Monster Crush

We at Monster Crush want to celebrate Mother’s Day in the only way we know how… by making it about smooching monsters. So if you have mommy energy (however you personally define that), we want to wish you a special day full of whatever monsters you love best. But for us, we had to feature a monstrous mother of other monsters coming straight from Greek myth with the monster matriarch, the Echidna! So strap in and strap on for a serpentine seductress that will make you say “yes, mommy”.

Featuring: Strong Mommy Energy, is LD ‘Mother’?, shoutout Derek’s mom, if you email us weird things - we will email you weird things back, monster moms in pop culture, Spooky News - NASA Chief Flight Surgeon sees an American UFO, research on a potential UFO sphere, Joe Nickell and a legacy of skepticism - echidna but the cute animal, a CatDog of a monster, so so many monster offspring, Typhon’s really nice couch, clean your all-purpose holes, AND MORE!

CW: Mythological dismemberment (16:40-17:00), brief mention of mythological incest - i.e. Theseus (49:50-50:00)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Does love have you stumped? Always branching out but your date always leaves? Well we get to the root of the problem this week with our lumbering singletons! No more barking up the wrong tree with two loveable cryptobotanical selections to really shiver your timbers! It’s two green-thumbs up for the Ya-Te-Veo and The Man-Eating Madagascar Tree! Plus a special appearance from The Cow-Eating Tree!

Featuring: A new game of Nessie Knockoffs, a return to LD’s Smut Corner, a 1 minute recap of M. Night Shamalayan’s The Happening, the cow-eating tree eats… cows, trees with eyes, some pretty messed up depictions of indigenous people thanks to white colonists, treacly fluid, just so many tree puns, AND MORE!

CW: mentions of suicide and self-harm (28:30-29:00), harm to animals (31:00-32:00), colonial depictions of indigenous people throughout the second half, sacrificial murder & sexual hedonism (42:30-44:30)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

EPISODE 100 IS HERE! I can’t believe we actually made it to 100 episodes! And speaking of things that are hard to believe, is there a monster lurking in the depths of Loch Ness? Yes… at least we want the answer to be yes because we LOVE NESSIE! So strap in and strap on for Derek’s first monster love with The Loch Ness Monster! Also, a special thank you to all of you who have joined us on this wonderful monster ride and a very special thank you to Heaven-Leigh and Ellie for starting this amazing project for all of us to enjoy!

Featuring: Do invisible monsters *eject* invisible fluids?, Spooky News: Forbidden Designer Dogs - judging baby names, Checkov’s panties (if they go on in the first act, they come off by the third), top cryptids list, her humps - her lovely Nessie humps, pulling a Gandalf, Nessie needs to get out of the road, hoaxes.. so many hoaxes, Nessie aka Sandy or Archibald, King Kong, new photos of Nessie, pay for us to go to Scotland, Mr. Crowley, Catfished by Nessie, AND MORE!

CW: Mention of fictional SA (6:45 - 7:00), genetic manipulation (4:30 - 15:30), Catholicism (28:45 - 31:30), drowning/underwater monster attack (29:40 - 31:30), suicide/tragedy (1:01 - 1:02)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

99 EPISODES! We wanted to celebrate getting this far with something big, so we chose dinosaurs! This episode we bring you two classic dino cryptids with LD choosing to learn about the Kasai Rex! This theropod dinosaur supposedly hunts the waterways of the Congo, and not only does it eat large animals like rhinos… but maybe people too. It’s welcome to eat us any time though as we go big or go home with this sharp-toothed scale-friend!

Featuring: LD’s favorite dinosaur that isn’t a dinosaur, this is a theme-song-heavy episode, a prehistoric game returns with Dino Yes or No (play along at home!), LD’s Smut Corner, possessive werepenguins, Spooky News - Antarctic crimes, The 300 Club, mysteries below the pyramids, pictures of lizards don’t count as pictures of dinosaurs, how do you find a severed hand in “good” condition, the hunter becomes the hunted, hippopotamus = lake cow bacon, a new segment: What That Downstairs Doing?, AND MORE!

CW: news of physical assault, accusations of SA, and mental health distress in isolated scenarios (35:30-40:00), stories of poachers/big game hunters as well as descriptions of animals and people killed by predators (45:00-1:10)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We jump right back into the deep end with Part 2 of IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS! This episode we bring you the GOO Conference (Great Old Ones) with an all new list of eldritch horrors and hard-to-pronounce names. So get your brackets ready and strap in and strap on for Tsathoggua, Idh-Yaa, Y’Golonac, Glaaki, Boat Z’uqqa-Mogg, Ithaqua, Gobogeg, Sfatlicllp, and the ultimate champion of this year’s Salty 16 Single Smooch Elimination Bracket!

Featuring: A mini Spooky News - watch politicians talk about aliens in a new doc… I guess - The Great Old One (GOO) Conference, eldritch tiddies are back, Derek predictably struggles with eldritch pronunciations, A big girthy frog with a queer tongue, what if Lovecraft wrote the musical Cats, an underground brain-dick, Kevin: the greatest eldritch horror, eepy and hungy is weirdly attractive, and the WINNER of our In the March of Madness bracket!

