On last week I asked a few questions, that I hope you took time to answer or yourselves or took them into consideration. Today, I'll address a few things that I experienced as a stepchild. I was about nine years old at the time of my stepdads' family reunion, when a relative of his approached saying to him, Man you have two beautiful little girls. Now, you would think that his reply would be that of joy, but his response horrified me to the core of my being.
His reply out of all the things to say in a little kids' presence was, this one is mine, this one isn't. I felt so unwanted in that moment, I was too embarrassed to cry in front of compplete strangers, and I did not feel apart of that family from that day forth. Okay, I hear the GASPS!! I also hear those of you saying what's the big deal? Here's the deal. A nine year old little girl should feel as though she belongs somewhere and is loved, wouldn't you say?
I never met my biological dad, because of extenuating circumstances that I learned about once I turned thirteen, so when my mother announced to me that she was getting married, I was excited and said good now I can have a dad. I should have known by our first meeting that he didn't really care to be a stepdad, because he told me that I didn't have to call him daddy.
Ladies and Gentlmen, it's important to get understanding in your relationships when there are blended families. Noone is there to replace the biological parent, but you should want your mate to love your child as their own. You do not want your child to feel like they do not belong or to have ill will towards your mate or his or her chirldren. Believe me, chirlren watch everything down to how much food you put on each ones' plate, the time spent, clothes that are purchased, how they are treated and if different they notice, the affection given or the lack of, and how you communicate with them. There are a lot of things that as parents we miss, but we should be aware of what our kids are witnessing especially when they are introduced to a different family dynamic. They need to know that they're loved by all parties involved.
From the statement my stepdad made in front of me, it caused a hole in my heart so deep, and noone knew, because I stayed silent. I began to withdraw myself from around him. That statement created feelings of rejection, that festered throughout my life. Remember in my first episode, I said we suffr in silence with these wounds and where did it begin? For me, it was that family reunion. At that moment I had no clue of what to say or do, should I tell, who could I tell, after all it was my sisters' dad who said it and he was an adult.
I saw that my mother was happy so, I just stuffed what I felt, never to speak of it to anyone until adulthood, when the wounds started showing up in different parts of my life. I knew I was in trouble. When the wounds go untreated they get worse. That would caused so much turmoil in my life especially as a youth. It took the shape of feeling unwanted, rejected, becoming rebellious, lying, drinking, and sexual promiscuity, but that's not the worst of it. It gets better.
The second bombshell dropped and I thought you could see my heart shattered into pieces, because I know I felt my chest split in half, but it was just my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach.
The bombshell my mother told me, that I was conceived by rape, I was thirteen at this time. All I could do is look at her with numbness in my eyes, not knowing what to say, do or think. I went away with so many thoughts, but I never cried. I could not imagine what my mother felt at her age when this happened to her. Then I thought, now I can understand why my dad was never around. Then I started thinking, well why did my mother keep me? I wanted to DIE!!!
The pain I was experiencing was so severe, I started drinking a shot of Teacher's Imported Whiskey everyday when I got home from school just to numb the pain. Rebellion sparked and by age fifteen it was full blown cancer in that wound. It needed to be treated, but it had gone for too long and caused all manner of destruction in my life.
How many of you have had similiar wounds? How many of you are still dealing with wounds from your childhood? If you don't deal with it, it will affect your whole life. It will affect your decision making, relationship choices, how you raise your kids, if you decide to have kids or not, how you deal with conflict, and your attitude or moods. It affects so many areas of your life.
Once I found out I still had unaddressed wounds, I started to journal my thoughts. Of course this was much later in my life, but it helped. I tapped into my faith, but I didn't find religion, I found relationship with my Heavenly Father, and healing began to take place, the more I read, the more my heart began to soften. The tears that never fell, began to flow and sometime uncontrollably.
My life began to change little by little. Do I still have areas or moments that the wounds cause pain? Yes and No. Yes, when I see little girls playing with their dad and on Father's Day, and when I see young ladies and even young men acting out or seem to be struggling in life. I always wonder if they had a past like mine or was theirs worse? The No is because I realizd through the Word of God, that he is the best Father I could ever have. He never let me down, he provided for me, he never left me alone, he comforted me, I could talk to him about anything and not feel judged, he disciplined me with his love and always told me the truth according to his word. He healed my open wounds and began to stitch those pieces that were broken back together again with his love.
Here are a few scriptures I would like to share with you in hopes that they bring some form of peace to your heart.
Proverbs 3:5-8
5. Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. 6. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize him, and he will make your paths straight and smooth (removing obstacles that block your way). 7. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord (with reverent awe and obedience) and turn (entirely) away from evil. 8. It will be health to your body (your marrow, your nerves, your sinews, your muscles, all you inner parts) and refreshment (physical well-being) to your bones.
Phillipians 4:6-7
6. Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything (every circumstance and situation) by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your (specific) requests known to God. 7. And the peace of God (that peace which reassures the heart, that peace) which transcends all understanding, (that peace which) stands guard over your heats and minds in Christ Jesus (is yours).
I pray that my story can help you in your journey to healing the wounds of your past and those that you may be dealing with presently. I pray that with time you will be able to look at life with a new set of eyes and that peace, comfort and joy will be a daily dose to your life.
I know that sometimes when we go through adversity we feel like noone else is experiencing it, but most of the time, people just suffer in silence afraid to open up, and this is why I decided to share my story with you.
To learn more of how I overcame the wounds of my past subscribe, its truly healing for the mind, body, spirit, and soul.
Thanks for listening.
