One of the most important things to do in order to love again, is to forgive the person, yourself, and learn from past mistakes. We all have an idea of what love should be like, but if we were wounded from childhood, and never received counsel, or never got over the pain from it. We tend to base love on false reality, the reality that love may sometime hurt and be abusive, it may cheat on you, and drag you through the mud. NO! Love should not be painful, it will not tear you down, it will not call you out of your name, it will not withhold anything good from you.

Love is kind, gentle, caring, concern, patient, true and honest. People have warped senses of what love can and should be.  Jesus showed us what love is, by dying for us on Calvary.  I'm not saying that we should die for someone to prove our love, but when we love someone the sacrifice to save someone's life, is that you would lay down your life to save the one you love. 

In order to truly love again, you must love yourself, be honest with yourself about the mistakes you made and take accountability for them. Do not and I repeat do not play a victim's role, that it was always someone else's fault to why you got hurt, sometimes in all actuality we are the orchestrator of our hurt. Why? Because we never healed from the damage that was done years ago, before this person came into your life and damaged you. Your heart was already messed up, and you had so much baggage that you didn't realize that it was weighing you down. The individual tried to show you love, but you didn't know how to receive it. What happens is, we turn and run in and out of peoples lives causing them harm to the point that they can't take it anymore and then they retaliate. This leaves a trail of dysfunctional relationships behind you, and when you try to start over you can't for fear of failure.

For me to show you how to love again, you would need to take time for yourself to heal. Re-evaluate how you have contributed to your heartache and see what you can do to change that part of your personality or character flaw. One of the hardest things a person can do is evaluate themselves and find fault in themselves, but it is easy to find fault in others.  Learn from past mistakes in relationships, go through all your baggage and clean it out, from past, present and even future relationships, do not take past issues into present life. Learn how to communicate your thoughts, dreams, feelings, be open to discusss your likes and dislikes, examine common interests, and most importantly for me is, your belief system. What is your faith life about? Does your faith line up with mine? You must find common ground and build on it. The one thing I learned was to be open to new things and communicate effectively, so there would be no misconceptions. Allow the man to be the man, and let him pursue you. Allow the friendship to build, get to know each other, put the Lord at the forefront of your relationship. Pray together, study the word of God together. Be able to relay when something is hurtful to you, don't make excuses about things that have hurt you, and be willing to explain it to your partner. Be able to accept apologies for mistakes, because we all make them; and should learn from them. 

Moving on can be scary, but it can be done. Allow the healing to take place so the Lord can prepare you for his blessings. We tend to see something we want and because it looks appealing so we want it, but it is not what the Lord had planned for us, then we find ourselves in a bad place. Take time to heal from the wounds of your past.

Job 8:7 says: And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great.

I know that my latter days now are much better than the days I have behind me, I am so grateful for where the Lord has brought me, and even though those things that are behind me hurt me, they cultivated me, to who I am today.

Romans 8:26 says: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Sometimes we just have to cry out to the Lord for direction, sometimes that's all that is needed. The Lord wants to hear from you, he know's what's best for each one of us, and he knows what it's going to take to get our attention, we just need to trust him and his process, because when we do things our own way it tends to fail us. 

Philippians 3:13 says: Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.

I no longer worry about yesterday, I am more optimistic of what life has in store for me presently and in the future. The pain of my past is just that, my past.  I walk now in victory from being healed by the word of the Lord, he renewed my strength and I have a praise on the inside that noone can take away. 

My prayer for you is that you will allow the Lord to take you through the healing process, understand that you are not alone and others are facing trials, struggles and hardships just like you. You are definitely not alone, there are others that have overcome, and are victorious, because they chose to allow the Lord to take them through the healing process.  Take that time for yourself so that you can be healed from the wounds of your past. Then you, will be able to love again.

As always I thank you for listening to my podcast, I pray it has helped you and that you find love again, I pray that you will take what has been said and apply it to your life. I don't confess knowing all things about life, but I have been through enough life disappointments to know what helped me and is still helping me. Everyone is different, but I do pray that this podcast helps you in your healing process. Just know that there is healing for your mind, body, spirit and soul.

