One Hard Thing Substack Podcast

Well, anyone who’s had a reaction to a vaccine will know exactly how my horse herd is feeling these last few days. Poor Tundra can’t quite reach the ground because her neck is that sore. I had to put a manger in the alley so she can get some supper. The price of being safe against tetanus, West Nile, East and West influenza…but you know, I was able to include those necessary shots inside the envelope of our relationships, and onward we go. I’m clearly something to the horses, and they are something to me, too.

I’m creating a more concrete picture in my Mind as to how my Heart functions, and how it feels when she is tipping over - on the one side, into too much self-absorption, worrying how I look to other people; and on the other side, too much self-denial, worrying how I affect other people and magnifying the danger of those effects. In Enneagram terms - my focus on my image is eclipsing my ability to remember who I am, and to love from my true Heart.

So, shame is my indicator of a Heart out of balance. In the centre, between the two extremes, is a tripod (as I’m scribbling it out) built, firstly, of my own belief in my worth, which is intrinsic, unshakeable, granted by God. There is also a second leg of remorse, or the right action of guilt where I take responsibility for doing harm and work to make amends (or at least apologize with recognition for harm done). Finally there is the creative and unique way that I connect with other Hearts around me.

If I can find those three legs, and stand firmly on them, I should be able to navigate emotionally forward without falling down into Shame puddles, or ditches, or ravines.

I’d like that. I’ve avoided my Heart’s efforts to speak, to act, and to inform me of what I truly feel, because of applied shame, and unbalanced shame, and a confusion as to the source of shame vs guilt. I’m clearing that up, slowly, and it is giving me so much more space to receive from others what I’ve always wanted - warm acceptance, and honest, gracious, love.

Happy windy Wednesday! I hope this day for you includes the type of soft generosity my horse just offered me. There are so many lovely hearts around us. Hers is a favourite of mine.

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I tell you, this concept is hands down the most hope-inspiring, door-opening, space-making one I can remember stumbling upon in a long time. If ever. I can’t even begin to quantify how many small and large ways this could help me be safer, stronger, and happier in my world. Balancing the elemental powers of anger, fear and shame, and finding how they can work for me, rather than simply as destructive and chaotic forces operating against my being, is unbelievably liberating.

I won’t say much more than that, as this podcast is already an hour long. I hope you can find time to listen, and even better, respond! Please think about the way these often scary forces work in your life, and if you have the skill and dexterity to harness them, balance them, and turn them into friends. If you have any hacks or wisdom to share, I’d love to hear it!

Meanwhile, consider this even more of an introduction to a large topic - balancing our inner world and creating the opportunity to use all of our energy, rather than needing to simply shrink ourselves down to “acceptable,” and palatable levels, for others.

Happy Friday. Happy fence-sitting. Happy balancing in the middle of those teeter-totters, and making space for our growing, maybe even flourishing, souls.

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So great to have an animal show so clearly all the ways I struggle to balance my energy. I’ve been watching and rewatching this video, and also spending time in the stall with Tundra, trying to respond to the information in this video. Yes, I’m excited to get better and maybe even succeed at inserting a needle into a calm horse, but I would also like to do a much better job of staying present enough to defend myself, even when I’m emotionally dealing.

This is exactly the point of Equine Facilitated Wellness, and clearly I’m in need of some.

Where I am today, having processed this at some length (although I’m far from done), is that I struggle to calibrate my fear, shame and anger so that they can serve me, rather than the reverse.

I’m pretty comfortable dealing with fear. I mean, it’s no fun, but I’m a little more accepting of its presence and have some strategies now to cope and even manage it, with more overall success. However anger is also a “positive negative” if you know what I mean. Anger is how we defend our space, create clear boundaries, and feel safe in the world. Anger directed towards our own limits and fences (this is directly from Karla McLaren, by the way), is healthy, and the appropriate activity for this extremely energetic emotion.

In this video today, I am so focused on my conversation with you, and also on my own emotional replaying of the story I’m telling (to you), that I have next to no effective anger towards Tundra’s repeated incursions into my space. It’s not that she is angry with me, either. She’s questioning, as horses do, where my boundary lies. And I, having little energy left or available, am unclear, and therefore “blurry.” She can’t enjoy that. She doesn’t enjoy that.

So, I need to allow some positive anger to well up, and I need to direct it. Not at Tundra. (Not at any person, either, who pushes up against my space in the world.) No…I just need to use the anger to create a sturdy enough barrier that it communicates as solid to the other party.

This is tricky. Anger is, like fear and shame, slippery. It’s easy to lose hold and start to throw it (like a fiery flamethrower) outside of my space and at “attackers.” That’s aggressive, violent, and wrong. It’s also very unfair. I have no more right to invade another person’s (or horse’s) space, than they do me. Our anger is here to help us steady ourselves, and create a personal distance between members of a social group. It’s not at all necessary, or even particularly helpful, to extend it beyond my own strong circle.

