Misfigured Life

I dunno how we've gone almost a year without talking about credit scores - so surprised that I had to check the episode list.  But, better late than never - it's time to fix that shitty credit of yours.

Having a non-shitty credit score is absolutely required in our society if you don't want to waste buckets of money and be wildly inconvenienced on a regular basis.  Companies these days actually assume you, the consumer, doesn't suck at life when advertising their products and offers. Anyone that doesn't meet that expectation will be incredibly embarrassed when they attempt to purchase or use those services and the company laughs them out of the building. Best case scenario, they'll do business with you but charge you a "Shitty Credit" surcharge, like an inflated "Security Deposit" for that apartment or your utility service - worst case scenario they just tell you to kick rocks.  It's a lot more than just buying cars and houses. 

Today we're gonna learn how credit actually works, what's causing your score to be so shitty, what factors are more important, how to manipulate your existing situation to maximize your score, and how to dig your way out of a shitty score and deal with those nagging collection agencies.

Welcome to - “How To Fix Your Credit”

Last episode we talked about shooting shit, so this episode we’ll cover the flipside - how to not die after getting shot.

This’ll be focused on how to fix yourself, as the odds of you having someone standing next to you to patch you up after getting shot aren’t great… But I’ll mention some steps that others could take to help you, and obviously you can do this shit to help someone else not die after getting shot too.

Today we’re gonna learn how to assess injuries, control bleeding, navigate a sucking chest wound, apply a tourniquet, deal with shock, and maybe take a nap without suffocating on your own blood and vomit. 

Welcome to - “How To Survive a Gunshot”

Since the world always feels one bad day away from devolving into a shitty post-apocalyptic wasteland, understanding guns and how to shoot them would probably be helpful.

Obviously you aren’t going to become a proficient sniper from listening to a single podcast episode, but I can provide most of the basic knowledge- you’ll just need to take it and implement it in regular practice.

Today we’re gonna learn how to buy a gun, how to not shoot yourself with it like an imbecile, how to utilize a scope, and how to shoot that gun.  

Welcome to - “How To Shoot A Gun”

I figure we all spend so much fuckin time at Taco Bell that most of us have forgotten how to not completely embarrass ourselves during any semi-respectable event.  

Maybe you’re interested in learning table manners, maybe you think it’s a buncha pointless shit reserved for slobs who take life too seriously.  In the end, if you like being successful in life you’ll need people to respect you, which won’t happen if you act like a classless jackass 100% of the time. It might be a meal at a fancy restaurant, an important work dinner, or perhaps you’re just trying not to humiliate your significant other by being a slob in front of their parents.  If your boss sees exceptional table manners, they’ll assume that attention to detail, regard for proper form, and pride in what you do will translate to the workplace.  I promise, if they perceive you as a slob, they will assume that also translates to the workplace - whether that's right or wrong..  So it’s your job to manipulate them into thinking you’re a better person than you really are.

Today we’re gonna learn how to navigate an invitation with class, arrive in good form, take cues from the host, use your cutlery appropriately, and how to generally interact with your food and companions like a professional. 

Welcome to - “How Have Table Manners”

It’s been a long break, but I’m back to insult your intelligence - hopefully every week without breaks for a good long while.

You’ve almost certainly heard of the clown-show that is the stock market these last few months, with all the reddit-based retail traders causing a ruckus… A buncha those people made a lot of money...  More people lost their ass.

You could continue just nodding and saying shit like “Yeah wow that’s crazy” when people talk about the stock market, or you could learn how the fuck it actually works and maybe invest some cash yourself.

Today, we’re gonna learn what the stock market is, what causes it to magically go up and down, how arbitrary and stupid it all is, how to trade stocks, what “Options” are, and then break down a few options strategies so you can lose your money faster.


Welcome to - “How To Trade Stocks”


For the record, I’m not a professional and this isn’t investment advice, so probably don’t do dumb shit then sue me because you’re an idiot and lost all your money.

 

Today we’re gonna get weird and convince a group of people to do irrational things.

Everyone has heard of groups of crazy people doing crazy things and following a crazy leader, but it never fully makes sense how anyone could possibly subscribe to the madness looking at them as an outsider.

