Parenting Teenagers Untangled

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This Wonder Room starts with my own parenting fail, involving granola, a sarcastic reply about Cheerios and an argument I really should have walked away from. If you’ve ever been rage-baited by your teen, you’re not alone.

I’m joined by Katharine Radice, teacher, author and mother of teenage boys, to take on the messy reality of living with teenagers. 

We cover:

• Why some teens seem to pick fights, and why a row can feel like a release
• A listener’s message about her 14-year-old, who hit and kicked her when her phone was taken away: how to help teens catch anger before it explodes, why small things are worth a conversation before they become a row, and why we shouldn’t assume a child will turn out like a difficult relative
• How to talk about phones with an autistic teen or one with PDA who resists conversation, including listening without words, setting a timer and using language that doesn’t feel like a demand
• Our response to Dr Özgür Bolat’s ideas in The Reward Trap: where we agree on praise and motivation, and what you do when the homework still has to get done
• Why a task doesn’t have to be fun, it has to feel worth it, and how sitting alongside your teen can help more than stepping in
• What happens when teens work towards a dream and it doesn’t deliver, as Katharine sees with some of her Cambridge students

You’ll come away with practical ways to handle anger, resistance and motivation, and a reminder to slow down, find the joy now and tell your teenager you enjoy their company.

While I have your attention, I’ve got to tell you about this Vax carpet cleaner I bought. (I have absolutely no affiliation and make no money from this) I’ve been using it regularly because my dog hasn’t been well and has been using the indoors as a toilet. Honestly, it’s the most fantastic purchase that I wish I’d bought twenty years ago when my babies came along. 

It’s light, really simple to use, and even has a self-cleaning function. I went on Amazon to give it a five star review and saw that it’s discounted right now. 

Helpful old episodes:

Anger management 

Parenting complex teens - Elaine Taylor-Klaus

The Reward Trap

Lazy to Motivated

I’ve put the key tips in a PDF for my substack subscribers. Join here

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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

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Ask Rachel anything

What if the things we do to motivate our teenagers are doing the opposite?

Most of us have done it. A tenner for a good exam result. An hour on the Xbox once the homework is done. A new phone if the grades come back right.

It works, in the moment. But Dr Özgür Bolat thinks we are paying a much higher price than we realise.

Özgür is an educational scientist with a master's from Harvard, a PhD from Cambridge and a visiting research post at MIT Sloan. He has advised Google, YouTube Kids and Unilever on child development. His book, The Reward Trap, draws on seven decades of research to show why gold stars, treats, praise and privileges so often backfire, and what to do instead.

His interest is personal. He was the textbook high achiever: 56th out of a million students in Turkey's national exam, a perfect GPA at Harvard, a Cambridge doctorate. Then he came home, with everything going right, and felt anxious. He realised his happiness depended on outside approval. He had to keep succeeding to feel OK. And when he asked himself why, the answer led back to how he was parented.

For a full explanation of the points made in the podcast click here

Dr Özgür Bolat  -The Reward Trap

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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
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When your child is 12 and struggling, people might rally round. When they’re 19 and stuck in their bedroom, it can feel lonelier, and often more shameful, than it should.

This week in the Wonder Room, I’m joined again by teacher, author and mother of two Katharine Radice to unpick my conversation with family therapist Thomas Miller on young adults who fail to launch.

We talk about why “get a good job” is a brittle value and “value hard work” is a durable one, and why that difference matters so much.

We get into the difference between pressure and urgency, why no job is beneath anyone starting out, and how the sheer volume of AI-written applications are making genuine, human ones, stand out.

We also share three simple questions that help teens and young adults notice what’s doing them good, who they can learn from, and how to build their own network.

If you’re worried about a young adult who seems stuck, this one’s for you.

• Situated by Angela Duckworth
• The Disengaged Teen by Jennie Anderson and Dr Rebecca Winthrop
• Thank You for Being Late, by Thomas Friedman

Episodes:

• How part time jobs still make a massive difference
• Using mentors to change your life with Mitchell Osmond
• Failing to Launch with Thomas Miller
• Sleep/wake routine advice Ken Rabow
• Helping more complex kids with ADHD and other differences Elaine Taylor-Klaus

Listen to my conversation with Thomas Miller and this Wonder Room with Katharine Radice on Teenagers Untangled. And if a friend is having a wobble about this right now, send it their way.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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What can we do when our baby has technically reached adulthood, but they’re not working, they're drifting in and out of education, living at home with no obvious plan, or still relying on us for things we assumed they’d be managing by now? 

This week I’m joined by Thomas Miller, a family therapist who works with young adults and their parents on anxiety, addiction, neurodiversity and what’s often called “failure to launch.”

