One Hard Thing Substack Podcast

I have a lot of baggage as regards femininity, and any relationships that edge over into hierarchical territory. For that reason, owning and training horses is, well, fraught. They, like women, are beautiful, powerful, sensual, and sensitive. They want to connect, have their own hearts and minds, and navigate herds with sophisticated skills and a high level of perceptiveness. They are richly nuanced creatures, with more depth and potential for two-way communication and contributions than many of us (especially me) tend to remember to give them credit for.

Men are this way as well. All of us are. We are all of us worlds within worlds, and reducing any one of us to a tool, or even an accessory, is insulting. It’s depersonalizing, and violating, too. I am proceeding in my relationship with Tundra oh so aware of my own tendency to carry on this chain, rather than break it. Animals are so often reduced to their material possession status, and horses in particular, who are so incredibly trainable, often get relegated to a “carry me, and make me look good by how you do it” status.

So this particular walk and talk is me trying to do a couple of precise little back and forths with my mare while preserving the atmosphere of mutual respect, closeness, affection, and calm that she shows at the outset. I think this is possible to maintain even at a full gallop, IF I don’t add those unbalanced extremes of anger, fear, or shame to the mix. It’s, again, not easy or simple, but it is possible. So I carry on, feeling very privileged to have this particular opportunity (on this particularly lovely day).

Happy Wednesday. Come join me in the round pen. There is room for you!

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Ah doughnuts! Circles within circles. I’m talking today about the need (for me) of clear lines between working with and for others, and that small ring of authority where I do need to work for myself. It’s so helpful to reduce the blurriness of the lines between these two distinct areas. I’m sitting on a fence, and suggesting that a gate between the two areas (probably well-oiled, easy to move through in either direction) would probably be useful.

I am in charge of some aspects of my “self,” and those spaces and places require me to assertively define my authority, and keep other people’s meddling attempts to interfere out. On the other hand, there are many, many tasks we do in common areas, where we help, collaborate and support each other. In those spaces, your opinions and feedback matter quite a bit.

Knowing at any given moment where I am in relation to this fence seems to me to be helpful for my continued sanity, security, and stability.

See what you think! Are you able to let some control go if you have a way to locate the task in question as being outside your one strong circle? Doing this with no shame or blame is important. As is your right to absolutely control the parts of you that are yours and no one else’s. Also without any shame or blame.

One hard thing…!

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No secret that my Mind is a bully. She is truly getting on the rest of “our” nerves. Her obsession with progress - the competitive, observable, externally measured kind - is depressing and yet relentless. I’m trying hard to bench her.

In working through an emotionally very dense week of good, hard, rainy, and all the little adversities that can be added on in between, I’m trying to talk to myself in encouraging ways, rather than letting my Mind go on and on with her critiques and rants and ridiculous comparisons.

Back to the round pen, which is feeling like a classroom, therapy couch, and kitchen table, all at once. Tundra is happy to be back to “school,” and I’m happy to have some sunshine (apologies to all of you who are dealing with too much of the warm stuff - we are squarely in the jet stream and it’s non-stop wind and rain and thunder and barely summer temperatures). My mic is working (my new one), and my phone is charged, and I have a little bit of emotional energy, and there you go. This is a lovely chance to work on shifting my inner team’s focus to a more balanced set of goals - based on my Body’s realities (and Tundra’s), as well as the sheer volume of new information and learning my Heart is struggling to integrate into an already full emotional “cup.”

This is a longish video, but for me it was very grounding and affirming. I needed this time with my horse, and I think I feel better after trying to say out loud to you, and with my actions to her, all while staying emotionally as present as I possibly could, some reframing messages as to What Is Happening. Always tricky to describe. Happy Wednesday to you all, and join me when you have a minute (or 21 in this case!). Working on depth, over distance and also supporting discovery, before either.

This one is definitely me thinking out loud. In the paradigm of trying to balance, rather than simply trying to meet some standard of being a good, better or best person, I’m having to swivel away from one comfortable dopamine source. This is…well, it’s easier to do in summer, let’s say that.