Today we’re gonna create an obsession worthy cause, frame that cause as a source of answers and belonging, establish rules and an ethos, recruit and manipulate followers, evolve and pivot messaging as the group grows in size, monetize the organization, and continue expansion.

Welcome to - “How To Start A Cult" 

Oil is like your car’s blood - if there’s not enough of it, or if there’s something wrong with it - your car will die. 

Your engine is basically just a shit-ton of metal pieces strapped together that are shoved around by controlled explosions. This creates a ridiculous amount of heat and friction.  This heat and friction will wear down the metal pieces until they break, heat them to the point where they warp in shape which causes them to break, or heat them so goddamn much that they actually weld themselves together - preventing any of the parts from moving ever again. 

That’s where Motor Oil steps in.  By sufficiently lubricating this metal, the friction is reduced, and less friction equals less heat. 

If you don’t have enough oil - more friction.  If your oil is old it simply won’t lubricate as well as it should - more friction.  If your oil is old enough, your filter will eventually be clogged by debris  that naturally builds up, and the dirty oil will automatically bypass it through a relief valve, no longer being filtered.  Dirty thick oil is abrasive, causing more friction.

This is why your warranty becomes voided if you don’t change your oil - skipping an oil change can cause permanent irreversible damage to the most expensive piece of your vehicle - the engine, costing you thousands of dollars.

Today we’ll learn how to drain the oil, replace the filter, add new oil, and dispose of the old oil. It’s not rocket science, but it’s cheaper than paying someone else to do it.  Side perk, whether you’re a chick or a dude - changing your own oil will almost certainly impress that person you’re trying to impress, given almost nobody who grew up in a city knows how anymore.

Welcome to - “How To Change Your Oil”

If you’re under 40 years old, you’re a Millennial by most standards. 

If you’re a Millennial, there’s about a 50% chance you own a home, according to the most recent census data.

Also if you’re a Millennial, there’s about a 60% chance that you regret buying that home, according to a large poll by Bankrate.com.

One of the main reasons you regret buying that home? Not understanding the ongoing maintenance responsibilities and associated costs.

Almost nobody I’ve met in my age bracket or below could properly tell you how to maintain a home.

The problem with maintaining a home, like filing taxes, is that it’s inexplicably not taught in our public education system. Homes don’t typically come with user manuals. And if you maintain your home based on the same advice your dad’s dad shit out back in 1946, it’s probably hit-or-miss. It’s an issue.

Today we’ll learn what needs maintenance in your home, how to check it, when to check it, and why.

Welcome to - “How To Maintain a Home”

Bitcoin, or “Cryptocurrency”, is one of those things that almost everyone has heard of, but almost nobody actually understands. A survey was done a few years ago and only 6% of respondents said they were familiar with how it works. 

That means that, statistically speaking, you have no fucking idea how this thing works that you probably hear about on a semi-regular basis, and that just won’t do.

Cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, and the underlying “Blockchain” technology that drives them, is already integrating into our lives, and will unquestionably impact our lives in the future - because the applications for the technology go far beyond things like “Bitcoin”. Probably get ahead of the curve and figure out how it works today.

Today we’ll learn exactly what Cryptocurrency is, how it works, what “Mining” it means, why there are many different types, how to buy it, how to store it, how to use it, and how to not lose it.

Welcome to - “How To Buy Bitcoin”

I wanted to get one up to prepare you for “Health Insurance Open Enrollment” season that’s right around the corner.

Every year a lot of people just kinda guess what health insurance to go with, or maybe just pick the cheapest option. Your employer will almost always recommend the cheaper option, as they share the cost and it’s cheaper for them. That doesn’t mean that the cheaper option isn’t your best option, it’s just important to remember that there’s more factors than the “Total Annual Cost” calculator they’ll usually provide you.

Today we’ll explain how to sift through all your garbage options to find a balance between cost-efficiency and convenience. Side perk - some of these concepts can be applied to other types of insurance, so you might be able to walk away from this less dumb in more ways than one.

Welcome to - “How To Choose Health Insurance”