It’s so…funny, and yet also a bit horrifying, to figure out that my preconceptions are not just incomplete, but dead wrong. My assumptions about what home is, can be, and what it means to leave home have coloured so much of how I am and who I’ve presented myself as, to the world. I’m sad, and also happy, to finally unearth these simplistic “templates” in my own head and replace them with a more detailed, intentional, and reality-based paradigm.

Working from home as a default orientation to my soul, my balanced centre, and to my whole resource bank (and where I can find it), is hopeful. It gives me the sensation of protection, with space. Of security, with openness as well. There’s a way, I now believe, to enter into relationships without betraying who I am in the process. Better late than never! I’m sad it took this long to get here, but happy I’m on this particular fence now.

Happy Friday as we look at the appealing option of never leaving home, while also living life to the full. Best of all worlds? I think so.

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This wasn’t my plan, but it was both fun and relaxing. Trying to balance my considerable Drive energy, and also my Draw energy with Tundra, for sure, and sort of just “join up” with my herd without them demonstrating any sort of disturbance, was a Just Right Challenge for me today.

I think the peace of the moment may communicate even through this 2D medium. I hope so. It was kinda lovely. A Wednesday sort of magic, maybe. Or maybe it’s a Monday one, because that’s the day I videoed it!

The grass is green. The snow is still trying to disappear. Water is all around us, suggesting a delay in fire risk for a little while, anyway. I have lots of plans and dreams and forward energy going into this late (and possibly compressed) summer. But I’m trying to stay in balance, and enjoy the pulling back (Drawing) powers of my Heart, and the Soaking capability of my Mind, as well as the familiar Drive momentum of my Body.

Thinking of all these energetic directions as great, valuable, and yet nicely antagonistic to each other (like the personalities in a well-ordered team), is helping me manage hard things with less tension, and a lot more enjoyment.

Happy late May, late spring, finally warm, Wednesday!

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I’ve been playing with this one in odd moments, and I think I’ll use it. And the rest I’ve explained on the video!!

(But…I describe the “hang ten” hand gesture, when what I really mean is the “I love you” gesture. The two are not interchangeable! I’ve done a little bit of research, and now I know. Always kinda wondered. The index finger up is the difference. If the thumb is not extended, that becomes the gangster/rapper symbol I’m not really trying to reference. So it’s the thumb, index, and little finger I’m talking about…if this is detail you care about!! :)

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There is nothing like the experience of being full of good intentions, absolutely brimming with positive optimism and kindness and whatnot, and then realizing that my actions were, overall, basically harmful.

I have become aware, as I clear off the artificial coating of applied shame from my reflective, honest Heart, that what I do does matter, far more than I thought it did. Far from being an unworthy imposter, I affect everyone I come in contact with. My need to be aggressively helpful as a (pick one): way to prop up my ego, way to make my own surroundings and daily experiences less distressing for me, or way to avoid doing the much less glamorous work of cleaning up my own soul - this is no longer a trait I can place in any good category.

Part of where I’m coming from, as I work and work and work on placing words to concepts and trying to come up with actionable techniques and strategies and stories for my own unbalanced soul, is the realization that there really is very little neutral territory as regards relationships. We affect people, and we can do no harm, or we can do some harm. It’s hard to do nothing at all.

I think that my energy is far better spent on my own disarray than on yours. I think that my tendency to fall over when I try to deal with anger, shame, or fear, is a more pressing issue than me seeing you wobble a bit over there. I feel some chagrin at my eagerness to charge ahead and be helpful, when I so obviously need to put the work in to learn how I myself could be more balanced (stable, sane, secure).

Coming close to people who do commit to their own soul’s health and welfare is a genuinely moving experience. I am shifting (and talking about it today) from a mindset of helpfulness as a desirable pattern, to congruence, internal coherence, and honest calm as being such good attributes that they will (of course!) be helpful, wherever a person is who carries them.

(Still hoping that this discussion is…helpful, though! But less invested in that as the metric I need to pay attention to. Honestly, none of my business. Back to my own strong circle, and all the work it requires.)

Happy Friday, and blessings as you work on your own “stuff,” because that work does pay off for everyone around you.

This is a sampling of a few pretty long and not all that interesting videos (unless of course you are me!) from this morning. I had a lovely time. I think you can see that Tundra is well and truly immersed in a whole bunch of Just Right Challenges, as am I, clearly!

The winter finally broke. The warmth is finally here. And all those long days of putting in time, “trudging” through my interactions with my animals in the dark and cold and very unfriendly conditions, mean now that I have very little left to do but just, well, get on and ride. She’s almost there.