While I’m very much musing about my own difficulties as to this “wobbly” week I’m having, I hope there is some crossover to your lives, in that it’s much nicer to think about struggling to stay upright in a difficult pose, rather than feeling like a failure, or incompetent, or bad, or any other rather more triggering names. The thing is, everyone is probably quite tilted. In tricky, or even simply very intense and joyful seasons of life, this lack of a stable tripod shows up even more clearly. I’m trying to embrace this as an opportunity for more precise feedback as I struggle to stand in place.

I do want to achieve more balance. And it’s funny how I tend to think of everything like this - something to achieve, an obstacle to overcome, an adversary to conquer. My imbalance shows up as a real block when I try to engage in anything but mastery. What is needed in relational or natural or creative situations, though, is something different. Maybe it’s presence, or acceptance, or even stillness. Whoa! Tipping over just thinking this way!

That’s it. Happy Friday. Namaste. Stay in balance, friends. Or…work at it, anyway.

🍃

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It won’t stop raining here. We are in the midst of a fairly large system that is just spinning and precipitating, and so I’m not going to attempt a horse training video. Not that heroic, to be honest, and with all the excitement in our household, I’m not that energetic either.

I do want to keep on showing you more precise visuals of the various energies (as I see them, anyway) at work in amongst what would otherwise just look like “normal life.” Here is a little montage of the ways I see Draw energy at work in my day to day. The last part is kinda a big deal this summer. We are attempting to steer clear of this set of connections as much as possible!

It is clear to me that the power of Draw is incredibly useful in certain situations. I need a good recall for the dogs. I work on that constantly. It’s also helpful for the horses to come when I call. Worth a daily outlay of oats, for sure. And it’s also true that while Draw is in play, there is a certain elasticity to it. There may be a delay, or a tighter or looser connection, based on many factors. I would love my recalls to be answered immediately, with alacrity. But I can’t expect to increase Draw by using Drive (which could feel like a push back, if I get impatient or even angry at a slow response).

I’m trying to get better at working with this very different force. It’s completely different in quality than my more comfortable use of Drive, and yet, not better, or worse. Just uniquely suited to certain situations. Like proficiency with a good set of tools, if I am more aware of the directions of the energy I’m exerting, I can be a lot more efficient with my efforts.

I bet you could spend an enjoyable half hour or so in a crowded environment watching people use Draw with more or less effect. Sales, parenting, performing in any sense, as well as herding cats or other animals (😋) requires tactical familiarity with this particular direction of attention and energy. And unlike with Drive, you can’t just use brute force and expect the connection to “work.” It’s a little tricky that way. Yes, I can use treats for sure, but I also need to be seen as safe, reliable, and an attractive communication partner. So pure bribery only gets me so far.

Hopefully next week I get back to some sort of training routine, but meanwhile, enjoy some animals Drawing!

Ever tenderer topics! Can’t talk about compassion fatigue without starting into this big one. Take a deep breath and come along. You are worth it. Truly.

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I think the pictures we have as backdrops for the “stories” we are always writing matter. I’ve been very interested in what my pictures are - the set design, as it were. What are the colours, shapes, and taken-for-granted sorts of geographic assumptions I carry? You know how we see the “world” based on the distorted 2D maps that place a higher emphasis on certain parts of the planet? Kind of like that. We don’t really factor in how some parts of Asia, North America, or the southern hemisphere are much larger, visually, than others. We tend to simply accept this map as a representation of reality. And while we know at some level that the earth is a sphere, on another level, East and West and North and South matter. Sometimes deeply.

So, in trying to turn and face the origin and continued motivation for my tendency to Drive myself forward, onward, and away, I think my backdrop needs renovation.

I live in a forest, and I love it. It does have its challenges, but the sheer complex beauty of it (even though it is a scrubby, Jack Pine-y sort of bush) is endlessly restorative to my bruised and battered Soul. I got a tattoo with my brother, scripted beautifully by my sister-in-law, which for me illustrates the trackless, endless wonder of truth - as a forest, as a place of natural awe and life and light and also shadow and treachery and danger.

The use of a forest as a backdrop for my many questions, possibilities, difficulties, and connections with others is, I think, healthier than a more mechanistic, right/wrong, competitive, or in/out model. There is nothing exclusionary about a forest. There is also the fact that the obstacles are real and often quite painful to navigate. What I’m wanting to remind myself of today is that there is no place to “get to.” I don’t need to achieve, arrive, or assemble anything or anyone or anywhere. I’m already right here. And that is in Truth. In Reality, and therefore in “it.”