Today we will discuss: What Do I Have to Offer? I recall some years ago while in my mid-twenties, I asked myself; what do I have to offer? Of course this was after several disappointments in relationships that failed. I thought the relationships were actually going somewhere, but I found out that they were very toxic to my mental health and well-being. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in this mental state asking different questions of ourselves, because we feel like we are not worthy of anything good. I know this happens in everyone's life at some point, especially with disappointment in relationships, jobs and in life general. The funny thing about disappointment is that it teaches a valuable lesson. That is to search deep within yourself to find out what caused the disappointment? What were you looking for in the relationship that you didn't get? What expectations did you place on the individual that was not rational, or maybe it was rational, and they just didn't measure up to your expectations? 

Most disappointmens happen, because of expectations being too high for the individual to achieve. We have to realize that as expectations have been placed on us by our parents, friends, or colleagues, that we struggle to appease them, but it's not in our hearts or it's not our passion.

What do you have to offer? Search your heart and mind, see what makes you tick. Parents may want you to be a doctor, but you may love music, law, science, psychology. You maybe one that wants to make a difference in peoples lives or in your community. It doesn't make you less important, if you chose to be a dog walker or the President, your human and trying to find your place in this world. People can put damaging wounds on others because of their expectations of you. Be the best version of yourself, find your voice and use it. 

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I had to come to the reality about my own life. I found myself trying to impress my mother, because of our strained relationship, trying to obtain love or acknowledgement from her, trying to show her that I am worthy of her love. My mind was warped due to me being born from rape, I felt like I had to validate my life, to make it count for something. I finally realized that it was not making me happy, I was miserable, and my heart was hurt because of my expectations. When you get to a place in life and find out just how damaged you are, and why you do certain things, the purpose of them and the outcomes that you hoped for don't manifest, you set yourself up for failure and disillusionment, then you walk away with clarity. You begin to search out ways to better yourself for you and noone else. 

Galatians 1:10 is about you not seeking the approval of man, or trying to please man. You will begin to seek approval from the Lord once you start seeking after the plan the Lord has for your life, you'll begin to pray asking him to direct your footsteps, to lead you and guide you on the path he designed for you.

Proverbs 16: 3 commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be establlished. 

We all have different gifts, talents, we use them to the best of our abilities, not to be in competition with someone else. Most people have these invisible competitions with others, and they didn't even know there was a competition. 

I remember during the holidays our family would come together and sometimes there would be cooking rivals, if someone cooked a dish and a relative opened their dish to give someone a taste the other relative would go to their dish and say no try mine first. It was invisible competition that was not necessary, trying to see who cooked the best, or who would it more of what person's dish than the other. It was maddening.  The point is no matter what you are good at or bad at you do have something to offer. 

You offer yourself, your expertise, your heart, your love, your kindness, your flaws and all. Just offer yourself and believe me, there is someone that can and will be helped by a gift that the Lord has given you. Trust the process of healing from those disappointments that caused you damage. 

As always I hope this episode helps you see that you do have something to offer and that there is truly healing for your mind, body spirit and soul.

Have a wonderful week and know that the Lord loves you and so do I.

I was created to be who the Lord has designed me to be. This episode will discuss topics that we may have all questioned ourselves about. Who are we? Am I worthy to be used by your Kingdom Lord? What am I here for? I can't find myself anymore, Who am I? 

Ephesians 1:11 states: In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will.

Ephesians 2:10 states: For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Habakkuk 2:3 states: For still the vision awaits its appointed time, it hastens to the end it will not lie. If it seems slow wait for it, it will surely come, it will not delay.

Whatever the Lord spoke to you, count on it, even though it may not look like it right now, God is not a man that he should lie nor son of man to repent of his word. Trust the Lord, his word is life to the reader. 

One reason we don't move forward and go in the same circle is, that we do not recognize a problem. It sometimes takes a few times going through the same struggle or trial to notice that there is a problem.

Once we realize the problem we don't know how to tackle it, or change it. Sometimes it's our behaviors that need to be changed, but we think that those behaviors are normal, but in fact they keep getting us into trouble, turmoil, or leave us feeling shamed, and having fear of ever getting out of this vicious circle that causes us more damage to our heart and even our mindsets.

We don't know how to plan or set goals, and even if we did, we would be afraid that we would fail. Why? Because of the negative thinking that goes on in our minds, due to fear and shame from the past. So, we have to learn how to change our way of thinking, and our behaviors.

We try to set goals that are not attainable, because we think of change as a microwaveable dish, and it's not that quick, it's not like instant oatmeal or 5 minute instant grits. We have to learn how to develop and set goals that are realistic and attainable, and we have to plan a time period.