I’m so very happy, and I’m so very much enjoying the complete lack of drama of this whole last few steps. Of course there’s ever so much more for both of us to work on, but the main things - standing still, moving off, accepting all the tack, and most of all, her believing that I want to do good by my beautiful buckskin mare - are all here. I’m really glad I took the time to go slow, and I’m also glad I took the time, period.

There’s probably life lessons in all of this - but I’m a little too blissed out to think about them just now. Feel free to enjoy the lovely weather along with me. And my horse. So great!!

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You are getting to watch me figure this out in real time, and are my first audience as I build it from scratch - so definitely feel free to provide some feedback!

I’m trying to use a visual/graphical approach to hacking my emotional upsets and imbalances. Given how life is, there is no shortage of opportunities for me to practice, but this video is me attempting to process a run with (well, mostly without) Kyrie the other day.

For me, the most apparent strong emotion in my “home” is always going to be a mentally seated Fear. This is always going to seem reasonable and rational, and it will tend to push me (if it’s strong enough) into a physical Anger. My blind spot is the emotional vertex of the triangle. I don’t like all the Shame that I feel there, so I try to shield myself from my Heart. That last bit - realizing I have a determined reluctance to “look at my image in the mirror” - is liberating. It is helping me to question my own tacit acceptance of all that unbalanced shame, and maybe spend the time to examine whether it’s justified. (It’s really not, and it’s really not helping me relate in healthy ways with other people).

You are likely quite different from me, and may have a totally different preferred focus, secondary strategy, and blind spot than do I. This is me just trying to draw out in a visual form how I think this model can work both against, and (with some conscious effort) for me. I do want to be in balance, be congruent with my true values, and to relate with others in reality.

Kyrie is the sweetest dog ever, but she can’t really multitask all that well. This is exasperating, and can be dangerous. Not her fault, and not mine either. Simply informative for next steps. My strong feelings are data, but they don’t need to drive my actions. Not anymore.

See what you think of where I’m going with this. I think it could be helpful for you as you try to manage the intense personalities of your inner team. Let alone how you relate with other people on the “outside” of your circle of control.

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A shorter podcast, today. Probably because this is still not my favourite topic, although I’m getting more comfortable with my Heart, and her capabilities.

Shame as an obscuring coat of muck on a mirror is the image I’m using. I don’t think shame is useful, in and of itself, but perhaps its appearance in my heart space can let me know that some cleaning is necessary. I may be applying its sticky “paint” to hide myself from myself, or to hide me from others, or to hide others from me.

And, you know, the alternative to sinking into a pit of shame is to move away from idealism, away from perfectionism or any sort of -ism, and into a practical place of being able to “do better.” Because we all have faults, and flaws, or at least deficient areas that could do with some real work, not the image-enhancing, status-seeking misdirection we tend to employ instead.

My Heart as a reflective, honest, and somewhat washable surface is a pretty good starting point for moving towards my true north, or for entering relationships as myself, rather than a filtered and enhanced version of myself.

I’m not all bad. I’m not all good, either. I’m just…complicated and somewhat energy-intensive. Just like you.

From my Heart to yours: less judgement, and far more creative, practical living.

Well, anyone who’s had a reaction to a vaccine will know exactly how my horse herd is feeling these last few days. Poor Tundra can’t quite reach the ground because her neck is that sore. I had to put a manger in the alley so she can get some supper. The price of being safe against tetanus, West Nile, East and West influenza…but you know, I was able to include those necessary shots inside the envelope of our relationships, and onward we go. I’m clearly something to the horses, and they are something to me, too.

I’m creating a more concrete picture in my Mind as to how my Heart functions, and how it feels when she is tipping over - on the one side, into too much self-absorption, worrying how I look to other people; and on the other side, too much self-denial, worrying how I affect other people and magnifying the danger of those effects. In Enneagram terms - my focus on my image is eclipsing my ability to remember who I am, and to love from my true Heart.

So, shame is my indicator of a Heart out of balance. In the centre, between the two extremes, is a tripod (as I’m scribbling it out) built, firstly, of my own belief in my worth, which is intrinsic, unshakeable, granted by God. There is also a second leg of remorse, or the right action of guilt where I take responsibility for doing harm and work to make amends (or at least apologize with recognition for harm done). Finally there is the creative and unique way that I connect with other Hearts around me.

If I can find those three legs, and stand firmly on them, I should be able to navigate emotionally forward without falling down into Shame puddles, or ditches, or ravines.

