Paradise Reclaimed Podcast

Originally recorded in mid-January of 2021, we've decided to make this episode our final installment for Paradise Reclaimed Podcast Season 1, for reasons of circumstance and...let's call it editorial convenience. And in that it works quite well, actually, in that it ends the season with unusual spirit and some unexpected twists and turns. These twists and turns may well, we hope, hint at what's to come in Season 2, which we hope to bring to light after a short hiatus.

But more on that later.

For now, take a listen to what starts out as a free Dr. Teri coaching session for Achmad, but then transforms quickly into...well you decide. However you describe what follows, there's inarguably more interplay between Achmad and Dr. Teri than on prior podcasts. There's more of a side-by-side comparison of their views of normative and non-normative states and behaviors.

Responding to Dr. Teri's prompts, Achmad observes, "Knowing myself as well as I feel I do now...entering a new situation, a new context...with a discipline to keep my freak flag furled at the outset, and then to gradually unfurl it over time...the joy comes from realizing that I've reached a point where I can fully wave that doggone freak flag."

Achmad compares the process of transcending human embarrassment to writing poetry, in that both require a certain mastery of existing groundrules, conventions, and grammars to do effectively.

For her part, Dr. Teri sees the stakes and the outcome of getting past human embarrassment in different terms altogether.

"Be who you're going to be, wherever you can, safely," she counsels. "I hear in what you're saying that there's  a lot about the objective of being able to wave your freak flag. And I find that true, but there's something different in the way you're approaching that I don't 100% identify with.  I identify with a much softer, much more inner-journey acceptance of self-acceptance and self-love, and I get the sense that you have this belonging in the community aspect that's much stronger about showing who you are, and I'm more like, 'no, I'm going to be who I am even if it means not being in the world."

So do yourself a favor and listen to Episode 20: The Embarrassment of Being Human. It's for entertainment purposes, so we hope there's some vaudeville value in if for you. And do take us up on our invitation to send us your responses to the question, "How do YOU wave YOUR freak flag?" Send those to [email protected].

Now, to our hiatus: given the net-positive developments that Dr. Teri now finds herself penning two books and designing two new web sites, and that Achmad's contributions at work have led to a surge in demand for his involvement across a growing range of projects, we feel the time has come to press pause for a few months while we review what we do well as a podcast series and redefine the way we do that in a way that satisfies all the requisite gods and goddesses.

In the meantime, please be sure to subscribe, bookmark, or favorite Paradise Reclaimed Podcast. That way, you'll be among the first to know when we're back. And we'll have a great big, freaking reunion party.

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In Episode 19, Dr. Teri embraces the spirit of the new year by breaking free from the shackles of our past and embracing the now. Yet it's more – much more – than simply shaking off the trauma and heartbreak of 2020. Letting go is the process by which we allow ourselves to grow, to move forward, and to push ourselves, unbridled, toward the self-actualization we seek to realize for ourselves.

"It doesn't mean we have to pretend that some bad thing didn't happen to us. It's just that we get to step back from it...ease up, and stop holding on to something that happened to us.," explains Dr. Teri.

And letting go of who we think we're supposed to be.  Letting go of old versions of ourselves.

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“Thank God I found the GOOD in goodbye.”
– Beyoncé Knowles
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"We have to allow ourselves our own becoming, our own evolution, our own growth," Dr. Teri continues. "You've got to make space for that."

Listen to Episode 19: Letting Go now on:
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As we welcome the hope and relief promised by the start of 2021, Dr. Teri and I discuss happiness: what it is and isn't, different strategies – effective and futile – for finding it, and some tips for keeping to the healthiest course for you.

We all know what happiness is, don't we? Can't we at least say that we recognize happiness when we see it? Feel it?

Not necessarily, says Dr. Teri.

"There's something that I call 'The Happiness Formula,' which is a lie. It's a social and adopted psychological construct that says that once you accumulate the right ingredients, and line them up in just the right way, you'll finally be happy," she explains.

The right education from the right Ivy League school. The right job. The right spouse. The right kids. The right body shape. These are some of the many Happiness Formula checklist items we all carry around with us, often despite our own best intentions.

The Happiness Formula is at the root of the constant ache and longing that smolders stubbornly in our subconscious. It prevents us from enjoying the joy and fulfillment we've already earned. It's the value template that marketers and advertisers prey upon to compel us to spend money we don't have for things we don't need.

So on the occasion of the new year, let's choose happiness. Instead of trying vainly to tally up points on the irrational and unfulfilling Happiness Formula, let's work on ourselves – that is, our selves – work that can deliver the sense of belonging and inclusion we all thirst for as human beings. Let's take on meaningful challenges, challenges that promise positive transformation, that promise growth, and that foster an expansion of our minds and our hearts.