The word of God says in Habakkuk (Amplified)  2:2-3 Then the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision and engrave it plainly on tablets So that the one who reads it will run. 3. For the vision is yet for the appointed time it hurries toward the goal; it will not fail. Even though it delays, wait for it, Because it will certainly come; it will not delay.

I had to realize once I got back into reading and studying the word of God that I had to make changes in my life. I needed to set goals, and write those goals and plans out. So I began to journal my thoughts, my aspirations, my trials, my struggles, I even wrote prayers for myself, of course this is when I recognized what those deep issues I had that were causing me to keep going in the same circle.

I remember reading II Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Ephesians 4:22-24 To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 

Once I began to read the word of the Lord, changes did gradually start taking place, not all at once. It was baby steps and was I afraid? Yes! I began to see things differently, and I began to pray asking the Lord to help me in the arears of my wickness, my fears, help me to make better decisions and choices. I ask the Lord to guide my footsteps and to give me clear direction for my life.

I was afraid of the unknown, but I was also adventrous enough to make that leap. I had to step out of my comfort zone, hold my head up high without feeling shame and guilt from past hurts or mistakes that I had made. I needed to learn how to speak positive and reject the negativity that I was speaking to myself about my past and fear of failure. It was my negative thoughts that were sabotaging my growth, both mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Our negative thinking can produce some very detrimental lies that will derail us from attaining the place that the Lord is directing us to.

Another way we stay in the same circle is that we don't have the proper tools to manage the change. Change requires patience, dedication, and instructions. We need to make sure that our thinking and behaviors will line up with the new instruction manual.

We also underestimate the process, we have to know that with major changes, there is bound to be mistakes. Just because mistakes happen doesn't mean that we have to give up, we just start over and trust the process, that the mistake happened to get our attention and keep us focused on the end results.

When do you know when you are healed from the wounds or heartbreak of your past? You will know when you are able to see your Ex-spouse or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, and have no emotions. You are actually able to speak cordially to one another, and wish each other the best. You will not have ill will towards each other.

You will be able to move on with life and not focus on the past relationships that did you harm. You will be able to do things with friends that may have reminded you of your old relationship, such as going to different restaurants, parks, and activities, and it will no longer affect you emotionally.

There are also different relationship dynamics that you need to be healed from, such as best friend relationships that may have ended and that is very painful. You will go through a grieving process. Especially with someone that you have grown up with for years and now for some reason the relationship ends and you go in different directions.

There is also the wounds or heartbreak that come from the loss of a loved one. You will go through the grieving process with that as well, it's not an overnight process or a microwaved process. I know for me it took me over 20+ years to get through the process of grieving the loss of my daughter. I finally got to a place that I wasn't down or crying and constantly thinking about what she would be like, and it just happened. I found myself in the month of June and said hey, I missed Danielle's birthday this year, not that I forgot about my babygirl, but that I was past the pain of losing her and finally accepted that she didn't make it.

What I would say to you the listener is to focus on yourself, ask yourself where do you feel broken and ask God to heal your heart. I know first hand that God will heal your wounds.

When seeking God for guidance in healing your broken

ness you need to be specific in prayer for healing of any wounds that are hindering you. You need to trust that the Lord will hear your prayers and will answer them in his time. 

Check into getting a Concordance bible to read on specific topics that you maybe dealing with. Study and seek the Lord for your healing. In his time he will heal you and deliver you from your brokenness.

So many times as women we put a smile on our face to hide our sadness. We don't want to be considered weak so we hide the tears, our fears, our pain, and we disquise it with other things. Things to keep our focus away from what we're dealing with. It's not easy to be the one in control over the life of our children as single mothers. We want what's best for them, and sometimes we endure ridicle, abuse physical, emotional, and financial just for the sake of companionship. 

Some of the areas of brokenness I had to address, were feelings of rejection. I felt that my dad abandoned me, he never searched for me, and due to his absence, it left me with emotional wounds that caused a brokenness in my heart and spirit. Another area of brokenness for me was trusting others. I felt as though, I was betrayed by others, and it also caused wounds. Those wounds built up, and caused dysfunctions in the way I thought. My mind said don't believe anything people tell you they're only out to hurt you. 

