Monster Crush

Get ready for a little playful biting as Derek is joined by a special guest, The Lady Dame (LD)! LD lends her lovely voice to the show for a special episode of exploring all things lycanthrope through the lore of Dungeons & Dragons. There's blood and hair in weird places so you know it will be a good time!

Warning, this podcast contains discussions of body horror, arachnophobia, real and fictional diseases, and violence.

Featuring: Werebeast Etymology; Smokey the Werebear; Rats Human Hands; Weredogs: The Lawful Good Boys; Antonio Banderas Weretigers; Undying love for Werewolves.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

There are a lot of them, they're fast-moving, and maybe the politest love interests we've ever had?? This week, the Tuscumbia Space Penguins set their sights on our grassy mounds! Insert another sexual innuendo here! Aliens!

Featuring: Spooky News; Don’t Check the Weather; Milk Princess; Nice Guy (Derogatory); Kangaroo Leather; Geena Davis; Bloopers.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Is not a cryptid by any other name just as smoochable? This week we explore our romantic options with two objectively silly named cryptids, The Old Saybrook Blockheads and The Sandown Clown. We also discuss THE WORST CRYPTID NAME EVER, a name I will not type in these show notes. Strap in and strap on!

Featuring: Is Your Sister HOT?, Spooky News, Objectively Bad Names, Ugly Aliens, Thing Facts, The National Poo Museum, Sounds Humans Love, Origins of "Hello", Big Bimbo-Energy Clowns, and The Irresistable Erotics of Close-up Magic

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

This week we head to Papua New Geninue in search of God's little miracle the Ropen, a not-dinosaur that was consciously curated to eat fish, rob graves, and act as the best nightlight around. Take that, Devil!

(PS: I tried to build an audio cave out of cardboard boxes I stole from my hot neighbor's recycling and it messed up my audio really bad, sorry!)

Featuring: Sorry Dad!; Dino Yes or No; Grave Robbing; Devil Pranks; Cryptids for Christ; Banana for (Radioactivity) Scale.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Brrr, what's that? It's a b-b-blast from the past with our first ever FROM THE VAULT episode. We recorded this episode almost two years ago to the day and immediately blacked out, we don't remember a thing. Recently resurfaced, we've blown off the dust and present this gently used episode for your enjoyment. Blast the AC, bundle up, and don't forget your snow goggles, we're finding love below zero (degrees Fahrenheit).

Featuring: Lite Blood Magick; (OG) Spooky News!; Gay Fishes; Tickle Fight (To The Death); Sexy Suffrage; Ghost Child Custody; Hostile Arby’s.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Bigger, badder, bossier. Bowser may rule with an iron fist, but at least he has a kingdom. This week's boss babe isn't interested in anything except the total destruction of Hyrule. Uh-oh – red flag alert! (His beige flag is that he's a redhead.)

Featuring: Spooky News!; Ice Planet Barbarians; F**k Scott Fitzgerald; Sex Pollen; Bitter, Old Witches; Tears of the Kingdom Spoilers; Holy Rain; Competitive Dates.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

We talk about a lot of serious, real monsters on this show – like real, actual Bigfoot, and actually real Mothman. For this episode, we thought it would be fun to talk about totally fake monsters that don't actually exist (not typical of our show at all!). And these bachelors aren't just basic bad guys, they are Boss Bad Guys, Boss Hotties, Boss Babes. Digging deep into video game lore, Derek presents two of the badest bosses around: Bowser and Ganon(dorf).

Featuring: That’s a Monster Fucker; Mushroom Man Meat; Crab, Dragon, Furry; BDG; Secret Vore; Bowser Propaganda.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

This week prepare to get hot, humid, and spelunked! We explore all the nooks and crannies of the world's stinkiest cave for a genuinely bulletproof love.

Warning: this episode contains sensitive topics such as xenophobia, war, and antisemitic conspiracy theories. Featuring: U.S. of (Mothman’s) Ass; Midnight (m)Ass; Sharks; Spooky News!; Weird Poop; Hellish Hissing; Outside Cloud Inside; Biblical Scapegoat; Shoutout Derek’s Mom; Bloopers.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

This week we go deep diving for love. You know him, you fear him, you may have built a home on him thinking he was a set of islands (it happens to the best of us) – it's time to unleash the Kracken!

Warning: this episode contains sensitive topics such as death and necrophilia. Featuring: Alien’s Conspiracy Theories; News of the World: Bowser x Luigi; The Scent of a Christian; Movie Twists; Minestrone Soup of Monsters; Deleted "Hamilton" Numbers; Straight Shittin'.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

That monster under your bed keeps you up at night with its rancid vibes and bad takes, but it can make you laugh like no one else. A werewolf keeps showing up at your work and demanding to speak to your manager, and you can't help but notice they are kind of cute. That's not your enemy; that's your enemy to lover! Seething disdain and tension so thick you could choke on it can only be a good boon for your future relationship.

CW: implied homophobia, stalking, incest, twilight, nuclear weapons. Featuring: a brief lesson in media literacy; "You" spoilers; Spooky News!; New Kink Alert!; fanfic watch; the Kennedy’s strike again; Ben Franklin; a lot of sound effects

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.