Mr Vertical Line

I first met Jonathon Michael Wyer over the phone. He was introduced to me as “Producer Jon”, and he was prepping me before I went live with Ivan and Emma on their Heart Breakfast radio show. I then was passed over, and started playing a game called The Big Town Showdown….I did terribly. Doesn’t matter though, I’m still awesome.

Anyway, Max and I then met up with Producer Jon on Ivan’s stag do, and our friendships were solidified. So what better way to celebrate this friendship, than to have Jon on our podcast to talk about DREAMS!

This episode is all about the nighttime brain theatre that plays in our heads when we settle down into our slumber. All of our dreams are different, for example:

Some of us dream about falling to our deaths!

Some of us dream about a way to complete a computer game that we’ve been stuck on for days!

Some of us have a whimsical dream about a cheeky time we have with Amelia Clark!

….and some of us…..well…ONE of us…He lives in the terrifying world between the states of awake and sleep. It’s in this reality, that Max Michael Clendaniel has regular interactions with…THE SHADOW PEOPLE! 

I’m not kidding, Max retells the most terrifying accounts of what happens when this man goes to sleep. And it happens over and over!!

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then we move on to the main story. Producer Jon tells us what happens when you complain directly to the CEO of Apple! You’d think that someone like that would ignore a complaint coming from a random dissatisfied Apple consumer…..but you’d be wrong!

.When Max Michael Clendaniel said to me: 

“Hey Dude, I have a guest lined up for us this week. She’s f*cking hilarious!”…I said “Awesome!!, I can’t wait”.

And then I thought:

“I wonder what story she will tell?”

Then Julie Ann Grady Thomas popped up on our Zoom call, and started speaking. It became very clear straight away that Max was correct; she is f*cking hilarious. But she also brought something else to the show which I didn’t quite prepare myself for.

Honesty. Complete, eye-opening, scary, unnerving, extremely uncomfortable honesty. 

You might be thinking “Well, it’s not as if the previous episodes have been particularly light on the old honesty quota”, and I would agree. But…well you just need to listen to the episode to understand what I mean here. This is the kind of honesty that would make a Victorian Duke faint.

In this episode, we discuss parents. We love them, and they love us…right? So why do they feel the need to embarrass us to a level that makes us want to crawl inside our anuses and live there for a week? Well…unless your name is Ivan Samuel Berry, then you have no story to tell because evidently his parents love him too much for this to happen…must be nice. 

And then, we move onto Julie’s main story…….which I call simply…”U”.

Julie is an extremely talented standup comedian, sketch-comedy artist, and podcast guest; you can catch her on the following:

@jgradythomas - Instagram & Twitter

@boxofcharmstv - Instagram

www.facebook.com/jgradythomascomedy

www.juliegradythomas.com

From the off, I feel it’s only fair to warn you…this episode is really gross…..ok……so now you know.

I have been looking forward to releasing this episode for so long. The time is finally here, and I am as happy as a pancake on a big boat..and other famous sayings involving pancakes.

I have been friends with Samuel Euan Davis for many years now. I can honestly say, hand-on-heart that this man has made me laugh the hardest out of any human on this earth. There have been times where I’ve genuinely collapsed on the floor because the laughter was taking up too much of my brain processes, so it said “Well I can’t keep your legs functioning if you want to laugh at this joke, so down you go old chap”.

This week, we return to the topic which has been the brown life-blood of this show….poo. NO NO, don’t roll your eyes! You’re not better than me if you don’t find poo funny……STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES!! 

Sam tells us a story detailing the sheer panic that we have all experienced at some point in our life when our body is ready to “Release” before our situation should allow for it. I.E. The Car, at a Labyrinth gig, During a Fulham game for which you’re the match day announcer and cannot leave the stadium during gameplay etc.

Anyway, Ivan Samuel Berry, Max Michael Clendaniel, and Kevin Gary Phillips all agree, this episode contains two really really funny stories from my mate Sam that you can share with your loved ones and make their day so much better.

You’re a wizard Gary!