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“The happiness we seek is already here and it will be found through letting go rather than through struggle.”
– Pema Chödrön
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Let's seek happiness in a way that brings healing to our troubled lives, our vital relationships, and our fragile universe. Let's rechart our life journeys to take us to destinations that are virtuous, life-affirming, and selfless.

Listen to your inner leader, your inner parent, your inner child. Each of them loves you and looks to you to set the example – the standard, the ethos – that they can aspire to in turn. Don't let yourself get distracted or derailed as you forge your path to self-actualization and enlightenment. Do take that class you wish you'd taken back in college.  Take another look at your personal mission statement, or draft one from scratch if necessary. Find that nonprofit organization that advances your personal vision for the future; found it if there isn't one already.

Your happiness lies in manifesting the changes that make the world a better place, and manifesting those invariably requires an act of self-transformation. Take things step by step. This is your unfolding. This is your personal path.

"Choosing happiness means making a really good choice," Dr. Teri succinctly summarizes, "about which direction to go in. That has to come from the inside."

Listen to Episode 18: Choosing Happiness now on:
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What constitutes effective leadership in a world defined by a pandemic, a tectonic pivot, and a near-crippling uncertainty about what tomorrow may bring?

The very fabric of society is transforming before our eyes. The stakes for decisions we make every day – Do I wear a mask? Must I go into that store? Should I sanitize my hands again? – seem momentous, at times absurd. For many of us, our work modes have morphed too, shifting nearly overnight from desks in offices to video meetings at our dining tables.

Yet while isolating from work colleagues and neighbors, we're in extremely tight quarters with our partners and family members, running Zoom meetings in parallel, stealing time from our jobs to help our distance-learning children prove a Geometry theorem or to give the sourdough one last knead.

"These are conditions that were always there, but everything has more gravitas because we're being confronted," Dr. Teri observes. "We're now seeing how we fit into this life as individuals, as organic beings, or as humans."

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“Effective leadership has a core of love.”
– Dr. Teri Baydar
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Dr. Teri points out that we've all been lulled into accepting a status quo without due reflection or discernment. While nobody should neglect or disavow the suffering endured by many people and groups in the years before COVID-19 struck, certain of us have willingly surrendered our right to question convention, seduced by the sense of security – real or imagined – promised by the status quo.

"Now," she observes, "we're pivoting on every single front."

Dr. Teri believes that we're on the verge of a larger global shift, within which COVID is but one of many catalyzing events. Post-lockdown leadership requires balance: yin and yang, left-brain and right-brain, thinking and feeling.

Listen to Episode 17: Effective Leadership in a Lockdown World now on:
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Election Day is near at hand in the United States, and our judging faculties are working overtime.

Given the high stakes, it's worthwhile to ask: how does this process work? How can we judge – ourselves, others, ideas, and institutions – more effectively? Is judging even a healthy process?

"Really good judgment is discernment," offers Dr. Teri, "You've got to step away from  the linear right-wrong, black-white, good-bad...that binary thing. Discernment comes from a different place." 

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"He who knows others is clever; He who knows himself has discernment."

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

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What's the difference between judgment and discernment? 

Judgment, first of all, draws from our more primal faculties, the fight-flight-freeze impulses we once relied upon for our survival. In other words, when we judge, we draw conclusions hastily, with little to no processing. Second, the act of judging assumes a power differential: courtroom judges and magistrates sit on a bench, stationed above the prosecutor, defendant, and jury. Finally, when we judge the actions and character of others, we really judge ourselves.

And we deserve better than that, don't we?

Discernment, on the other hand, is a process we use to distinguish among different degrees of appropriate and inappropriate. When we practice discernment, we're not sorting behaviors, decisions, statements, or – least of all – people into "good" and "bad" boxes. Discernment is about reflecting on varying shades of virtue: good, better, best. We can't truly discern without developing a holistic understanding of the context involved. It necessarily involves our brain's higher cognitive functions. 

Let's be clear, however: we all judge.

"Let's talk about how the judge inside us works," counsels Dr. Teri. "The judge's intention is to give us a sense of security even where there is none, to control the world in ways that it cannot be controlled. It's wired into us as a survival mechanism, but then it gets out of hand."

To reach our highest potential, we need to break out of the judging mindset and embrace the practice of discernment.

Listen to Episode 16: Judging Me, Judging You now on:
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Fake news can, and has, changed fortunes.

Even when it barely registers on the infosphere, fake news can cause major upsets. A Princeton-led study found that fake news played a bigger role in swaying former Obama voters away from voting for Hillary Clinton than either being a Republican or personally disliking Clinton. The study found that false articles made up 2.6 percent of all hard-news articles late in the campaign, and Clinton ultimately lost the three states that delivered Trump the presidency - Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin - by less than a percentage point.

