Monster Crush

People are seeing something in the warmer parts of the ocean. Unlike any other sea serpent, this singleton is segmented, lined with flippers, and will give you whatever head you want it to. It’s the Con Rit, a potentially creepy crawly cryptid that lurks in the waters of Vietnam and, if all of the slightly connected sightings can be believed, lots of other places too! But with so many options for hand/flipper-holding, will LD find love?

Featuring: How many legs is too many legs, A NEW GAME: Celebrity Cryptids, background kitten howling, flippers is legs, “lengthed”, if it stinks then throw it back, definition of a ‘Globster’, pick your own kind of head, love a fella with sheet metal siding, Montauk Monster mentions, hairy nostrils, you have to speculate and extrapolate to love monsters, and it’s ok to say no

CW: SPIDERS AND INSECTS throughout, brief mention of alcohol (18:50 - 19:00), mentions of animal remains from the ocean throughout, mentions of colonization, brief alluding to animal experimentation

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Daddy’s Day! To celebrate all those monster lovers who appreciate some good daddy energy, we bring you the Greek Mythological Father of All Monsters: TYPHON! This hundred-headed, serpentine titan is ancient, virile, and looking for love… and also the devastation of the Olympians. But maybe LD can soothe his volcanic spirit and show a little modern TLC to this Ancient Greek BBEG.

Featuring: What makes a “Daddy”, a lot of Mommy Monsters, Grendel’s Mom Has Got It Going On, Happy All-Fathers Day to Loki, Spooky News: The UK is running out of ghosts, Stormy Daniels can speak with the dead, Mothman’s butt becomes a bank - just so many heads and so many snakes, having babies out of spite, when I grow up I want to be a “mythographer”, all the monster kids, gods in disguise, a lot of monster dads end up under mountains, and more!

CW: Discussions of real-world religions, brief mention of recent politics and presidential candidate legal troubles, mythological cannibalism and mutilation

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Monster Crush returns with a Heavy Hitter episode! It’s time for Derek to admit that he was wrong as we entertain the surprisingly complex world of the Jackalope and it’s many horned relatives! So get ready for things to get horny and harey (as in the animal, it’s not a typo) as we discuss the ancient history of lepines with nice racks, the rogue taxidermy that continued the legend, and the real virus that may have inspired it all. Once accepted by science, later resigned to be a hoax, we bring you the Jackalope (or Antelabbit), Almiraj, Lepus Cornutus, Rasselbock, Skvader, and Wolpertinger!

Featuring: What is your second favorite animal, Cat noises, Derek’s many boxes, Jackalopes are tenors, mail-order taxidermy school, the fun kind of hoax, everyone loves Wall Drugs, legalize the Jackalope, horned hares all the way down, the Jackalope was not the first horny hare, unicorn bunnies, flying bunnies, horned flying bunnies, and more! 

CW: Taxidermy, Hunting for Sport, Viruses/Mentions of Herpes/Animal Body Horror (53:50 - 56:45)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network (beacons.ai/swordandkey). Support our campaign for Trans Lifeline through any of our streams on twitch.tv/sword_and_key or on our socials.

Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

EPISODE 79: IS THAT A LIGHTSABER IN YOUR POCKETIT IS A TIME OF MONSTER SMOOCHING IN THE GALAXY…Ok, enough caps lock, this won’t scroll anyway. Happy Star Wars Day! In honor of one of the greatest epic space operas, we bring you our very first Monster Crush Star Wars episode! So feel free to get a little cocky, have a good feeling about this, and feel the love flowing through you as we search for love in less than 12 parsecs. Featuring a monster from each of the main Star Wars trilogies: the Acklay, the Rancor, and the Rathtar. May the Force be with you!

Featuring: Our journey with Star Wars (and possibly Christ), Star Wars - Star Trek - StFarscape, what is your lightsaber color, some inevitable hot takes, Star Wars edition of Smooch/Mate/Slay, the wildest alien species: birds, Derek gets on his soapbox about pitbulls (the dog, not Mr. Worldwide), the rancor handler is the best actor in the series, we don’t talk about the Trillian Massacre, "Hello There"

CW: Brief mention of TERF fantasy writer, mention of fictional creature death, mentions of being eaten alive and monstrous carnivorous practices

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Hear that sound out there in the dark woods? Well pull up a log to the fire and we’ll tell you all about those things that lurk out there in the dark… and how cute they are! This episode we explore FEARSOME CRITTERS and don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of. I mean, so what if they probably all are made up tall tales, these Critters are lurking for love and you might just be the one to give it to them. So get ready for the jointless Hugag and the projectile-prone Agropelter! Strap in and strap on!Featuring: What is a Fearsome Critter?, consent is sexy and important (especially for critters),  storytime with Wily Jeff, “pantographic”, – Spooky News: vampire/ghost/pink marshmallows, space dinosaurs and glowing fungus, NASA vs. Nessie, – like a horse but wrong, BIG OLE KITTLESON, arms like a literal cannon, Sweet Caroline/Agropelter, are your legs named “tall tales” because I’m trying to spread them    

CW: Brief Description of Rock Slides 16:20-17:15, True Crime (murder) 20:10-23:30, Implied dismemberment 50:45-51:45

In the March of Madness is back with PART TWO - THE WESTERN CONFERENCE (not that the cardinal direction has any meaning here). We are back with even more eldritch horrors to drive you to the very brink of madness... in a sexy way? Get ready the final rounds of our Salty 17-single-elimination-smiooch bracket featuring more tentacles and mouths than you can literally imagine. So strap in and strap on because we're going even deeper on this one.

