It’s a hard knock, black and white, post-apocalyptic life! This week the boys travel back to May 21, 1982 to run down THE ROAD WARRIOR, ANNIE, and DEAD MEN DON’T WEAR PLAID. Leapin’ lizards, it’s Episode 51 of Opening Weekend!

The world has gone mad.  Mohawked marauders rule the roads. Singing/dancing orphans run amok in the cities.  ET has his/her/its own cereal.  And a 9 year old Dan is eating all of it. Yes, it’s May 21, 1982 and while Little Orphan Annie is promising us that the sun will come out tomorrow, present day Fred’s Little 40-Something Fannie is worrying about what will come in where the sun don’t shine. “Dr. Pokey-Bum-Bum? Paging Dr. Pokey-Bum-Bum!” 

Who made the stranger decision in spring of ’82: Carl Reiner and Steve Martin deciding to make a black and white detective movie made up of clips from other black and white detective movies OR Jason deciding to go see a black and white detective movie made up of clips from other black and white detective movies instead of E.T.? 

If you thought “Mad” Max Rockatansky’s heart was hardened and cold, then you haven’t tried to watch “Annie” with Fred and his kids.

And, yes, Dan’s hair was crazy, but he ain’t got nothing on The Feral Child.

So, just relax and take a few deep breaths, because it’s time to turn around, place your elbows on the examining table, and prepare for a slight bit of pressure…with Episode 51 of Opening WeekEND!!!!!!!

“Heeeeeere’s Episode 50!” The boys are celebrating a year of hot, buttery cinematic nostalgia by jumping back to May 23rd, 1980 and taking a deep dive into THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, THE SHINING, and THE GONG SHOW MOVIE. Grab your axe, slice open that dead Tauntaun and lie back and relax with Rip Taylor and the gang, ‘cus it’s Episode 50 of Opening Weekend!

May 23, 1980: a day filled with Jedis, Jack, and GENE, GENE, THE DANCING MACHINE!!!! It was a spring filled with so much excitement for our three young podcasters: Dan was salivating over his new Millennium Falcon toy; Jason was salivating over the marriage of his sister’s Cher doll to Chewbacca; Fred was salivating over…Time Magazine? And, oh, the anticipation! Will Darth Vader catch up to Luke and the Rebels? Will Danny Torrance make it through that hedge-maze with all his limbs intact? Will Jamie Farr gong that 85 year old woman playing the violin with a chicken bone while her husband smashes pickles against his bare chest? GONG, BABY, GONG!  While Jack Nicholson was huffing and puffing, Chuck Barris was cutting and snorting.  And if you thought Yoda had a wacky voice, wait until you meet my little mouth-friend Tony! Tony? Wait…what’s that, Tony? You want me to talk more about…oh, I don’t think I can do that, Tony.  Really? You want me to talk more about…”Zapped”? 

REDRUM REDRUM SCATMAN REDRUM!

And, throw on your tux, spit-polish that thorax, and get ready to Kripp AND Dorf, cus the boys are celebrating their 50th episode with the “Wedding of The Century” as super fan/hybridized murder-hornet-woman, Sheila, finally ties the knot with Richard Dreyfuss! Wait, wha…

GONG!!!!!!!!!

Opening Weekend is hitting it outta the park (cue Randy Newman music) and settin’ some s**t on fire (cue Tangerine Dream music) with May 11th, 1984’s THE NATURAL and Stephen King’s FIRESTARTER.  And the boys take a deep dive into their top 5 favorite sports movies (cue Handfarts Training Montage Music). Now batting: Episode 49 of Opening Weekend!

Ahh, 1984. Weird Al is topping the charts and great movies are stopping our hearts. A young Fred is scaring himself (reading Stephen King), a young Dan is scarring himself (at Colonial Williamsburg), and a young Jason is scamming his teacher by putting out a fake issue of Time magazine! And all three boys are watching classic 80s movie after classic 80s movie, like The Natural and Firestarter! Redford’s hitting homers and Barrymore’s blasting baddies as George C. Scott and Darren McGavin compete for coolest fake eye! And the boys FINALLY solve the David Keith/Keith David mystery! (Spoiler alert: not a mystery.) 

