Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World

By Cheryl PankhurstParenting Kids & Family

Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World episodes

August 14, 2024 #43 "Navigating Single Parenthood: Tips and Inspiration from Cindy Wittemann"
#SingleParentSupport #Empowerment #teenrelationship #cindywitteman #mindshift #littlegive #parentingtips # parentingteens #teenmindredefined #communitykindness

In this inspiring episode of Teen Minds Redefined, host Cheryl Pankhurst welcomes Cindy Wittemann, a remarkable advocate for single parents. Cindy shares her transformative journey from struggling single mother to a beacon of hope for many. Discover how she shifted her focus from chasing success to pursuing fulfillment, and how this mindset change has empowered her to help other single parents thrive.
36 min
August 07, 2024 #42 "Mastering Co-Parenting: From Conflict to Cooperation" with JP Marsh
In this episode of Teen Minds Redefined, we discuss the challenges and triumphs of single parenthood with special guest JP Marsh. With a staggering 48% divorce rate in North America, navigating co-parenting can be difficult, but JP shares his story of collaboration and co-parenting success. Learn how to navigate the complexities of single parenthood and find peace and harmony in co-parenting relationships. Tune in to hear JP's inspiring journey and gain valuable insights on building a positive co-parenting dynamic. Don't miss out on this empowering episode of Teen Minds Redefined.
45 min
July 31, 2024 #41 "Embracing Introverted Teens: Expert Tips from Celena McBride"
#introvert #parenting #teenagers #mentalhealth #empathy #compassion #selfacceptance #authenticity #introvertsheart #podcast #anxiety #selfcare #empath #introvertedteen #introvertedparenting #teenmindsredefinedpodcast
In this episode of Teen Minds Redefined, we dive into the world of introverted teens with special guest Selena McBride, founder of The Introvert's Heart. Selena shares her mission to help introverted teens navigate the chaos and find peace, offering expert advice for parents on raising introverted teens. Join us as we discuss the importance of allowing individuals to be their authentic selves with no judgment, and how to foster meaningful connections with introverted teens. Tune in to The Introvert's Heart podcast with Selena for more insightful conversations on introversion and personal growth. Don't miss out on this valuable discussion that could change the way you approach parenting and relationships. Subscribe, download, and share to spread the message of embracing authenticity and understanding introverted individuals.
40 min
July 24, 2024 #40 "Navigating FASD: A Parent's and Teacher's Guide to Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder" with Patty Kasper
#teenmindsredefinedpodcast #parentingteens #parentingadvice #FASDawareness #FetalAlcoholSyndrome #ParentingFASD #TeacherResources #HiddenDisability #ChildWelfare #Addiction #MentalHealth #TBRIpractitioner #CognitiveSkills #LanguageDevelopment #AbstractConcepts #Bullying #Consequences #Prevalence #FosterCare #PrenatalAlcoholExposure #BlameAndShame #Empowerment #ProfessionalDevelopmentTraining
In this episode of Teen Minds Redefined, host Cheryl Pankhurst delves into the topic of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder (FASD) with leading expert Patricia Casper. They discuss the hidden disability of FASD, its impact on children and families, and the challenges faced by individuals with FASD. Patricia shares her extensive experience in addictions, mental health, and child welfare, and provides valuable insights for parents and educators. From understanding the signs and symptoms of FASD to practical tips for supporting individuals with the condition, this episode offers a comprehensive look at FASD and its implications. Tune in to gain a deeper understanding of FASD and how to best support those affected by it.

1 hr 3 min
July 17, 2024 #39 "Betrayal Recovery: Parent's Guide to Redefining Family Dynamics" with Vanessa Cardenas
In this episode of Teen Minds Redefined, Vanessa Cardenas shares her personal story of betrayal and the impact it had on her family. She discusses the importance of working through betrayal and the steps to take in order to heal and rebuild trust. With insights on how to communicate with teenagers about betrayal and the importance of keeping them in the loop, Vanessa provides valuable advice for navigating difficult family dynamics. Join host Cheryl Pankhurst as she delves into this important topic and offers practical tips for moving forward after betrayal. Tune in for an insightful conversation that could change the way you approach relationships and betrayal.
46 min
July 10, 2024 #38 "Teen Parenting in the Midst of Divorce & Strategies for Successful Co-Parenting" with Rachel King

00:15 - 00:59
Cheryl-Host: Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined, where we try to redefine and reimagine the relationships we have with our teenagers by supporting parents. And I'm going to Throw a statistic here, 48%. Can you guess what that is? That's the divorce rate. That's the divorce rate across Canada and US at the moment, which means out of everybody listening, there's a whole bunch of you who are either going through this, going to go through this, know somebody who's going through this. And this is some really, really important and helpful information when you are going through divorce, separation,
00:59 - 01:19
Cheryl-Host: uncoupling, and you have kids. So today we have Rachel King in the house. She is a divorce lawyer, divorce whisperer, and she has got the legal know-how and the mom wisdom to help you guide through the storm. Welcome, Rachel. I'm so glad to have you here.
01:20 - 01:22
Rachel-Guest: Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here.
01:23 - 01:36
Cheryl-Host: So Rachel, tell us first of all, how you got to where you are. I know you you are a lawyer, but you also have a podcast, a really interesting podcast. But tell us how you got to where you are right now. Like what's the story?
01:37 - 02:13
Rachel-Guest: So interestingly, I'm not only a family law attorney, but I'm also the child of divorce. And I don't know if those 2 things ended up working together. I will definitely say that what I experienced, and I didn't have, it wasn't a horrible divorce situation, but even some of the things that I experienced through my parents' divorce and through the visitation issues really pairs well with what I know in family law and I try and kind of bring the 2 together and help my clients move forward in a way that's going to work. I think having that
02:13 - 02:52
Rachel-Guest: personal experience, Maybe it doesn't give me any more, you know, street cred, but at least I think I am sharing the information in a way that maybe can help parents that are going through it really understand. But I was a child of divorce. My dad lived in Nevada. My mom lived in California. I was primarily with my mom. My dad is an attorney. And so I had the very traditional visitation schedule where I'd go to My dad's for holidays and summers. I really loved the time that I had with him, but he had to work. Attorneys,
02:52 - 03:29
Rachel-Guest: we work a lot. So in the evenings and on the weekends, he would talk to me about his cases. He would pretend, it was probably pretend that I had any say in how he was going to strategize his case. And we used that as an opportunity to share time when I was with him. I knew I wanted to be an attorney probably since I was a teenager. It didn't take the most direct route to get there, but ultimately I became an attorney in California and I opened my law firm in 2014. My very first case was
03:29 - 04:04
Rachel-Guest: a divorce case. I didn't know that I was going to end up in family law necessarily, but I think kind of how I practice and my philosophy lends itself very well to family law. And so I keep getting cases and I think my clients are really happy. So that's where I am today. Now I do very high litigation cases or cases where I consider them to be married to the divorce and they can't get out of them. I handle a lot of those cases because again, how I practice seems to put an end to some of
04:04 - 04:07
Rachel-Guest: these never ending emotional situations.
04:08 - 04:52
Cheryl-Host: I have 1 in my brain right now that I'm thinking about how they said that and it's just been horrible. So anyway, and they have kids and so this is what it sixes me. I am I have been divorced twice so, you know my first divorce of my kids were younger teenagers and You know just such a such an impact like to the point where I remember this was like 2005. And I still remember where I was in the words I said and the reactions of my kids in that conversation. That's the impact. Yeah. So, so
04:52 - 05:34
Cheryl-Host: this is this is huge. And I mean, there's, you know, there's practicing law, and then there's practicing law with this whole other layer, I can't even imagine. So let's start with, I want to start with you've had a conversation, okay, we've decided we're separating, we're uncoupling, whatever term you want to use. Can you tell me for parents what I would say the first 5 steps they're going to take after that? Because I feel like when I picture myself in that moment, even though the plan in my head was done, After the actual words were out, I
05:34 - 05:39
Cheryl-Host: was then frozen. I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do.
05:41 - 06:14
Rachel-Guest: And then you add the fact that you've taken the step, but you're going to go on a roller coaster of whether it was a good idea, whether you should keep going, whether you're making a huge mistake, whether it was really as bad as you thought and all of the things, right? And so I actually, when I look at my clients' cases, I know the law, at least for the area that I'm in. In California, the judges have a huge amount of discretion when it comes to how families are going to play out. Not as much on
06:14 - 06:52
Rachel-Guest: the division of assets, but quite a bit of discretion with what custody and visitation looks like. So as an attorney, I want to get the facts and I want to see what my client's goals are and see how we can structure our case strategy. The most important thing I do though, I think as an attorney is tell my clients the realities of the situation. The realities of the situation are you are going from 1 amount of money to support 1 household to the same amount of money going to support 2 households. And how that divides up
06:53 - 07:32
Rachel-Guest: really depends on so many things. It could be with spousal support or child support, nothing. But you have to understand that it's not the same because it can't be, right? And at the same time, life isn't going to be the same. So when I have clients that walk in and I'm very interested in their goals, but I'm also interested in sharing whether their goals can be a true reality or whether they're not. For example, 1 of the biggest things I get pushed back on is that stay at home parents should be the primary custodian in the
07:32 - 08:06
Rachel-Guest: divorce. And that's not the case. And in many courts, that's not the case. There are some that say yes, but I tell my clients, why is that the case? It worked while you were married, but it doesn't work anymore because you're not married. So just because it worked during the marriage doesn't mean it's going to work after. So that's what I do as an attorney. But when I tell my clients is you got to get into therapy, individual therapy to handle that roller coaster. Do you have to get into therapy to know whether you like the
08:06 - 08:53
Rachel-Guest: legal advice that you're getting and how to handle making decisions in your divorce? And therapy also will help clients learn the tools so that all of the feelings that they have toward their ex are not projected onto their children. That somebody is, could be the worst, I dare say, abusive spouse and still be a really stand up parent. And it's hard when you're making that transition to understand that your feelings for your spouse are not the same as you're feeling the children's feelings for their other parent. And the faster you can reconcile that the easier your
08:53 - 08:55
Rachel-Guest: divorce process is going to be.
08:55 - 09:37
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Well, 1 thing I learned very, very quickly, and I think I actually got this before we divorced, separated, is that they are 50% dad in my case. So if I ever called that an asshole, They're 50% asshole. This is what was going through my head all the time and you know, as emotional and angry at all the emotions you go through when it's when it's time and you know, it's right. It just stuck in my head all the time. And I think we did a really good job of not doing that. And it isn't, and
09:37 - 10:04
Cheryl-Host: I'll tell you, you know, they were like 14 and 12, I think, and it didn't take until they were close to 20 to say, okay, we get it. Or we appreciate that you were like that. Or, you know, like, they do get it. And as long as you are, you know, you have that period of time where you're thinking, they don't understand and they'll, they'll never understand because they didn't choose this. It wasn't their choice.
10:05 - 10:44
Rachel-Guest: And they didn't have a marital relationship. They have a parent-child relationship. So you can't expect your children to understand. I take it a step farther and I say, and maybe mine's not nearly as nice. You say it in a much more palatable way. I tell people regularly, almost daily, other parents, they get a right to screw up their own kids almost as much as they want within the very narrow confines of the law as to what is like negligent or child abuse. But you know, it isn't very much to stay out of that negligence child abuse
10:45 - 11:10
Rachel-Guest: situation. So just like you get to parent how you want, they get to also and the fact that they put their kids in front of or your kids in front of television or gaming and feed them garbage food and take them to the bar and all of these things, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are a bad parent. Maybe you're the better 1, but they get to screw them up too.
11:11 - 11:48
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. And along with your decision to leave is your decision to allow them to do this and not be able to, you know, if you're in the same house, yes, you can say, no, we're not doing that today. But yes, once that decision is made, and I wonder, as just as you're talking, If people get to hear this because they're kind of on the fence and maybe, you know, that this isn't worth working on, you know, when you start having these conversations, does that then put a different light on, is there something else we could do
11:48 - 11:49
Cheryl-Host: before we make this decision?
