On Being Animals

It’s time to start the Russell Books phase of the On Being Animals podcast. Russell Books is this used bookstore in Victoria where I work and it is the best bookstore I’ve ever been in. Am I saying this in order to get promoted? Maybe. You’ll just have to come and check out the bookstore in order to find out. Make sure you set aside a couple of hours. It is legit. It makes Chapters look like a heavy diaper covered expired foot cream. 

So why is this podcast entering the Russell Books phase? Because I have met some wonderful humans there and many of them will be coming to the studio for the next couple of episodes. To start us off, Gabriel came by to help me discover the Curious Clever Handed Recluse. As we waded through the waters of the Curious Clever Handed Recluse, we discovered more about girlfriend potato chips, electric balls, gut feelings, and we got caught up on Haley Joel Osmond’s career.

Most Egregious Error: I said that there is only one species of nautilus. I was so wrong. There are 6 species of nautiloids in 2 genera. Shame on me.

Science level: So high! Gabe drop serious knowledge bombs in this episode. If I were to create a transcript of this episode, it would have a bunch scientific footnotes.

You tuned into this episode to learn about the Sneaky Growthy Blue-Red Baldies, but you’ll stick with it to hear more of Brett’s silky smooth radio voice. Brett’s my brother’s good buddy and I and see why, he’s funny, charming, and I’ll be damned if he ain’t some kind of handsome. He crossed the Straight of Georgia to come shop at AW&Co, to estimate the price of hazel nuts, to find truth in the moment, and to catch up on Survivor. The TV show Survivor. Brett is a loyal Survivor fan. Even after 36 seasons, he not gon give up. He not gon stop. He gon work harder. And keep watching survivor. 

Most egregious error: I confidently claim that New Zealand is not volcanic. I took a shot, I liked my odds, and I missed. It’s definitely volcanic.

Science level: low. We may be a couple of engineers, this this episode is all about flow.

What a special guest. Tiaré has both the real world experience of fishing for a living and a grasp of the scientific method that can only be found in the ivory towers of academia. Plus she’s a fantastic podcast guest. A delight. On this episode we learned about the Upcycled Squishy Kitten Yogi and we dream of the day when we will judge animals, not by the phallic shape of their body, but by the content of their character. While dreaming, we learn about the armadillo of the sea, sustainable fishing practices, and someone confesses to knuckling the peanut butter jar.

Most egregious error: the slime has protein in it and I was a bit unclear with some timelines, so 500 million years ago was when we shared the last common ancestor this animal. The Upcycled Squishy Kitten Yogi continued to change until about 300 million years ago. At that point, it stayed morphologically pretty unchanged. IT’s like school yearbook message to heart: “you’re amazing never change, xoxo besties for ever”.

Science level: we had a a flipping practitioner of science on the show, so yeah, the science level was high. The scientist may have also recited a limerick about shark dicks. That’s still science.

When life gives you oats, record a podcast with your brother. This time my brother Clayton, aka the Clayzer Beam, helped me learn about the Motivated Sloppy Taste Sharp Eyed Killer. During the episode, we try to figure out if anything matters, we talk about being above the line, about being trashy fast-food eaters, and we learn about man-eaters, but not the man-eaters that make you work hard make you spend hard make you want all of their love.

Most egregious error: I couldn’t remember how sex ratios are related to resource abundance. In my defence, this is a bit of a nuanced relationship that depends on the animal. Research on owls has shown female-biased sex ratios when breeding territories have an abundance of prey. For the Motivated Sloppy Taste Sharp Eyed Killer, it might be the opposite because serious male territorial competition is due to limited resources and results in adult male deaths giving us the female-biased sex ratio. That is the answer I should have given in this episode. Instead I mumbled and poured more tequila. Oh, and it's not 25%, we actually share up to 60% of DNA with bananas. We're all just making proteins and replicating DNA.

Science level: High! We talked about how eyes work and photons.

Matt is back! He braved the winter cold to come to the On Being Animals studio in Gatineau, Quebec to learn more about the Sociable Fluttering Skin-Winged Rooster. While recording, we go an adventure that damages my ears, then we talk about great movies such as multiplicity, we try to figure out if friends can have sex with each other, and we take Tom Hanks down a peg. By we, I mean me. Me take Tom Hanks down a peg.

Most Egregious Error: the research on this animal was rushed in order to get Matt in the studio before I left Gatineau, so we miss a lot of sex and social facts.

Science level: very high, we talk about decibels and the Doppler shift!

