Notes From The Shadows

As of the time of writing this script, it is 1:48am on a Monday. I have a what seems like a forced insomnia. Of sorts. My medications have been indeed changed. From Escitalopram and Aripiprazole to Lithium.

Ah, Lithium. We have been through so much, you and I.

Music by Nik Bustamante

It’s not like in the movies. There are no patients bouncing off of walls. No zombie-like lethargic movements caused by too much medications. No altercations involving poorly made shivs. But it did seem like a movie when I was being wheeled into the psychiatric ward of a hospital in Pasig City. Everything was surreal, in slow motion, the camera tilts from the sign above that may have said “Psychiatric Ward” to the drab blue gray double doors I was being wheeled into.

Music By Nik Bustamante

I used to look at the mirror and see a stranger. I even saw a monster, at times. And it scared me seeing something horrific and unfamiliar. A reflection not mine. A reflection that belonged to someone else, from someplace else.

It was a reality that I had to live with for most of my life. I’d often see someone I don’t like when I catch a reflection of myself. I’d see someone full of self-loathing, full of hatred for the cards he’d been dealt with. I’d see a boy crying for help to the heavens he’d cursed at just mere moments before. It was sickening. It was pathetic. I was pathetic. That’s how much self-loathing I had.

Music By Nik Bustamante

I’m gonna change things up for a bit. This topic is not one of my Rules In Life. This isn’t one of the lessons that I have learned, but I feel like it is equally important. I was supposed to do this topic on my youtube vlog, but I don’t know if I’m still going to update that because I’ve found that I enjoy podcasting more than that! Anyway, this topic was suggested by a good friend of mine, Jordan. He’s got his own demons to face and wondered about something - "Do clinically depressed people call undiagnosed people like him as someone who is not legit?"

Music By: NiK Bustamante https://open.spotify.com/artist/4N8WXPkG6K2F96vC7R3GAK?si=K0J-HTvfTX-JUb_HLYn-Ow / https://open.spotify.com/artist/5HszLiQhueExdEJ0aF6QEu?si=52Bv6_g1QWu2sY6H8U6gXw

We all lose something along the way. Be it peace of mind, a loved one, skills and passions, memories and ideas, even visions of the future. But should we succumb to a mournful state? Or should we be joyous that it was, even for a short while, ours – that we attained something that we once considered unattainable?

*Music by Nik Bustamante ( https://www.facebook.com/garagemorningmusic & https://www.facebook.com/twinfixmusic )

Being a slave to the past and the future prevents me from being present, from being in the present. Being beholden to what was and what could be stops me from living in the moment. And living in the moment is what I need to do. I believe that it’s what most of us need to do.

Music by Nik Bustamante

I was supposed to tell this story on my youtube vlog, but I have been procrastinating the hell out of it because of the subject matter. Trigger warning applies. I’ll be talking about sensitive matters – my experience with suicide. If you’re not in the right headspace, I highly suggest not listening to this episode. If you’re in mental and emotional duress right now, please find someone to talk to – a trustworthy friend, a therapist, your priest or pastor. Anyone. Talking about it may ease the pain.

*Music by Nik Bustamante

I wasn’t going to put this out today but I kinda realized its necessity. For me, anyway. I realized, and remembered, the importance of doing a review of the day when it is over. This is a lesson that I’ve only recently done. It wasn’t something that I’ve done in the past, like in my youth or something. The older I got, the more I saw the benefits of doing a recollection of the thing that I’ve learned and experienced during the day.

*Intro music by Nik Bustamante

Growing up, I wasn’t one who’d speak his mind. I was always afraid of speaking because I knew that I’d just stutter. Little did I know then that it was anxiety that caused the bad stuttering. I thought I had just spoken that way, that there was something clinically wrong with my speech.

*Intro Music by Nik Bustamante