11:51 - 12:21
Rachel-Guest: I, yeah, and I get, it doesn't happen very often, but every now and then I get somebody that calls and says they want to file for divorce in hopes that their spouse will change. And I always say, so filing for divorce is the biggest breach of trust that you have in a marriage. It is not to try and get your spouse to change. I've known 1 person in my entire life that got as an attorney I should say that got divorced and remarried and I didn't learn about them through family law. I learned about them after
12:21 - 12:56
Rachel-Guest: 1 of them passed away. So that's not the norm. Even if it's in the movies, you get divorced and you file for divorce when you no matter what are done. If you went to your spouse and said I want a divorce because And you listed all of the reasons and they said and meant I will never do any of that again If you would say okay and not want to get divorced you're not ready for divorce You would say well, I appreciate that. I'm just it's like a day late and a dollar short, then you're ready
12:56 - 13:15
Rachel-Guest: for divorce because it's hard and I'm married and I've been married for 15 over 15 years and marriage is really hard. I mean, anybody that says that they have an easy marriage, I think is lying to themselves or isn't in a real marriage.
13:15 - 13:16
Cheryl-Host: Yes.
13:16 - 13:46
Rachel-Guest: But you know what? In fact, I had 1 of my best friends tell me yesterday, divorce is hard too. So you can pick whichever 1 you want to do, but neither 1 is going to be easy. You can fight it out and figure out your marriage. Of course it takes 2 people to do that. Or you can file for divorce and you can fight it out and figure out how to be divorced. Also, either way, it's a lot of work. And I think if people really understood that you shouldn't stay together for the kids that I
13:46 - 14:03
Rachel-Guest: don't believe in that. But I think you should stay, you should evaluate the fact that once you've been married, especially if you have children, it's not easy on either side of the fence. Either 1 is going to be hard. So what is going to be the best for you in the long run.
14:03 - 14:38
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, yeah. And I think too, you know, you don't, you don't hear about things, the stories, like I know when I was considering it and ready to go, it was, I didn't think about things like, oh, they, they act like this at dad's house, but they don't act like this at my house. Or the feeling of, oh, there's someone else in the life over there. There's all these little things that I literally, I think my parents were married for 60 years. All my friends were together still in their marriage. So I really did not have that,
14:38 - 15:02
Cheryl-Host: you know, kind of the nuances that come with divorce and kids. I didn't have that. So I was like, Oh, this is why I'm doing these things. Yeah. You know, people need to know and I'm not saying don't and I'm not saying do. I'm saying is there's a lot of like underlying things that are going to slam you later that you might want to know about now. Just so you're even aware and prepared.
15:03 - 15:37
Rachel-Guest: Yeah, financial is 1. Again, we go from 1 financial situation to another. I'm a huge advocate of financial independence. Somebody walks into my office and says they want to file for divorce. 1 of the first things I tell them is great, what are you doing to earn an income and improve that income? Because it doesn't matter if you've been a stay at home mom for 20 years, or you have a career, your life is about to change. So we need to get you on a financial trajectory that's on the up instead of the down.
15:37 - 15:38
Cheryl-Host: Yeah.
15:38 - 16:19
Rachel-Guest: And then parenting, you have to now co-parent with somebody who arguably you don't like anymore, but that has to happen. And what that looks like is challenging. I don't think you can ever foresee it, right? Divorce is like a grief process. You have to grieve somebody that you don't really like anymore, And that's really awkward for us. And that's why I think if you can get into therapy and you can understand what is happening to you and that it's okay and it's totally normal, But get some tools in place so that when dating happens and there's
16:19 - 16:33
Rachel-Guest: a new significant other, it's not mom, nobody's taking over mom's role, but that you can support your children when they want to go to dad's house. It doesn't need to be a big to do it should be great. I'm so glad that you love your dad.
16:34 - 16:35
Cheryl-Host: Yes.
16:35 - 17:05
Rachel-Guest: 1 of the things I get a lot is people saying, oh, and it doesn't matter if it's mom or dad, but oh, when other parent has our kids, they're at work and they leave them with their mom. So grandma ends up watching the kids. I don't like that. They should be with me. And my response is always, I mean, is, is grandma safe and good and kind? Why don't you want somebody else to love your children? The more people that can love your children, the better. So sure, it could be more time with you, but what's
17:05 - 17:21
Rachel-Guest: really wrong with dad on his time allowing other people to love on your kids? Again, hard concept when you don't like somebody. So Learning how to separate your feelings about your ex from everything else is really key.
17:21 - 18:01
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, and really becoming self-aware as in, is this just triggering for me? Yeah. Or is this actually negative for my kids? No, it's just bugging me, Period. And even the grief process, I love it, you know, the idea of therapy and what I started to really realize is that when you are contemplating separation and then getting to the divorce process, If you if it's only your idea, and only 1 sided, you've gone through 5 of the 6 grieving processes. Whereas you're soon to be x has gone through none.
18:02 - 18:05
Rachel-Guest: Right And may not even know that there was an issue.
18:05 - 18:23
Cheryl-Host: Yes. So you have to, you know, I think be very aware of that and give them time to catch up because, you know, you can't use their reaction as ammunition against them. You had all this time. Do You know what I mean?
18:23 - 18:58
Rachel-Guest: But yeah, I totally get it. And 1 of the reasons that I think people have a hard time is because if you look at the reasons for divorce, right, There's, there's big issues like finance is a big cause of divorce. Parenting is a big cause of divorce. Sex is a big cause of divorce, but those are just issues. Most of it, if you look at the research says that it's communication, right? Communication is the biggest cause of divorce. And so now you very likely have a breakdown in communication. And so you may not react and communicate
18:58 - 19:29
Rachel-Guest: well, that probably rears its ugly head even more when you broach the divorce topic. I remember 1 time we were in marriage counseling and they said, just sit down, listen to your spouse's point of view and don't respond and come back later. And my goodness, that is the hardest thing to do when you're in love and you're in a happy marriage, let alone doing it when you're like, I'm out of here, I want this to be done, I don't wanna be with you anymore and having to really step away and be like, I need to let
19:29 - 19:31
Rachel-Guest: them do their thing and come back to this at a different time.
19:32 - 19:46
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's get to the kids again. So what are some common misconceptions about that whole legal process of divorce? Like, do people come to you and you're like, yep, no, that's not how it works.
19:46 - 20:24
Rachel-Guest: Yeah. So again, the primary parent stay at home parent thing is a big issue. It's getting less and less maybe common with the cost of living getting higher and higher and more and more families needing to have dual incomes, but it still comes around. The other 1 with kids is that somebody always thinks that they're the better parent. Usually both people think they're the better parent. And I have to tell clients like you're not the better parent necessarily, right? You may fit what I think is a better parent, but that doesn't mean that the other parent
20:24 - 21:02
Rachel-Guest: is bad enough to not have time. And then I think this idea that 1, that the children shouldn't have a relationship with both kids, with both parents is really hard. It's a hard concept because it's a bit counterintuitive. You think, well, if it's an abusive ex, then that's not safe. Or if they are, they abandoned our kids right after the divorce, they shouldn't, they don't get the luxury of having a relationship or even I do all of the mental labor, I handle everything for our kids, they just get to be Disneyland dad, right. And so we
21:02 - 21:41
Rachel-Guest: bring those feelings in. And what the law says, pairs very well with what the psychologists are saying. And so they're trying to get on the same page is that no matter what these kids have a mother and a father or at least 2 parental roles, whatever that looks like in your family. And if dad is a deadbeat in and out of prison drug addict, They still have dad that is a deadbeat drug addict in and out of prison, and they need to understand how that affects their life and how having that kind of father figure is
21:41 - 22:23
Rachel-Guest: going to impact the rest of their life. If mom is bipolar schizophrenic, they need to know that they have a bipolar schizophrenic mother and that their mother role is that and how are they going to handle that and affect it. And just simply removing bipolar schizophrenic mom or drug addict prison dad doesn't solve the child's problem. The child still has a parent that sucks, right? Potentially. And they need to be able to navigate that, have some kind of relationship, be allowed a supervised phone call or some kind of visit so that they can figure out how
22:23 - 22:54
Rachel-Guest: that relationship fits into the rest of their life. And I think many people have the first instinct is to go into protect. We all want to protect our kids. We all want to, right? We want to hug and be the protector and keep them safe. But removing them from that situation, specifically when it's mom or dad or a parental role, doesn't solve that problem for the child. Sometimes it makes it even worse when they turn 18 or 19 or trying to really hone in on their sense of self.
22:54 - 23:34
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, because I think, you know, kids are so quick to blame themselves for whatever. I wonder, so when you're having these conversations with your kids, and I know I don't want to cross the line with child psychologists, but I know you're in it. Is it the advice then to be just very matter of fact about who that other parent is, so if you have a parent you're divorcing because they are an addict or infidelity or whatever. And your kid's completely confused because they have no idea. Do you have that point blank conversation without the emotion if
23:34 - 23:41
Cheryl-Host: you can say this happened and this is what we're doing? Or is it none of their concern at all?
23:43 - 24:19
Rachel-Guest: I think the role of every parent in a divorce is to be the best parent that they can possibly be in the situation. And both as an attorney with my experience in court and then as a child of divorce, the only thing I think that is successful long term is to be almost a cheerleader for the other parent. Now if you have an addict or something that you obviously aren't going to be like yes go out and drive our children around at all hours of the night while you're high. No, we're not talking about that.
24:19 - 24:19
Cheryl-Host: Yeah.
24:19 - 24:53
Rachel-Guest: Now you don't need to, you don't need to be the 1 to teach your children all of that. It's okay to say, Hey, it's mom's birthday or Hey, did you want to send dad a Christmas card? It's okay to just do that because your children are going to grow up and they're going to figure it out and you don't need to, it is not your job to teach your children what a horrible other parent they have. It is the other parent's job to create that kind of relationship. So no, not only do courts not like it,
24:53 - 25:31
Rachel-Guest: they in fact include orders that say don't speak negatively about the other children, don't talk about the case at all. I don't think it's practical. To the extent that you need to have some of those discussions, for example, I've had cases where there's dueling restraining orders and the children were really used as pawns and thought when there was supervised visitation that it was 1 of the parents had bailed, right? And so in order to rebuild that relationship, that parent needed to be able to say, I didn't abandon you, I wasn't allowed to see you, right? That
25:31 - 26:05
Rachel-Guest: conversation I think needs to happen in front of a therapist. I think you really want to have the guidance of a professional, so your child can voice their concerns, and so that you can present the information really all about you. It's not about the other parent, It's about you being there for your kids and it is not your job to convince your children what a good or bad other parent they have. It is your job to keep them safe but keeping them safe doesn't require you to teach them what kind of person the other parent is.
26:05 - 26:19
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, that's good. And I feel like what's coming to me right now is whatever you tell your kids, they're not going to get on board. They're not going to say, Oh, okay. Okay. Well, yeah, I think you should divorce them. They're not going to do that.
26:19 - 26:21
Rachel-Guest: No, they're not going
26:21 - 26:22
Cheryl-Host: to get on board.
26:22 - 26:57
Rachel-Guest: They love this person. Kids, depending on their age, but I would say even teenagers, right. And I have an adult child. So I've been, I've been through the teen years and I'm got more in there now. And even at their worst, right, and teenagers are difficult, they still love their other parents. So it doesn't, again, when you say anything negative about this other parent, not only are you, like you said, insulting them because they're 50% that other person, you've crushed them because they love you so much and they love the bad parents so much because we
26:57 - 27:30
Rachel-Guest: just do. We love our parents and then you grow up and maybe you learn to put boundaries in and your love changes a little bit but as a child you haven't yet and it's it's devastating your relationship with your children when they hear anything negative about this person they can't help but love so I tell my clients you don't want to screw up your relationship with a kid. So even if you're doing it totally for selfish reasons, don't ever speak negatively about the other parent because it's going to screw up your relationship and it's not going
27:30 - 27:33
Rachel-Guest: to screw up their relationship. That's not what's going to do it.