You’ll hear:

• A simple test to tell the difference between a young adult who’s genuinely stalled and one who’s just taking a bit longer to find their feet
• Why the whole family, not just the young person, is the key to change
• Where support tips into enabling, and why high-achieving parents are especially prone to overfunctioning
• How rescuing our kids can rob them of their dignity, and how to give it back
• Why knowing your family’s values gives you a way to talk about what’s going wrong
• Practical conversation techniques you can start using with younger teens now, to prevent problems later

Whether your child is 13 or 23, this one is about the bigger goal behind all our parenting: raising someone who can manage a life without us.

Find Thomas at Four Peaks Parents, where there’s a free workbook to help you assess where your young adult is.

Join my supportive community and get all the tips on how to tackle this situation by clicking here

Thomas Miller 

Other episodes that come at this from different angles:

Dr David Yeager with brilliant tools and deep understanding of how to motivate a young adult (he defines this anywhere beyond the age of 10!))

Ken Rabow giving very specific, practical ways of focusing on helping a young adult move forward

Elaine Taylor-Klaus on parenting more complex teens or tweens with ADHD autism or other differences

An old conversation with Susie from 2025 about the rising number of NEETS and how we parents can best support our kids.

My very first episode in which I talked about our parenting toolbox and how to delve into it to see what’s already there.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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Facebook

Ask Rachel anything

I've really needed a reminder of how emotional regulation works, and how to see the best in everyone, over the past three weeks. I think Dr Jody gave us the best talk on this and I loved her so much that it was a joy to have the chance to discuss her ideas with Katharine Radice.

I don't know about you but it's one of my favourite topics because it comes up all of the time when we're parenting teenagers and I need regular reminders to be kind to myself just as much as I need to be kind to my kids.

Here's a summary of what we discuss in this Wonder Room episode:

• Rachel and Katharine revisit Dr. Jody’s advice, including “walk them home,” “get eyes,” and “tell me more.”
• We discuss the idea that even attuned parents get it right only some of the time, the number that comes up is 30%! That means we only need to get it right 30% of the time to be one of the best parents. Obviously, that makes repair one of the most important parenting skills.
• A simple pause to make hot chocolate can prevent conflict from escalating.

Modeling repair

• Parents can acknowledge when they have lost their temper and apologize, because it shows children how relationships recover.
• Naming personal patterns and signs of stress can help families support one another without making children responsible for adult emotions.
• Repair between adults should be visible to children when possible, so they do not assume conflict is unresolved or their fault.

Teen independence and listening

• Parents need to adjust their support as children mature, balancing practical help with respect for their choices and agency.
• Listening and asking for more information can make space for children to express difficult feelings without requiring parents to have immediate answers.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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Ask Rachel anything

This episode will change how you see “bad behaviour” and might just change how you see yourself, too.

In this powerful conversation, with Dr Jody Carrington, we unpack what every parent and teacher needs to know about emotional regulation – and why you’re probably doing better than you think.

It fits perfectly with the lessons I've been learning as the mother of a badly injured daughter who needs me to stay strong while she gets back on her feet. You can read all about it by clicking here

In this episode, we cover:

1. What emotional regulation really is
   • The “flipped lid” model and the role of the prefrontal cortex
   • Why kids don’t “lose their goodness” – they just lose access to it
2. Why your regulation matters more than any parenting hack
   • “If the big people aren’t okay, the little people don’t stand a chance”
   • How our phones, watches and constant comparison are quietly dysregulating us
3. Behavior, consequences and connection
   • Why a strict rewards-and-punishments model backfires
   • The shift from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What happened to this child?”
4. Repair: the real superpower in families and classrooms
   • Why the best predictor of lasting relationships is the capacity to repair
   • How to apologise to your child (and your partner) in ways that actually heal
5. Practical tools you can use today
   • The phrases “Tell me more” and “What’s the hardest part?”
   • The “collect before you direct” principle
   • Everyday connection habits: eyes, car rides, bedtime, food, and shared interests
6. Hope for worried, exhausted parents
   • Why kids should be “worst” with you (and why that’s a good sign)
   • The 30% rule that lets you drop the perfectionism and keep going.

Dr Jody Carrington:

https://www.drjodycarrington.com

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

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Ask Rachel anything

Who doesn't want a simple answer to their problems? In all honesty I often hope to find one, but it's not really feasible when parenting teenagers. I love talking with experts who give us terrific advice - such as Dr Naomi Fisher and Dr Dominique Thompson - but when it comes to the messy job of parenting it can feel way more complicated in day to day life than we would hope. 