I’d like that. I’ve avoided my Heart’s efforts to speak, to act, and to inform me of what I truly feel, because of applied shame, and unbalanced shame, and a confusion as to the source of shame vs guilt. I’m clearing that up, slowly, and it is giving me so much more space to receive from others what I’ve always wanted - warm acceptance, and honest, gracious, love.

Happy windy Wednesday! I hope this day for you includes the type of soft generosity my horse just offered me. There are so many lovely hearts around us. Hers is a favourite of mine.

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I tell you, this concept is hands down the most hope-inspiring, door-opening, space-making one I can remember stumbling upon in a long time. If ever. I can’t even begin to quantify how many small and large ways this could help me be safer, stronger, and happier in my world. Balancing the elemental powers of anger, fear and shame, and finding how they can work for me, rather than simply as destructive and chaotic forces operating against my being, is unbelievably liberating.

I won’t say much more than that, as this podcast is already an hour long. I hope you can find time to listen, and even better, respond! Please think about the way these often scary forces work in your life, and if you have the skill and dexterity to harness them, balance them, and turn them into friends. If you have any hacks or wisdom to share, I’d love to hear it!

Meanwhile, consider this even more of an introduction to a large topic - balancing our inner world and creating the opportunity to use all of our energy, rather than needing to simply shrink ourselves down to “acceptable,” and palatable levels, for others.

Happy Friday. Happy fence-sitting. Happy balancing in the middle of those teeter-totters, and making space for our growing, maybe even flourishing, souls.

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So great to have an animal show so clearly all the ways I struggle to balance my energy. I’ve been watching and rewatching this video, and also spending time in the stall with Tundra, trying to respond to the information in this video. Yes, I’m excited to get better and maybe even succeed at inserting a needle into a calm horse, but I would also like to do a much better job of staying present enough to defend myself, even when I’m emotionally dealing.

This is exactly the point of Equine Facilitated Wellness, and clearly I’m in need of some.

Where I am today, having processed this at some length (although I’m far from done), is that I struggle to calibrate my fear, shame and anger so that they can serve me, rather than the reverse.

I’m pretty comfortable dealing with fear. I mean, it’s no fun, but I’m a little more accepting of its presence and have some strategies now to cope and even manage it, with more overall success. However anger is also a “positive negative” if you know what I mean. Anger is how we defend our space, create clear boundaries, and feel safe in the world. Anger directed towards our own limits and fences (this is directly from Karla McLaren, by the way), is healthy, and the appropriate activity for this extremely energetic emotion.

In this video today, I am so focused on my conversation with you, and also on my own emotional replaying of the story I’m telling (to you), that I have next to no effective anger towards Tundra’s repeated incursions into my space. It’s not that she is angry with me, either. She’s questioning, as horses do, where my boundary lies. And I, having little energy left or available, am unclear, and therefore “blurry.” She can’t enjoy that. She doesn’t enjoy that.

So, I need to allow some positive anger to well up, and I need to direct it. Not at Tundra. (Not at any person, either, who pushes up against my space in the world.) No…I just need to use the anger to create a sturdy enough barrier that it communicates as solid to the other party.

This is tricky. Anger is, like fear and shame, slippery. It’s easy to lose hold and start to throw it (like a fiery flamethrower) outside of my space and at “attackers.” That’s aggressive, violent, and wrong. It’s also very unfair. I have no more right to invade another person’s (or horse’s) space, than they do me. Our anger is here to help us steady ourselves, and create a personal distance between members of a social group. It’s not at all necessary, or even particularly helpful, to extend it beyond my own strong circle.

What you will watch here is me struggling for balance and being wobbly enough that my horse is also a little tippy. Not a big problem, but certainly a next hard thing for me. I’m going to try, today, and going forward, to allow myself to feel my anger, manage it, keep it firmly and precisely within a distance I set (and which I try to communicate with clarity), but NOT use it against anyone else.

In trying this initially this morning in the stall, I had to use about 10 repetitions of entering the stall with big energy, to create the beginning of some understanding that my space is now extending further than 3” from my body. Tundra was understandably surprised, a little concerned, but able to figure it out.

I now need to go (grow!) against my defaults (where I tend to forget my Body, and thus lose my energy to protect it). I need to remember my own “rules!” This is super hard for me, but I’m going to try for Tundra’s sake. It’s absolutely unfair if I change the parameters of our relationship one day, and then revert back the next.

Anyway, none of this relates to the stated purpose of the video, which is me trying to get over my hangups about injections. It’s an “extra.” In this case, though, I think the subtext is probably at least as interesting as the transcript.

See what you think!

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