Papa's Basement

Pokémon Go has arrived, and the world is losing its mind. I am as well, but not because I love the game: I'm a Nintendo nut and knew this game was going to be huge months ago. Did I get off my ass and buy any stock, which has now doubled in price? No. Because, when it comes to victories in life, I do not, in fact, need to catch them all.

Co-host Pete and I talk about running into roving zombie swaths of people playing the game at the walking mall next to the studio, how my Pikachu phone casemade me a god among them, and what the hell the game is actually about (since it isn't very intuitive. And now I sound like an old person.)

To top it all off, co-hostess Sara is also back and we wrap up the show discussing a zombie movie made by two "specially gifted" (or whatever the PC term of Down Syndrome-y is this week) directors who made a zombie film by the name of Spring Break Zombie Massacre. Whether the fact that it seems indistinguishable from any other low-budget horror movie is testament to their directorial prowess or the lacking quality of nearly all horror movies is for you to decide.

For those of you looking forward to some dirty episodes, Papa's Patreon will be up later this week.

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It's a contentious time in this nation's history: Pokemon Go has us fighting over PokeGyms and tiny monsters. We are busy either murdering or being murdered by cops. And I wouldn't trust presumptive nominees of the country's main political parties to not cheat at a game of Monopoly much less run this aging republic into the ground.

But let's be honest: The biggest divide right now, by far, is whether your stand on the side of Paul Feig's new Ghostbusters film. Are you down with Hollywood and its endless remakes? Are you happy to see four women get a crack at being the fact of a summer blockbuster? Do you enjoy films that feature a cast you can play "Fuck/Marry/Kill/Kill Twice Just To Be Safe" with? Clearly Ghostbusters is an incredibly sensitive topic for the huddled Internet masses. And you can finally relax, because Papa's Basement is here to tell you exactly how to feel about it. As if that weren't enough, we also cover Joe Paterno apparently knowing about ol' Jerry Sandusky ass-plowing kids back during the Bicentennial. It's a packed show and, to top it all off, guest Tom Block joins us for the hour before he leaves for Richmond, VA, a land of super-alluring art school women, delicious Southern food and a 7% chance of getting robbed on any given night. If you end up seeing Ghostbusters over the weekend, leave us a comment below and let us know you thought of it.

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One of my favorite episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is titled "Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender." The episode's premise is that show protagonist Dennis Reynolds bears a more-than-passing resemblance to Wendell Shorteyes, a recently released child molester who moves into his neighborhood. Dennis grows increasingly exasperated both because people are confusing him with Wendell and because Wendell is much, much fatter than him, which no one else seems to acknowledge.

For our 500th episode, I get to tell the tale of a creep who was grabbing an 11-year-old girl's ass at the Target located maybe 500 yards from the station where we record. A creep who, true to the aforementioned Always Sunny plot line, is a bloated dead ringer for co-host Howard. Hear the story of a man unable to visit the mall before and after the show with the rest of the cast because, very much like Dennis, he could easily be confused with a kid toucher who is his molesty chubby-gänger.

But that's not all! We also celebrate our 500th episode by getting kicked off the only station that actually aired us on the radio. I wish I were making that up. I suppose I can take solace in the fact it was because we were "edgy," but I'm no longer 20, so that doesn't impress me and I just wish we were back on air. Hear the letter sent to us informing us of our termination read live.

At least Peter Diebler, host of The Kane Show, got arrested for allegedly beating his wife. While I obviously don't condone that sort of behavior, Kane and his show are emblematic of all that is middle-of-the-road pablum radio and, if it means him getting kicked off the air, I don't give a shit if they found him sodomizing the corpse of one of my beloved childhood pets.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

It isn't often you get to meet your heroes. And, if you do, sometimes the circumstances stink, like Muhammad Ali pounding the shit out of a young, impressionable George Foreman in Kinshasa so many years ago. But, once in a rare instance, when the Almighty pauses to shotgun another cosmically large tallboy which he intends to urinate on you moments later, you can sneak a big one in the win column. And, this past Friday, co-host Pete Maybe and I were able to do just that by spending some time in the studio with Ron Bennington and his daughter Gail Bennington of Sirius-XM's Bennington.