27:33 - 28:10
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, 100%. I agree with that. And they and I feel like the more I hear these stories, it has such a reverse impact because then they create a stalled loyalty to the 1 you're insulting or you're standing. Oh yeah. 100. Yeah. Yeah. I can totally understand that. So tell me what role. So you've had the conversation, You've connected with a lawyer. Where does mediation come in first, last? Do you recommend it? You don't recommend it? Like, is mediation even a viable option?
28:12 - 28:29
Rachel-Guest: So mediation from an asset standpoint, I think, can be really helpful, but it requires both people to really want to mediate. If 1 party is like, the only way I'm settling is if I get everything, well, that's not going to work. And so you don't need to waste time or money
28:29 - 28:30
Cheryl-Host: on it.
28:30 - 29:02
Rachel-Guest: Mediation when it comes to kids, totally different story. In fact, in California and most courts, I think in the US, require some kind of mandatory court mediation before the court will even make orders on custody and visitation. So in California, we file a request for the court to make custody and visitation orders and they automatically send the parents to a mediation paid for by the court. No attorneys are allowed. So even if you have an attorney, your attorney is not going to be present with you and you work with a mediator to try and come up
29:02 - 29:23
Rachel-Guest: with something that's going to work. And I don't know, 50% maybe of the people get it together and settle. But what I tell my clients, because I prep them for this, since it's a court requirement, I say, if you can reach an agreement that you're comfortable with, you should reach that agreement.
29:23 - 29:24
Cheryl-Host: It's not
29:24 - 29:55
Rachel-Guest: going to offend me. It's not going to screw your case. When it comes to your children, if you can reach an agreement that you are comfortable with, that's the agreement you should reach. On the other hand, if you aren't happy with the agreement and, and it's not for emotional reasons, like, Oh, I just don't want to share my kids 50% of the time, you know, but you really can't reach an agreement. Don't reach it hands down. And I would be willing to say this is 100% of the time, an agreement that you can reach, even if
29:55 - 30:27
Rachel-Guest: it's not ideal with the other parent, is going to be better than an agreement that a judge makes. Because even if the judge rules in your favor, the judge has ruled completely against the other parent and it's going to cause hostility and it's going to cause some kind of conflict when it comes to co-parenting. Attorneys and judges, You know, we try our best. I try my best to advocate for my clients. I think judges for the most part try and do the best that they can, but we're given this much information and we never have to
30:27 - 31:02
Rachel-Guest: live with the order again. I had a client who had been married for 25 years and an incredibly toxic relationship. The children were a disaster. I mean, restraining orders between parents and children. I mean it was just a horrific situation. And I had to tell my client, you know, you made a mess of this over 25 years. So the court isn't going to get it right at the first hearing because you are, you took you 25 years to create this mess. And even in that situation, if you can reach an agreement, it's going to be better
31:02 - 31:23
Rachel-Guest: than what the court does, because somebody is going to be ticked off, because the court has 10 minutes worth of information for a 25 year creation. So for custody and visitation, if you can reach the agreement, I think it is hands down the best thing that you can do, even if it's not your ideal agreement. It's not everything you wanted, but it's something that you can work with.
31:23 - 31:46
Cheryl-Host: That's great advice. That's great advice. So when we're talking about it, tell me about children's lawyers, like when does when does a kid's lawyer come in? When does that a requirement? Is it something that parents need to hire? Does the court hire it? That we never actually got to court. So that kind of go, no. Thank God, Yeah, yeah.
31:48 - 32:22
Rachel-Guest: So this is a super specific jurisdictional question, every even just state to state, I mean, sorry, even just county to county within California changes. State to state it changes, I imagine country to country, it's hugely different. But the role, typically the role of the child's attorney is to be that child's voice. Sometimes the court will listen to the child. In California, we have a statutory age of 14. Many other places have a statutory age at which point the child has a say and can speak and say what they want. We're seeing a trend to reduce that
32:22 - 33:03
Rachel-Guest: age, probably because we are coming into a time where everything a child wants should happen. So the courts are even considering coming down on that based on the child's ability to make good decisions, right? But the child's attorney is the voice of the child. I don't see in a family law case, attorneys for children very often, I do see them, they're required in guardianships, they're required in some different cases like that. But in a family law case, the court will appoint 1 if maybe if every there's something really bad that has happened or 1 of the
33:03 - 33:36
Rachel-Guest: parents, you know, is adamant that the the five-year-old's voice needs to be heard, but the court's kind of leery of the five-year-old, or they want a neutral and independent voice for the child, they'll do that. In most cases, the parents split the cost or the parent is requesting that the court appoint somebody picks up the tab for that. I have not seen them where they are paid for by the state and a family law. Can you imagine if the state had to come in and pay for an attorney for every child in a divorce, we'd be
33:36 - 33:43
Rachel-Guest: more broke than we are now. Oh my gosh. Maxes are already too high. We don't need to give it reason for a higher
33:43 - 34:13
Cheryl-Host: 1. I hear you. So if we're, so most of my audience are parents of teenagers. Yeah. So can you differentiate between an approach, advice between whether your kids are up to 12 or your kids are 13 and more like what are the discrepancies there like what do they you know what I mean like it's obviously a different conversation but what do parents need to know about an age difference?
34:15 - 34:54
Rachel-Guest: Well when it comes to age differences of kids, 1 of the things I get brought up is can they share rooms and things like that? I don't know. I've heard that there are some areas that say that siblings can't share rooms. I've not seen that. We don't have that in California. We're not going to start getting involved in the sleeping situation unless there's something inappropriate about it. As far as kids having a say, I think even though our teenagers are very independent and want to be treated like an adult and to a certain extent we want
34:54 - 35:26
Rachel-Guest: to give them those freedoms, it's still important to know that they're the child in this divorce and that their parents are splitting and to not forget that even though they try and act like an adult and they might think they want to be involved, they really don't. They really don't want to be involved in their parents divorce. They want to still be the child. In fact, most teenagers kind of regret, not I don't want to say regress from like a standpoint, but they just want to be hugged by their mom and dad, like a little 5
35:26 - 36:03
Rachel-Guest: year old during a divorce, but they can't because they're full grown. And that would be embarrassing. So I think just remembering that you still need to be aware, maybe even more aware of what you say and how you say it in front of your teenager and what other people say around your teenager. Again, it's very easy just in the regular course of the day to maybe speak about things that are not super important in front of your kid. But your 16, 17, 18, even 19-year-old who's an adult does not want to be in the middle of
36:03 - 36:37
Rachel-Guest: a divorce. They don't know how when they left both parents. So being aware of that. The other thing is, this is maybe more for people that are getting along. I don't think it's your job as a parent, and I don't think that the court recognizes it either for you to say, well, our kid is in high school football, and so your visitations don't work on the weekends anymore because they have spring training. That's not your job. If they're doing an extracurricular activity that really is important as they become teenagers and grow up and that they're really
36:37 - 37:06
Rachel-Guest: passionate about, you should encourage that activity, right, to the extent that you can afford it. But again, it's a conversation between other parent and the child, not you. Hey, you wanna do, you know, spring training is coming up and it's gonna require every single weekend for football. Like I'll be sure that when I have you, I'll make sure you get there. Like, let me know what you need. I think you need to go to dad and just make sure that he's on board with that or whatever. That's a conversation between you and dad. Ah, dad said
37:06 - 37:25
Rachel-Guest: I can't do it or he has to work or he has plans and blah. Okay, you know what? That's really between you and your dad. It is not your job to defend dad or to fight your child's battle. Again, let that play out. I think that's a really hard 1. That's 1 I see quite a bit with teenagers and their extracurricular activities.
37:26 - 37:58
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, and when you think about it, if you were together, if you were together, you would be like, do it. Yes, let's go. Let's go. And if it screws up your schedule, it comes back to you chose to divorce. They didn't so that I feel like, yes, you have to move on. Yes, you have to go on with your life. But I still think that when you're having these conversations, that needs to be forefront like, okay, I didn't choose this for them. This was not their option. And ask them questions to you, I think I can't
37:58 - 38:12
Cheryl-Host: even imagine asking even my older teenagers to make a decision based on something that had to do with the divorce. I feel like it would be so much pressure for them to try.
38:12 - 38:44
Rachel-Guest: And people do it all the time. Do you want to go to dad's house? Why does the child have to get that? And I get people saying, well, cause kids voices need to be heard. This is not a kid's voices being heard. Of course you should listen to what your child has to say, hear it. And then you, as the adult, you, as the parent should be making a decision on whether you are going to entertain what they've said or whether you're going to say, sorry, that's not going to do it. But also, let's use this
38:44 - 39:05
Rachel-Guest: football scenario again. Let's say dad really says no. He's going to put up much more of a stink. If you as the ex say no, this is our child's football. It's really important. He needs it for college, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then if the child that he loves says that I really want to do this,
39:05 - 39:05
Cheryl-Host: like I know I really want to
39:05 - 39:31
Rachel-Guest: do this. Like I know I really want to do this. This means a lot. A good parent is going to be like, oh, okay, same with sleepovers. I really want to sleep over at my friend's house. They're having a birthday party. Oh, but I only get you 2 weekends a month and that's gonna be a Saturday, so I'm gonna miss you. True, but have your child have that conversation because it's gonna go over better. And then while we want parents to put their kids first and we hope that they say, yes, you should encourage these kinds
39:31 - 39:51
Rachel-Guest: of activities, except that it's okay, just like if you were together to say, no, you're not going to that birthday party because I already have plans. We do it when we're married all the time, say, you can't do that because we already have that. So let the other parent have their own boundaries as well. They're allowed to just like you are.
39:51 - 40:28
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Yeah. Good. Okay. Can you just share some insights on protecting your assets and the financial piece, like, what questions am I asking to make sure I'm getting a good lawyer? Like even just, and I don't, you know, I don't need a whole, I don't need to write an essay, but just like, I'm, I'm completely blind. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to ask. And now I paid $25, 000 to this guy who wrote 1 letter. So like, and that's, I know that's not typical lawyer. I'm not saying that at all. You're
40:28 - 40:30
Cheryl-Host: obviously lawyers are expensive.
40:30 - 41:01
Rachel-Guest: So we don't need to, we don't need to hide behind that. We can all agree that lawyers are expensive. In fact, 1 of my podcasts is probably going to be breaking down why lawyers are expensive. But I think if you're if you're the 1 that's contemplating divorce, The best thing you can do from a financial standpoint is get copies of all of your records. Even if you're not the 1 that does the bills or manages the finances, write down the banks that you start seeing statements come in. See if you can get copies of statements. See
41:01 - 41:39
Rachel-Guest: if you can take a picture of the cash that's in the safe, just start putting your records together because it's really hard, especially once you're going through a divorce or if you move out to go and start collecting that and you're relying then on your ex to supply this missing information, which is digital banking and there is no magic. Portal that attorneys can go to to find out all of the assets that you guys had. I get asked that in every single divorce, probably in every case, like just go and just you tell me where the
41:39 - 41:49
Rachel-Guest: bank is. Like, I have no idea. We don't, there's no magic portal that can say what everybody owns. Or if it does, it's owned by China or something. I don't know. We don't have it.
41:49 - 41:50
Cheryl-Host: We can't get to it.
41:50 - 41:59
Rachel-Guest: So you put your own records. And if you can do that before you file or before you take the next step, that's really helpful. If you are
41:59 - 41:59
Cheryl-Host: the 1
41:59 - 42:16
Rachel-Guest: that was told that a divorce is happening and you didn't have that time to prepare, I would say do the same thing to the extent you can get as many copies of documents, even if it's a photograph, you know, if you're in a really controlling relationship and you have to sneak into it, just snap pictures so that you have them.