In order to find the areas of brokenness in your life, first you must be true to yourself. Be honest about how you feel when disappointed, things that hurt your heart, things that make you angry. Sometimes those things are triggers to unaddressed wounds. Why am I angry? Why do I feel depressed? What am I crying for? Why am I unlovable? Why are my relationships falling apart? These are just a few questions in searching out areas of brokenness.

Brokenness can mean a lot of things. It can be imperfections, heartbreake, physical/emotional, weakness, and not being aware of your emotions.  I recall not being able to determine certain emotions and not allowing myself to feel deep senses of love and I would pull away from relationships, because I didn't want people to get too close to my heart, for fear of them doing harm. 

So many of us are so busy building a wall of protection that we miss opportunity of embracing true love and we sabotage relationships, because of our broken areas. Those wounds that we sometimes don't realize are there or we realize it, but don't want to address it. 

Here's what the word of God says about brokenness.

Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147: 3 says He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

1 Peter 5:7 says Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 

One thing I did on my journey to healing was face one weakness at a time. I had to learn how to forgive myself and others, then I had to search out my emotions which were all over the place. I prayed, and asked the Lord to help me in my areas of weakness and brokenness. The Lord began to show me myself, and some was not pretty, but I faced them.

My prayer for you is that you'll be honest in seeking your areas of brokenness and you allow the Lord to guide you in the healing process.

As always I pray you enjoyed this episode of Open the Wound. It's truly healing for your mind, body, spirit and soul.

Thanks for listening

You know so many people walk around with the issues of unforgiveness. I know you may say, but you don't understand how badly they hurt me. Guess what by us and I say us, because I've had to forgive what seemed to be unforgivable. It is possible to forgive, if you choose to forgive the perpetrator, you loosen their power over your life. When we choose to hold on to the unforgiveness, we're allowing them to keep victimizing us repeatedly. They affect our life choices, they affect our moods, and they affect how we view people in general who never hurt us. We become victimized to the wound all over again.

When I started reading the word of God, one of the first things the Lord started dealing with me about was forgiving myself. I had to forgive Tabatha, for decisions that were made out of anger, and, I had to forgive people for their part in hurting me. I forgave my stepdad of all the things he had done to me. I could only do it by the strength of my Heavenly Father. I remember getting a call letting me know that he had passed away. At the time I was living in Florida, I spoke with my sister to see if she would take that ride with me, because I knew that she had unforgiveness in her heart towards her father, and I wanted her to find forgiveness, but she declined. He was being cremated, so I knew I had to take this trip to face the man that inflicted my first wound, along with a few others.

I drove to Savannah, Ga , it seemed as though I was flying to save the life of a loved one, Lord knows I had this sense of urgency in my spirit. Once I arrived at the funeral home, the director inquired if I was the young lady from Florida, I responded yes, sir. He asked if I was driving over 100 miles an hour, because I arrived within 5 1/2 hours of speaking with him.  The point of this is that I was pressed to get there to face that wound. I had to look at what remained of the inflictor of pain, although he was deceased, I looked at him and said I forgive you, you no longer have a hold over my life. Immediately I felt what seemed to be bricks lift off my shoulders. I felt a powerful heartbeat, something that I can't explain. Then I walked away with my head held high.

On this same trip, I decided to face my ex-husband. I found him and, in all places, he could choose to live, it was my grandmothers' old house. Really!!!

The moment I arrived and faced him my heart was beating so fast, but I completed the mission. I looked him in his eyes and told him, I'm saved now and in order for me to be forgiven, I have to forgive you for what you did to me. I forgive you for saying that I was just mad because, I lost my baby, and you had another on the way. I forgive you for tying me up and raping me repeatedly, I forgive you for beating on me and I pray that you will one day turn your life around as I have. I then asked him to forgive me for anything that I may have done to hurt him. I told him I found out that I needed to forgive him so that I can be free. He stood there with a blank look in his eyes, it was as if he was a stone, he didn't say a word. I got back into my car and yes, another strong beat of my heart and the feeling of peace came upon me. It was a warm feeling and, I started to cry and give God praise.  I shouted Lord you said that if I forgive then I'll be forgiven. I trusted what I had read in the bible, and I acted upon it, then I began to apply biblical principles (scripture) to my life regarding unforgiveness. Those were just two examples of how I faced wounds of my past, there were still so many more. I had realized that with the damage to my heart, I still had to search the stone walls of my heart to find the other invisible wounds that kept me bound. Yes, I had to search them out, remember in episode three I said we have to get to the root?