Ron is the most talented broadcaster I have ever heard, and I listen to talk radio like I'm deep on the spectrum. No one has stronger fundamentals or a quicker wit, and anyone who knows anything about radio would agree with me on this. Gail is clearly her father's child, and I really can't sing her praises enough. Both of them were delightful on and off-air, and, once more, thank you to them and their producer Chris Stanley for making this all possible. My fist hasn't left the raised John Bender position since meeting them all (driving has been a nightmare).

We also get into where LeBron James bringing a title home to the rust belt Eraserhead-nightmarescape that is Cleveland ranks in the all-time sports achievement pantheon and why the death of a certain Game of Thrones villain given the show's history of breaking our heart managed to hit the spot just right. Please like and share and sing the hosannas of this latest Papa's Basement. I'm super proud of it.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

Click the YouTube button for just the clip and click the player right below for the full episode. Enjoy!

After all that happened in Orlando on Sunday at Pulse Nightclub, there wasn't much else to talk about this week. Well, except for Christina Grimmie, a singer from the Voice, getting shot and killed in Orlando. And a toddler getting eaten by an alligator. In Orlando. Clearly, Orlando is Spanish for "Death-pit on an Indian burial ground the size of Shea Stadium."

Co-host Pete Maybe and I spend 60 minutes talking about the situation in this country with regard to guns, mass shootings and terror. We don't get preachy because it isn't helpful, no one enjoys listening to it and we don't know our asses from our elbows, anyhow. But I do hope you give the episode a chance, because whether you believe your guns should have their own guns with bullets made of even tinier guns or that the extent of weaponry one should legally own begins and ends with a nail file, we think no one will walk away from this episode butthurt. And, if you do, well...I'd tell you to grow the fuck up. But I really can't afford to lose any listeners, so instead feel free to throw pies at my face and genitals as I dance the Charleston or do whatever else it takes to keep you around. -John

Thanks for listening and stay tuned for details about our upcoming 500th episode shindig. Tell everyone you know to listen to Papa's Basement as we reach this sub-monumental podcasting achievement. They'll thank you for this. And if they don't, then once again have them direct their anger towards John. He's built for that shit. -Pete

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

Sure, the world would have you believe that the greatest passing in the world of combat sport this week was Muhammad Ali. But we all know the truth: MMA start Kimbo Slice pushing up daisies at the age of 42 is the real heartbreaker. From his humble beginnings as an internet sensation to his time spent as a porn set security guard and everything in between, the all-too-brief life of this gentle giant is covered to start the show.

From there, we get to the Stanford rape case. If the internet these past few weeks is any indication, people really hate both gorillas being shot and rape. Not enough to, you know, actually do anything about either, but boy will they tweet up a storm! We also get to a breakthrough in gene editing that is just guaranteed to lead to horrible, horrible things and Miss DC winning Miss USA. Enjoy the episode and then share it. Share the shit out of it.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

Thank you, Internet, for exposing those who are wisest among us to all sorts of situations they wouldn't have encountered in their day-to-day lives so that they might tell us all how they, in their infinite wisdom, would have handled said situation. Before you, people could just blab about what fuckups their friends, parents, siblings and co-workers were. Now? Holy shit, the scope of people we are better than and situations we would have handled better than those who were in them is staggering. From single-handedly stopping hijackers on planes to knowing exactly how to handle a small child being held by a gigantic gorilla as everyone around them screams their heads off, many of our friends and family are, at least online, Renaissance men MacGyver Ninjas. We should all count our blessings.

We discuss Harambe the gorilla on today's show not to debate his shooting (anyone who gives a shit that Harambe got the ol' Tom Berenger "one shot, one kill" treatment but isn't a vegetarian can gargle my balls), but explore how the rest of this idiot kid's and his idiot parents' lives are going to be defined by this incident. From kids on the playground calling him "gorilla boy" to eventually resorting to use his infamy to try and get laid, the simian-tinged fun is just beginning for baby dumbbell and his dunce progenitors.