42:16 - 42:17
Cheryl-Host: Yeah.
42:17 - 42:51
Rachel-Guest: After, when you're looking to hire an attorney, there's a lot of really great attorneys and there's a lot of really awful attorneys. I would still say there's more good attorneys than bad attorneys. But if you have the best attorney in the world and you don't trust them, it doesn't matter that you have the best attorney because you're not going to believe anything that they're telling you. So when you are meeting with an attorney, if you don't trust what they're telling you, then you need to move on to the next 1. If you have an attorney and
42:51 - 43:18
Rachel-Guest: you all of a sudden don't trust anything they're saying, it's time to find a new attorney. Even if you're like, Oh, but I'm in a hundred grand. And okay. But if they tell you that you need to take this settlement offer or something, you're going to be like, I don't like you. I don't believe you. So I'm not going to do it. And you're going to cause yourself more stress. So if the trust is gone, you've got to go. 1 thing that I really like to tell people or recommend is your attorney should be telling you
43:18 - 43:49
Rachel-Guest: the bad stuff. If your attorney is nodding their head and saying, Oh yeah, we can get that. Oh yeah, we can get that. You're, they're just racking up the bills and they're not being honest. You can't win everything, right? Nobody does. So more important that you're what your strengths are or your attorney being willing to tell you the bad part. Hey, I know you want sole custody. You're not going to get it. Dad's a good dude, right? He likes his kids. He's never done anything wrong. He works a lot, but you know, it is what it
43:49 - 44:01
Rachel-Guest: is. You need an attorney that's willing to tell you the bad parts because that will help you figure out how to make the decisions in your divorce case. And if you have an attorney that won't do that, It's time to move on.
44:01 - 44:34
Cheryl-Host: Oh, that's so good. It makes so much sense. So I know you said therapy. Are there any other recommendations for parents to kind of navigate this whole emotional thing and still be mom, dad, have this other, like it feels like a whole other life. Like there's all the divorce shit and then there's you and I, and we got to get through this. Is there other recommendations? You need
44:34 - 45:04
Rachel-Guest: to have 3 things when you're getting through a divorce. You need to have a therapist. You need to have an emotional support system that is not your therapist and not your attorney. They cost too much. We cost too much to bitch to you need to have it. So go find some new friends. It's not going to be your ex. That's not a healthy support system when you're going through divorce. So go find some new friends. If you don't have friends, go join a mom's group or a women's group and fake it, fake it till you make
45:04 - 45:34
Rachel-Guest: it, you will meet somebody. And then lastly, whether or not you have an attorney, I think you need to meet with an attorney, you need to know what your actual legal rights are, because everybody's going to come out of the woodworks and be doing this and telling you what you should and shouldn't agree to and what they got and why you're getting a bad deal. And if they don't, it doesn't matter. They're not, they're not lawyers and they are basing it through their own lens. So go and find out what is realistic and what your legal
45:34 - 45:39
Rachel-Guest: rights are. If you decide to move forward with an attorney, great. But if not, at least you'll have that basis.
45:40 - 45:40
Cheryl-Host: And
45:40 - 46:00
Rachel-Guest: then the 1 thing you should never do is you shouldn't start dating too soon. Oh my gosh. It is, I get it. We want to rebound. It's so fun. You get all of the honeymoon phase and you feel loved when maybe you haven't for, it is a mess in a divorce. So really, really try not to date.
46:01 - 46:07
Cheryl-Host: Guilty and You are 100% correct. 100% correct.
46:07 - 46:27
Rachel-Guest: You're going to break. And if you found a really great guy or a really great new partner, you are going to break that person's heart. Cause you're a mess. You're going through a divorce. You should, you're going to either screw your own self up, or you're going to screw up this poor innocent bystander that doesn't realize how broken you are. Don't date.
46:28 - 46:44
Cheryl-Host: So good. So good. Oh my, and yeah, I'm 100% guilty, guilty and gross. When I think about it, oh my God, they say you should never regret because you know, there's always a lesson. No, huge regret. Let me say,
46:45 - 47:01
Rachel-Guest: you know, I think saying it is like 1 of those wishful thinking because truly when you're going through divorce, you need some of the dopamine release of like having somebody make you feel loved and pretty and all of the things. But, you know, just know you're going to break their heart or you're going to screw up your divorce.
47:02 - 47:12
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Yeah. You, you don't have the right mindset to be making those decisions at all. Because any bit like the devil looks good if you're late, right? If you're angry enough.
47:14 - 47:15
Rachel-Guest: Yeah, exactly.
47:15 - 47:47
Cheryl-Host: Oh my gosh. Okay, I'm gonna ask you know, we have to wrap up. I want to ask how long is too long and I'm thinking a very personal connection. When you start the divorce, maybe you've gone through some mediation that didn't work. Now you're going back and forth with lawyers. How long is too long when you go, this is ridiculous. And I'm thinking about like a 6 year process for a friend of mine. Like how long is too long when you have like, then what, like the lawyers are going back and forth. No, I don't like
47:47 - 47:50
Cheryl-Host: gone to court. Oh my God. It's just been.
47:50 - 48:24
Rachel-Guest: Those are the people that I considered being married to the divorce. They don't like their spouse, but the thought of not having their spouse is really too much. So first of all, in most areas, there's a, you have, there's a minimum amount of time before you can be legally divorced. In California, it varies between 6 months and maybe there's like 2 weeks in some locations. So you obviously can't get divorced in that amount of time. But I personally put my clients on a trial trajectory immediately. So I'm going to assume we always have the same issues
48:24 - 48:59
Rachel-Guest: in a divorce division of assets, division of debts, child custody and visitation, spousal support, child support. It's the same absolutely everywhere. So we know we have those. Let's assume we're going to trial and we have trial dates, you know, in a year or whatever. And if we can settle those things along the way, great. But if not, we know that we're going to get a judge to make a decision. And I do that for 2 reasons. When you go and prepare for trial, you're making steps moving in getting the evidence to support your position. That shows
48:59 - 49:32
Rachel-Guest: you the weaknesses in your case and it shows your strengths, it will likely help you get a higher settlement. If you are arguing over what spousal support should be because your ex has, you know, 3 PhDs but is working at McDonald's, the faster you can start to prove why they should be paying spousal support and are, you know, being a dirt bag and not working, the faster you're likely to get them on board because now they know all of this evidence is going to go before the court. So starting that process immediately makes you more likely
49:32 - 50:05
Rachel-Guest: to settle immediately. Also, if we're talking about like very controlling or narcissistic exes, I'm not, I don't believe that we're all married to narcissists. I, every call I get is that I'm married to a narcissist. No narcissists have, have selfish tendencies, but as humans were selfish and you become more selfish when you get divorced and you don't care about this other person. So I think it brings out maybe a very controlling natural position that we all have, very self-serving. But to the extent that you have 1 of those people that you're going up against, they can
50:05 - 50:32
Rachel-Guest: be really challenging. Forcing their hand in trial is a really easy way to have them die down with the control and the nonsense because they're going to just try and control and manipulate like they maybe always have, but they know that it's a lot of hot air. And so if you've put them on a day that they have to go to trial, even if they make it hell all the way up until right before trial, they don't want to go to trial. They don't have it in them. They it's very easy to show in court. So
50:32 - 51:05
Rachel-Guest: they'll probably settle. So I think for a lot of reasons, if you go on the trial track right away, you will end your divorce case immediately. And when I have cases that I get where it has been going on too long, that's immediately what I do. I go in, I request trial dates, I set through all of the things. And we usually settle before because somebody finally got serious and everybody's scared. Right? So I don't know that you should ever just try and paddle along.
51:05 - 51:25
Cheryl-Host: And you know what? I'm so glad I asked that because my perception from other conversations is the lawyers just want you to get to court because then they get paid more. But in your process, what you're talking about now is you would get paid less because likely you would get things settled because there is an end. I'm so glad I asked this.
51:25 - 51:54
Rachel-Guest: So trial is expensive. I don't want to start saying like trials on expensive, but you think That 6 years of having lawyers have waste time, continue hearings, go back and forth is going to be less expensive. Up front, my clients are going to be paying a lot more, right? There are clients that get a $10, 000 bill in their first month because we have a lot of work to do. It is not hard for an attorney to bill $2, 000, $3, 000 in a month for just sending some letters, making some phone calls, writing some settlements
51:54 - 52:12
Rachel-Guest: that are not going to be accepted, talking to you about it. That's very easy to do. So I think you end up paying more in the long run, but it's at smaller bites than if you just do this and you bite it off right at the beginning. And then you usually end up with a better result at the end anyway.
52:12 - 52:27
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, it just makes so much sense. Am I ever glad I asked that question? Yeah. Interesting. Well, I know we can't stay forever and I feel like I have like 5 more hours than me. So maybe we have to do a sequel, but yeah, for sure. Talk about first of all,
52:27 - 53:01
Rachel-Guest: the podcast talk about the clock is so good. It's so informative. Thank you. I have Gables Down, Voices Up. It is a podcast that really talks about different areas of law. We do focus on family law, but we also talk about probate. Interestingly, divorce and probate go kind of hand in hand. So we talk about general ideas and it's not state specific. So much of what I talk about with my own experience is in California, because that's where I primarily primarily practice. But with my podcast, they try and give general overviews so that you can go
53:01 - 53:12
Rachel-Guest: in and relate it to your specific situation and maybe take the information and tips to an attorney in your jurisdiction. So I'd love everybody to find it on YouTube. I'll put
53:12 - 53:15
Cheryl-Host: the link in the show notes. Yes, thank you. And subscribe.
53:15 - 53:22
Rachel-Guest: It comes out weekly and they're not terribly long. They're little snippets. I try and keep them right about 15 minutes so you can
53:22 - 53:23
Cheryl-Host: listen to them.
53:24 - 53:30
Rachel-Guest: Do your coffee or something, right? It's not a huge commitment because really most people don't want to talk to a lawyer for over
53:30 - 53:44
Cheryl-Host: an hour. So and where can we work with you? Do you have a website? Do you have, where can, where can we find you if we desperately need? And, and can we work with you online if we're not in California? Like, how does that work?
53:45 - 54:19
Rachel-Guest: Yeah. So I, my physical office is in Southern California. I'm the lawyerking.com. So you can find me on my webpage there. That is THE, lawyerking.com. People forget that. And I am completely remote. So we were actually, we have, or we have a hybrid situation. We have a physical office where we can meet with clients, but even prior to COVID, we had a completely cloud-based firm. So I have clients all over the world that have legal issues in the states that I'm licensed in. So absolutely call, reach out. We can, we can handle almost any case throughout
54:19 - 54:22
Rachel-Guest: the state of California, Kentucky, Arizona and Texas.
54:22 - 54:54
Cheryl-Host: So good. Rachel, I'm so glad we did this. I'm so glad because like I said, 48%. So even if this is not you, This is someone you know, this is, and this is important stuff. So you have to share this kind of information, I'm telling you, please share this around, because there's somebody next to you, who's going to go through this or is going through this. And like me might have some very misguided conceptions about how things work. So Rachel, thank you so much. Thanks for the work you do. You're obviously very passionate. I could talk
54:54 - 54:57
Cheryl-Host: to you as a lawyer all day long. This is great.
54:57 - 54:59
Rachel-Guest: Thank you so much. Thank you. Invite me back. I'd be happy
54:59 - 55:05
Cheryl-Host: to come. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you for listening. Teen Minds Redefined and we'll see you next time.
56 min
July 03, 2024 #37 ADHD Parents: Flipping the Script : It's Not Them, It's You with Ian Tenenbaum

Understanding ADHD Symptoms - Ian Tenenbaum discusses the familiarity of ADHD symptoms, the struggle to focus, and the role of an expert in helping to identify and understand ADHD.
