“… I’m a woman, but first I’m a person. And as a person, you do not outrank me.”

It is now September and I recorded this in August. To be transparent, there were a few musings before this - about five- that had no audio because the mic malfunctioned. I think I had some good musings during that time too. I know how to talk, but I am also quiet.

My musings usually happen during a quiet space of time that I have to myself and with kids, school, building and maintaining pages, a house, and my emotional instability, that space is hard to come by.

Parenting is an active choice that is made every day... it’s not one that I take lightly. I make a concerted effort to put my children’s needs and desires before my own. I made this decision as a child myself - well, an older teen.

We tend to look at the lives of great leaders through a narrow lens. For some, I didn’t even know they had children. Then to find out they weren’t an active presence in their lives either because of their work and because they had created split families... from coast to coast to continent to continent.

Also, some do not inherit the stable home that so many of us take for granted. We may miss on vacationing because maintaining a home is costly, but our great leaders and speakers may only be able to sleep in a friend’s home or depend on hotel rooms as a permanent nomadic lifestyle.

The question I have pondered for myself is what I must give up myself? Right now it is not being a friendly driver and an active social life. What have you given up to be your higher self?

**you going to hear me misspeak in these musings, but this is off the dome. I speak as the thoughts come.

- Mookie💜

I have been wanting to dance for a while. Yes, I can dance in my house. I can dance freely in my backyard. I have access to music anywhere in my house. I have playlists for several genres and feelings.

I don’t want to dance in my house, though. I want to dance in public, like in a club. It doesn’t have to be every weekend, but every so often I need that release. I feel like that is something I can allow myself.

That is what I imagine when I think about Studio 54. I don’t think about the bad lore. I just remember the videos of people sparkling, looking free on the dance floor. I don’t really connect with the bad because what stays with me is the feeling I imagine was there in those moments: the carefree, intense joy of releasing whatever worry there was and replacing it with music and movement.

What is your Studio 54? What brings you joy? I keep going back to music and dancing.

- Mookie💜

Life be lifing…

I’m not really here to make you understand me. That would take too much time to connect all the dots to figure out the way I move. I involve myself in way too much to be over explain myself - or so I believe.

Trust me I still believe this…

With friends this type of moving still worked because we all had our own goals, dreams, and other personal obligations.

With parenting not so much. Parenting requires an overexplaining of yourself that not many are appropriately prepared for. The early years it is understandable. As they get older you may become less compassionate for their ignorance based on your knowledge.

And I had an overabundance of knowledge… I just needed them to do and they had questions. So many questions (insert that stressed emoji here).

In some way I thought my kids would be like me but better at age 7 and 8 like I was. These kids were afraid to stay home by themselves. They wanted me to read to them and they are teenagers. They felt special with me cooking breakfast and they can cook themselves at 14.

They enjoyed that love…

That was the mismatch with my mental processing. I was looking to be the lone pilot that leaves the formation because I felt my job was done for the most part. As I couldn’t step out of the way something had to change - my plans had to. I couldn’t drop out of formation with them. I had to go all the way.

I had to see this through and change my expectations of parenting three separate and distinct individuals.

Mookie💜

“Hey it’s Musings with Mookie".”

That’s it that is the intro. I hardly ever ask how you are doing. That’s just how I roll in when talking to someone. I’m not sold on if I am wrong because it seems repetitive and others label it emotionally absent.

A greeting isn’t an emotion though - it’s an inquiry.

Then comes the personhood flow chart and how to show care… but you HAVE to do it everyday in the same way.

At one point it was just a grunt for humans… I see nothing wrong with a simple “‘Hi or hello” because you may respond with something other than “good.” Or you may ask me how I am and I may be truthful with a follow-up to your “Do you want to talk about it,” with a “No', but thank you for asking.”

And believe you me I want to fully engage but some times are just not the right time.

Have we masked ourselves for the sake of palatable agreeance? If declining to explore your bad day is being construed as being rude, can we ever truly rest in honesty?

I don’t even know what the musing is about…and by the time you read this after, you may not either.

- Mookie💜

You can’t miss what you never had is true and false - a false negative. You can’t miss a mother’s love if you never had it but you will chase a connection that seems fleeting. You might have never experience a roller coaster ride but that one time when you were on a swing and you got so high that you felt that weightlessness that you couldn’t describe and wanted that again.

Early on, this phrase was weaponized against me in attaining what I wanted, in turn programmed me to expect less from others and even accept even less. Though I never accepted less from myself.

Wanting something for myself; I was faster than superman, especially more nimble than jack. I didn’t tell myself no, maybe later, but no was not part of my internal processing. Once I left home and started really pulling in and having my own money - there was no such thing as a waiting. It’s not like I wanted much or couldn’t be satisfied.

I carried this frame of mind, eventually being told that I was too independent. That I needed to not do everything myself. I didn’t see it that way. I no longer had to. It didn’t mean I didn’t need anyone, I just didn’t want to be told no.

