or just as far as you can, knowing that you’re helping your brain and body relax.

Under & Over Functioning

Under Functioning and Over Functioning are two ways we can respond to anxiety.

Over Functioning Anxiety is the person who kicks into action when stressed or anxious. They take control, make lists, and start doing.

This isn’t a problem as long as it’s not an avoidant strategy, whereby you’re distracting yourself from feeling or you’re so caught up in action you’re like a headless chicken and causing more harm than if you took some time to be still and plan.

Under Functioning is when we slow down or hide. The stimuli get too overwhelming and so we look to retreat so we can gather ourselves and work out a plan. Over Functioning is regarding higher in society than Under Functioning, as we value action over inaction. But in the same way it’s only a problem if it’s an unhealthy avoidant strategy.

Trying to avoid feeling is unhealthy for us. Knowing what are natural responses to anxiety and stress are important as then we can consciously chose whether we need to act right now or whether it’s best to pause and plan.

An interview I did with Jeff Jucha for "Fitness in Little Rock"

🤯Why The Coronavirus Quarantines are Messing with our Habits and Mental Health

🤦🏻‍♂️Two Big Mistakes People Make When Building New Habits

🙏🏻How to Make Gratitude & Abundance Mindset Thinking Work

😇Practical Steps You Can Do Today To Feel Better

Acceptance and Improvement

The most common objection I get to the idea of accepting things as they are is that if we accept everything as is, won’t we stop improving?

Acceptance and improvement are not either/or, they’re both/and. You can accept things as they are while wanting them to improve. You can accept yourself while also improving yourself.

Acceptance is the first step to treating life, and yourself, with fundamental kindness rather than fundamental aggression. Which in itself improves your mental health.

Acceptance also gives you a more accurate view of the world, rather than the narrative of what you think should be happening. This makes it easier to improve.

When you understand that you can accept things and yourself while simultaneously working out improve, you’ll find yourself a lot freer.

Removing Blame

Blame feels really good in the moment. It feels empowering. It’s nice to have something or someone to point the finger at and say “it’s all your fault”.

But because blame removes us of responsibility it also makes us the victim, and being the victim means we’re powerless. So while it might feel good for a little while, blame is empty calories for the mind.

When we blame, we’re saying our circumstances aren’t our fault. It’s a defence mechanism of the more child like parts of our brain. Blame is in the past, it’s focused on what has happened to get us to this point. The problem is that it invades the present and the future. We can convince ourselves that because it’s not our fault we’re in this situation, it’s not our responsibility to accept what’s going on now and work to improve our future.

Yep, blame feels good. It’s easy to do. The easy thing to do is not going to improve our lives though. The harder thing to do is to accept circumstances and responsibility for doing what you are empowered to do.

You may not succeed first time, or even at all, but by taking on responsibility and acting accordingly you’ve replaced powerlessness with self-pride.

Your Choice Has Been Taken Away

One reason why this situation is so hard for us is that a lot of our choices have been taken away from us.

Introverts, extroverts and ambiverts in general life all get to decide how much human contact they have and where to spend their time.

Now, very suddenly, that’s been taken away from us. So not only has our need for connection been hampered but our need for autonomy/freedom has as well.

My ask today is that you understand it’s normal if you’re not feeling so good, or get frustrated, upset, anxious, or depressed because of this. Very real human needs aren’t being met.

Understanding this allows you to grieve the loss of freedoms, which ultimately (not immediately) allows you to focus on the choices you do have. To quote Victor Franklin - “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

It’s okay to feel this

I don’t have a mental trick or mindset hack today. Instead I want to let you know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay to feel this.

If you’re sad, angry, frustrated, disheartened, it’s okay. And by the same token if you’re happy you have a break from work, or peaceful because you’re at home, that’s okay too.

Feelings are a signal, that’s all. And having them doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken. They’re just telling you something.

For “negative” feelings they’re generally telling you that you have an unmet need. We have a need for connection to other people, a need for purpose, and a need for a secure future. All these things are disrupted right now, so whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay to feel this.