Featuring: Eastern Conference recap, Daggy Dagon, Lovecraft is still trash, Spooky News!, Mothman’s new ink, 10 feet on ground/30 feet in air, THE WESTERN CONFERENCE, Late Night with Conan The Barbarian, Don’t mess with snakes, The King in Yellow is a Man of Mystery, Instant mummy, Twilight “toys”, “Six-legged polar bear with a narwhal horn”, even cosmic horrors gossip, The toughest decision LD has ever had to make    

CW: Tentacles (general Lovecraftian theme), implied non-consent (general Lovecraftian theme), madness/mental illness as a general “eldritch” concept, real world tragedy (i.e. Bridge Collapse) at 17:00-17:33, Mention of suicide/gun violence 19:45-21:26, Mentions of ill/infirm loved ones 20:00-21:00, Implied harm to animals 27:30-28:00, living mummification/paralysis 43:00-45:00

In the spirit of March Madness we give you a showdown between some of the most madness-inducing monsters ever imagined. Get ready for In The March of Madness, a 17-monster single-elimination bracket featuring some of the most notable eldritch horrors of Lovecraftian fiction. We get really deep with these old ones as we narrow down who is the most smoochable cosmic horror.

Featuring: Lovecraft is a piece of **** but his monsters are neat, the worst name for a cat, THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, big fish vs. flaccid volcano, galaxy-sized mass of swirling tentacles vs. flappy slug that controls dolphins, plus some major upsets and so much more!

CW: the racism, xenophobia, misogyny, and otherwise ultra-conservatism of H.P. Lovecraft, discussions of "madness" outside of mental health definitions, mention of SA, occultism

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

WaHOOO Happy Mario Day! Or rather Happy March 10 (MAR10)! To celebrate we pulled inspiration from everyone’s favorite plumber/shell-stomper to present two monsters from the real-world. So make sure you have extra lives and get ready for The Tanuki and the Kayeri!. The Tanuki is a yokai from Japanese folklore and mythology which presents as a shapeshifting racoon dog with a massive set of… attributes. Meanwhile the Kayeri are giant mushroom monsters Cuiba people of Colombia and Venezuela. Will LD find love with these monsters? Listen to find out! 

Featuring: Our first Mario games, who we main in Mario Kart and what that says about us, some Mario facts and history, we are not a video game podcast, the most useful balls in monsterdom, prankster yokai, playground songs about monster scrotums, super strong fungi, mushrooms will take your daughters and your cows, and what if the balls are… too big?

CW: A LOT of genital talk in this one, mentions of trickery/deception/gaslighting, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of damage to internal organs/death

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Take the jump with us into a whole new series of dates! For this Leap Year Derek presents LD with two monsters who use jumping as their primary means of motion. So hop on in, strap on, and strap in for the Pérák, the Spring Man of Prague, and the Jiangshi, the hopping vampires of China. Also, get ready for some Spooky News that also weirdly features a jumping monster and just so much more. 

Featuring: Jumping as the best method of movement, happy Leap Year to all the “Bisextiles”, Leap Year traditions, Leap Year Monsters that will break your heart, Spooky News!, Japanese chode snakes will boost the economy, The Spring Man is the Czech Captain America, Hopping for Qi, unkillable monsters with way too many weaknesses, recognizing red flags, and MORE.

CW: Mentions of attacks, mentions of sexual assault, discussions of WWII, discussions of war, discussions of death/corpses

Happy New Year… again! That is, Happy Lunar New Year and according to the Chinese zodiac it is the year of the Wood Dragon! So 28 episodes after first mentioning them, we are finally giving Chinese Dragons their own episode. Join us as we delve into the millennia of tradition and culture that have shaped the various types of Chinese Dragons and be patient with Derek as he does his damn best to pronounce Chinese words.

Featuring: The caffeine that powers Monster Crush, Happy Lunar New Year, LD & Derek’s Chinese Zodiac signs, Snek, A LOT of nines and other numbers, clam bellies, dragons are camel/bull/rabbit/stag/snake/clam/carp/tiger/eagles, so many Chinese dragons, even more Chinese dragons, no jokes about Longwang, lethal fashion, dragons are EVERYWHERE… so are dinosaurs?, Phoenix yes/Tiger no

CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Storms/Dangerous weather phenomena

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.