- Mookie💜

The thing with be a writer is that you have to be clever. Life itself is about being clever and at times it is slow. In writing you have to keep the clever going either by explaining a thing in long flow where you don’t get lost in using so many words.

I learned in my last job not to bore the audience. You are here to deliver information and you have to tailor the information to your crowd.

Some people - civilians - would say I’m doing too much. Rather a retired civilian did say I was doing too much. I was but I was there to work then go home. I have fun at home. At work I had to bite my tongue a lot. So if I was doing a lot work, and providing requested results I was protected from having to be longwinded.

I cold just be like, “well General so and so want it this way”, then everyone shuts up. I adored efficiency.

With writing I have to be long winded and efficient in my storytelling. I had to learn to be comfortable telling it all but also skipping the slow parts in the story or what would slow the story.

I don’t know - that’s all I got. I have been drinking and I’m starting to feel it in my toes.

Mookie💜

Today but not today because by the time you read this, today would not be today. I hope to persuade you that the previous sentence is correct. Or convince you that I have not used AI.

I haven’t used AI, at least not to write this.

I use AI is as a tool and to convince myself that I am great (I like being told that I’m good at writing and not believing it at the same time). Before I used AI, I was already convinced. Also some may say “great” is reaching for the stars - and it is. The earth's core is obviously too hot and too close to go that way.

Squirrel…

I use AI as a tool and not as helping hand for my writing. If I can’t find a word then I use it. Otherwise I would the definition of a word as usual. If I want to buy a face mask but need to if I'll have a reaction. I use it…

Now for cooking… I could cheat a whole cookbook. I would call it A.I.-cipes - LOL. Of course it doesn’t cook it or come up with the dishes. The measurements though. It has help me cut down on redundancy and over cooking - still doesn’t layer the seasoning like I want. But helping me develop a batter with fine ground corn and rice flours has been a game changer.

Taking a four serving recipe down to two or up to six, making a recipe concise, or using convection verses non-convection for baking has been some of the few ways I have found A. I. to be really advantageous.

We won’t get rid of A.I. but it does need limited access. Well, anyway, I turned a snickerdoodle recipe into a Blondie-Doodle using a cookie package.

Bloodie-Doodle

Mookie💜

It’s something about being responsible and being a chaotic that has been my internal motto. Like sneaking out the house, but sneaking out with someone who’s been there before. Like kissing boys without guidance, but not all of them. Playing the odds with my grades in HS - I stopped seeing the future for a bit. Going to a frat party, drinking and then waking up to go run it off.

I love a good time.

Then there is this ability for me to extremely commit to a task or jump right to work sometimes cause me to be in awe. I believe if you work hard, you play just as hard if not harder. That if you are checking off all of the boxes, then you can afford the release.

I love a vacation with very few plans. Where you can wander and let the next person you bump into give you a direction to go or a place to visit. Where you can float and while enjoying the sun. Forgetting about responsiblities

Right now I am missing that. I need and desire a getaway at but that the moment I am locked in.

Mookie💜

I was riding in the car with my oldest and they say this area is getting bad. Not bad with violence, although there has been an uptick in theft. No longer safe to leave your garage open or have windows that can be seen through.

There is so much construction and new businesses brewing. They put all the nail shops on this side of town now - with three of them being the same franchise. the traffic is a bit busier and they put up at least 3 new apartment complexes. I tell my son that is why I look further to moving out in the country. I want the space and privacy.

Sometimes relations relationships can feel that way. One or two partners not prepared for the either is displaying or not displaying. Stubborn mindsets and fear pick at the once thought to be a sturdy foundation. The ring of marriage then tightens. It is the last resort, last ditch effort thrown in an argument to work it out.

We. Are. Married.

That phrase brings in all the eyes and mouths to the front to prejudge before they have even understood there was trouble matrimony. Outside of division of assets and the kids, why is hard to be let go. I mean maybe we should have just entered into a business contract.

Mookie💜

Collectivism is a social, cultural, or political philosophy that prioritizes the cohesion, goals, and well-being of a group over individual desires

I have been figuring out how to reach the collective but not in a way that brings about a homogenous group. I’ve had a taste of the world to prefer to live homogenously. I can get along with a myriad of groups (except bigots, I have my limits). In sociology this is called collectivism. Before I took sociology I had always wanted the collective to move together by taking their blinders off.

Blinders of being the “only.” Only this group does this, or only this group that. We don’t that over here or you act like this. It’s quite exhausting.

The U.S. would be great place to see this come about if certain people would let go of ideas that separate us and put us at odds. We(not me) also continue to put people in power that continue to push these ideas into longevity.

I know some may retort, “Then why don’t you run for govt office?” For many of us that is not our purpose or passion. We don’t have the capacity to enact that type of change amongst the masses. Because we may be too nice, too crass, or would rather find a deep wood to wander to recalibrate for an indeterminate amount of time..

While I like the idea of collectivism, too much of a good thing lead us back to the same issue. Though if we really try, we could do better in managing this cycle successfully.

Mookie💜