Mr Vertical Line

If there’s one thing that has become very clear throughout this season, it is this:

Max Michael Clendaniel is “King Guest-Getter”. He has provided 90% of our guests throughout the 26 episodes. They have all been incredible story-tellers and supper funny. We even met Max’s Mum, who blessed us with us with a load of fascinating stories about her amazing career, and also about two famous dick-heads called Nick.

So it’s bearing this in mind, that I announce our that this will LAST show of the (worst f*cking) year (ever). So what better way to round of the year, than to rely, once again on Max brining the guest. It would almost be rude if it was any other way at this point right? Why fight it?

This week, we met……..Max’s Step-Dad: Michelan Sisti (Aka Michael).

Michael has had a long & successful career as an actor, which we only really  scratched the surface of in this episode. But there is one area of Michael’s career which I would like to casually bring your attention to now:.    

MICHAEL PLAYED A FREAKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE!!! MICHAEL PLAYED MICHELANGELO IN THE NINJA TURTLES MOVIES!!! MICHAEL WAS A FREAKING TURTLE!! MICHAEL WAS TURTLE!!!!! MICHAEL TURTLE!!! TURTLE!!!

Are we clear??!! NO?? One more time then:

Michelan Sisti played the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle called Michaelango in the 1990’s movies that Jim Henson made.

That should literally be all you need to stop reading this nonsense, and listen to the episode where Ivan Samuel Berry, and Kevin Gary Phillips met the chap who played the coolest character, in the coolest film from our youth. 

Oh, and Michael was also involved in the Muppets too….which is super cool too!

But still……

Turtle.

This week, Kevin Gary Phillips brought the question. It was basically:

"Do you have a story about a time a first impression you had of someone turned out to be VERY wrong ? And if so, tell us, and make sure it will make us laugh!". 

We all had a story, and we all made each other laugh. 

This episode is divided into 3 chapters:

1) Wade

2) The Amazing Johnny

3) Brandon

If the three guys central to our stories ever got together in a small room, I honestly think they would combine forces and become the shittest Transformer-style baddie ever!

Have a listen and enjoy the fact you've never met Optim-Arse-Prime!

Max Michael Clendaniel brought the question this week. It was a good one. Essentially: 
"Do you have an interesting story attached to a significant event?".

Then Max answered his question by telling a great story about a super-awkward moment that occurred while he was filming at the 2017 Oscars.

Our guest, Johanna Botta, then answered the question with a super-interesting story involving a super awkward experience while she attended the VMAs.

Ivan Samuel Berry then answered the question with a super-fascinating story of the time he managed to get an exclusive interview with Childish Gamino.

Then Kevin Gary Phillips said some words. They weren't as good as the other three. Something about a YouTube video he saw once...I don't know. It wasn't great. 

Anyway, In this episode, Max introduced Ivan and Kevin to his friend Johanna Botta. Johanna was one of the cast members on the reality TV show "The Real World Austin". If you don't know what the real world is, it was basically the one of the first ever HUGE reality TV shows in America. I'm talking before Keeping Up With The Kardashians, The Osbournes, TOWIE, I'm A Celebrity, and even Big Brother. Johanna gives us a little peek into what it was like being a young twenty something reality star back when it was a complete surprise to become famous after one of these shows.
Super interesting episode, and I must insist that you listen to it and enjoy...

I SAID ENJOY!!!! 

This episode is all about admitting some things we did in our past that we are not proud of.

"But K-Dowg, you big ole' sexy pirate, isn't that pretty-much every episode?" I hear you ask.

And to that I say: True, but there's one key difference this week. There is absolutely no mention of poo or poo-related disasters!.... I know, mental.
But it doesn't stop there. There's another big and novel event that takes place:

We finally did it!! Kevin Gary Phillips and Max Michael Clendaniel were finally able to get a story out of Ivan Samuel Berry that makes him sound just as flawed as them. Ivan managed to dig deep and reveal something he did once which was...….well....a little bit naaaaaaughty (what a piece of sh*t). 

Then, Max dusts off the next volume of his life-story chronicles, and tells one of the most awkward and frankly terrifying Airbnb stories I've ever heard (except for the other Airbnb story Max told on episode 9). It's a genuinely amazing and hilarious account of Max's now
life-long nemesis:  Katalin.

Finally, it must be said, Max used to be a complete nutcase as a young child and I'm really happy I never knew him back then. If I did, I genuinely might be dead by now. 

Kevin Gary Phillips is an idiot. It's not because he didn't do very well in school; apparently Einstein didn't do very well either, and people say he was a bit of a clever clogs. I mean, he doesn't have his own podcast, but he did split the atom..whatever that means. Also, if he "split" an atom, doesn't that mean he broke it? Like, if I gave him an atom to look after, and it came back to me all split and whatnot, I'd be like

"What the f*ck Albert, you split my atom?!! You're buying me a new atom Albert!"

Anyway, if Albert Einstein did run his own podcast, you can bet he would remember to tell his guests to wear headphones so that the recording wasn't ruined. Kevin Gary Phillips did forget to tell his guest Miranda Louise Parry this simple instruction, which means means the audio recorded on this first attempt was rendered completely useless....because, like I said, Kevin Gary Phillips is an idiot. 

The silver lining to this mistake is that we all got to hear Miranda's amazing stories for a second time. 

I could give some clues as to what this episode entails, but I honestly think it is better for everyone If I don’t give away too much. I will say this: there is a reason this episode is the longest we've ever recorded; there are A LOT of funny stories told. Miranda is an incredible and hilarious story teller, and we WILL be having her back on the podcast!