Well, my  dears, roots as you know run very deep. That's the same with wounds of the heart, you don't know how deep it runs and what it's connected to until you dig it up.

The process of healing isn't microwavable, it's a process, the same way a contractor is building a house. The contractor has to excavate the land, he has to laydown the plumbing and then pour a foundation that is sturdy enough to hold the building he is constructing. When we are trying to get to a place called healed, we have to go back and dig up the foundation and find where the problem was. Once you find out that information then you can begin to make repairs. This is why you have to examine the stone wall of your heart and chisel away at it one piece at a time. 

This scripture I read touched my heart, and I knew that I had to address the unforgiveness in my heart for those that inflicted the pain I was carrying. It had affected my life for too long and I needed to be free from it. It took me some time to get to this place, but the process is well worth what I feel in my heart today. 

Matthew 6:14-15 says: 14. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

When I read this scripture, I knew that I had done somethings wrong to hurt others, because of the hurt that I experienced, the word of God just told me that if I forgive then I will be forgiven. I had to forgive. The forgiveness was for me to be set free. 

I pray you enjoyed this episode of open the wound, and as always just know that the wounds of your pass do not have to keep you in bondage and there is truly healing for your mind, body, spirit, and soul.

The first thing in dealing with the wounds that still affect your life, is to acknowledge the problem or issue. Find out why this issue is hindering you, find the root cause of the issue, and find out why is it so bothersome to the point of controlling and affecting the course of your life. It's not an easy task to finding the root cause, but it is possible, if you seek the Lord in prayer. If you want to know the truth about yourself, seek the Lord in prayer about who you are and why you feel the way you do about life. The Lord will give you the answers if you believe. You have to trust and ask the right questions.

Wounds can be so damaging, even those that are repressed, those are the most dangerous wounds. They are the ones that disquise themselves and periodically rear their heads up when something good seems to be too good to be true and causes fear to step in. Then its those wounds that cause us to sabotage relationships, job opportunities, spiritual growth, or the opportunity to be set free from the bondage of the enemy. Those wounds that have been designed to paralye you and keep you from reaching the plan and purpose for your life. Its's a derailment tactic designed by the enemy of our souls. If he can keep us discouraged, depressed and oppressed then he has won half the battle. We, would not, be in the position, that the Lord has predestined for us.

What is predestination? It is the state of being predestined, the doctrine that God in consequence of his foreknowledge of all events infallibly guides those who are destined for salvation. Now, you ask yourself what does this have to do with wounds that are not addressed or repressed?

The wounds that you do not recall are the wounds that invisibly keep you bound they are invisible chains and locks, and they are too painful to recall on a daily basis, you have to chip away at the stones, chains, and locks that have hidden them from your sight. However, this is the same wound that when it is accidentally rubbed it lifts up and the pain you feel is that of the infection that was never cured, so like a kid you try to protect by becoming very careful with how you handle it, or you keep people away from it so they can't see or touch it.

In order for you to heal that wound that has been unaddressed, once you seek the root of the wound out, then you have to lift that scab and start addressing the different types of infections it has. You have to treat the anger, bitterness, fear, unforgiveness, possibly hate, identify the cause of the wound. The wound could be failed marriage, adultery, rape molestation, drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution, feeling unworthy, how you were treated as a youth in your home or at school, if you were bullied as a kid or sometimes as an adult, if you had a blended family, and you felt alone, if you felt like you didn't belong or you just wanted people to hear you and they shut you down, you felt rejected or abandoned. Did you feel like you mattered? Where you called names as a child? Can you identify the root cause of your unaddressed wounds? Where you molested by a relative, did someone touch you inappropriately? Were you lied to as a child and you have trust issues, because the person or persons who lied to you were people that you idolized? Were you the topic of ridicule, were you married and your spouse cheated on you or abused you and no one believed you, because he/she hid the abuse well? Were you threatened with violence if you spoke out about what you were going through and would be assaulted if you told what happened to you, or a family member that you love was threatened to be harmed as well? Were you locked up in a basement or attic and only let out to go to school or work? Where you denied food, clothing, and baths to keep you under control? Were you continously sexually assaulted by a loved one who you admired? 