Ian Tenenbaum discusses the familiarity of ADHD symptoms, the struggle to focus, and the role of an expert in helping to identify and understand ADHD
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Ian's Personal Experience with ADHD - Ian shares his journey with ADHD, from childhood to adulthood, and the impact of ADHD on his life and relationships.
Ian shares his journey with ADHD, from childhood to adulthood, and the impact of ADHD on his life and relationships.
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Diagnosing ADHD - Ian emphasizes the importance of seeking professional diagnosis for ADHD and shares his own experience with diagnosis and treatment.
Ian emphasizes the importance of seeking professional diagnosis for ADHD and shares his own experience with diagnosis and treatment.
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Navigating ADHD as an Adult - Ian discusses the challenges of navigating ADHD as an adult and the process of self-awareness and seeking support.
Ian discusses the challenges of navigating ADHD as an adult and the process of self-awareness and seeking support.
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Impact of ADHD on Personal and Professional Life - Ian reflects on the impact of ADHD on his personal and professional life, highlighting the need for awareness and support for adults with ADHD.
Ian reflects on the impact of ADHD on his personal and professional life, highlighting the need for awareness and support for adults with ADHD
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Realization and Acceptance of ADHD - Ian's journey of realizing and accepting ADHD, seeking expert guidance, and identifying opportunities to help others with ADHD.
Ian's journey of realizing and accepting ADHD, seeking expert guidance, and identifying opportunities to help others with ADHD.
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Genetic and Environmental Factors of ADHD - Ian discusses the biological link between parents and children with ADHD, emphasizing the need for awareness and support for both parents and children with ADHD.
Ian discusses the biological link between parents and children with ADHD, emphasizing the need for awareness and support for both parents and children with ADHD
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Distinguishing ADHD from Typical Behaviors - Ian explains the language and patterns associated with ADHD, helping parents distinguish between typical and atypical behaviors in children with ADHD.
Ian explains the language and patterns associated with ADHD, helping parents distinguish between typical and atypical behaviors in children with ADHD.
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Impact of ADHD on Parent-Child Dynamics - Ian discusses the challenges and conflicts that arise when both parents and children have ADHD, emphasizing the need for understanding and support within the family.
Ian discusses the challenges and conflicts that arise when both parents and children have ADHD, emphasizing the need for understanding and support within the family.
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Understanding ADHD as a Biological Difference - Ian explains the biological basis of ADHD and the impact on brain function, emphasizing the need for awareness and responsibility in managing ADHD.
Ian explains the biological basis of ADHD and the impact on brain function, emphasizing the need for awareness and responsibility in managing ADHD.
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Strategies for Parents with ADHD - Ian provides strategies for parents with ADHD, including building awareness, seeking resources, and understanding the impact of ADHD on family dynamics.
Ian provides strategies for parents with ADHD, including building awareness, seeking resources, and understanding the impact of ADHD on family dynamics.
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Understanding ADHD as a Real Thing - Understanding and embracing ADHD as a real thing can lead to immediate relief and acceptance for both parents and children.
Understanding and embracing ADHD as a real thing can lead to immediate relief and acceptance for both parents and children.
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Recognizing Key Traits and Creating Space - Learning about the key traits of ADHD and creating space to understand and assess the situation for both parents and children.
Learning about the key traits of ADHD and creating space to understand and assess the situation for both parents and children.
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Success Stories and Strategies - Exploring success stories and strategies for managing ADHD, focusing on self-awareness and nervous system regulation.
Exploring success stories and strategies for managing ADHD, focusing on self-awareness and nervous system regulation.
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Modeling and Group Coaching - The importance of modeling behavior and an introduction to a group coaching program for adults with ADHD.
41 min
June 26, 2024#36 "The Unexpected Path to Happiness: A Journey Through Divorce and Parenting Teens" with Christy Holt
Key Takeaways

Guest Christy Holt shares her mission to spread happiness and joy, focusing on finding happiness during divorce and the challenges of parenting teenagers

Christy emphasizes the importance of self-discovery and taking back personal power to create a fulfilling life, believing that everyone is already whole and has the power to create the life of their dreams

She shares her experience of running away from her marriage, realizing the importance of setting healthy boundaries and using her voice

Emphasizes the importance of self-love and creating happiness from within, regulating the nervous system, and being present to make conscious choices and communicate effectively

Focus on guiding children to become independent, healthy, and happy adults, operating with love and compassion to maneuver challenges with grace and avoid conflict

Self-discovery is ongoing and ever-evolving, encouraging exploration, curiosity, and connecting with others for support and community. More resources available at coachchristyholt.com.
48 min
June 19, 2024 #35 "Stop Yelling at Your Kids in 21 days" with Celia Kibler
0:15 - 00:36
Cheryl-Host: Are you tired of yelling your way through parenthood? I'm going to introduce you to your new best friend, Celia Kibler, who is a parent coach, author, podcaster for Pumped Up Parenting, and the creator of your new life-changing course, 21 days to stop yelling at your kid. Welcome Celia.
00:36 - 00:46
Celia-Guest: Oh Cheryl, I'm so excited to be here. I could yell from the from the mountaintops, but I won't because we're not going to yell And we're going to talk about
00:46 - 00:56
Cheryl-Host: that. That's fantastic. I can you start off with your story? Like why are you here doing what you're doing? What's your mission? What's your what you
00:56 - 01:37
Celia-Guest: well, you know, it's funny because when I talk to parents and I tell them about what happens to a child when they're yelled at all the time. Children become 2 things. They become aggressive, angry, raging people, or they become peacemakers. So I was yelled at by my father and wonderful man, but abused as a child, carried the mental abuse into the home. Thank God he was able to not carry the physical abuse in, but he was a yeller, short temper. And so I became the ultimate peacemaker. Like I didn't just become a peacemaker. I didn't just
01:37 - 02:10
Celia-Guest: become somebody who like tried to avoid confrontation. I decided the whole world needs to just calm down. And over my work with children who I have always bonded with. I always say I'm like a five-year-old in like a 60-year-old body, but I just love kids. I've always loved kids. I've always been the grownup sitting at the kids table. They are my people. And maybe that's because I don't want to be grown up. I don't like to be mature. I like, you know, I have a saying that you're only young ones, but you can be immature forever.
02:11 - 02:50
Celia-Guest: Love that. I live by that. But, So I always felt this genuine passion to help kids be the best they could be. And my sister and I became a mom. I did become a mom in 1982. And I have 5 amazing kids. 2 I gave birth to and 3 I gained through my marriage to my current husband. The 5 of us have been living in this wonderful blended family for 29 years. I've been a real live mommy for 41 plus years. My son and my daughter, she's the queen of all those boys and she's gonna be
02:50 - 03:33
Celia-Guest: 42 this year. I'm a grandma to 9. I love my greatest achievement as much as I love And I feel wonderful and proud about the books I've written and the people I help along the way all over the country. My greatest achievement by far is my children. And so knowing how I was raised by a wonderful mom and a wonderful father. Gratefully, I had 2 amazing parents, but my dad, he was such a great man. He was so great. He was great for society. He was part of the team that put airplane seatbelts into cars that
03:33 - 04:15
Celia-Guest: made the decision. We need seat belts in cars and we're going to take these belts. We're going to put them into cars. We always had seat belts for even when we were little, when he was going through all this testing, he worked on Apollo missions. He created and designed and successfully launched the fastest warship worldwide, still in the Guinness Book of World Records. Just, I mean, achievement after achievement. But the thing to remember about this incredible human who cared so much about people and society was he cared very little for himself. And the point is that
04:15 - 05:00
Celia-Guest: When you are abusing a child verbally, physically, you are raising them through aggression, yelling, hitting, all of that. Your child doesn't grow up to hate you. They grow up to hate themselves. Yes. My husband, my husband, my father thought very little. He thought nothing of these achievements. Anybody could have done it. And I'm like, no, but you did it, dad. You've saved countless billions of lives with a decision that you and your friends said, we need seat belts and automobiles. That decision went on to save the world. You did that. And he's like, yeah, You know,
05:00 - 05:39
Celia-Guest: and you can say it's humble, but it's also, I know from the day, through all the days he lived to the day he died at 92 on April 5th of 2020, he always was unhappy with himself. There were always things I should have done this. He talked and taught, why didn't I do this? Shoulda, coulda, woulda. We would have been this, have I done this? Like constantly down on himself. And that what yelling and aggressive parenting does to a child. And we wonder about all these school shootings and all this violence and this anger and this
05:39 - 06:21
Celia-Guest: rage. What were these kids raised like? To be so angry that they have to take that rage out on the world. Well, anyway, long story short, that was a pretty long story. That's what got me going. I started my kids' fitness company with my sister in 1987, again, Wellness for Children, went on to becoming a parenting coach around 2016 and then decided I needed to calm the whole world. So I created the International Day of Calm, which celebrates my dad on April 5th of every year. And I just work hard to help parents understand there is
06:21 - 06:30
Celia-Guest: a better way than having to yell at your children and they will listen without it and they'll be happier without it. And so will you.
06:30 - 06:44
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. So, oh my goodness, I don't even know where to sleep. Let's start with, so are you, are you saying your dad was yelled at as well? Like was this a cycle?
06:44 - 07:28
Celia-Guest: My dad was actually physically and mentally abused. Very smart man. Very like beyond smart. Like when you think of smart, think smarter. And his father was always like, you're not good enough. Nothing you do is good. He always hit them, beat them, yelled at them, you know, and nothing my father, Chief, was ever going to make my grandfather, who I did not know very well, proud. And I'm probably good thing I didn't know very well because his mother, who was also abused, my grandma actually divorced him, which was kind of unheard of back in whenever that
07:28 - 07:50
Celia-Guest: was. What was that? The 20, the long ago. Like the 1900, early 1900, whatever that was. Nobody divorced anybody. And she actually had the strength to divorce this person, this man. Wow. So, yeah, so he was, you know, he got the gamut of everything.
07:51 - 08:31
Cheryl-Host: Why do we yell? Why, why, why do we, and okay, I'm going to preface this first because I know we're talking about children and you love children and the reason this really stuck with me is I've always worked with teenagers. I had a couple who are now grown-ass adults but worked for 25 years with teenagers in high school and the reason I want to say this is because it is never too late. You may have yelled right up until now, your kid might be in grade 11 and you're still yelling, it's not too late. This is
08:31 - 08:47
Cheryl-Host: where Aselia comes in. We can start, meet you where you're at and go from there. So it's never, never, never too late. And I feel about teenagers the way you do about kids, like I would. Like they hang around them more than I do. Right.
08:48 - 09:25
Celia-Guest: And it's so true. And you know, I tell people the only time it's too late is if you're dead. So if you're listening to this podcast and breathing at the moment, hand in hand, You're not dead, which means it's not. I even work with a adult, adult with parents that have adult children, like in there, 1 of my clients has a pair, has a child in their fifties. You know, it's never too late to do better and your kids are never going to be upset if you say to them, you know what, honey, I'm really going
09:25 - 09:31
Celia-Guest: to work on not yelling. Are they going to be like, Oh no, no, no, mom, please yell more.
09:31 - 09:32
Cheryl-Host: I love it.
09:32 - 09:36
Celia-Guest: I love yell at me all the time. No child wants to be yelled at.
