Parent With a Pro

In last week's episode, we talked about sassy, spirited and strong-willed kids that are bossy or don't pick up on social cues easily.  This week, we're covering the opposite end of the spectrum by talking about kids who are more shy.  Clinical mental health counselor, Mike Fitch teaches that a child might fit into this category for one of the following reasons:

They have anxiety about social situations

They are naturally more introverted

They have been burnt in social situations and have given up

They have been bullied and are afraid

If you have a child who is more on the shy side, this is a great episode to listen to!  Mike outlines how to recognize why your child is shy and specific strategies to help them be comfortable socially.

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We all know that sassy, spirited, and strong-willed kids have some really useful personality traits. "S" kids are generally strong, not afraid to say what they think, will stand up for themselves, and so much more.  However, they also have traits that make it hard for them to function well with their peers.  I polled the parents of our private Facebook to see what characteristics their kids had that were getting in the way of their ability to make a keep friends.  The parents answers feel into one of the two following categories:

Loud and bossy with their peers

 Anxious or shy around their peers

For the next two episodes, clinical mental health counselor, Mike Fitch teaches how to help kids in each of these categories function better in social situations.

In this week's episode, we talk specifically about the Loud and Bossy kids while in next week's we discuss the Shy and Anxious kids.  Both episode's are jam packed with ways to help your children develop much-desired social skills.

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Mike Fitch, CMHC

Bossy and in-charge kids

These are kids that like to lead the play and be in charge.  The want to have things go their way. It’s hard for them to let others lead or choose the activities.

These kids might also struggle with personal space, picking up on social cues, and over-stimulating their friends.

Tools for the kids that have a hard to respecting personal space and inundate others with information

Teach these kids a good distance to stand from people, then practice at home.

Also, teach them to read body language:

Look at the person’s eyes-is the person you are talking to looking back at you or are they looking around? Are they blinking very often or just staring at you? If they’re looking around or not blinking, they probably are ready for the conversation to end.

Also, are the person’s eyes glazed over?  Do they look engaged in the conversation or like they are spacing out?

Look at the person’s shoulders- if the person you are talking to has their shoulders square to you it means they’re interested in the conversation.  If the shoulders are pointed somewhere else, that indicates that they would like to be somewhere else.

Look at the person’s feet-similar rules apply for people’s feet as it does for their shoulders.  If the person you’re talking to has their feet pointed somewhere other than at you, that means they would like to go another direction.

Teach your child to be aware of verbal cues

Is the person that you’re talking to responding at all or just saying “uh, huh”

Is the person you’re talking to getting a chance to talk as well

Is the person you’re talking to asking you questions or just nodding their head?

Role play

I suggest role playing often.  Giving your kids an opportunity to practice at home with you will help them before they go out into the real world.  Take time to pretend to be someone who’s really interested AND to pretend to be someone who’s not. Practice standing at the right distance from each other, taking turns talking and listening, and picking up on physical/verbal cues.

While some kids will pick up on social skills naturally, others will really need you to help them.

I suggest role playing several times a week until you feel your child is starting to make some progress.

Let them practice in the real world

Find some people that you know and love, people who are supportive and understanding.  Schedule a time to get together with them to let your child practice the social skills they’ve been pract...

Marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch says that around twenty-five percent of the counselling he does is helping parents be consistent in their approach parenting together.  He has had great success helping parents come together to find common ground in their approach.  Jeff Tesch, LMFT is graciously sharing his handout he gives parents to guide them to a place where they can see eye to eye and help eliminate disagreements over parenting.  Click here to download this resource.

I know that many of you are working so hard to improve your parenting skills and are starting to see a difference in how confident you feel as parents. You are likely starting to see improvement in your child's behavior. Now that I have spent hundreds of hours working with therapists for Parent with a Pro, I have come to find that there are some things the therapists keep mentioning that we can do as parents that will undo all the hard work we are doing!  That is the last thing I want to happen to you! This podcast will help you understand six of the most common pitfalls and how to avoid them.

