Parenting in the Trenches with Karen Peters

When the pandemic first hit, families put on their best armour and hunkered down. We were "in this together", determined and mostly unified. But then it wore on and on...and on, leaving us depleted, having to make complicated decisions about healthy limits and boundaries, and forcing us to see what we were capable of adjusting to. Parents have had to think about the differing needs of their kids and how to weigh the cost of social distancing with their mental wellbeing. They've had to navigate really challenging and personal-feeling debates with loved ones about how to respect one another's judgement calls about what was going to be ok and not ok to participate in, in some cases causing significant ruptures in family ties. Working from home and in some cases schooling from home has become a reality, and for others, there's been major financial restructuring just to get through this year. We're all up in each others faces now, with little space to collect ourselves or wear just one hat at a time.

In today's episode we want to honor the challenges and hear from families first hand about what they've found has made the difference for them in terms of carrying forward and adjusting. Resilience doesn't come easy, folks....it's worked at. I find that it helps to hear ourselves in the stories of others, experience closeness through witnessing stories that may not yet resonate, and have the opportunity to share resources - the strategies and supports that have helped us wind our way through the mess of this first-time pandemic experience we're all in the midst of. So that's what we're going to do - sit in the mess together and offer one another some hope.

And if a little side reading is helpful for you, check out a couple of articles I wrote back in March and May when this crazy virus first hit us. It includes some practical tips for helping your family cope and thrive during this time.
 https://thrive-life.ca/coping-in-the-midst-of-covid-19-mental-health-scaffolding-for-the-family/
https://thrive-life.ca/paying-it-forwardwisdom-from-clients-during-the-pandemic/

You can find me on Facebook: Karen Peters, RCC
Or on Instagram: @karenpeters_rcc
You can also subscribe for updates at https://www.my.thrive-life.ca/parenting-in-the-trenches

Treading water with you,
Karen

You know how tricky it is to parent an anxious child at home and you know that kids with overwhelming fears and worries do not just feel them at home. For nearly half their waking hours, kids are in the care of teachers and school or daycare supports and in the midst of a tonne of social dynamics that can poke at anxiety and make it grow. And one thing we know about helping our kids cope with anxiety, is that they need consistent, steady messaging from grounded adults around them. What better partnership than caregivers and teachers to offer your child a solid base from which to learn to feel safe and calm. Today we're talking with school counsellors, Megan Beyer and Dave McVety, about how educators and parents can help children and youth cope better both in the classroom and on the playground.

As promised, here's the link to check out tools associated with the therapeutic approach both our guests align with. https://www.emotionfocusedfamilytherapy.org

Anxiety begs us to change our environments so we can avoid the things we're anxious about. And the relief payoff when we do it is huge. No wonder it's just easier to keep moving things around so we can cope. But at what point does this just perpetuate the problem? As caregivers, we're having to assess and make moment to moment decisions about when to make things easier for our kids and when to help them face the challenge, even when it's hard. When we decide to make things easier for them, it often comes with this niggling background thought of "if I keep doing this, how will they ever learn to manage it?". The truth is, anxious kids need some purposeful accommodations but they also need to learn to face things by going through it. We're going to talk about that fine line and how to know where it sits for your kiddo.

Skill-building is key. When you have the tools and you have opportunities to try them out, you start believing in yourself and your ability to face and manage hard situations. As parents you are in a prime position to teach your kids these skills for life. I've built a family-based course with this in mind, so if it's helpful to have someone guide you through the skill-building process and see results for your whole family, give this a try. I want you to walk away with hope that this can and will get better if you dedicate the time and energy into skill building, so I've invited a fellow mom to the conversation who has walked the walk, and has seen amazing outcomes for her now grown kids. Cindy Thompson is holding a light at the end of our tunnels, so don't stop the journey. It can get much better, we promise.

Here's a link to my online course for families called "CBT for the Family: Tools for life". It's a 9 week course designed to build your anxiety-reduction tool kit and you can do it at your own pace from the comfort of your own home. https://www.my.thrive-life.ca/cbtforthefamily-course

If you'd like access to the free worksheet that helps you break down anxiety-provoking problems into manageable steps, sign up here and we'll email it to you: https://www.my.thrive-life.ca/parenting-in-the-trenches

If your child's anxiety presents in the form of anger, check out this talk I did with FamilySmart - you may find this conversation helpful for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk7b45uMxn0

If you'd like to hear more from our guest, Cindy Thompson, she has her own podcast on resilience that I'd highly recommend checking out: https://www.aresilienceproject.com/

I often have the saying, "Anxiety is contagious, but so is courage" on my office whiteboard because I think it's a great counter message to how clients with overwhelming anxiety think about it. Anxiety can spillover and cause otherwise calm and grounded caregivers to become hypervigilant and always ready for their kids to be overtaken by their fears and worries. Naturally, their chronic readiness for perceived danger becomes our mode as well. It's important to remember that the antidote is courage and it's just as contagious. Let's talk about how to detect the spillover, manage our own anxiety, and use courage to demonstrate to our kids that anxiety can be shrunk down to size.