In this conversation Katherine Radice and Rachel Richards discuss the messy realities; from school being unbearable for our teen to when a group chat turns into a pile-on. 

We share practical ways to listen without panicking, work with schools, and help young people slow down, make mistakes, and grow.

School refusal and taking a pause — Understand why listening to your teenager matters, how to weigh school milestones against their wellbeing, and how to explore alternatives without closing the door on returning.

Making parent–school meetings more productive — Learn how sharing key information ahead of time and approaching staff collaboratively can help you understand what support the school can realistically offer.

Recognizing when a difficult patch needs action — Spot signs that a problem may be affecting your child more deeply, such as withdrawal or changes in their health, and see why keeping a factual log can help identify patterns.

Handling group chats, online conflict, and cancel culture — Get ideas for helping teens pause before replying, avoid escalating online drama, and disagree with someone’s views without attacking their identity.

Building resilience through mistakes, shame, and changing views — Explore ways to model openness about difficult feelings, help teens see how they’ve grown, and encourage curiosity and understanding across differences.

Episode on bullying teens

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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Ask Rachel anything

Just over a week ago, my daughter was badly burned when her hot water bottle split along the seam. She needed specialist care at the Queen Victoria Hospital burns unit which became famous for Archibald McIndoe’s work treating badly burned WWII airmen. 

Instead of going back to university, she spent her 20th birthday recovering at home, unable to walk.

In this community catch-up episode I’ll tell you what happened, what we learned about treating burns, and what I want you to do tonight:

• If someone gets burned, cool the burn under cool running water for 20 minutes, cover it loosely with cling film, and get medical help.
• Check your hot water bottle for the daisy wheel symbol. It shows the month and year it was made. If it’s more than two years old, throw it out.
• Never fill it with boiling water. Let the kettle stand for a few minutes, fill it only two-thirds full, and squeeze out the air before you seal it.
• Consider a wheat or rice bag instead.

I’m also campaigning for every hot water bottle sold in the UK to carry clear warnings and a “throw out by” date.

CHILDREN'S BURNS TRUST: https://cbtrust.org.uk/

QUEEN VICTORIA HOSPITAL: https://www.qvh.nhs.uk/

ADULT BURNS SUPPORT: https://adultburnsupportuk.org/

BRITISH BURN ASSOCIATION: https://www.britishburnassociation.org/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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Ask Rachel anything

What’s behind a teenager’s struggle to get to school—and how can parents help without turning every morning into a battle? In this episode, journalist and host Rachel Richards talks with clinical psychologist Dr. Naomi Fisher, author of The Teenagers’ Guide to Taking Control of Your Education, about school avoidance, burnout, demand avoidance, and the questions parents often have about autism and ADHD.

Drawing on her own experience of struggling at school and decades of work with young people and families, Naomi challenges us to look beyond labels and ask what a teen is experiencing, what support they need, and how parents can work alongside them. They also explore the importance of connection, curiosity, and making room for young people to take an active role in their learning.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

1. What may be behind school avoidance—and how to look for specific school-day stressors rather than assuming a child is simply refusing.
2. How to work with your teen, not against them, while still acknowledging that education needs to happen.
3. What burnout can look like and why stepping back may help some teenagers recover.
4. How to think about demand avoidance and autism or ADHD diagnoses without letting labels replace curiosity about what a young person needs.
5. Why following a teen’s interests and repairing your connection matter—especially when school has become a source of conflict.

For more detailed notes and help on this go to my Fearless Parenting Substack 

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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Ask Rachel anything

Has your teenager come home upset because their friends have suddenly turned against them? Or have you heard that your child is part of a group chat where everyone is being urged to stop talking to someone? When a friendship conflict spreads through a whole group—and onto social media—it can be hard for parents to know what to say, when to step in, and how to help without making things worse.

In this episode of Teenagers Untangled, I’m joined by Dr Dominique Thompson, a physician and expert in supporting young people, to explore why teenagers can be so quick to exclude someone, and why it can feel so difficult to stand apart from the group. We talk about the role of peer pressure, black-and-white thinking and social media—and the difference between challenging hurtful behavior and shaming someone.

If your child is being ostracized, you’ll hear how to support them, work with the school and help them find other sources of connection. And if you’re worried your teen might be joining in, we discuss how to start a conversation that encourages empathy without simply lecturing or blaming them.

We’ll also share practical ways to make home a safe place for difficult conversations—and a simple question that might help a young person pause before they join a pile-on.

If this piece has raised anything difficult for you or your child, Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123 (UK).

If you want to read Rachel's expanded thoughts on this topic, click here

Dr Dominique Thompson

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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. 

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. 

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: 

My email [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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