CW: Modern US politicians mentioned (5:00-8:15), allusion to SA (26:00-26:30, 38:50-39:30), Body Horror (27:50-28:15), Mention of the Algonquin monster We****o as an alternative name for an eldritch being (36:30-43:00) 

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It’s that time again! Continuing from last year we once again bring you IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS, our very own monster-smooching bracket of Lovecraftian and eldritch beings. So strap in and strap on for SIXTEEN SALTY beings of unknowable horror and tentacles as we complete a single-elimination bracket broken into two conferences. This episode we tackle the BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) Conference with Yibb-Tstll, Gnoph-Keh, Magnum Innomunandum, Mh’Ithrha, the Mi-Go, the Nightgaunts, Cthulhu, and Ubbo-Sathla!

Featuring: LD’s Monster Smut Corner - Caged Romances - Spooky News: Legalize Bigfoot, DOGE hates researching aliens, Pokémon Day - IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS SALTY SIXTEEN SINGLE SMOOCH ELIMINATION: BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) CONFERENCE: eldritch tiddies, nameless mists, Lovecraft’s childhood nightmares, AND MORE!

CW: Modern US politics (21:30-29:45)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Monster Crush! We celebrate Monster Love every single day but it feels especially important on this corporatized, pre-assigned day of affection. So this time we bring you a couple of monsters to make your heart skip a beat… as they rip it from your chest. Yes, far from content with heart-shaped boxes of candy, these monsters prefer hearts with more gooshy filling. So please enjoy the Danish fell-knight, the Valraven and the Korean 9-tailed fox of cunning evil, the Kumiho!

Featuring: Do we talk about actual Monster F***ing enough? - We restate our mission and boundaries - Spooky News: Ghost Earthquakes - Saxsquatch: musician and hero - Why does the heart symbol not look like an actual heart? -  Roman’s sexed a plant to extinction - king hearts are like raven Taco Bell - bury your dead or else - Valraven has Pokemon evolutions - we support women’s wrongs - the best way to ruin a wedding: look like the bride and get naked - And More!

CW: Consumption of humans - specifically hearts (throughout), train-accident related death (12:40-12:50), child death (41:35-43:00)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Monster Crush is back! After our holiday hiatus, we are energized and ready for even more monster smooches. And in this new year and month of love, we decide to give a second chance to some of our previously unchosen singletons. So strap in and strap on this week for a second chance for the J'ba Fofi, a massive spider cryptid from the Congo! And I did say SPIDER so if that's not your thing, skip the second half of this episode, I mean it.

Featuring: We’re Back! - Spooky News: Project Immaculate Constellation, Alien eggs, Supernatural (the show) hot takes, Bribe aliens to get rid of Ohio, Gem City Vampires - Shoutout to Shadow - Where do the ghosts go when the walls are gone? - Just so many spiders - Timothy the sink spider - Creationists also love cryptids - Canada is weird -   How to smooch without lips - And more!

CW: mentions of Christianity in military and politics (11:10-11:20), loud noise (36:20), a whole lot of spiders (40:00-it never ends), implied dog death (52:25-52:30), creationist Christianity (53:20-1:00:40)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Holidays and, more importantly, Gruss Vom Krampus from all of us at Monster Crush! We finally did it! We released a holiday episode and finally got around to covering the Christmas Devil himself, the one and only KRAMPUS! And it’s no secret that this horny holiday hellion is a smash but you may learn things about this cloven Christmas creature that you didn’t know before. So strap in and strap on for a slay ride unlike any before as Monster Crush looks for the perfect monster to climb down our chimneys and stuff our stockings just right.

Featuring: a Monster Crush Carol, LD is a good girl, holiday traditions - local and worldwide, two songs about logs, Saint Nick: The Saint of EVERYTHING, resurrection of some pickle kids, Flossy & Glossy the reindeer, a bunch of Krampus-kopy-kats, “Krampus is an evil man”, JK Simmons can get it, we love a consensual switching, AND MORE!

CW: mentions of christianity and religious holidays throughout, brief mentions of alcohol consumption throughout, general mentions of child punishment/corporal punishment of children throughout, family members being forced into sex work in a religious story (30:15-30:45),  child death and attempted cannibalism in a religious story (31:15-31:45), blackface in European holiday practices (39:30-40:50)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We all love to play with toys but can you love a toy that plays with you? What about a toy that has intense, possibly malicious, paranormal energy attached to it? If you said yes, then do I have the date for you! This episode LD entertains two of the most notorious haunted dolls around with Robert the Doll and the infamous Annabelle! With these spirit-laden dolls, it’s important to remember the key rules for any romantic endeavor: safety first, consent is crucial, and make sure to clean your toys when you’re done.

Featuring: What was your favorite childhood Christmas gift - the gift of unmatched socks - Shoutout to LD’s sister for predicting this episode - LD’s personal experience with haunted dolls - Haunted Dolls can be a bummer - Letta Me Out! The Doll - don’t scapegoat your dolls - letters to Robert - we aren’t superstitious but we are a little stitious - salute your Captain Crunch - Annabelle isn’t as scary as you think - Raggedy Anne is into choking - zoning laws are scarier than demons - our version of Haunted Doll Watch - has this whole episode been about sex toys? - AND MORE!

CW: mention of child death in relation to haunted dolls (16:00-19:00, 42:00-42:30), vehicular accident/death (50:00-51:00)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.