What you will watch here is me struggling for balance and being wobbly enough that my horse is also a little tippy. Not a big problem, but certainly a next hard thing for me. I’m going to try, today, and going forward, to allow myself to feel my anger, manage it, keep it firmly and precisely within a distance I set (and which I try to communicate with clarity), but NOT use it against anyone else.

In trying this initially this morning in the stall, I had to use about 10 repetitions of entering the stall with big energy, to create the beginning of some understanding that my space is now extending further than 3” from my body. Tundra was understandably surprised, a little concerned, but able to figure it out.

I now need to go (grow!) against my defaults (where I tend to forget my Body, and thus lose my energy to protect it). I need to remember my own “rules!” This is super hard for me, but I’m going to try for Tundra’s sake. It’s absolutely unfair if I change the parameters of our relationship one day, and then revert back the next.

Anyway, none of this relates to the stated purpose of the video, which is me trying to get over my hangups about injections. It’s an “extra.” In this case, though, I think the subtext is probably at least as interesting as the transcript.

See what you think!

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This is another place where our language is just deficient. It’s so hard to describe goodness without leaning on behavioural descriptors, and so we end up mixing up what is “well-behaved,” with being well. Two different experiences, subjectively.

And I think we all know this, at some level, because we do give ourselves passes (or I do, anyway), when I become less able to behave “acceptably,” for reasons which are mine, but which are also very real.

I want to be as clear as I can be on this point, or maybe fence, before going further into balance. Health is one way we talk about “goodness,” and it’s sort of what I’m thinking, but it’s more than that. There’s the concept of growing into one’s potential, of being true to one’s own true self, of having room to expand and develop, of (thereby) making mistakes in service of living.

Maybe the concept I’m thinking of (to contrast with the surface and strategic level of simple “good behaviour”) is wholeness, aliveness, trueness, vitality.

And yes, good behaviour is important and certainly a part of health. But sometimes to be truly alive, sane, in reality, whole, whatever, means breaking down a little, getting upset, pushing limits, or generally not going with the script. I’m sure you would agree that there are times when being well-behaved is in fact the opposite of being one’s best self.

So that’s what I’m trying to talk about here. Hard to describe, but…definitely a fence I want to keep well in place.

Happy Friday! And I’m hoping the next one is sunny and warm up here!

This was so much fun. On so many levels. I’ve been a hostage of my Mind for years now, especially when I’m with horses. My Mind is not good at physical tasks, gets worried, and starts to micromanage. By finally expanding my footing to include my Heart and my Body as equal (if not more important!) members of any particular activity, I’m finally able to mute the non-stop chattering, which tends to be comparative, competitive, controlling, and tense.

Today I was able to use my Mind’s plan (thank you!), but then tell her to take a back seat while I worked hard to counterbalance her strong energy with more embodied and heartfelt approaches. This was so lovely. For both of us. For all of us, because Tundra’s Heart, Mind, and Body were all able to be present and participate with equal respect, as well as my own inner team feeling welcome.

The upshot was that I stayed in conversation with my own feelings, and sensations, and adjusted my plans accordingly. I paced my dialogue with Tundra to her slowest, most questioning team member, and we all enjoyed the fresh spring air and a successful lesson (she and I were both still calm, alert, and happy at the end).

While this may have looked easy and natural, I would like to emphasize that it was by no means that for me. I had to really focus on my original intention of staying balanced, and in a listening stance. The more I felt successful, the happier I became, the more my Mind wanted to jump in with extra, better, and farther projects. This was and is how I experience becoming unbalanced, so often. A pleasant feeling escalates to an exhilaration that feeds momentum and soon I am completely dissociated and speeding away on a mental task focus that has left the real world way back somewhere in my shadow.

Thankfully, I remembered just in time that what I really am focusing on here is connection, not improved control. Connection and effective, nuanced, but clear communication is the real win, not the sensation of “getting all the way.”

You may experience becoming unbalanced very differently. That’s fine. The thing that is so helpful is to name it as such, and to figure out that you can lean against your own tendencies, and find a completely different experience than your normal patterns of “tippiness.”

Wishing you a wonderful, breezy, warm, spring Wednesday! With all the balance!

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How does balance look and feel, and how does a lack of balance look and feel? Different depending on whether it’s our head, heart, or body looking and feeling, but I bet you can relate to the many ways we fall down, or get shoved (or pushed, pulled, dragged…). Being balanced in our world is not easy, and it certainly isn’t one-dimensional in any respect.

Kicking off this new “season” of podcasting on the topic of balance, and how we can give ourselves tools to stay more sturdy and secure, I’m describing the contrasts I’ve noted between mental, physical, and emotional equilibrium, as well as how it can feel to lose our “centre,” three ways.

It’s important to reduce falls and fall risks. A good first step is knowing that we can fall, and tracking the warning sensations of a loss of balance before it turns into a soft, or hard, landing. Come sit on this fence with me and check out how balanced you stay, looking off into the distance, and then down at the ground, noticing how you feel, absorbing information while also keeping a strong hold of your own opinions…not that simple. But a great way to spend a part of your Friday!

Kicking off this year of working on balance, I’m walking on a truly muddy/icy/watery driveway. Horses don’t like putting their feet in reflective surfaces (fair), so this is a great opportunity to practice puddle crossings.