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It is no secret that being a parenting can put a huge strain on a marriage.  With the kids having busy schedules, demanding a lot of time and attention, and so much more, we can find that our marriages take a hit.

The good news is that the experts know how to childproof a marriage.

In today's episode with Alan Brooks, LMFT teaches his top tips for a successful relationship with your spouse even when you have strong-willed kids!

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If you are getting ready to potty train or have tried and haven't had success, you'll want to listen to this episode.   Mike Fitch, CMHC has been a child therapist for a decade and in this episode he dispels some myths and teaches the do's and don'ts of potty training your tougher-to-train child.

I have a toddler that I'm getting ready to potty train and this episode couldn't have come at a better time.  I feel much more equipped to tackle the dreaded task.

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Mike Fitch, CMHC

Here’s Mike’s favorite “do’s” and “don’ts” of potty training

DON’T be worried if your child isn’t potty-trained at age two!

I love to answer this question for parents because some parents brag that their kids were all potty-trained by age 18 months.  As if they are better parents than you because your four-year old still wears diapers!

It is absolutely common and normal for a child not to be potty-trained until age five.  We really don’t start to get concerned as therapists about a child still wearing diapers/pull ups until they are about six years old.

If you have a child that’s over six and they still aren’t potty-trained, it would be a good idea to seek out professional help at that point.

Quite honestly, the majority of children don't potty train until they're between three to five years old!

I even have some clients that have kids who still have some accidents at night and they’re eight years old.  I tell those clients not to worry unless it’s a really consistent issue. It isn’t uncommon to have night-time wetting through age twelve.  It's just part of the process of aging and some kids have a ability to catch on really quickly and other kids just struggle with it longer.

DO watch for signs of readiness

In order for a child to potty train they need to show signs of readiness in a few different areas:

Physiological readiness-Is the child’s BODY ready to potty train.  A child could have a lot of desire to potty train but if they don’t have the muscle control or the attention span, they might have issues.

Some signs of physiological readiness are:

Your child can stay dry all through the night

Your child is aware of when they are going potty

Your child can concentrate for a period of time

Your child can sit on the toilet with some assistance

Psychological readiness- Your child may have the physical ability to go pottty in the toilet but they may not be mentally ready to potty train.  For some kids, they want to be in charge of when they potty train. For other kids, they have anxiety around toilets. If you’re not seeing signs of psychological readiness, you may want to wait.

Some signs of psychological readiness are:

Your child starts to talk about going potty

Your child expresses interest in wearing underwear

Your child wants to watch other use the toilet

Your child says they’re ready to earn the prize you’ve promised them for when they potty train

Note: if you have a child that is afraid of big toilets, try getting a small training toilet that might be less intimidating.

If you have a child that wants to be in charge of when they potty train, try to find something that would really motivate them to train.  Sometimes all it takes is the right bribe. Which leads us to our next “do”.

DO try to find a reward system that works for your child

Parents of sassy, spirited, and strong-willed children are no strangers to power struggles.  Here at Parent with a Pro, it is our goal to equip you with as many tools as possible to avoid those power struggles.

So what is one simple tool you could use starting today that would help you side step many power struggles without your kids even noticing that you did it?  Routines.

Having routines, set things you do at a certain time and in a certain order, has saved my bacon many times.

In this episode listen as Jeff Tesch, LMFT teaches the why and the how behind routines. I hope that they become as helpful in your home as they have been in mine.

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Using consequences effectively (learn more about that here and here) is one of the best ways to improve behavior, but it's not the only way.  Evidence has shown positive reinforcement to be an effective way to help our kids behave better and develop a deep sense of self-esteem.  As a parent, I know that I want both of those things.

Listen as Jeff Tesch, LMFT teaches the most effective way to use positive reinforcement in your home.  Many of the techniques are things you can start today!

