Parent With a Pro

Strong-willed kids want their way.  Heck, I want my way!  However, kids throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way is frustrating behavior!  I learned from today's episode, that tantrums are a behavior we should NEVER give into.

Listen to learn what else you need to know about tantrums.

LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Here's the deal.  We all need some help calming down from time to time (or often).  We learned in last week's episode on anxiety that some basic breathing techniques can calm the body and communicate to the brain that you are OK.

I asked Mike Fitch, CMHC to do a special BONUS episode designed to teach simple breathing techniques to help us calm down.  My favorite part?  They only take five minutes a day!

These techniques are for everyone.

Happy Listening!

Could my child have anxiety?  This is a question many parents of sassy, spirited, and strong-willed children may have.

In today's episode we learn what anxiety is, how it effects your child's behavior, and some exercises for calming the anxious child (or anxious adult).

I was surprised to learn that much of my child's behavior stems from his anxieties and I am excited to start using the new tools Mike Fitch, CMHC teaches.

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Mike Fitch, CMHC

Is it common for a strong-willed child to have anxiety?

Yes! It is not uncommon for a strong-willed child to have anxiety.  In fact, for some strong-willed children anxiety is the ROOT of their behavior.  This is not the case for all kids. But many parents don’t know that anxiety (and depression) can manifest in a child as anger or defiance.

What is anxiety?

True anxiety is when a person’s brain “misfires”.  You have different portions of your brain. You are have one portion of your brain that is responsible for thinking and being rational.  You have another part of your brain that is responsible for keeping you alive. That part of that brain triggers the “fight or flight” response that people hear about so often.

In a person with anxiety, the “fight or flight” part of the brain is overactive and when a stimulus enters the brain it travels to the fight or flight part of the brain rather than the rational part of the brain.  Hence, the “misfire”.

Here’s an example of what this looks like in an everyday scenario:

A “typical” child, one with normal brain functioning may be scared to go to a new school, but can rationally think about the positive things that could happen.  They can talk themselves into going.

The child with anxiety cannot rationally talk themselves into going.  Rather, the brain will trigger their “fight or flight” response. That child will either shut down and cry OR will be defiant and fight you.  It’s important to understand that the child isn’t doing this to be mean, in their mind they’re doing it to survive!

What are some signs that my child has anxiety?

Is there something that is consistently an issue for them?

i.e. Are they scared to go anywhere with a dog?

excessive worry most days of the week, for weeks on end

trouble sleeping at night or sleepiness during the day

restlessness or fatigue during waking hours

trouble concentrating

irritability

Defiance

Excessive crying about particular worries for weeks on end

How do I know if I just have a strong-willed child or if I have a child with anxiety?

You're going to have to start tracking behavior.  Team up with another adult that is around your child a lot and start looking for patterns in their behavior.  Is there something that consistently triggers misbehavior, tantrums, crying or worry? Is it consistent in multiple environments?  Is it consistently affecting my child’s quality of life?

If you don’t find a pattern or if the behavior is different in different environments, chances are you have a strong-willed child, not a child with anxiety.  If there are a lot of consistencies, you can pinpoint triggers, and the triggers are affecting your child’s ability to function on a daily basis...please consider a consultation with a mental health professional.  They will be able to do further assessment to help diagnose your child. All of your hard work tracking information will be very helpful to whome...

Do any of you have kids that are starting to lie?  I do and I have googled what to do about it.  The different articles that I have read have conflicted with each other.  I finally decided that it was time to talk to the expert to learn what he had to say.

In this episode, Jeff Tesch teaches about two different kinds of dishonesty, which one you need to address and how to address in the best way.

Best of luck to all of us with this behavior!

LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Being a parent of a sassy, spirited, or strong-willed child is a ton of work!  If only that were our only responsibility.  Unfortunately, we also have the enormous responsibility of running a household as well.  Wouldn't it be such a relief if we could get our kids to help out more around the house so we didn't have to do it alone?  Have you ever wondered how to do that?

In this episode you are going to learn how to share the responsibility of caring for the home with your children.  We have specific tips for those extra stubborn kids who are very reluctant to help.

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Mike Fitch, CMHC

For more ideas on getting your kids to help around the house, click here.

How doing chores helps your kids

Children need to feel like they belong to a group, that they can identify with a family.  This is why kids look to friends and gangs for community. You want your kids to feel like they belong to YOUR family.  One of the best ways to do that is by having them contribute to your family home. Even though your kids may not enjoy doing chores, subconsciously, their contribution helps them feel like a part of your family.

Chores also teach your children that they need to pull their own weight.  How much of their life will be spent working with others? A lot of it. They need to learn to contribute to whatever group they are working with whether that be at home, work, or school.  Doing chores at home helps them learn how to contribute.