This episode was recorded in Ottawa, but in this moment, I am talking to you from Victoria. I made it and it is beautiful. So many hummingbirds, but enough about me and my hummies, lets talk about this episode on the Thick Marrowed Mature Legs. I am so lucky that I was able to catch Krystal before I left because she was a joy to have – such a warm heart and sharp mind. We discovered more about Bob’s big tongue, Baja Rosa, yoga with Adriene, and merino wool. That last discovery resulted in the biggest On Being Animals laugh ever. It was fantastic.

Most egregious error: I say that the giraffe’s tongue is 9 inches long. Not even close. It’s 20 inches long. This ain’t no merino mistake, but Episode 7 was about giraffes, so I should know better.

Science level: We create a new, science-based lifestyle and for 7 easy payments of 23 euros, you too can have all the science that we pack into our new patented lifestyle.

Well, I blew it. I totally blew. I’d like to formally apologize to you the listeners for this episode being a week late, nay, over a week late. There’s no excuse. Am I in the process of moving from Gatineau to Victoria? Yes. Is that a valid excuse? No. Did we run over half of a deer carcass outside of Sault Ste Marie? Yes. Is that a valid excuse? No. Did we see a Moose in Glacier National Park? Yes. Is the Moose a valid excuse? No. The moose is no excuse. I refuse to use the moose excuse. To make it up to you, I’m giving you the first ever On Being Animals two-fer double-shot. That’s right, two guest in one episode that covers two animals! It’s a two-fer double shot. Lovely Lindsay and passionate Pam came in to learn more about the Snotty Spineless Egg Gardener and while they were in the studio, I surprised them with the Dick Fish. That is not a euphemism, my pants stayed on, I am a civil member of society. There was extra time so I taught them about a notorious south American dick fish. Along the way we learned more about taking number threes, danger bay, and the detachable penis. Oh, and in case there is any doubt, Lindsay is charming, gorgeous, and available. Folks, you heard correct, she is available.

Most egregious error: I said lampreys feed on whale falls, but I meant hagfish. Lampreys eat blood and fluids of living sea creatures. Hagfish scavenge.

Science level: there’s some science….and then a whole lot of sex and genital talk.

Double your pleasure and double your fun! That's the slogan for our 2020 presidential campaign. Melissa and I will run as equals and our mandate will be to double anything that's good in life. To launch our campaign, we are releasing this podcast on the Lonely Bellowing Backwards Double-U. In it, we explore early puberty, KIDS, and poop chutes. These are all separate things. And KIDS is much sadder than you think, but it is life and life is a struggle. Not always fair.

Most egregious error: I said we would run for president in 2022. That's not the right year. Also, I didn't know what taxonomic rank mammals were. I say kingdom and backpedal to order, but they are a class. Boy do I have egg on my face. Egg from a monotreme, the order of mammals that lay eggs. On my face.

Science level: Not super high. Don't get me wrong, we are talking science, but there are some great stories. The one on 10 year old Melissa at the end is a real gem.

What was my New Year's resolution? More Dash! That’s right, back by my popular demand, handsome Dash came for a second podcast.  We come out of the gate hot with a 15-minute debate on undergrad engineering courses and then we seamlessly segue into a discovery of the Muscled Morphin Toxic Glutton. Along the way we explore binging on sun chips, the amazing things our parents did for us, and poop dreams.

Most egregious error: I credit Dash with introducing me to Ticket to Ride, but he was not alone. I also have Ashley, Audrey, and Jovian to thank for my unhealthy obsession. There’s also a point in the episode where I’m searching for a word. I think I was looking for moonshine. I was trying to get to General Tecumseh’s quote on the false glory of war. Dang we be cultured.

Science level: We talk about signal processing, so that’s high, right? We also talk about how, though flawed, Prometheus is a great movie. That’s right, this is an opinion that Dash and I share.

And the balance has been restored. Last week, Ryan and I got pretty focused on some male genitalia, so luckily, the fantastic Christina came by and brought us back on track. So much female genitalia. It couldn't be helped. It shouldn't be helped. It wouldn't be helped. It had to happen. And it happened with Christina, who is wonderfully talented. She is a part of the improv troupe A Little Awkward, and she is 50% of the Scene Partners podcast. That makes this another crossover episode! We brought the studio to her and she helped us learn more about the Familial Semi-Aquatic Hindgut. Along the way, we discovered more about family, nudie mags in the woods, church camps, Noah's ark, Diva cups, safe search, furies, and rotting peaches. 

Most egregious error: we couldn't remember Michael Winslow's name. Shame on us. Christina didn't even know he existed. Double shame. 

Science level: Pretty low. This is a full 2 hours of silly bits. We learn everything that we need to know about the Familial Semi-Aquatic Hindgut, but we are not pushing the boundaries of our collective knowledge.