And, as if that weren’t enough: there’s a new phone! You’ve heard guests call in on the Regular Phone and the Time Phone, but what dead celebs will call in on the HEAVEN PHONE? Here’s a hint: it’s probably no one you care about! But heat up your oatmeal and grab your diabeetis meds, and you’ll be sure to get...the straight story...from them (wink, wink). 

PLUS, a major development in the Sheila saga! (crickets) 

Ugh. OK: Sheila is a superfan of the podcast who used to write in to the mail sack all the time until she encountered the two grown-up babies from Baby’s Day Out and the nefarious Dr. Merlot who transformed her into a half-murder-hornet/half-human hybrid until the Arthropod Squad along with the Quail-Salmon Richard Dreyfuss…Oh, just forget it. It’s Episode 49 of Opening Weekend!!!

Hey, web-slingers, it’s your friendly neighborhood movie podcast! Swing into a Spidey Spectacular as the boys wrap a web of wonder around Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN Trilogy; with special Spidey Scribe, Kevin Shinick (Marvel, DC, “Robot Chicken”) joining in on the fun. Look out! Here comes Episode 48 of Opening Weekend!

With great podcast, comes great responsibility.  And with Opening Weekend, comes….hand-farts, murder-hornets, and Gene Shalit? 

Close enough, Uncle Ben!

Ahh, the awe-inspiring wonderment that is Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 1! Ahh, the next-level excitement that is Spider-Man 2! And ahh, the mediocre “meh”-ness that is Spider-Man 3. The white goo gets replaced by black goo, Willem Dafoe and Alfred Molina get replaced by the guy from ‘That 70s Show’ and the guy from ‘Wings’, and plot gets replaced by…spidey-dancing? Which we all LIKED?!?

How many Sheilas will each film of the original Spider-Man trilogy receive? How many times will Dan confuse the plots of the three movies? How many minutes into the episode will legitimate Marvel writer/director/producer/voice artist Kevin Shinick realize he’s trapped on a podcast with three people who liked Megaforce? So many questions! So few coherent answers! Go get ‘em Tiger! (Get’em some more listeners. Please, God. More listeners.)

“Sheila. S-H-E-I-L-A. Sheila.” This week the boys revisit April 28th, 2006’s major releases, AKEELAH & THE BEE, UNITED 93, and the Robin Williams comedy, RV, written by this week’s special guest: Emmy nominated screenwriter and best-selling author, Geoff Rodkey! How do you spell “Movie Podcast Magic?” E-P-I-S-O-D-E-4—7-o-f-O-P-E-N-I-N-G-W-E-E-K-E-N-D!  

“Handfart. H-A-N-D-F-A-R-T. Handfart.” “That is correct, Akeelah! You are the winner of the Opening Weekend Gene Shalit Invitational Spelling Bee! And the grand prize is….Fred’s appendix!” Yes, back in April of 2006, while Robin Williams was losing his mind during a cross-country RV trip, Fred was losing internal organs during a cross-dressing Shakespeare rehearsal.  If you thought watching “United 93” on a big screen on the five year anniversary of 9/11 was a harrowing experience, you haven’t seen the liquified bags of broccoli Jason was hiding from Dan in their Queens apartment.  “Vomitous.” “Can I hear it in a sentence?” “Yes: The smell of Dan and Jason’s crisper was vomitous.” “Language of origin?” “Astorian.” And the boys are joined this week by Emmy nominated screenwriter and best-selling author, Geoff Rodkey, to discuss his experience writing big Hollywood comedies like “RV”, “Daddy Day Care”, and “The Shaggy Dog”, as well as his new novel, “Lights Out In Lincolnwood”. Get ready to clean your poop-pipe with a hefty dose of Opening Weekend!