I’m all good. What to do next is a fun problem.

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Continuing the extrapolation of how we can tip over, from yesterday, here are the points (logical, sequential, analytical!) that make sense to me today in the world of relationships and inner team preferences.

* Mind-blind

* emphasis on the Heart

* emphasis on the Body

* Heart-unfelt

* emphasis on the Mind

* emphasis on the Body

* Body negative

* emphasis on the Mind

* emphasis on the Heart

Each one of these arrangements of an inner team leaves one critical team member more or less out, and then tries to relate with the other two in a sort of two-dimensional way. This can work for a while, but like a child learning to walk, we eventually need all three planes of movement to really balance well. Side to side, front to back, and rotation.

I’m hypothesizing a little here, based on my own experiences falling down, and being tipped over as others fall down in my near space. It’s a common enough experience! We are all struggling for balance, I expect, and there are plenty of reasons to find to avoid leaning on a mind, a body, or a heart. Life is that difficult and injuries are painful.

I’m interested if you resonate with any of these tipped over patterns, or can think of your own. And again, all sorts of grace extended to me, to you, to the human race. It is tough to balance in any respect. I’m finding it an extremely complex topic, and yet starting to feel real benefits just from an increased awareness and vocabulary helping me as I navigate tricky stuff. Hope this helps you as well.

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So there’s a lot going on for me in this video. I’m trying to show you my exact moments of “tipping” out of balance, and into a patterned, automatic, and unchosen response. Because I’m going as slow as I can, and trying to really notice those feelings of sliding into anger, or shame, or fear, I am starting (so exciting!) to catch myself! I love this, because I do not enjoy the sensation of looking back at an interaction and regretting or feeling confused by my contribution to whatever happened.

Staying balanced for me in this context means: remembering that I have worth, and a presence, and am secure in my self. The implication of those statements that is relevant to this lesson is that when Tundra shows “resistance,” or “refusal,” or whatever it is that she does that I don’t want her to do…it’s not about me. And without this balancing discipline, it could easily (so easily) become about me.

When we are in a power scenario with another person - say, an employee, or a child, or a student, or anyone who has less privilege than we do in an area that matters to the joint task, it is so critical to be self-centred. Meaning: centring, grounding, staying aware and present, and remembering our/my own tendencies for falling over (which are complicated, but usually result in me demonstrating way too much Drive energy, and forgetting all about the power of Draw, and certainly not bothering to Soak).

I encourage you to go there. Think about a time when you were in a clear power differential. These are not bad in and of themselves (I lack power going into surgery, but boy oh boy I don’t want to have to manage the surgeon!). However, they are very subject to one or both of the parties’ imbalances tilting the whole thing into a bad place. If you (either as the one with more or less power) can stay grounded, stay aware of your own strong circle, and try to take advantage of all three of your inner team members (Heart, Mind, and Body), the chances of the whole thing staying healthy and positive go way up. In my experience.

I’m trying to show and tell and write and in all the ways figure out the best way to cement this concept into my own life. I really, really want to get this. It is the difference between limping along with a cast and a crutch and lots of pain and reduced mobility - and health. The only catch is having to take the cast off, finally, and address the original hurt. (Insert emoji of pained expression and holding my nose).

Yes, of course we all could do with the talking part of healing. I am all for that. But (and as an occupational therapist I’m biased) we also need to do the rebalancing work. This requires taking an abstract “knowing,” (or maybe inkling would be the more accurate term) and using it in a situation. With others. Where the results matter.

So scary!

Of course this will look messy and incomplete and uncoordinated and wobbly. Learning how to balance can’t look any other way. Not a reason not to try.

My video series with Tundra is collaborating with this podcast series and so feel free to go back and forth. I have a horse and a round pen which is a handy little metaphor for life, with all its limitations, chaotic outer events (especially Tamira, the ultra-scary cat!), and inner possibilities for growing trust, or actively breaking it down. Which I’m trying to use as a mirror for my own inner Home and Soul and Team and all of that. Anyway, that’s the intro.

Please join me on the fence, because that’s what Fridays are for.

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