I'd encourage you to check out a couple of resources that you might find helpful in managing anxiety, either as individuals or as a family.

Want to learn practical ways to coregulate with your dysregulated kids? This online course will provide that for you in 45 min, rewatchable on demand. https://www.my.thrive-life.ca/coregulation-course

The MindShift App - https://www.anxietycanada.com/resources/mindshift-cbt/

An online course for families teaching anxiety reduction skills that will serve you life long - CBT for the Family: Tools for Life - https://www.my.thrive-life.ca/cbtforthefamily-course

If you're feeling burnt out, consider this incredible book by Emily and Amelia Nagoski: Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.

The tween and teen years are a bit of a mystery in terms of knowing how to connect with them, how to support them, and how to communicate without pushing hot buttons that cause a blow up or retreat. There are reasons for this, but that doesn't make it any less tricky to parent effectively. I've got some inside info for you from years of working with clients in this age group who were able to open up about the underlying factors that fed their anxiety.

If you want to find The Kissing Hand book I referenced today, check it out here: https://www.amazon.ca/Kissing-Hand-Audrey-Penn/dp/1933718102/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAlsv_BRDtARIsAHMGVSZHY0ws-nPDNtvvxEtFy_VdsQQpaAPMLsAkDxSqlRjFvz3avJL0AncaAlVoEALw_wcB&hvadid=229987936493&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9060809&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=5105440855996452246&hvtargid=kwd-301158690642&hydadcr=16516_10238834&keywords=the+kissing+hand+book&qid=1609805981&sr=8-2&tag=googcana-20

Like most things that interfere with life, the best time to catch Anxiety, that unwanted house guest, is to nip it in the bud. Great plan, but it takes some tools to spot it, name it and address it well. That's what we're tackling today in our first episode in this series on anxiety. And if you hear this and think, "oh crumbs, I missed the early detection boat and Anxiety no longer feels like a brief visitor but more like a semi-permanent squatter or a firmly established family member", don't worry...we'll get to that in the coming episodes, as well as talking about how you can partner up with your kids' teachers to support them in the classroom and on the playground. 

A Letter from the Trenches

Dear Parent,

I’m having one of those surreal moments, where something I was slowly creating over the last number of months and seemed like a just a dream, has become Real! Kinda like when the Velveteen Rabbit became Real after the love sank in. Ya know? 

I’m so excited to be sharing with you my new, weekly podcast for 2021 called “Parenting in the Trenches”. Why the trenches, you ask? When I think of the trenches, I think about noble, dedicated people who are tasked with making both intentional and split-second decisions that could change the course of their lives and the lives of those they love. I think about people in the trenches representing others ‘back home’ and wanting something better for them as a result of what they’re doing and how it’s often a thankless role. Trenches are freakin’ messy - full of mud, sweat, tears and re-worn clothes. Parenting with purpose doesn’t happen without being willing to get dirty, sticky and Real.

I created this because I’m a mom and I’m a Registered Clinical Counsellor who works with kids, teens, couples and families and after 20 years of gathering experiences, knowledge and wisdom from my spouse, kids and clients, I feel selfish for holding on to the goods. I simply want to share them and a podcast seemed like my best way of getting it out to you. My mission is to offer a window into reality and a door to hope. 

So what do I have in store for you? I have some incredibly wise and insightful guests lined up and we’re going to stand together in the messiness of Real parenting, Real relationships, and Real mental health struggles. We’re gonna talk about transitions like how to adjust after your baby is born, how to navigate significant changes in your couples relationship, how to be the best empty nesters you can be, and everything parenting-related in between. We’ll address mental health struggles, adoption experiences, epic tantrums, communication patterns and coping skills. If it’s Real, we’re gonna unpack it. Because when we look at what troubles and intimidates us, we feel less alone and find better ways to deal with it. 

If you want to hear more about what we’ll cover, please take a listen to the special Intro episode and if it leaves you intrigued, please make a weekly date with me and join in on these honest, vulnerable and informing conversations.

You can follow me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Karen-Peters-RCC-102091961735086 and Instagram @KarenPeters_RCC

With you in the parenting trenches,

Karen