Hello everyone. Welcome to this week’s episode. It’s us…your hosts: Max Michael Clendaniel, Kevin Gary Phillips, and Peter (*wink)

In this Post COVID universe, we have all collected at least one story that we can pass on to our grandchildren. A story detailing something we’ve experienced since March 2020. 

I imagine some of you would talk about a really eerie, and somewhat apocalyptic experience walking around a deserted central London. For others, it might be a story involving performing a rear-naked choke on that shopper in Tesco who decided that buying fourteen billion toilet rolls was an acceptable thing to do. 

For Kevin Gary Phillips, something occurred at the start of June. From this point lockdown became, and will forever be, summarised by four words…..

1)OH

2)NO

3)PETER

4)RABBIT.  

I’ll leave that with you guys to digest for a sec……

In this episode, we all talk about LIES!! Lies we’ve told, lies we’re still currently caught up in, lies we kept telling to some Mormons, and a lies a friend once told us, and then made us tell to other people which eventually got us into a lot of trouble.

Remember early May 2020? 

Remember how awesome it was to be in the early stages of lockdown?

Remember when you went out for your governmentally permitted daily one hour of outside exercise and came across a dead squirrel that scared the sh*t out of everyone? 

Remember the sheep?

We do.

In this episode: We talk about what it feels like for us all stuck at home at this point during lockdown. Also, Kevin Gary Phillips, Ivan Samuel Berry, and Max Michael Clendaniel all take turns telling a breakup story from their past. 

But enough about furlough and Breakups…let’s get to the bit that we all really want to know about……

Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you…..Kin!..(as told by Max).

Here’s a snippet:

“Hi, I’m Kin”

“Ken?”

“KIN!”

“Kid??”

“Yeah whatever!”

*KNOCK KNOCK*

DOOR OPENS 

“Hello?!”

“How do you do? My name is Episode 11.”

“OHH SPLENDID!! My name is Barrington Tinsley. Welcome, come in, come in. Please, have a seat”

“Thank you”

“So, what what audio delights do you have for my ear-holes today Episode 11? Something piping hot and marvellous no doubt”

“Well sir, why don’t you have a listen to me for roughly 35 minutes, and you’ll find out  exactly what I have in store.”

“Oh how exciting. Couldn’t I have a just little snippet of today’s adventures?”

“Oh very well. Here’s a list of out-of-context, paraphrased dialogue you can look forward to hearing in today’s episode:

• “My foot was grey with Gravel”
• “OH JESUS….SAVE ME!!!”
• “My laziness saved my life”
• “I keep pissing on the same friend when I’m drunk!!”

“Oh my floppy socks, you do sound rather eventful and, dare I say, magnificently hilarious.”

“Yes yes. This is true. One last thing though before I climb inside your head.”

“ Oh yes…?”

“I know you killed Bertie.”

“…but…how could you?…..”

*Episode 11 jumps to his feet and does a super Karate-chop to Barrington’s arm. Barrington then just explodes and blows up in a really freaking cool explosion bomb blast bang.* 

“Take that you filthy beast”

*Episode 11 slowly turns around, walks out of the door….down the street…and into your ears and hearts*

“Doctor……Doctor…...DOCTOR!!!!!!!”

“For heaven’s sake Crispin, it’s four in the morning! You know I need my science sleep!!”

“Yes Doctor, but I’ve just received word….It’s ready”

“What? Really? episode 10 has finally been released?”

“Yes. It Has. We can finally hear all about how Ivan Samuel Berry made a tit of himself in front of Ant & Dec!!”

* The doctor leaps to his feet on the bed *

“GRAB BOTH MY HANDS CRISPIN!”

* Crispin climbs onto the bed and grabs the Doctor’s hands. They then bounce up and down while spinning in a circle and laughing really loudly for thirty-straight-minutes*

“Hold on Crispin. I’ve just remembered in my brain…..This is the same episode that Max Michael Clendaniel becomes the third official host of the podcast! He also describes how he responds to meeting his all-time schoolboy crush: Keira Knightly.”

“Oh that’s right Doccy-plops, he also ends up looking like a right titty-face!”

