Parent With a Pro

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You're somewhere public: the grocery store, the park, or a restaurant.  Your child starts to misbehave in one way or another.

Time freezes.

It feels like everyone's eyes are on you, watching to see how you are going to handle your little sidekick.  You ask your child to behave, they get worse.  You threaten, bribe, beg and they still continue to misbehave.  What do you do?

If you have found yourself in this situation, you're going to want to listen to this episode.

Mike Fitch, CMHC provides clear, actionable steps to follow when your child misbehaves.

I have to say that I was surprised by some of the steps.

By the end of the episode, when everyone looks at you wondering what you're going to do, you'll be able to wink at them and say "I've got this".

LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW

Mike Fitch, CMHC

Tip #1 Prepare before you go

Kids like to know what the rules, boundaries, and expectations are.  They also like to see what they can get away with. They will test the boundaries when you are in public, so I think it’s better to tell your kids what the expectations are before you leave the house.

Discuss with your kids what rules you have for the supermarket, for the playground, for grandma’s house.  

Also let your kids know what the consequences will be for misbehavior.

This sets everyone up for success.  It sets your kids up for success because they know how they should behave and it sets you up for success because you’ll know how you’re going to respond to misbehavior.

Tip #2 Remind your kids of the expectations

We do NOT believe in giving warnings and second chances AFTER misbehavior has occurred, read more about that here.  However, asking your kids what the rules are at the grocery store BEFORE you go into the grocery store can help them remember the expectations and give them a better chance of success.

For example:

If you have a rule that you don’t buy treats for kids that are whiny, remind them before you go in.  

If you have a rule that the kids need to stay close to you, remind them before you go in.

After a while, you won’t need to remind your kids of all the rules, they will just know them.  It would be silly to remind your kids about grocery store rules every time you go to the grocery store for the next ten years.  Once you know they know the rules, drop the reminders.

Tip #3 Follow through

If you have discussed expectations and consequences with your children, you absolutely MUST follow through!!  I cannot stress this enough. You don’t have to say much, in fact, I encourage you to say as little as possible.  Just simply state what the child did that wasn’t OK then follow through with the consequence.

If you say that there are no treats for kids that are whiny and you give your child treat when they are whiny, you’ve taught them not to take you seriously.  If you want your experience in public to be positive, you must follow through with your “behave in public” plan.

Will that mean that sometimes you’ll have to leave a store, the park, a friend’s house, etc?  Yes! Will that mean that you might have to take a break from your activities to take a short time-out?  Yes. But here’s the good news. If you stick to your plan and are absolutely consistent with it, your child will learn to behave in public and you will very RARELY have issues.

Good parenting takes a lot of work and consistency up front, but that investment will pay you back in the future.  

Note: When choosing a consequence for misbehavior in public make sure the consequence is neither too big nor too small.  To learn more about choosing good consequences, go here.

Tell me I'm not alone. I can't be the only parent that feels like they're going head-to-head with their strong-willed child EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I thought parenthood would be a series of one Hallmark moment after another. Instead, it's one power struggle after another.  A battle of wills.

I don't know about you, but I am tired of the power struggles.  I want peace and happiness in my home.  I want to be able to make it through a bedtime routine, homework, or chores without feeling like I have to suit up for battle.

That's why I interviewed one of the best therapists around, Jeff Tesch.  Jeff has a proven strategy for quickly diffusing power struggles.  He teaches all his clients this strategy, uses it with his six kids, and has used it with the twenty-nine different foster kids who have come through his home.  This man knows what he's talking about!

Go here if you'd like some ideas on how to AVOID power struggles!

LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW

JEFF TESCH, LMFT

What You Need to Know First

I don't think it's uncommon to see a power struggle between parents and children. I think it's a natural part of interactions in between us and our kids.  However, I don't think power struggles need to be long and hard. You can learn how to move through them pretty quickly, while teaching our kids a lot of important skills through that process.

It is very normal and healthy for our kids to express their will.  It’s our job to b their coach and teach them how to express their will at appropriate times and in appropriate ways.

Why You Need to Diffuse Power Struggles Quickly

Even though power struggles are normal, I do want you to be aware that the longer you ENGAGE in a power struggle, the worse it will be for both you and your child.  Your emotions will escalate, everyone will become more upset, and everyone can feel worse after.

What Causes a Power Struggle

I believe is simply a struggle between two wills, yours and your child’s.

For example:

It’s bedtime. You need to get your kids in bed. It's important for them to get their sleep. You feel strongly about it. So that's a strong will.

On the other hand, your child REALLY wants to stay up, finish their game, keep playing, etc.  They begin to express that while you’re still telling them they need to get ready for bed. Now you have a battle of two wills and a power struggle.

How Do I Know If I’m In a Power Struggle?

I think as soon as it starts to feel like you’re going back and forth with your child.  You’re defending your position and they’re defending theirs.

You may also feel like the conversation isn’t getting you anywhere or that emotions are now starting to get triggered.

I like to call it tug of war.  Imagine a rope, you’re holding one end, your child is holding the other.  When you express your will, you’re tugging on your side of the rope. When they’re expressing their will, they’re tugging on their side of the rope.  Anytime you feel that you are engaging in a “tug of war” with your child, you’re in a power struggle.

Note: Anytime you are in a power struggle, you are going to want to find a way to stop it as fast as possible.  A power struggle is a lose-lose situation. Once again, learn how to avoid a power struggle here and keep reading below to learn how to quickly diffuse one.

How To Diffuse a Power Struggle

Step #1 Drop your side of the rope

The first step is recognition that your in a power struggle then stopping or dropping your side of the rope.  Sometimes our kids want us to engage in a power struggle. In our example earlier, if a child is avoiding bedtime, they know that they can stay up later if they get you to play “tug of war” with them.

Here are some things you can say to drop your side of the rope…...

Season 1 Episode 1

About Parent with a Pro

Welcome to our first episode of Parent with a Pro!

In this episode you will learn:

About me, the founder of Parent with a Pro

The purpose and mission of Parent with a Pro