“And the Oscar for Best Performance of 1987 goes to…Willy The Chimp!” It’s April 17th, 1987 and the boys are going ape for PROJECT X and getting H.I. off of RAISING ARIZONA.  Grab your Huggies, mind your fontanelle  and climb aboard a plane full of monkeys. Destination: Episode 46 of Opening Weekend!

In April of 1987, Nicholas Cage and Holly Hunter were stealing babies, but it was Willie the Chimp who was stealing Jason, Dan, and Fred’s hearts.  If you can find three grown men who squeal louder at the sight of a primate flipping the bird, then my name ain’t Nathan Arizona! And speaking of squealing, who DID squeal louder? a) Fred, while banging his pre-mulleted head at his first Iron Maiden concert  b) Dan, while banging his head against the top turnbuckle at the WANG Wrestling Federation Coliseum (i.e. his bedroom) c)Jason, while banging his head trying to do his best Church Lady impression or d) WHO CARES?!?! WE WANT MORE WILLIE!!! It’s an episode full of kidnappers and  kid rappers, yodeling and chimps and Yodas and shit! Turn to the left, ‘cus that sumbitch Episode 46 of Opening Weekend is set to pop and releasing itself on it’s own recognizance! 

Jobu need a refill of hot, buttery, cinematic nostalgia! It’s April 7, 1989 and Jason, Dan, and Fred are stepping up to the plate, taking sail, and losing their minds (for different reasons) over MAJOR LEAGUE, DEAD CALM, and THE DREAM TEAM. Juuuuust a bit outside; yes, it’s Episode 45 of Opening Weekend!

There are myriad reasons a successful podcast can fall apart and great friendships can be pushed to the brink: resentment and jealousies, money issues, public and private scandal, Billy Zane.  Can the boys pull a Nicole Kidman and push through the horror to make it through to the other side? Or will they tear at the seams, and go….wait for it….InZane? Oh, don’t you give me that sardonic look, Sam Neil! But back to April 1989: While Jason was cutting it up in Long Island comedy clubs, Fred was cutting the cheese. And eating the cheese. And cutting the cheese. A lot. Philip Bosco and James Remar were trying to murder Michael Keaton’s psychiatrist in “The Dream Team”, and Commack High School’s “Humor Columnist” (probably named Mort) was trying to murder Jason’s reputation as an esteemed teenage film critic. SCANDAL! Charlie Sheen’s “Wild Thing” was climbing an uphill battle against junk pitches while Dan was climbing an uphill battle against junk food’s Dream Team: Devil Dogs, Kandy Kakes and Yodels. WAIT A MINUTE… *Pffffffffffffftttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* Crap, Fred got to the cheese and Yodels again. Like the bats Jobu cursed, like the lips Keaton pursed, like Zane’s head you’ll burst! About these films we conversed as always unrehearsed, so slide headfirst into Episode 45 of Opening Weekend!

Methinks thou art the one, Neo! Now taketh some acting lessons, taketh the red pill, and joineth us as we Shake our Speares on the new episode of OPENING WEEKEND...eth! March 31st, 1999 gave us both a Ledger-rific redux of a classic Shakespeare comedy and a Fishburne-tastic redux of a classic Lewis Carroll novel. So plug into your headjack, because OPENING WEEKEND is about to upload 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU and THE MATRIX into your brain!

Mr. Anderson? Mr. O’Connell? Mr. Berman? Mr. Matisa? Time to eject yourselves out of the slimy pods you’ve lived in since birth. And yes, we’re talking about Long Island and New Jersey. 1999 is the time for Dan to join his pals Jason and Fred in New York City, where Fred is drumming up classic rock ’n’roll, Dan is saying goodbye to his classic car, and Jason is seeing classic Laurence Fishburne movies…with Laurence Fishburne. What in the name of Joey Pants’ obligatory dickishness is up with that?