These could be some root causes to your wounds and if left repressed will continue to affect and direct the course of your life and will keep you bound from the freedom that the Lord is trying to get you too. You may have even experienced the loss of a child and it just grips you so bad that you don't want to have any kids due to fear of another loss. I know, I was terrified when I found out that I was pregnant with my son, I was so fearful and I tried not to think about life with him, because I felt like I would lose him. I continued doing the drugs and living a life that was not in the best interest of the child. That's how warped my thinking had become from the wounds.

You have to begin to face some of these areas and find that one, that is holding you back, it could be several, but just deal with one at a time. Find a journal, and start writing some of your thoughts down on paper. Try to recall different relationships you had and how they affected you from the beginning to the end of them. How was your childhood, what sticks out at you the most? What was the worst thing that you ever experienced and see if that is a sore spot in your life? It's all kinds of wounds that keep us from our destiny.

The more I sought after the Lord, the more he dealt with my heart problem, the wounds that I had, The more I read, the more I saw myself in scripture, the more I prayed, the more he showed me, but this was over a course of several years. He took me from childhood issues to teenage issues and adulthood, he showed me the wounds that I had and why. He showed me the medication to use on each wound that I had, and some of the medication, I honestly did not want to take, because I did not want to touch the wound. I had gotten use to the infection being there and sometimes, I liked the feeling it gave me. I guess you would say that was part of the sickness from the wound, because it started affecting the mental state of the body, making me think that the infection was normal, and that I was normal. But, I wasn't normal, especially when people started noticing things being off about me. You know those things that as a child, you wished they had paid attention to, so you could have been healed, but now your an adult, and you just don't care, because, you have decided that this is your normalcy.

Did you know that the Lord will send people to you to ask you questions about yourself just to get you to think? I remember when my wounds started getting addressed, I was in my early twenties. I had an instructor at a technical college who posed this question to me: Tabatha, why is it that when I try to correct you, you get upset? That instructor at that moment had me address my low self-esteem. Had she not asked me that question, I wouldn't have known that feeling came from family telling me that I will not amount to anything. So, you have to ask the right questions in order to find out what the unaddressed wound is that is affecting each part of your life. It may be one wound, or it could be many wounds. Take it one wound at a time, I don't want you to bleed all over the place to the point that you can not function, trying to bandage all these things at once. 

Ask yourself what is the major thing affecting your life? Then get to the root of it. That requires you to dig deep. Once you find that wound then now it's time to start doing some operating on it. You have to see how deep the infection goes, see what spiritual recommendations are needed to treat it. It could need a dose of forgiveness, conflict resolution, prayer, fasting and reading healing scriptures daily. What ever it takes for you to get healed, allow the Lord to guide you to it. He will never lead you the wrong way. His word is a map to living a life of wholeness.

With damage to your heart, you're led by emotions instead of rational thinking. Your mind is clouded by pain and what appears to be logic, is irrational thinking. It's important to be healed from the wounds of the past in order to have a positive future. Rebellion warps your thinking or thought process, causing you to operate off of feelings and sometimes fear. You become angry, bitter, and lost. You look for answers, but you can't find them. Why? Because, you don't know where or how to begin the healing process. 

Why is it difficult to find peace? It's because you haven't forgiven the person or person's that harmed you. No matter how many times you say you forgive, when situations arise that are similar to the on-set of your pain, you begin to rebel against the person, or situation.  Arguments ensue, and you become the person inflicting damage, but you only see your wounds, and now you're victimized by self-inflicted pain from the wound that you never addressed. 

In my first podcast I said where did it begin, and that our wounds if left untreated affect our decision making. It also affects our emotions. We don't know whether we're coming or going in some cases. All we know is that there is pain and a hole in our heart. We're not living our lives to the fullest, we're just existing. 

My rebellion was due to not having my biological father in my life. I started looking for love in all the wrong places. It affected my relationships, and how I chose who I got involved with. Trust and believe the relationships were abusive, due to my untreated wounds, they were toxic relationships. I would ask myself; do I have Loser written across my forehead or what?  I was very angry about my life, and upset with my mother, yet I still loved her. My thinking was warped by the wounds, I couldn't see straight. Mentally I was a wreck, but no one knew the pain I was in, because I remained silent. My rebellious years consisted of me sneaking around, lying about where I'd be, and hanging out with boys when no one was home. In my warped mind I wanted to be loved by a male figure. Just wanting to be held and given affection as if it came from my dad, but it didn't change anything.