After all of the gorilla junk, we wrap up the show with two great video game stories: A man proposing to his girlfriend via the video game Super Mario Maker (which is a great game and one of the reasons I'm happy to be one of the ten people left playing Nintendo systems) and a child who attempted to stop a robbery at a local GameStop in Silver Spring, MD because the thieves stood between him and his precious Yoshi doll. Enjoy and share the latest Papa's Basement, and please subscribe to us on iTunes, Twitter, Facebook and whatever the hell else has our name on it.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

SiriusXM is the teets and I miss having it in my car dearly. So it was a great joy when I stole my roomie's satellite radio-equipped vehicle this week and got to listen to actual music on the radio, eventually settling on a Motown station or soul station or whatever the fuck they call the station for black people approximately the age of Stanley Hudson.

During my hour or so in the car, I was exposed to tons of hits and deeper cuts, with one of the tracks standing far and away above the rest: Luther Ingram's "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right." If you're not familiar with the song (and I wasn't, despite knowing the expression, which I thought was just something you said to a pizza before eating the entire thing yourself), it is an amazing, if sometimes hilarious, declaration by a cheating man that he loves his side piece, too.

The song and fan-made YouTube video are both incredible, as we play them on air and have fun with the lyrics that get too detailed for their own good. There's also a bit about debating how soon is too soon when it comes to social media and show spoilers (fuck "show" spoilers, we all know I'm talking Game of Thrones and its Holocaust-like body count) and close with what might be the meanest picture I've ever seen online. Please share the show, review us on iTunes/Stitcher and subscribe to the YouTube channel and our Twitter accounts! Did I link you to any of that? No. But it's the Internet age. Working for it means you have to type three words into Google. So, to quote Eric Cartman, quit your bitching.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

Doctors (specifically, a doctor named Dicken Ko, so ha) have performed the first American penis transplant. On the surface, this is great news. Thomas Manning, the peen-cipient, can live a normal life after losing his birthcock to cancer. Soldiers whose dicks blew up like a prank cigar in the face of IED shrapnel might be able to bone once again.

But the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Mark my words, within 20 years, people are going to be 3d printing dick meat by the yard and having it grafted onto their shaft. It's going to start a (baby) arms race that won't be concluded until every man has a dong so big that no woman wants it and the world goes softly into that good night ala Children Of Men.

But it isn't all dick this episode. Nope, because sticking with the theme of good intentions leading to unmitigated disaster, two idiots grabbed a baby bison at a national park and shoved it in their car because it looked cold. Did you get that? The 200 lbs fur-covered monster couldn't handle 50 degree temperatures according to Robinson Crusoe and his dipshit wife. The outcome was somehow even worse than you can imagine. And I've been sent to collections by a company (incorrectly) and chronicle the fun that it's been to resolve that thus far. Give a listen! Give a share! Tattoo the show's logo over your own and send us the photo!

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

We all remember Tila Tequila, right? She was famous in the mid-to-late 2000s for being a tiny Asian with huge, fake tits (it doesn't take much to get ahead in this country of ours). I think she had an MTV show where she dated both guys and girls to find her true love (ha!), released a bunch of sex tapes, and even sang. This might have also been Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian. It's all the same shit, minus swaps of ethnicities, implant sizes, and levels of affinity for black penis.

Where Tila Tequila got interesting was a recent embrace of what can only be described as prolific, almost comedic amounts of racist posts via her social media accounts. She blasted the Jews. She blasted the blacks. She hailed herself (after donning blue contacts and bleaching her hair) as an Aryan princess. And you know what? It's hilarious. I don't know if it's a rebranding effort or she has literally lost her shit after a post-overdose aneurysm, but I haven't been this captivated by a z-lister since dramatic gerbil.

But Hitler's ideal wife isn't all we discuss this episode: There's also the Ozzy Osbourne / Sharon Osbourne split, hailed by saps the world over as the death of love and by me as a metal god freeing himself to get a little strange before it's too late, as well as a weird, horrific, new way to see nudity on YouTube. Because sometimes you're at work, your phone's dead, and you just need a hit. Enjoy the episode, and please remember to subscribe on YouTube, iTunes/Stitcher and leave us reviews!

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).