09:36 - 09:50
Cheryl-Host: No, no and you know, I When it comes to yelling I just feel like there's so many different aspects but let's start with let's start with why like
09:51 - 10:37
Celia-Guest: great question It's a great question. Why do we yell? We yell because we're usually frustrated and overwhelmed for whatever reason. So it could be we've had a terrible day and it's even, you know, you haven't gotten a chance to settle down. You walk in the house, your kids are fighting and you go in there and you start screaming at them, which is it solving anything? I'll let you answer that. No, it's not. And it's making it worse. Screaming matches never resolve anything and always make things worse. Always. And people go, well, you know, if I don't
10:37 - 11:12
Celia-Guest: yell, they don't listen. I know you guys are thinking that. And then you're probably thinking, if I said, well, why is that? You'll say, Well, because I try to talk really nicely and I use my manners and I ask them once, then I ask again and again and again and then I scream and yell and they do it. The problem in that scenario, which we have all experienced, is not the yelling. The problem is you're asking your child Over and over and over again and in my course that you were talking about 21 days stop yelling
11:12 - 11:49
Celia-Guest: you do learn Immediately how to fix that The problem is they don't take you seriously till you yell because you're not serious until you yell. You think you are, but you're actually not. And if they're on a video and you've got teenagers sitting there playing video games and you come up and you go, Hey guys, almost in their time, turn off the video game. Come on down, please. Play, play, play. You come back up in 5 minutes. Honey, I asked you, please turn off the video game. Come to dinner. Play, play, play. You come up. Now
11:49 - 12:30
Celia-Guest: you're mad. You guys, I'm going to turn that video game off if you don't stop playing and come down and you leave. And then you come up screaming, yelling, raging, having a tantrum. And they come down. They just learn that they get 20 more minutes of video game play if they wait till you yell. When had you come up there and said, guys, I need you to come to dinner, please come down. And they you come up the second time and they don't. You know what's great about video game consoles? My son is a gamer. He
12:30 - 12:33
Celia-Guest: is in the gaming industry designing games.
12:33 - 12:33
Cheryl-Host: He
12:33 - 13:04
Celia-Guest: has played videos all life. Consoles, every single 1 of them is portable and lightweight. If you walk up there the second time, say, guys, dinner time, boom, push the button, stop the console, the end game over. Don't keep asking. Take action. Don't threaten. If you don't stop doing this, I'm going to do this. Do it. Yes. Okay. So I got a little passionate about that. I get a little passionate.
13:05 - 13:45
Cheryl-Host: Well, it's good because I've experienced that a hundred thousand times, a hundred thousand times. And, you know, I'm certainly not innocent. I did yell at my kids when they were growing up. And I think what really, I was able, I think, I have to ask my own kids this, I guess, is to take a step back and notice the difference. Dad was a very, is a very passionate Italian. We're not together anymore, but when the kids were growing up, so a lot of passion and a lot of very loud. Yeah. And what I noticed is when
13:45 - 14:30
Cheryl-Host: I watched the reactions of the kids, they would almost zone out. So they weren't even hearing the words. They were just, they were just like tuning me right out of the communication. And I grew up with my, I've never, never, rest in peace, heard my father raise his voice ever, like literally never. And my mom was the opposite. She and I am sure that's how she grew up. You know, this is never a slam to parents, but we do with what we can at the time. Right. But the reaction is I was never emotionally affected when
14:30 - 14:56
Cheryl-Host: she was yelling at me. I was scared. She would never, she would never abuse it, but I was scared of her. But I was never emotionally affected by it. Whereas my dad would say, I'm a little disappointed you did that. Oh my God, I'm done. I'm done. Bury me now. I can't, I can't handle it. So talk about that. Like talk about the different reactions and how we are receiving
14:57 - 15:40
Celia-Guest: these messages. And the important thing you said was, well, you said a lot of important things, but the fact that you were afraid of your mother, because that's what it was the opposite of my family. But that's what children feel when they are constantly yelled at. They become afraid of their parents. And I would hope that no parent listening wants their children to be afraid of them. And some parents do believe parent through fear, you know, fear, fear, fear. And you know, how does that create respect? How did children learn respect? All those little voices in
15:40 - 16:13
Celia-Guest: our heads, when you second guess yourself, when you're like, well, is this really my greatest decision ever? Or what, what should I do about this? Or someone says something simply like, what do you want to eat? And you're like, I really want sushi, but I'm not going to say I want sushi. I'm just going to say whatever you want. That is the lack of confidence. And that confidence was destroyed by a parent who did not support and respect you. And some of you are like, oh yeah, well that's why we have a generation of like, I
16:13 - 17:05
Celia-Guest: even had somebody say wussy kids And no, respect does not create a, and a wimpy person. Respect empowers a person. What, what creates children that are entitled and That expect the world to owe themselves something is 1 thing and that 1 thing is Always giving into them with whatever they want, whenever they want. If you constantly give into a child, I want this. I throw a tantrum. You give it to me. You're like, OK, there are no consequences in your home. There are no limits and boundaries that create an entitled child. That creates a child that
17:05 - 17:47
Celia-Guest: thinks the world owes him something. And while that very well intended parent thinks that, well, I just want my child to be happy. I want my baby to always be happy. I understand that I raise 5 kids, I'm 9 grandchildren. I understand you always want them happy, but is that reality? Welcome to life when things don't go your way. And if you are raising children to believe that life will always go their way. So to ensure their happiness, you are going to raise very unhappy adults. And did that answer your question? I don't remember what the
17:47 - 17:47
Celia-Guest: question is.
17:47 - 18:24
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, no, it totally did. And you're right. I mean, I talk about this pretty much on every episode somehow about allowing our kids to fail, allowing our kids to have disappointment, Because the little disappointments they have now will build skills. So when the big ones come, they are prepared when they lose their first job, when they fail their first university exam, when they have their first big heartbreak. Oh, they've had these little skills of that's okay. I know it hurts. Let's, what did you learn? How can we like all of those great conversations? And I think,
18:24 - 19:01
Cheryl-Host: you know, when it comes to yelling, it's almost like this, this big, you become this big powerful person. And we're having, and this is, you know, this is not from years and years ago. I know that you parented power over, power over you do what I've seen because I said it. Period. There's no disputing that. Great. You might see some kind of result in the moment, but what is it you're teaching? Like we're not just raising kids. We're raising humans Right into the world.
19:01 - 19:15
Celia-Guest: That's right. They're already kids. Our job is to raise an adult, self-sufficient, competent, confident, compassionate, happy, fun grownup. That's our job. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you need to put in the world.
19:15 - 19:25
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. And when life isn't going your way, you have the skills to figure that out, which is it's forever. It's not to get through cleaning your room.
19:26 - 20:12
Celia-Guest: Exactly. Literally forever. And if getting, if you're getting angry because they're disappointing you and you're screaming and yelling and raging and some of you are hitting, you are disrespecting them a thousand percent and you are throwing a tantrum, no different than a two-year-old that throws 1. And you're teaching them that when things don't go their way, they get to throw a tantrum. You're not teaching them how to regulate emotion. We are not born with the ability to regulate emotion. We learn it. We're not even born with compassion. As many emotions as we're born with, compassion isn't
20:12 - 20:34
Celia-Guest: 1 of them. That's why kids don't share right out of the, some do, but a lot of kids are like, my 2 year old doesn't share what do I do because it's an act of compassion that your old who thinks the world centers around them needs to realize this other child would like a turn with a toy. Yeah, that's a big thing. Yeah. And you have to teach it.
20:36 - 21:13
Cheryl-Host: Is there a way? So as an adult, I was yelled at sometimes. Is there a way that we can talk to any agent say, how do we release that trauma of being yelled at so we can start again? How do we, how do we just, and I, you know what, I feel it in my body, even as I was, You know, when I listened to your podcast and when I'm reading your bio, I literally felt it right in my sacrum that, you know, and I think it came from several different me being yelled at and then
21:13 - 21:45
Cheryl-Host: remembering, Oh, you know what? I lost it a couple of times. I know I did. I immediately regretted it. I like immediately walked away going, oh my God, I feel sick. What did I, I don't even know what I said. And yeah, so how do we, as adults, I guess, how do we say, okay, starting now, how do I release that? And what are 2 or 3 things I can put into place right now to go meet me from here? How do we change that behavior?
21:45 - 22:22
Celia-Guest: So the first thing we have to do if we, we is we have to recognize and we have to realize that there is a better way of doing things. I have never met a parent that felt good about yelling at a child. Never. Whether it was a teenager, a toddler, any age, an adult. I've never met a parent that felt good about that. Well, that was great. That was relieving. I feel amazing. I just screamed outrageously out of control at my job. Feeling great.
22:22 - 22:24
Cheryl-Host: No, no
22:24 - 22:26
Celia-Guest: child feels that way.
22:28 - 22:28
Cheryl-Host: You
22:28 - 23:02
Celia-Guest: know, every child when they get yelled at This is what's going through their head. I can't do anything right. The opposite of that is I do everything wrong. Why am I? No 1 even listens to me. You will hear you work with teens. You will hear this comment come out of every teens mouth. If you say the teenager, why are you so disconnected from your family? Because no 1 listens to me. No 1 cares what I have to say. I might as well be invisible. And they might as well be because parents are so busy bossing
23:02 - 23:44
Celia-Guest: them around. The key to ending this cycle, and it is very often a generational cycle, the key to ending it is number 1, saying, okay, this starts with me. I'm gonna end this. Yes, I've been yelling. And, you know, I yelled, nobody's perfect. We have good days. We have bad days. I'm not saying this to imply that you're perfect. You should be perfect that anybody's perfect. Now we're human. We all make mistakes. But now when you recognize the fact that you might yell, when you feel the sensations in your body, your, you know, you get goosebumps
23:45 - 24:26
Celia-Guest: bumps, your detention builds, your chest is heavy, your breathing heavier, you may perspire, your stomach may be feeling all and not those signs that you get personally and physically as the rage builds in your body is when you have to realize, I need to take a step back. I'm not going to collect it. I need to breathe. I need to, I need a timeout, not your child. You, you go take a timeout. You sit down for 3, 5 minutes and relax and think about it. I have an acronym that I will give you on this podcast.
24:27 - 25:10
Celia-Guest: That is also part of my course called PEPA. You know, PEPA pig. So there's an extra P in there. That's for the pig. Throw that away. This is not about Peppa Pig. So P-E-P-A. And you can use this acronym for anything. You might be doing a report for work, or your kids might be doing a test for school and they're feeling overwhelmed. First P is pause. E, evaluate. Second P, plan. A, act. So if you take a step back, if you think Peppa, congratulations, you already paused. You paused the process. Now look at what is going
25:10 - 25:52
Celia-Guest: on. Evaluate, see it from your child's perspective. If they're a toddler, they don't know what's going on. They don't know. And even a teen, sometimes a teen is a big toddler. Our brains don't fully develop into like full mode until we're 25. If your teenager is 15, they've got 10 more years. They are not an adult. You cannot expect them to respond like an adult. It is not just difficult, it's impossible. It is impossible. So take PEPA, teach it to your children. If something's, you know, they're having difficulty with homework, they need a break, take a
25:52 - 26:37
Celia-Guest: break. Pause. Now evaluate what is really going on. Just don't reactively respond. What is going on here? Maybe your child also had a bad day. Maybe they got bullied in school. Maybe they're not feeling so well. Maybe they got a disappointing grade on a project. And you yelling at them, is that going to improve what they're doing? Is that going to make them feel better? No, it's going to make them feel totally disrespected and like you don't care because you don't. You're not finding out what's going on. You're not talking. So then create a plan and
26:37 - 27:22
Celia-Guest: that plan should include communication, calm communication. You would be amazed what you can get from a child, a teenager, I've raised 5 of them, by simply sitting down and talking to them. And the best communicators are the best listeners. If you are listening to your child and you're planning your next rebuttal, if you're doing that with anyone, you're not listening. And everybody does. Everybody's like, okay, what am I going to say next? You know, you've got half the information. But if you genuinely listen without judgment, without criticism, without assumption, without ridicule, listen to what they're saying.
27:22 - 27:39
Celia-Guest: I always tell people, listen with your eyes and your heart and your ears, your ears already hear it, But look at that person and feel the emotion that they're speaking with. You can get so much information from that.
27:39 - 28:24
Cheryl-Host: And in picturing. Talking quietly and calmly, the person in front of you is forced to listen. Because they can't hear you because you're not yelling there. You're just talking and they're forced to listen and it also brings me to you know, If you have an argument with your colleague, you disagree with a friend, is this your reaction at work? Is this your reaction with the other people that you love? I'm pretty sure that's not. So is that another trigger to say, maybe I put somebody else's face on my kid for a second because that's not how
28:24 - 28:28
Cheryl-Host: I would act at work. I would never say anything like that at work.