The love I was looking for was something I'd never obtain. The love of a father. Being rebellious was just my way of getting attention from my mother, but it still didn't fill that emptiness inside. As I got older, I started realizing that I didn't recognize what my emotions were. I didn't know how to feel, and I started walking around as an empty shell of a human being. My mind was so infected by the wound, that I thought running away would solve my problems, but life just got worse.

I experienced homelessness, addiction, rape, molestation, physical and mental abuse, suicide attempts, and the loss of my daughter through still birth. I started realizing that in some of this I victimized myself, because I chose to remain silent. I also made wrong decisions for my life that was to no fault of anyone else. My pain was there because I allowed it to remain there without getting the proper treatment. I made decisions, because of the pain sustained by wounds that people didn't know they inflicted, but I was a kid, my thought was couldn't anyone see what I was going through or what was going on?

I was labeled by a neighbor as a hot cookie, and yes, her words reached my ears and yes it hurt, with all these adults or parents around you mean to tell me that none recognized that something was wrong with me. My heart was broken, so rebellion set in full speed ahead, followed by acting out and finally running away from home.

The next stage of my life at sixteen, I got married, pregnant, abused sexually by my husband, introduced to drugs, became homeless, the loss of my baby girl and all of that within one year. I was so angry at God at this point, I remember walking down the street one day and yelled out GOD I HATE YOU! and as soon as I said it, I retracted it saying God I don't hate you, I just don't understand how you could have taken my baby from me. She was the only thing that I had to show love to and that would love me back.

I started thinking what do I have to live for? So, I took a handful of tranquilizers, believe it or not my husband came and saw the pills were gone and he made me regurgitate them back up. I guess you could say he didn't want to see me dead. I was angry with my life, and yes it was out of control, the damage had caused me to start using drugs more after the death of my daughter, the abuse didn't help. I thought I deserved what I was getting. 

I felt so low, I started thinking, that my dad never looked for me, my mother and I had a rough relationship, I just wanted all the pain to end.  

How can a person heal from all this trauma? Believe it or not, the more pain I experienced, the more I cried out to God to help me. The more I cried the more I begin to seek comfort. I finally broke down and prayed. I was raised in the church, I did know the, our father prayer, but I thought to myself, that there was something more that I needed to say to the Lord.

Here's the prayer I said that started the change in my life. Lord, please help me! I don't want to be this way anymore. Give me something that will change my life. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Now, of course this was after I divorced my daughter's father and tried to move on, but I was still on the drugs, and I knew this was not the life that I wanted for myself. Thus, the reason for the prayer. It's been four years since I lost my daughter, when I found out I was pregnant again. I was so loss, but after that prayer my life began to gradually change.

I had to open my mouth and ask the Lord for help, I didn't know what to do as a kid, but as an adult, I realized that my life was in complete shambles, and as an adult I wanted to be healed and I wanted a life that was filled with joy, peace, comfort and love. I talked to the only one that could help me, and that was the Almighty.

My prayer for you the listener is to know that you're not alone in your struggles, there's always someone going through something and sometimes theirs is worse than yours. The problem is that when we go through, we shutdown, isolate from people and pride sets in, saying no one will understand, no one care, you feel like you're the only one going through this, or your feel that people will judge you, and you begin to feel like you are weak. I'm here to tell you that, that is what the enemy tells us in order to keep us bound to our wounds. It's designed to cripple us and keep us from where the Lord is trying to take us.  If we could see or think from a spiritual aspect during times of turmoil, struggles or pain we would know that these attacks or trials have been designed to bind us up and keep us from the plan and purpose of the Lord for our lives. 

I want you to think about these questions and really search your heart for the answers. 

If you had not gone through the trial in your life, where do you believe your life would be?

How has your wound or wounds affected your outlook on your life?

Do you still have anxiety or get emotional when talking about your past? If so, your wound is still controlling or affecting your life. 

If your wounds are still affecting you or controlling you, I pray that you seek the help that you need for healing.

Psalm 107:20 states: He sent out his word and healed them and delivered them from their destruction.

James 1:1-4 states: James a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes scattered among the nations; Greeting. 2. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3. Because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance 4. Let perseverance finish its works so that you maybe mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

Next week I'll discuss with you how to deal with those wounds that still control you. As always, I thank you for listening and hope that by sharing bits of my life with you, it shows you that you're not alone and there is healing on the other side of the wound.