As Julia Stiles tells Heath Ledger he sucks at being a trustworthy boyfriend, Fred’s bandmates tell him he sucks at playing guitar! While Dan earns his AEA (Actors’ Equity Association) card, Hugo Weaving earns his MCGWWTSKRIHSAF (Mean Computery Guy Who Wants To Shoot Keanu Reeves In His Stupid-Ass Face) card! And as Jason swaps comic books with his new best friend Larry Fishburne (it really happened), our guest Pat swaps Top 5 Shakespeare movie lists with each of us! Which has a better chance of happening: someone’s #1 being “Gnomeo and Juliet”, or the boys still not being able to avoid sound ducking (and other massive audio problems) after doing 43 of these friggin’ things? Find out this week!

PLUS, we reveal our top 5 Shakespeare-to-film adaptations with our delightful guest, Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival contest winner, Pat! That’s right: It’s Pat! The only question you’ll have about this Pat is: is she delightful? (Spoiler alert: yes, she is.)

To be or not to be…a Quail-Salmon! Tonight we’re gonna hand-farty like it’s 1999, on OPENING WEEKEND!

Murderous turns, musical twists, and misogynist twerps.  DEATHTRAP, VICTOR/VICTORIA, and PORKY’S gave March 19th, 1982 a whodunnit, a who-is-it, and who-grabbed-it; all wrapped up in one Jazz-Hot new episode of OPENING WEEKEND!

Ah, the halcyon school-days of 1982: playing Star Wars in the backyard, acting out cowboys and Indians, drawing cartoons on the front-lawn with your friends, getting your wang violently tugged by an angry gym teacher as you stick it through a hole in the girls’ locker room. As a 4th grade castrato dressed as a California miner once sang, “Those WERE the days, my friend.”  While the Porky’s gang was trying to get some T&A, 3rd grade Dan was trying to get some G&T - reading German literature, struggling to play Othello and other obscure board-games, and MOST importantly, trying to cast a good backyard “Lobot.”  On the eastern end of Long Island, Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve play a deadly game of cat and mouse to see who can write a hit play. And just off the Ronkonkoma line,  Jason O’Connell and his doppelgänger, John O’Donnell play a deadly game of tracing paper and pencil to see who can draw a better Hulk.  Oui, Julie Andrews may be the toast of gay Paree, but wait till Robert Preston gets a load of Fred’s politically incorrect 4th grade singing cowboy. And co-starring Alex Karras as “Episode 43 of Opening Weekend!”

Global culture clashes, the pitfalls of nationalism, cultural appropriation…and Woody Allen. It’s March 14, 1986, and GUNG HO, CROSSROADS, & HANNAH AND HER SISTERS are gonna push all those buttons. And we haven’t even mentioned Ralph Macchio’s hat. It’s Episode 42 of OPENING WEEKEND!

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough get lip-synching to Billy Ocean, and that’s exactly what Fred was doing in 8th grade (all the while drawing comic books about super-hero fetuses.)  And while Jason was looking MAHVELOUS at the 9th grade talent show, Dan was singing along to the Mets’ new triumphant theme song while wondering what all that hair was….down there.  And we’re still avoiding talking about Woody Allen….so….Hey, how about “Crossroads”?! If you thought selling your soul to the devil for fame and fortune was a risky proposition, just try selling Ralph Macchio’s hat to Dan.  And while Fred was drooling over Steve Vai’s guitar virtuosity, Woody Allen was drooling over....wait. No. Um. And.  So. Wow, “Gung Ho”! Holds up, ‘mi right? Just about as well as Jason held up his dance partner’s dress in his production of Anything Goes.  And just as well as Woo…no. Hannah and her….  So. Man, Dianne Wiest is GOOD.  But, we should…so….Oh, God in Heaven. Hey, it’s Episode 42 of Opening Weekend!