28:29 - 29:06
Celia-Guest: Right. And sometimes, you know, the fear is not just your child, it's yours. And the thing that's running through your head at the moment might be, all right, here we go again. Here we go again. No situations can be resolved. And You know, I had a parent say to me once well if he doesn't get his homework done How will he ever get into college? And we look at these things like if this doesn't happen this won't happen Really if this child who was in fifth grade didn't do his homework, he's never getting into college? Half
29:06 - 29:45
Celia-Guest: of you at the college don't do their homework. It is an issue to be resolved productively at the moment. How can we encourage our child, how can we get them on board of recognizing the importance of their homework and doing it in a timely manner? That's what not like, Oh my gosh, if you don't do this, you're not going to get in college. And then we get mad. And then we start yelling at them, resolving nothing. Is he like, Oh yes. Oh, I'm going to do my homework. Now I'm feeling good. No, no. He's going to
29:45 - 29:49
Celia-Guest: be like, forget you. I'm not, I'm not doing my homework in spite of you.
29:50 - 30:27
Cheryl-Host: And with a lot of the coaches I've had on my podcast, what we've really come, what I've really come to learn is that if your instant reaction is to yell, If your instant reaction is to react, it's a trigger in you that you need to resolve. It's not nothing to do with what they're doing or saying. You need to start here because if like there's your mirror, Uh-oh, uh-oh, maybe that's not just Peppa. Maybe it's like, get back there and start, you know, investigating what it is I have inside me that's making me breathe.
30:27 - 31:09
Celia-Guest: Exactly. Exactly. It's, You know, when asking parents, like, what do you want your child to be? I want my child to be kind. I want my child to be respectful. I want my child to be, you know, compassionate. I want my child to be thoughtful. I want my child to be confident, good self-esteem. Like the list goes on to which I then asked the parent, is that you? Everything you want your child to be, you have to be. So it's time to open your eyes, look in the mirror, and figure out what is keeping you from
31:09 - 31:45
Celia-Guest: being that person. Because you are their ultimate role model. And if you are not being those things, then they're not being those things. Everything you do, good or not so good, you give your child permission to do. You just don't give them an example where you could act like this. You literally are saying, I hit you, you can hit somebody else. I hit you have permission to hit. I lied. You have permission to lie. I'm not telling the truth. I'm not living in integrity. You have permission to live however you want. I yell. You have permission
31:45 - 31:49
Celia-Guest: to yell. You are literally giving them permission, unwritten permission.
31:50 - 31:50
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, because
31:50 - 31:56
Celia-Guest: they're always watching. They're always watching. And they're always paying attention to what you're doing.
31:56 - 32:23
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, yeah. I love this. Can you talk about a success story in your parenting, coaching. And now, first of all, I want to ask where does pumped up parenting come from? Because we hear soft parenting and easy parenting and this parenting and brick wall parenting and barbical and we're also here. It's everywhere. Everything is named. Literally everywhere. But where does pumped up? So
32:23 - 33:15
Celia-Guest: pumped up parenting. And I get asked this all the time. Like what is the type of parenting you teach? Is it peaceful parenting? Is it gentle parenting? And if I had to name it, I would say respectful parenting. I would say that what I help parents with is them understanding that they are raising, like I say, another adult's my tagline. We're raising adults, not children. They are raising another human. This is not your possession. This is not a child under your control. This is a child that will and wants to cooperate with you that wants to
33:15 - 34:04
Celia-Guest: make you proud of them. You are their people. You are their ultimate people. You are the person that makes them feel safe and secure. The way I teach, I, you know, I get complimented all the time because what I teach parents is so practical and easy to implement. I take it from my 40 years of educational and professional experience. I am a certified gestalt therapist and an NLP associate. And, But mostly I take it from lessons learned in life and the knowledge I have in the brain of a human being and what it takes to create
34:04 - 34:57
Celia-Guest: that connection. What did I do to successfully parent a blended family for 29 years? How was that possible? How was that more unity than division? Did, was there hardship? Absolutely. You know, we, we, 1 of my step sons had difficulty with drugs and attempted suicide and, and jail and all these problems. But did I ever disrespect him? Never. Did I always lend him an ear to listen to what's going on, to help him if he wanted help. But to even listen if I couldn't help. Did I always support him? Yes, I always supported my kids. To
34:57 - 35:38
Celia-Guest: this day, they know most of them live 2 and a half hours away from me. If they called me at 2 in the morning, I'm in my car and they are. They, they know that it doesn't matter if I'm a stepmom. They know they can rely on me and trust me. They learn that over the years because I rely on them and I trust them. And I've learned through my education, the difficulties a child has growing up and how it is made worse. If a parent doesn't have a system in place, they do not parent proactively,
35:38 - 36:16
Celia-Guest: they parent reactively. And the only way you can change that is to have a system in place. If you get my book, raising happy toddlers, how to build great parenting skills, stop yelling at your kids. I'm not about not yelling because you have to identify what's going on with you. And then you have to realize that if you create an actual system, we have systems for everything. You have a career, you went to school and you learned how to do what you do. I learned how to do what I do. Everybody has systems, but yet parents
36:16 - 37:00
Celia-Guest: feel like go parenting. Anyone can do that. Why do I need to learn more? If you buy my 21 day, stop yelling course. Guess what? It is crazy cheap. And, And I have a coupon code for you guys. And it gives you a system. The reason you stop yelling in 21 days is because now you've implemented a system that creates cooperation that encourages your children to want to work together as a family and wants to listen and wants to do what needs to be done to make their family work without yelling.
37:00 - 37:01
Cheryl-Host: They wanted to. Yelling.
37:01 - 37:02
Celia-Guest: They want it too.
37:02 - 37:17
Cheryl-Host: And you should stop the cycle. Yeah. And I'm thinking stop the cycle because can you imagine as a grandparent watching your child yell at your grandbaby? Oh, that might be a little bit of a shift.
37:18 - 37:18
Celia-Guest: Exactly.
37:19 - 37:53
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, yeah. So stopping the cycle, I think that's, I think that's so specific. I love this because it's so specific. It isn't in general parenting. It is stop yelling at your kid in 21 days, done. And, you know, imagine the skills that you are now imparting on the kids in your home, as they go out into the world like you, you know, good leaders, good leaders are not power over and yelling and to do good leaders are pushing from behind and giving them skills are gonna live forever, that are gonna last forever. I think it's so
37:53 - 38:26
Cheryl-Host: important. And for those who are saying, and I've used this a few times, for those who are saying, wow, back in the day, back in the day. Well, listen, if I was having surgery, do I want the surgeon from back in the day? Nope. I want the surgeon who's learned up to now all the new things that are working and the, and the proof positive in, and it just makes sense. Like it just makes sense. And if you can sit with yourself for a minute and picture yourself yelling at a kid or being yelled at, I
38:26 - 38:35
Cheryl-Host: bet you recognize that feeling. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I bet you just totally recognize that feeling and there's your trigger. There's your trauma.
38:36 - 39:08
Celia-Guest: Right. And there are, and there are like specific, like you asked about clients. You know, I've so many clients that will come and start When I start working privately with clients, I ask them 25 questions. We start out with 25 questions, but they ask yes or no to some of the questions are positive. You know, do you play with your child every day? Do you hug and kiss your child every day? Some of them are, do you expect your child to do what you want them to do? The second you want them to do it and
39:08 - 39:47
Celia-Guest: understand even that. And they all learn through the system, through our work together, that that doesn't work and why it doesn't work so that you know that what you're doing is coming from a place of knowledge. You're not just doing it because well, I read somebody I should try this tip. This is a great tip. I'm going to try it. Oh, it didn't work. And then we give up because we weren't consistent with anything. 21 days is giving you the information. It's your job now to be consistent with what you learned and don't give up. Failure,
39:47 - 40:22
Celia-Guest: the opposite of success is not failure because failure is on the road to success. Nobody succeeds without failure. The opposite of success is giving up. If you give up, you will never succeed. And our parents that have been through the course that work with me privately, they, they don't work with me for years and years. Why? They don't have to. I don't work with people like, you know, I mean, they want to talk to me for a long time. They can, they come back, you know, sometimes they're like having an issue. Can we have a call
40:22 - 40:45
Celia-Guest: together? Something like that. We're not quite sure what to do. All fine, but they don't keep working forever. We get the problem solved so that it can resolve as soon as possible because it's all for the best of your children, your family, and really creating harmony for generations to come.
40:45 - 41:11
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. And 21 days is a blink. It's literally a blink. Oh my gosh. I love it. Well, thank you. I just love the work you're doing. I'm so glad you came on to talk about this because I think it's so vital. Can you please tell us where I know we can hear you? I'm humped up parenting podcast. Tell us where to find you, how to work with you. Give us all the good stuff I can put in the show notes.
41:12 - 41:54
Celia-Guest: Okay. So thank you again for having me. Cheryl, I had a wonderful time talking to you. I feel like we'll be friends for days to come. We connect. We blend. Yes. But so to get the 21 Days to Stop Yelling program, go to quit yelling.com, quit yelling.com, but put in the coupon code podcast. So very simple podcast. What is that going to give you? It's like over 60% off. I mean, even at full price, It's pretty affordable to 1 time fee pretty low. But with the discount, it's like under $50. So and that's all you pay.
41:54 - 42:29
Celia-Guest: It's not like you pay it regularly. That's it. And what else can you invest that kind of money in and see a total turnaround of your family, the stress every day in your life, the stress in your children's lives, the chaos that you live when you come home. What if that didn't have to be there? It doesn't have to be there. You can come home to smiles, not people hiding out in their rooms. You come home to hugs. Isn't that a much better way to come home? Is that a much better way to start your day?
42:30 - 42:31
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Yeah.
42:32 - 43:13
Celia-Guest: What will your life not be like in 21 days? What will 22 days from now be like if you don't do this? Think about that. Yeah. You can also follow me on Instagram, parenting, underscore expert underscore toddlers. But I, like I said, I work with parents of all age groups and teenagers, parents with teens, parents with older children. I work with teens, with kids. So I work with everybody. And if you'd like to set up a call with me, go to Celia's calendar.com Celia's calendar.com and just have a little half hour call. We'll talk about what's
43:13 - 43:16
Celia-Guest: going on in your life and how we can make it better.
43:16 - 43:23
Cheryl-Host: Love it. It's all going in the show notes for people who like me are not going to remember anything that you just said, except
43:23 - 43:24
Celia-Guest: I am never going
43:24 - 43:25
Cheryl-Host: to forget 21 days.
43:25 - 43:26
Celia-Guest: There you go.
43:26 - 43:27
Cheryl-Host: Never going to forget that. I think that's amazing.
43:27 - 43:30
Celia-Guest: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Quit yelling. Dot com.
43:31 - 43:52
Cheryl-Host: Thank you, Celia. I really appreciate the work you do and hopefully we can get on this again and do something. I think a lot of fun, a lot of fun and so important. So parents, listeners share this. You never know what's happening in somebody's house. And this could just be so vitally important.
43:52 - 43:55
Celia-Guest: And this world needs a lot less anger and rage.
43:55 - 43:56
Cheryl-Host: Oh my goodness.
43:56 - 44:04
Celia-Guest: And we're not going to stop it unless we stop it right in our homes. Right. Good. Good. Thank you, Cheryl, for having me.
44:04 - 44:09
Cheryl-Host: It's been an absolute pleasure. Ah, thank you. Thank you for listening. See you next time.
44:10 - 44:17
Speaker 1: Teen Minds, redefined with Cheryl Pankhurst. New episodes out every Wednesday. Thanks for stopping by.

