Oops All Monsters

What happens when you take a Reagan-era drug cult messiah, acorporate-dystopian Detroit on the brink of private-sector takeover, and automatic policing?  2021!  JK - You get Robocop 2, and with it, the Robocop universe's most menacing of charismatic cultists, refitted as a chrome-plated killing machine; none other than ROBOCAIN. 

Grab your Sunblock 5000 and your cassette full of Nuke injectors, it's time to strap in and fast forward to 2028.  I'd buy that for a dollar!

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Fred Savage & Daniel Stern destroy the fabric of time and space in this juvenile, piss-swilling, child-stealing, punk rock nightmare. You know...for kids!

Also featuring Tom Hardy's dumpy Myspace photo, Gremlin abuse, excessive Culkinism, and The Burbs' The Klopek family. 

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Toss on your sailor's cap, and dust off your penicillin, because this week we dive into the deep end with TENTACLES, the surprisingly ambitious, unflinching ripoff of Jaws that takes more left turns than a UPS truck in San Francisco. 

If you're not afraid of giant octopodes, perhaps you will be by the end of this film but if not, I can guarantee you'll be afraid of fat Italian producers and killer whale-wrangling rednecks.  An all-star cast including Henry Fonda, Shelley Winters, John Huston and Bo Hopkins delivers as best they can manage alongside the transformative soundtrack of Stelvio Cipriani to make this wild cash grab curiously watchable. Five out of Eight Tentacles. 

Gavin bursts out of the brackish London floodwaters with this week's haphazard, but fully-loaded assault on screenwriting, the 1992 Rutger-Hauer vehicle SPLIT SECOND. 

Starring Rutger Hauer, Alastair Duncan and Kim Katrall, Hauer plays Detective Harley Stone, who hunts down the mysterious serial killer who murdered his partner.  Unfortunately, a late screenwriting decision turned the killer into a half-assed Spirit Halloween version of the Xenomorph from Aliens, OR a Costco brand Venom, but don't overthink it, the filmmakers definitely didn't. 

Also discussed:  2012's Dredd with Karl Urban, and Tom Hardy as a young drunk

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The Rubber masked that launched a billion t-shirts!

We break format for this time for a fun-sized discussion that's a hangover from Spooky Season, wherein we bring on our friend Fuzz to discuss the 1940s serial spookstar and Modern Age horror punk icon THE CRIMSON GHOST. 

So strap on your boots, polish your studs, and grease down your devil locks, because it's time get both very goth, AND very masculine somehow, with the early 20th century's least consensual Scoobie Doo bad guy...no not Glenn Danzig, The Crimson Ghost.  Don't worry, you don't have to go to New Jersey. 

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The sludgy embodiment of The Dave Matthew's Band's 800 pound excrement deluge, The Armus has the ignominious title of first Star Trek: The Next Generation monster to end the life of a main cast character, making it even more odd that it turns out to be a petty, vindictive little jagoff. 

Hess breaks down this sentient sludge-pool in our first take on the Trek-o-verse, and examines where it works, where it don't, and how sometimes manipulative feces monsters are also annoying dudes you meet at punk parties. Or vice versa?  Don't overthink it.  That's our job. 

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One final dose of spooky season delivered to rattle your bones, Gavin & Hess team up in this zero seriousness, potpourri, grab bag of an episode exploring various aspects of the often-exploited, under-appreciated, expensively-replicated momento mori that lives within all of us - 

SKELETONS!!!

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Chris Sarandon acts the tits right off your face in this 1985 classic creature feature co-starring Roddy-effing-Mcdowall, Amanda Bearse's luminous skin and delightful acting, and Herman from Herman's Head. 

Are you ready to get 80s, because it's getting 80s.  What's the secret message underneath the original two Fright Night films? Hint, it has to do with the sex toys under Tim Kono's bed.  Also: Nicholas Cage, Girl Talk, Vampire The Masquerade, Dog Day Afternoon, and why Bronson Pinchot won't stop screaming in The Langoliers.  Don't listen to this episode if you're a coward. 

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You're not appreciating Brendan Frasier enough. Gavin unwinds this tale of ancient origins and hollywood nightmares ranging from before Napoleon's men started the mummy-theft craze to Boris Karloff's iconic 1932 film, into the 21st century. 

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Content Warning: references to a real life sexual molestation & accidental hanging

Hess closes out the generational trauma of humanity's vague, greasy replacements, sorting out the final implications of the cold war's REAL anxiety, and laying the blame where it really belongs. 

We learn about Invasion 78 with Donald Sutherland, 1999's only weirdo millennials and drugs can save us popcorn flick The Faculty, and sleepy Nicole Kidman vehicle The Invasion (2007).

Also Jeff Goldblum, and Spooky Scary Skeletons.

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