The history of fake news goes at least as far back as the 13th century BCE, when King Ramses II of Egypt memorialized accounts of crushing the Hittite army in the Battle of Kadesh in official records, drawings, and poetry carved on temple walls. In truth the conflict ended in a stalemate.

"News has always been," Dr. Teri points out, "a manipulation tool." Further, she observes, "now anybody can make news. And on the other end, we can have massive organized manipulation of news."

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"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you do read it, you're misinformed."
Denzel Washington
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Yet, strange to say, we are all complicit in both the practice and in the effectiveness of fake news.

True, each news item pushes an agenda, a response from its consumer. Each intends to push us in one direction or another, to buy something, to vote a certain way, to react in a certain way, ultimately to serve other interests. These interests may be corporate, government, or not-for-profit. But the agenda, the intention, and the call to action are always there.

Our responsibility? To resist the temptation to accept news at face value. To peer deep into the sources of our news to uncover potential biases, affiliations, and alliances. Yes, consider the news outlet itself  – its reputation for objectivity, integrity, and quality – but by no means should we let our guard down, even when the source is considered unimpeachable.

Healthy skepticism makes for sound decision making. Sound decision making, in turn, makes for effective leadership.

As individual thinkers, it's vital for us to apply this same skepticism to our own beliefs, attitudes, values, and politics. In a sense, the war on fake news begins in our own hearts and minds.

"We have the right to demand that media does a better job," says Dr. Teri. "But it's also up to us. We're at a place in history where we need to wake up. We need to think like individuals. Figure it out. Make the effort. Know yourself, make better choices, and see through the B.S. instead of becoming a victim of it."

Listen to Episode 15: Fake News - Why We're Complicit now on:
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Do you see the world as a struggle between good and evil? Are there two sides to every story?

If things seem black or white to you, you may be a victim of what Dr. Teri calls Binary Bullshit.

"We lean so heavily," she observes, "into our left brain - the left brain function is capture, contain, and control, and it's anchored in fear - so everything gets reduced to very simple equations."

Of course, there's nothing simpler than A vs. B. But does distilling problems to a choice of two polar opposites actually help us resolve issues or rise to challenges?

"To walk around thinking that we're actually communicating, that we're actually making choices, when we're working in this binary bullshit construct, is the real problem," Dr. Teri explains. "Because we're not solving anything when we go about it that way."
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Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you're gonna have to serve somebody
Bob Dylan, "Gotta Serve Somebody"
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Some questions are binary, offering us the luxury to flip a switch in one of two reasonable directions. Others are multivariate, and still others involve forking paths and contingencies.

But in all cases, it's useful to take a step back to consider: are we addressing the right problem? If it turns out we're not, we may be missing out on the potential to innovate, to reinvent.

"There's an anecdote I heard long ago," recalls Achmad, "involving a building management company that was inundated by complaints about slow elevator service." The problem, he continues, was initially framed as a choice between (a) taking the elevator completely out of service to install a faster hoist technology and (b) adding a costly second elevator to double passenger capacity.

Fortunately, a maverick on the team managed to sell the others on an oblique strategy:  install large mirrors along the lobby walls. Remarkably, this change put an abrupt end to the complaints. Why? Because instead of standing awkwardly in the lobby, people now fixated their own reflections, and watching the elevator lights impatiently gave way to fixing their hair or straightening their lapels.

"If you take away the box," summarizes Dr. Teri, "what else is there? All of those questions add space. Embrace the openness, allowing all the possibilities to come into your mind."

Listen to Episode 14: Rejecting Binary Bullshit now on:
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Solitude doesn't always coincide with loneliness. On the contrary, solitude is an often-employed vehicle for sharpening focus, manifesting intention, or simply being in the present.

But solitude as a means to strengthen relationships? Though the paradox is startling, the underlying logic is compelling.

"Be alone with your thoughts," advises Dr. Teri. "Then you get to be a whole person. That gives you something to check in with when you need to set boundaries, when you want to make a choice: Do I want to deepen this relationship? Are they in alignment with who I want to be? Do they bring something to the table that is in alignment with who I am?"

What kinds of relationships are we talking about? Romantic relationships, certainly, but also family relationships, work and professional relationships, and even relatively transactional relationships, like the one you have with your plumber or your dentist. Of course, the more intimate the relationship, the greater the return on investment from your practice of intentional solitude.
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“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars.”
– Eve Ensler
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"It also allows you to be in a better position," adds Dr. Teri, "when you're negotiating...for a job or anything else. You're not taken for a ride as much if you're able to be with yourself while you're with other people."

Of course, our current COVID-19 pandemic constrains the ways by which we can be with other people. It's thus worth asking: have you noticed any improvements in the quality of your relationships as a result of your isolation?