Next, being assigned a chore and completing it can help a child’s self-esteem.  It’s good for them to see that they have the capacity to do hard things, to follow through with tasks, to be in charge.

Who knew scrubbing toilets could be so good for our kids?

Here are some tips for getting your strong-willed kids to help around the house.

Tip #1 Understand common chore issues for strong-willed kids

Strong-willed kids seem really focused on fairness.  They want all the chores to be equal for everyone in the home.  They may not understand that a younger child can’t do the same chore as an older child.  You may have to explain things to them a lot.

Strong-willed kids also like to do things on their own time table.  They may not want to do chores when you tell them to. You can give them some choice in what chores they need to complete and what time they need to complete them.

Some strong-willed kids are also considered “Oppositional Defiant” meaning they're going to dig their heels in just because you asked them to do something.  There's no rhyme or reason. It's not interrupting something necessarily just that it's an authority issue.

Tip #2 Be aware of your child’s capabilities

Make sure the chores that you assign your children are age appropriate.  You could accidentally expect too much or too little from your children.

There are a lot of “Chores by age” charts online.  You may want to check some of those out to get an idea of what your child should be doing by what age.

You might be surprised by how much your kids can do with a little bit of coaching and guidance.  Children used to have HUGE responsibilities at a really young age. Try to give your child something that will challenge them a little, but that they can do a good job with.  It’s really all about finding a good balance.

Some of you may wonder how old a child needs to be before you can ask them to help with chores.  I say, start as soon as you can. A toddler can help pick up toys, put placemats away, or put laundry in their drawers.  

Plus, the younger you start, the better.  It’s easier to get a teenager to do chores if they’ve always had to do chores versus trying to get a teenager to do chores that’s never had to do chores.

For those of you who aren't super familiar with Parent with a Pro, we have a private Facebook group for parents like us (come join us).  In this private Facebook group, therapist Jeff Tesch does a weekly "Ask the Expert" where we get to ask him any parenting questions we have.  During one of these Q and A sessions, the topic of consequences came up.  It turns out that many of us had a lot of questions about consequences.  Jeff and I covered several of them in Episode 012 but decided that we needed an additional episode.

That's how this episode came to be.  I asked Jeff all the consequence questions from the parents in the group, thinking that I would be able to stump him, but Jeff knew the answers to each question!  We are so lucky to have him.

This episode is a must listen if you have any issues with consequences at your house.

LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

As parents we all know that we need to use consequences.  But has anyone sat down to teach you the ins and outs of consequences?  The do's the don'ts? The common mistakes to avoid?

That's what today's episode is all about.  Therapist and parenting expert, Jeff Tesch talks about the most common consequence mistakes that he sees parents making and how to avoid them.

I loved learning from him and doing a self-evaluation to see if I am committing any of the common consequence mistakes.  I was surprised to find out that I was making ALL of them.

LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Once, when I was 16 or 17 years old, I got up the guts to tell my mom "No" right to her face...once.

Holy moly, if only that were the case for us as parents of sassy, spirited, and strong-willed kids!  My kids were born with the word "No" on the tip of their tongues, just waiting to be used daily.  Many times daily.  Defiance is honestly one of the things that wears me out the most.  When I hear my kids get up in the morning, one of my first thoughts is "I can't do another day of defiance."

I don't want to feel that way any more and I don't want any of you to feel that way either.  Because of that, I am over the moon about today's episode!

Alan Brooks, LMFT gives us not only one way to respond to defiance, or two ways, he gives us SEVEN different ways for you to choose from! After you listen to this episode, you won't wonder what to do in a defiant situation, you'll wonder what you did before this podcast.

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Alan Brooks, LMFT

What you need to know about defiance

Kids are trying to to understand their world and what's going on.  They’re trying to make sense of rules and boundaries. Like most of us, they want control. They want power. They want to be in charge and that's hard. They want to be understood and have a voice.

The trouble is we can't let a three year old or even a thirteen year old fully be in charge.

But I want everyone to understand that defiance is not a sign of dysfunction or even a sign that your child will grow up to be defiant.  Rather defiance is a normal part of every child’s development. It's how they start to test the world around them, to see what their boundaries are. It's the way that they are voicing the feelings and the thoughts that they're having because they haven't learned anything else yet.

Use defiance as a teaching moment

In situations where your child is defiant, you have a really good opportunity to teach and model healthy ways for them to get what they want/need.  Even though it may feel negative, you can turn it into a positive so that by the time that they're eighteen and gone, they've got some really great tools.  

