Musk takes center stage at first cabinet meeting then gets hit with a paternity suit, GOP prepares to end town hall meetings after dealing with something called accountability, and Patriot Polka Dots, also known as the measles, claims its first victim in the U.S. in ten years.

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The White House can't stand the idea of a free press, farmers intend to sue the government for climate data, Rep. Jasmine Crockett fires a round at Musk, and 21 DOGE workers quit citing Musk as a corrupt force.

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The U.S. chose sides with Russia and North Korea at the U.N., Musk said the weekend email was a prank, hackers uploaded a video of Trump sucking Musk's toes in the Department of Housing and Urban Development, and a former cop, turned miracle-cure-pushing, conspiracy theorist podcaster is now number 2 at the FBI, a steaming number 2.

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Trump plans to attend Russian victory parade with Putin, and tells Maine's Governor "I AM THE LAW." DOGE wants to send everyone a $5,000 check, and an ICE prosecutor in tells announced "I am a fascist."

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Trump whines that his life would have been rough had he not been elected President/King then has the Resolute Desk removed from the White House, the Senate confirms a man who hates the FBI as the head of the FBI, and the DoD apparently hates its veterans.

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Trump declares himself King of America, Musk declares he's found wasted American money then pockets it, KFC declares they're ditching Kentucky for Texas, and Don Jr., declares his backing for the Steroid Olympics.

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Trump capitulates, lifts sanctions against Russia, Putin wins because Trump is a coward. Europe regroups and determines U.S. to be an adversary, Trump voters scramble to find news jobs, possibly new living spaces, in Canada perhaps, and the measles outbreak spreads to New Mexico.

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Trump tells the Supreme Court he's the king and he'll go without pants if he wants to, the GOP introduced a bill to make Trump's birthday a national holiday, DOGE prepares to access all IRS data, President Musk wants to throw all of the 60 Minutes production team in prison, and the EPA's Environmental Justice Office is officially KAPUT.

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Valentine's Day Federal Massacre Edition! A Russian drone bombed the protective shell over Chornobyl, and Trump later demanded the firing of nuclear engineers, Cheeto-in-Chief hung his mugshot up inside the White House, measles in on the rise again as MAGA also means Measels Again, Goofy Americans. All that and a snippet of AUSA Hagan Scotten's resignation letter.

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Russia asks Musk to turn over names of aid recipients, a U.S. aircraft gets involved in a hit-and-run, a brain-worm having, dead-bear-leaving, heroin-using, anti-vaxxer now runs American health, and Rep. Lauren Boebert and Kid Rock give each other herpes.

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