The connection between solitude and healthy human relationships is vital. We need to overcome our tendency to think of relationships as dynamic and solitude as passive. Our intentional practice of solitude should be every bit as dynamic as our most formative relationships.

With practice, Dr. Teri explains, there comes a point where your solitude becomes a strength. Once you fully know that you're okay when you're alone, you can check in with yourself even when other people are around, and notice your reactions to what they're doing, what they're saying. You start to notice new parts of yourself. This self-knowledge equips you to respond in healthier ways to the people with whom you're in relationship.

Listen to Episode 13: How Solitude Strengthens Relationships now on:
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A bullheaded woman is forced off an airplane for refusing to wear a mask during a pandemic. Facebook's lackluster efforts to control hate speech leads to an advertising boycott by more than 250 consumer companies. And years after former quarterback Colin Kaepernick is shunned the National Football League, players for Major League Baseball's Washington Nationals, New York Yankees, Los Angeles Dodgers, and San Francisco Giants take a knee to open the season in a "pre-game tribute to Black Lives Matter."

What goes around comes around. How sweet, the righteous hand of karma!

Well no, actually. These aren't examples of karma. Moreover, karma probably isn't what you think it is.

To complicate matters further, the question of karma's true nature, and where it begins and ends, remains a topic of disagreement even among scholars of Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism, and Taoism, where karma constitutes a central spiritual principle.

"People are using 'karma' from a place of judgment," observes Dr. Teri. They are, as she puts it, weaponizing the concept. It's a direct extension of their sense of superiority, a conviction not only that they can unflinchingly differentiate right from wrong, but also that they know the universe will intervene to right the wrong.

One flaw in this thinking is the assumption that karmic consequence is necessarily negative, all stick and no carrot. Another flaw is the expectation that these consequences will be material in nature.

Karma is not revenge. It's not justice. It's not fate, and it's not a scorecard.

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“If I take yellow and blue paint and mix them together, that makes green. That is karma.”
– Dr. Teri Baydar
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In truth, karma is the principle that our intentions and actions bring consequences. A cause-and-effect phenomenon, to be sure, but one that allows for the effect to manifest today, next week, ten years from now, or in some future lifetime. Further, that manifestation may be material, emotional, or spiritual in nature.

"Karma is actually neutral," Dr. Teri explains. "If I take yellow and blue paint and mix them together, that makes green. That is karma."

Why does karma matter from a leadership development perspective? Quite simply because to gain an understanding of karma is to develop one's self-awareness, to enable choices and vision for the greater good, and to connect with our higher selves.

Listen to Episode 12: Seeing Karma in a Different Light now on:
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Isolation. Quarantine. Distance.

We're all being asked to live in a new place that's way outside of our comfort zone, thanks to our COVID19 #pandemic. This new place is a station of solitude. We've pivoted overnight from a group-hugging, fist-bumping, Agile-scrumming, carpooling, and happy-hour reveling wonderland to a disquieting work-from-home, distance-teaching, virtual-meeting, and Zoom-concert limbo.

And the pivot is clearly taking a toll on our physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being.

Yet like so many phenomena we're coping with right now, our necessary solitude is in many respects just an escalation of a sickness that's been plaguing us for decades.

Dr. Teri calls it Left-Brain Loneliness.

"We're living in little pods," she notes. "And that intensifies our sense of separation, the us-versus-them, the otherism."

So what's the left-brain connection? Dr. Teri reminds us that this feeling of loneliness comes from the place in our minds dominated by linearity, binary modeling, manipulation, and materiality.

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“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.”
– Honoré de Balzac
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Our perception – our attitudes – create our experiences, which influence the way we react to people. Our reactions in turn influence the way they perceive us, and the ways in which they interact with us, in an ever-widening ripple effect. In this insidious spiral, left-brain loneliness marks the start of our descent into a dark, calculating, manipulating mindset.

Moreover, for all the ills that come with commodifying our friends, colleagues, and even fellow family members – reducing them to mere units of value and risk – the real damage comes from the way this mindset leads us to dehumanize ourselves. Whether positive or negative, what goes around comes around.

How do we free ourselves from this damaging cycle of loneliness and self-loathing?

"Connect with the core of your being and the loneliness goes away," Dr. Teri assures us, "no matter how isolated you are." She describes a simple exercise she uses with clients  coping with left-brain loneliness. "Try to see yourself moving from 'alone' to 'all one.' Just by adding that 'L,' you not only take comfort in the fact that you're not alone; you embark on your personal journey to becoming an altruist."

In other words, by embracing the humanity in others – in real life or on Zoom meetings, at a distance or in close quarters – we grow into the richness of our own, vital humanity. We can thus become our own best friends.

Listen to Episode 11: Left-Brain Loneliness now on:
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