* They both simultaneously resume laughing, but really really loudly this time…like basically screaming. At the same time, they both take turns doing impossible acrobatics off the bed and landing perfectly…This goes on for five hours. 

Finally, Crispin and the doctor both land a double backward somersault off the bed and land on the dressing table. They both stop laughing*

“Crispin?”

“Yes Doccy- Doo-Doos?”

“Kevin Gary Phillips doesn't contribute much in this episode does he?”

“No, not really. But this is the first episode they recorded over Zoom around the time when the whole of the UK went into Lockdown….so that’s pretty interesting yes?”

“No it isn't Crispin. Go! I would be alone, for now I must sleep.”

“Okay, dream sweetly. But please remember…Max tells us a story about his friend Maxwell. Remember, how he is pretty much mugged twice by some scary dudes in LA?”

“Ah yes…thank you Crispy-face.”

* The doctor falls asleep instantly. Suddenly…a..big…..freaking tiger (or something) runs into the room.*

Will the Doctor and Crispin defeat the Tiger?…..

No.

Now enjoy this week’s episode my little sausages.

“DOCTOR, IT’S ESCAPED!!”
“Calm down Crispin, what has escaped?”
“EPISODE 9 OF MR VERTICAL LINE!!”
"What?….that’s impossible…but that means……OH MY GOD!!”
“I know…it’s the episode with two separate stories from Kevin Gary Phillips involving:

• Piss
• and then Piss again!!”

“Yes that’s right Crispin. Well done. Well done indeed Crispin.”
“Yes”
“And..oh heavens, isn’t this the episode where Max Michael Clendaniel tells us all about…..BONES JONES???!!!!!”
“ Yes Doctor, it is. God I love your memory sir”
“Thank you Crispin, but this is no time for sexy flirting; I’ve just remembered that this is also the episode where Max tells us all about the time he met the laziest (potential) serial killer in the world?!!!”
“Oh Doctor, I can’t take it anymore. You know how your memory for podcast content really revs my engine. KISS ME!!!!”
“OH CRISPIN, WHY FIGHT IT! LET’S KISS AND SMOOCH ON THREE. ONE…..TWO….”

*Suddenly, all power to the laboratory is cut. Crispin screams*

“Crispin, stop screaming and find a bloody candle you knob-head”

Will The Doctor & Crispin ever get to kiss and smooch? Will Episode 9 make it’s way into the lives and hearts of everyone ever……Find out next week please.

Episode 8 set sail a while ago, and is now pulling in to…port?..dock?..a boat garage? I don’t know. Anyway…Destination: YOUR FREAKING EARS! 

Right off the bat, I need to warn you all: This episode turned out to be one where Ivan Samuel Berry, Kevin Gary Phillips, and their guest Max Michael Clendaniel retell some super sad stories involving boats. I mean, they’re really interesting stories, and you should definitely all still listen. But just be aware that this week involves less comedy, and focussing fairly heavily on tragedy. Sorry about that. 

Anyway, here are the DVD chapter-style bullet points for the episode:

1. 10-year-old Ivan is changed forever after he has a horrific experience on a ferry
2. 30-year-old Max is changed forever after learning about the most horrific story involving a ferry in South Korea.
3. 21-year-old Kevin is changed forever after learning about a) a super intense story involving a South African Cruise ship..followed by b) The most horrific experience involving another South African cruise ship.
4. Max is changed forever when he decided to get a massage and is told a slightly less horrific story by his masseuse in India.
5. Kevin is changed forever when he is man-handled by his masseuse in Thailand. 

All I can say is this…NEXT WEEK WILL BE FUNNY AGAIN! 

Episode 7 just crash landed right into the centre of your head-minds!!

So one evening, I was having dinner with my friend Sean Joseph Croghan. We were talking about the podcast and Sean says the following:

“I could come on the podcast and talk about the time I worked at Guantanamo Bay?”

I think that’s should pretty much be all the information you’ll need to entice you to hit play!

But in case you’re worried: yes, we do also talk about a fart in church.