Miranda is also a very talented photographer, and you can check her work out on:

Instagram: @mirandampp

www.mirandaparry.com

Emma Sarah Nicolet and Ivan Samuel Berry worked together on the Heart Four Counties’ Breakfast show. I used to tune in often and listen to the friendly banter between the two of them. There was plenty of music on the show too; Music from artists such as Pink….and others...But mainly Pink. 

There were certain restrictions on the show in terms of what you were and weren’t allowed to say; it was a morning radio show after all. Thankfully though, those restrictions don’t exist on our podcast, so you get to hear an unrestricted and hilarious story involving Emma, Tenerife, a moped, and some gravel.

Plus, it turns out that in one evening, Emma was able to fulfil her A-list celebrity meeting quota pretty successfully.

Also, if you had to choose one film to erase from our history and memories forever, would it be:

a) The Holiday?*

or

b) Love Actually?*

*If your answer is anything other than “A”, I will summon the spirit of Jenkins; the pencil-moustached, sombrero hat-wearing demon who will visit your home once a year and make you dance your hardest until the sun comes up!!!!!

“Heart Breakfast With Ivan and Emma….THIS IS HEART!”

You can check Emma out on:

Instagram: @emma_nicolet

I first met Max Michael Clendaniel's mum about 2 years ago in Dorking. 
It was a Monday evening and following a pub quiz, Max, Malcolm Richard Badewitz (from episode 6), and Kevin Gary Phillips all walked back to Ivan Samuel Berry's house. We then all sat on Ivan's marital bed with Ivan's wife Laura (they didn’t have downstairs sofa at this point) and watched a documentary Max created called "The Unknown Masterpiece".  It was in this amazing documentary, that we, for the first time, met Nancy Joyce Clendaniel. Well I say "met", it was more of a one-way feature-length introduction into this lady's incredibly fascinating life as a Hollywood photographer. 
So you can imagine my excitement when I learned that Max has invited his mum onto the podcast as our guest this week. 

She did not disappoint. Max generally makes a whole lot more sense now as a person. He was way too confusing before. 

I don't want to spoil too much, so here are some words that may, or may not be involved in the week's episode:

1) Jerry Lee Lewis
2) Two dicks called Nick
3) "You might want to tuck your pants into your boots..."
4) Poo-dcast
5) "These egg sandwiches sure are loud"

Nancy, you are a legend!

This week, we thought we would get into the spirit of one of the most exciting holidays (in the USA): Halloween!

Well I say “we”, what I actually mean is Max Michael Clendaniel and Kevin Gary Phillips try to get into the spirit. Ivan Samuel Berry, however, decided to put on his judgy pants and ruin everyone’s fun with logic and boring-juice.

This week, we all talk about horror films that have, at some point in the past, scared the living poo-poo right out of our bum bums (except Ivan). 

What I will say though, where Ivan’s fear with this sort of thing is lacking, Kevin more than makes up for it by being a complete weakling and scaredy-head. Things that have ruined Kevin’s sleep:

1) Remember “Shadow People” from episode 16? 

2) Ghost Cats

3) The time 03:33

All enough to give the K-Dowg the fear plops. 

We also learn from Ivan what it was like being with some real-life ghost hunters, and Max reveals that the combination of “big mouth, small eyes” is enough to make him hold his ears and hum-away the fear.

Happy Halloween!!

We had a guest all lined up and ready for this week’s episode. However, at the last minute, this mystery guest pulled out……at least, that is what we told Ivan!

In truth, our sneaky co-host Max Michael Clendaniel had arranged a surprise guest visit from Ivan’s Co-Presenter on the Shorts TV show “The Short List”: Elizabeth Ashley McKinney Taylor…or just “Ashley” as she is normally known.

Max also Used to be the director for this show , so I learned one thing very quickly listening to Ashley, Max, and Ivan interact: Max and Ashley LOVE making fun of Ivan. So much so, in fact, that I decided to join in…it was fun. Sorry Ivan.

Anyway, have you ever known something about someone else that they didn’t know you know? Well I guess it doesn’t really matter if you have or haven’t because you weren’t on the podcast. We were, and we discussed this very question.

Then all of that became null and void because Ashley then brought her story to the table. Ashley introduced us to her Mum…not literally, although I really want this to happen at some point in the future because she sounds incredible. In the meantime, I’ll tease you with the following words

“Mom, I need to know how to do something?….”

also:

“HELLO, I’M IVAN BEWWWYYYYYY”

You can check Ashley out on: 

Instagram:

@ashley.mcktaylor

Twitter

@ashleymcktaylor

It takes a genuinely special kind of person to be able to work in a care home for elderly people. I feel that these people are fortified with some kind of inner-metal. I can say with 100% certainty that I lack this quality.

Some people, with all the best intentions, think they may have this quality, so would therefore like to work in one of these care-homes to see if they have what it takes. Sarah Jane Tattersall is one of these people. She, like many millions of us, loved the TV show Scrubs and thought she wanted to be just like the loveable and caring, yet catastrophic lead-character JD. I'll give you one guess as to whether or not this career choice worked out......too late..the answer is no. You'll find out why in:

EPISODE 17!

We discuss our childhood obsessions this week; a slightly lighter topic than usual. I think we hit the ceiling on the topic of death and terror when we discovered all about Max's Shadow People visitations last week. These topics involve all the usual names:

1) Freddie Mercury 

2) Michael Jackson

3) WWF Wrestling (or WRAAAAAAStling)

4) and of course...Gareth Gates.....yep.

Then we move on to the story that Sarah's had prepared for us, which I have entitled:

Sarah and Maude!

Sarah is an extremely funny standup comedian, sketch-comedy artist, and writer. She also owns a production company called Funny Bird Productions.

You can check her out on:

Instagram:

@sarahjtatt

@boxofcharmstv

@funnybirdprod

Website:

www.funnybirdproductions.co.uk