So much of how I’ve approached horsemanship (and also people-ship, sigh) has been unbalanced, but in a specific way and direction and tilt that is mine. And that’s the thing. If I look at another person doing something I want to get better at (say, on youtube), I am going to see a person who is working on balance by countering their own tendencies for extremes. Mine may not be the same tendencies, and so what they do/say in a pressured situation may not reflect what would be most helpful for me, in that very same situation.

So the first step, as makes a lot of sense, is to become more aware of my own “lean.” I’m starting to create a little checklist, and also to colour it in with stories, and that’s going to be developed further in this Substack, but for now, it’s enough to know that my Mind tends to rush. If I’m going to tilt in any particular direction, it’s forward, towards a strategic goal that takes over my vision and attention in general.

Combating that requires me (possibly not you!) to slow down, remember my Heart’s values (trust, affection, ongoing communication about all the feelings), and also keep track of my Body’s need for care and close attention to obstacles. Today, that is ice, varying depths of water, slippery slush, and a happy horse in heat.

“Control is not the goal” continues to be an important mantra as a balance reaction for me when I start hyper focusing, and forgetting about other factors (little alliteration for you there).

And, as always, this is about any relationship. You can think about how you approach a tricky (muddy) stretch with anyone you love or care about. You are going to work hard to avoid some extremes, but these may not be the same for the other, connected, individual. Just knowing that all of us are a little out of plumb at any given time is a great way to keep one’s sense of humour. Really, it’s a good thing whenever we can keep our footing, especially in spring.

It’s good to be back. Hope you can join me on this Wednesday walk. 🍃

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Good Friday is here, whether I’m ready or not. I’m not, and that’s kind of the point of this fence. I don’t think I need to be. God came down, and did the work, and there is a lot that is available to me when I am ready, which is to say, not yet. But there it is. That’s how grace seems to work - it waits, and allows me to be…rather than do, for the love to travel.

I’m here, now, and I expect God is near. But to fully deal with that? Hmm. I think my spiritual practices these days are a lot more about straw and stalls and suppers…and yet I believe the love is here, anyway, like a lake is both deeply stationary, and also flowing and cycling and transforming all the time.

Already and not yet is a paradox (a fence) that works well with this particular holy day. You’re welcome to join me.

This follows yesterday’s post quite closely. I’m really excited about this reboot for my brain. It may look the same as all the other walks, but let me tell you, it feels like there are way more possibilities going forward! With far more “Home-like” feelings attached!.

To recap: I’ve thought of lead ropes, leashes, and the more abstract connections between me and people I care about in many of the same ways. That is, I am responsible for keeping a very tight grasp on the situation. I need to ensure pace, distance, focus, and manners (for both of us), all stay well within my vision of the point of it all. This is, of course, quite tiring for all concerned.

It’s not that I enjoy being this invested in control; I just didn’t have another option in my tiny little brain. The idea of letting the other person (as represented by Tundra here, so beautifully) just make their own path, follow their own nose, be their own nervous system, and my grip on the rope between us being simply a signal of where I am in relation…? This is much less work.

It turns out that Tundra is all sorts of friendly, and wants to be with me. She just has some valid concerns, questions, and needs. As do I. We both can use the rope to communicate, in other words. She may need to come in, or move away, or just stop a bit, depending on what she is perceiving around her. I can, similarly, choose to orient myself to her, to my own plan, or to our surroundings. Together, we can create a collaborative adventure that is less about behaviour (although let’s both of us please be safe for each other), and more about getting to know the other through shared interests and exploration.

This new story about how we are connected requires trust, commitment to ongoing “talking,” and also a lot of active listening and response in real time. I like this. It helps me to stay present.

I also have relinquished a great deal of control of what happens. We are going to co-create a story together, which means I can have ideas, but so can she (or, in a case of human relating, you). This is altogether more relaxed and relaxing. It doesn’t allow me to focus on productivity, but I suspect that isn’t my top priority in a relationship such as I would like to have with my horse (or with you).

I have to smile at those of you reading who (again) due to different life trajectories learned this early and well, and therefore find it all almost too simple to bother saying. It is not at all that way for me. I’m pretty excited about revamping my current (very small) circle of regular interactions with human people to copy this little walk with my lovely and oh so present mare.

One hard thing, becoming much less hard…

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Having spent most of my life inhabiting the biggest of big picture thinking, I am contemplating (!) the healing properties of a very small area in which I can live and move, instead.

It’s probably good (occasionally!) to pan out and see a huge view, a long timescape, and think about noble and pressing “causes,” but for me, right now, it’s much better to come back to my own body, feel my feet on the ground, look around me in the here and now, and do the next right thing. Which is usually some form of chores, cooking or cleaning. Sigh.

For any of you who feel confined, constrained, or “stuck,” this might be a reframe that resonates. I hope so, anyway. As usual, there’s no right answer, but there’s lots to think about whichever way you face, on a fence. Happy Friday! Please join me in a meditation on: small stuff.