In the meantime, I want to give you seven solutions to help you handle defiance in a healthy way.

Re-frame how you see defiance

Here’s a quote that I really like:

“Toddler defiance is just a sign of healthy development.”  

This is so true.  You're going to have some defiance. In fact, you want that. You want kids to be independent. You want them to be curious and capable and inquisitive.  You don't want to raise little robots. You don't want to raise push overs that don’t have a voice and can't stand up for anything. Let's let them be strong. Celebrate that.

Solution #1 Childproofing

I still remember 20 years ago going to Thanksgiving on the east coast to a great grandma’s house.  Her house was not kid friendly. I spent two days chasing my toddler around telling him “No”, “You can't touch that”, and “You can't do that!” It was miserable for him and for me. So just do what you can to make your home and your surroundings as kid friendly as possible.

Also, maybe look at the things that caused defiant behavior in the past and eliminate those things. If treats are an issue, maybe decrease the amount of treats you have in the home.  If electronics are an issue, maybe invest in a device that controls how much electronic time each child can have per day.

Really look at what triggers defiance and see if you can’t eliminate some of it to make everyone happier.

Solution #2 Fortify your child

What does that mean?  Again we're talking preventative here, but a child will not behave well if they do not feel well.  If you want your child to be less defiant it’s good to pay attention to their basic needs. I use the acronym H.A.

Ooooh, few things irritate me more than back talk!  Can I get an, Amen?!  Backtalk just feels so disrespectful! I have to say that my visceral response to backtalk is to ground my child until they can apply for social security.

Since that's not an option, I'm grateful that Jeff Tesch, LMFT has a healthy, effective way to respond to back talk.

Next time your little whipper-snapper says something rude to you, you are going to respond like the in-charge adult that you are.

Won't that feel great?

LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

On my side of the family, we only have kids that are sassy, spirited and strong-willed (it may have something to do with the fact that 5 out of the 6 grand kids are adopted).  One of the things that has been most surprising for me is how much emotion these kids have!  When they are happy, they are intensely happy.  When they are upset, they are intensely upset!

Watching these kids get so upset has been hard for me. I keep drawing a blank on how to help them and just find myself repeating "calm down" over and over again.

That's why I am so jazzed about today's episode!  Mike Fitch, CMHC gives calming techniques that are specific to your child.  By the end of the episode, you will know how to create an "emotional emergency kit" for your kids. (Bonus: these techniques are great for parents, too.  Kids aren't the only ones with big emotions.)

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Mike Fitch, CMHC

Note: If you need help being calmer, use the techniques in this post for yourself, too!

How do we help our strong-willed children manage their big emotions?

1. Realize that big emotions are normal for the strong-willed child

Know that their big emotions are absolutely normal!  Strong-willed kids just seem to have more intense emotions.  They are often your happiest child AND your most upset child.  They feel things in extremes.

Big emotions are part of their personality. Some kids have very little personality and emotions while other have an extreme amount of personality and emotion.  Having lots of emotions does not make your child bad, but they do need you to teach them how to manage their emotions.

2. Know that you are your child's best emotional coach

One of the most important roles a parent has, is to be their child’s emotional coach.  I’m not saying that a parent should take RESPONSIBILITY or OWNERSHIP of their child’s emotions.  Rather, that parents are the ones who need to teach their children healthy ways to manage their emotions.

This is done both through words and through example.  Your children will watch you to see how you manage your emotions and then will copy what you do.

3. Time PLUS Good coaching often lead to good outcomes

Trust that your children will be better equipped to manage their emotions as they age and mature.  Your children’s brains are undergoing so much construction and reconstruction when they’re younger, that it is challenging for them to manage their emotions well.  But think about how much more capable YOU are at managing your emotions than when you were younger.

However, maturity alone is not enough.  Our kids do need the coaching I talked about earlier in order to learn how to manage their emotions.  Then as they mature, they will know what to do and be better equipped to do it.

4. Learning to manage emotions is a lifelong process.  Be patient with the process.

While you may be better able to manage your emotions as an adult, do you still struggle with your emotions?  Chances are the answer is “Yes”. Emotions are a challenge for us ALL until the day we die.

While you are teaching your children to manage their emotions better, realize that they will have good days and bad days...just like you.

5. Teaching your child how to manage emotions now is a HUGE gift to them

Knowing that managing emotions is a lifelong process, imagine how much better off your kids will be because you are teaching them young.  This will give them lots of opportunities to practice in the safety of your home. They will be so much further ahead than many of their peers.

Thank you for being a parent that cares as much as you do and is dedicated to helping their child!!

6. Become aware of how your child expresses their emotions:

I love to teach parents that kids express their emotions with different parts ...