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As a parent of a sassy, spirited, or strong-willed child, you know what it means to have your patience tried.  Your little cherubs want their way and they'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to get it.  Yet, we've been taught over and over again through the podcast, that parents need to be calm, cool, and collected.

So how are you supposed to be cool as a cucumber even though your buttons are getting pushed from sun up to sun down?

Jeff Tesch, LMFT has some excellent guidance in this fabulous episode!

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I'll be honest.  Parenting a strong-willed child has brought out the best in me and the worst in me.  I never knew I could be so forgiving, so resilient, and so loving.  I also never knew I could be so irritable, short-tempered, and angry.

As I have accepted that I am an imperfect parent and that I might not always do what I'm supposed to do, I have wanted to learn if there were some things I should never do.  What things I should vow to not do no matter how mad, exhausted, or fed up I am.  Which things could do more harm than good.

That's what today's episode is all about.  This is all evidence-based advice that I feel completely confident in sharing with you today.  I hope that you'll give it a listen as it may make a world of difference for you and your child.

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The big part of being successful in changing behavior is finding out what consequences work with each of our kids and using consequences effectively. Time out often works when other things don't. I often hear parents say, “It doesn't matter if we take screens away. It doesn't matter if they don't have friend time.” Those kinds of consequences for some kids don't matter, yet time outs generally do.

Learn how to use time out effectively from therapists and dad of six, Jeff Tesch, LMFT

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There seems to be a lot of debate about Time-out vs. Time-in.  If you would like to read more about that, here is a GREAT article!

Here at Parent with a Pro, we are supporters of time-out when done appropriately.  We also use time-ins for certain situations.  We love having both tools at our disposal.

Personally, using appropriate time outs has drastically changed our strong-willed child’s behavior.  We watched carefully to see if time-outs would have any negative affects on her self-esteem or on our relationship.  We saw the opposite!  A brief time out is our go to consequence and it has been so effective that we RARELY see misbehavior any more.  Our daughter is so much happier and our home is much more peaceful!  She frequently expresses her love for us and even tells us that we're awesome!  I think it's because we've followed the principles taught by marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch.

Read on to learn what we've learned.

Jeff Tesch, LMFT

Does Time Out Damage?  

There’s some misinformation out there that time out is damaging.  However, there’s no real science that supports that. Once again, to learn more about the research, click here. In my experience, you don't need to worry that a child having a break from their activity, from interaction, even interaction with you is going to be damaging. We could get into some extremes with time out. We'll make sure to clarify what's appropriate in this post. But when you're using it appropriately, you don't need to worry that it's harmful.

Why Time Out Is My Most Recommended Consequence

The big part of being successful in changing behavior is finding out what consequences work with each of our kids and using consequences effectively. Time out often works when other things don't. I often hear parents say, “It doesn't matter if we take screens away. It doesn't matter if they don't have friend time.” Those kinds of consequences for some kids don't matter, yet time outs generally do. They are more often likely to work even for a child that doesn't seem to care about other things being taken away.

It is convenient

You can use it multiple times during the day

You can use it when you are on the go

It motivates most kids to control their behavior because kids want to avoid having to take a break from what they’re doing to sit on a chair.

You can use a time out with kids of ALL ages

We can start using time out as soon as our kids are toddlers. That allows parents to nip bad behavior in the bud

Will Time Out Work For All Kids?

Time out is not for infants.  Also, there will be some kids who will not be motivated by time outs.  Before you decide that time out doesn’t work, be sure to try it CONSISTENTLY for a period of time.  Also, sometimes I tell parents to increase the time out time before they give up on it.  A nine year old can have a twenty minute time out.  You don’t have to do the “one minute per year of life” rule.  Just do what works.

What does an correctly done time out look like, sound like, feel like?

When a child misbehaves, if you’re using time out for that behavior you would be very brief stating what mistake was made. Example: “You hit your brother time for a time out”.