45 min
June 12, 2024 #34 "Breaking Taboos: A Guide to Open Conversations about Sex and Relationships" with Melanie Bonk
Speaker 1: Teen Minds Redefined, you're listening to the podcast with Cheryl Pankhurst.
00:15 - 00:52
Speaker 2: Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined where we shift and change our perspective on how we're raising our kids and having those really great, strong, close, connected relationships so we can foster these human beings out into the world to be strong and authentic and wonderful. And today I have our guest, so parents keep your pants on. We're diving into some very spicy, maybe a little out of your comfort zone conversation, but necessary. This is not your typical birds and the bees. This is the disclaimer though. So if this is not your jam, we are talking
00:52 - 01:23
Speaker 2: all things sex and teens and what they need to know. So if you have littles listening to now, if it's something you want to come back to and you're great, If it's something you want to talk to and start off the conversation have your teens listen with you Is there's your safe space to start? So welcome Melanie Bonk the fearless advocate for teen sexual health empowerment with Melanie's wisdom and Expertise we are going to tackle all the tough topics sex and teens and what they need to know welcome, Melanie
01:23 - 01:27
Speaker 1: What I am so happy to be here. Thank you for having me
01:27 - 02:02
Speaker 2: This is this is great because you know In you know, I'm participating a lot of these Facebook groups with parenting and teens and this whole sex thing just keeps coming up literally all the time. And so I think, you know, the old days are the old days and this is new, we have new information, we have new technology, we have new access to all of it. And so we want our kids to be informed by us, not by their peers, not by social media. So I think this is a really important conversation. And Melanie, let's just
02:02 - 02:07
Speaker 2: start, Like, how did you get to here? No, I have 1 other question. Is your last name actually Bonk?
02:07 - 02:42
Speaker 1: It is actually Bonk, B-O-N-K. So I am a love, sex, and relationship coach. I am here to help you Bonk better. Ha ha ha. Ah, so nice. Yes, my last name is Bonk, and I was born on Valentine's Day. Like I was destined to do this type of work. So like I said, I am a love sex relationship coach. I work with couples. I help them really start to rewrite and recreate what their love sex life looks like. I do that by teaching them soulful communication skills, learning how to really hold space, hold space with your
02:42 - 03:13
Speaker 1: whole body, hold space in a zone where you're not going to judge you're not going to should you're not going to try to fix your partner you're just going to listen. And I also help them with emotional intelligence, you know, this a lot of our conversations today are going to require a lot of emotional intelligence to be able to hold space for even talking about sex with your kiddos. So really upleveling emotional intelligence together and then I guide couples in a rediscovering what sex means to them, rewriting their own roles getting sex out of a teeny
03:13 - 03:51
Speaker 1: tiny little box and expanding it to full body a full spiritual act that you can create every day in your life if you wanted to. So I began this work about 5 years ago. And it was beautiful work, but I have kids and I've been talking to them about sex for their whole entire lives. So I'm a mother of 4. I've got 3 out of 4 are teenage years, my youngest is 11. So he's almost there. And my oldest just turned 17 yesterday. So happy birthday to him. And yeah, so we've created this environment where sex,
03:51 - 04:23
Speaker 1: your body, pleasure has been a beautiful part of life. And there's no shame in any of that type of game. So I guess for me personally we started kind of when the kids were little and they would you know how babies are and they immediately gravitate towards their genitalia like when they're changing their diapers. I wasn't even conscious of the fact that I was doing it, but when they would do that and they would start playing with themselves, I would just look at them and with a smile on my face, I would say that feels so
04:23 - 04:55
Speaker 1: good doesn't it darling like I would never take their hand away and I just unconsciously was conscious about how I spoke to them about their body and touching their body. So we've got these kids now who are growing up and having these very real life conversations, very real adulting yet in a teenage body. So that's when I think these conversations become so powerful and they've got this like potent energy that just can't be ignored.
04:55 - 05:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna say, first of all, it's never too late to serve these conversations. Never, never, never. And I'm also going to say, if there's some trauma in a parent's world around this, please feel free to think that maybe you can get a different trusted adult to have these conversations. I just want to really respect that sometimes these conversations, even though they're touchy topics and hard to talk about, sometimes there's some very serious internal trauma that that would really trigger somebody. So this is not an expectation of every parent to have this conversation. But
05:38 - 05:54
Speaker 2: having said that, our teens need to have this information. So however you can get it to them via some trusted adults because they will look for it. And we want them to get the right information in a safe environment. Right?
05:55 - 06:27
Speaker 1: Yep, absolutely. So yeah, creating that safe, creating that safe environment. And when no matter when you're starting out, if your kiddo comes to you with a question, which is a beautiful like moment, you know, it does happen every now and then I've got 1 of the kids and they'll just say, you know, when we're just alone, the 2 of us, Hey, mom, and I'm like, Okay, you know, you kind of, you know that like, cute when they come in. And I got this piece of advice from another motherly figure in my life. And I think a
06:27 - 06:41
Speaker 1: beautiful way to answer questions for kiddos is answering a question truthfully and honestly, but at answering the bare bones of what they are actually asking. So if they're asking a question, you
06:41 - 06:41
Speaker 2: don't need
06:41 - 07:15
Speaker 1: to go in and add a bunch of other information, literally just ask answer in the most simple way you can come up with a truthful answer. And then usually that's enough to kind of like let them digest with that. Then they're going to break that apart in their psyche and then they'll come up with more questions. So it's also a way to kind of really give them really impactful, truthful statements that are simple, clear, and right to the point. And I think that that lands so much better with them and then you're empowering them with the
07:15 - 07:16
Speaker 1: truth.
07:16 - 07:56
Speaker 2: That's such a great idea. I would never even thought of that because as parents, especially if we get into this more difficult conversations, we tend to like add subtitles and headings and different things and a little more context and just in case and whatever. And you're right. Like I asked a question, answer the question, and then it doesn't get combobulated with all this other input that they don't need. So that's a really good point, really good point. Okay, so I'm diving into teens. Primary resources can be the internet, social media, and, and porn. So where do
07:56 - 08:00
Speaker 2: you want to start? Because I think these are really important to talk about.
08:00 - 08:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, I absolutely agree with you. Having a conversation, and it's multiple conversations, it's never just 1 conversation, especially about porn, it's key. And it's key no matter what your child is, who they identify as. There are plenty of studies that show that that female and non-binary folks are going in and searching it just as much as boys are. So if you think that just because you have a daughter this isn't a conversation you need to be having, I would go ahead and re reorientate yourself with the fact that kiddos are all all going online. And then
08:34 - 09:12
Speaker 1: I always come back, it's a 57 to $100 billion industry porn. And internet alone is just a $3 billion, billion dollar industry a year, and they want to get the kids in young. They want to get them in and get them addicted to it so they have a repeat customer. So when you start to create this conversation with your children or child, having some stats in your back, having so like, it's not just mom or dad having this conversation with the child, you know, like, this is my opinion. When you provide them with that kind of
09:12 - 09:45
Speaker 1: information, like this is an actual big industry that wants to get their claws in you. And here's why they're making billions of dollars a year. I find that that always helped out because that's not mom or dad's opinion. It's actual science. I always go in and I have As much as I don't like to have my phone or you know anything around and I have these conversations I do usually I look up an article or I find something with some more supportive data So you can say you know and actually in this study You know like
09:45 - 10:10
Speaker 1: I'd have 1 right here in 2023 a study found that 42% of kids and 17 were reported looking at porn and sex is the number 1 word searched in Google and all of the search engines. So having again, having that behind your back so you can you can literally just read off the study you can find the highlights of something and so your kid is actually getting an education not just getting your opinion
10:10 - 10:12
Speaker 2: yeah I think
10:12 - 10:51
Speaker 1: that's really big yeah and then and then going into and then here's the impact. Here's how it'll impact your life. You know, your brain is taking in all of these simulations that activate all 5 of your senses. So when you're young and your brain isn't fully developed in your viewing form, It actually starts to create different neural networks, different sexual responses. And it will lead to really setting yourself up for failure and, and getting a skewed view on love on relationship on sex on using people. So those are a side effects that you know, are think
10:51 - 11:15
Speaker 1: are really big side effects that kids can understand. So if you give them that that information that your brain isn't developed for this, and this is the same thing I say to my kids about drugs, your brain isn't done developing until 22, 23. So I want you to wait to experiment in a safe way until that age. And then they're kind of they get that that let's think in a little bit deeper than just don't do this because I don't want you to.
11:16 - 11:18
Speaker 2: Yeah. And it doesn't make it sound like taboo.
11:18 - 11:19
Speaker 1: Yeah.
11:19 - 11:22
Speaker 2: Right. Yeah, I think that's I think that's good. So
11:24 - 11:53
Speaker 1: and then I also take it sorry to interrupt but I also take it and they say, listen, I've done it. I've searched porn. I mean, I it's easy to do. So when you also take some of the shame out of it, that that really relates to them. And this is, and this is what I noticed in my body when I do it. I noticed that my sexual responses are different. I noticed that, that there does become an appetite to see it more because that's how it's meant to be. That's how our brain is meant to be
11:53 - 12:12
Speaker 1: receiving this stimuli. And then it's always craving more and more and more. So when you're so brutally honest, It gives your kid that empowerment and that actual truth to know that they're not alone. I know as an adult, I know how powerful that feels.
12:12 - 12:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was actually reading, I think in 1 of the groups today where a parent has found the kid's phone and he's like 14 and just looking at all kinds of different types of porn and was very like beside herself about him researching in incest porn. And I wonder if that's more of a curiosity at that age as opposed to, oh, I know what this is. So this is what I'm looking at. And, you know, to give a little bit of grace to that type of conversation as well, like if we're always coming at these conversations
12:54 - 13:19
Speaker 2: with love and grace and space and no judgment, right? Because I think as soon as we start doing that, right, Like, like, okay, let's talk about the conversations we're, we're having besides just porn. Like, you know, I, I remember when it was the talk, as in 1 time, I got to get it over with. This is this, this is this, this is this, and mommy, daddy love each other and we're done.
13:19 - 13:20
Speaker 1: That's my
13:20 - 13:33
Speaker 2: job is finished. So that was probably 30 years ago. But talk to us about having those conversations now. What ages are we starting on what and what, how, how do we level up in these conversations?
13:33 - 14:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, and just the way you question that was perfect. We're starting at all ages, every age, and you're really pinpointing the appropriateness based on the kiddos age. So like there's things that I'll say to my 11 year old and obviously I'm gonna skew that conversation with my 15 year old, there's going to be could be the same topic but totally different context when it comes to the topics. So I have a conversation as often as I can. I tend to do it every time with 4 kids. There's very rarely ever a moment when you have one-on-one
14:07 - 14:37
Speaker 1: time. So when I grab that one-on-one time, when it just happens to be we're driving to the dentist, you know, we're walking down the street and there's just 2 of us. I do those check-ins every single time we're together. And it doesn't need to be super involved. And actually the more you do it, the less awkward it gets and the kind of even quicker roundabout way it gets finished, you know, if you're really apprehensive about it. So it can be, I check in and I say, How are you doing? And then you're going to get the
14:37 - 15:05
Speaker 1: good. I'm fine. Good. Fine. And then I dig in more. I never accept that first answer. And I just have to keep digging coming up with curious questions to get them to get that spark because the teenagers they are never going to want to like give you give you some of that juicy stuff right away. So I check in and how are you feeling? How are you feeling in your body with school? Do you have you know, are you feeling really pressured? You know, I can point and kind of really want to get that like, almost
15:05 - 15:38
Speaker 1: like total check in with them. And then after I asked them about their emotional body, I asked them about physical body. How are you doing? Are you are you treating yourself well is 1 question I say, which to them, they know that I'm gonna go ahead and go down the masturbation route. Yeah, so are you treating yourself well? Are you, you know, even questions like, are you drinking enough water during the day? Are you getting enough food? Are you enjoying your masturbation? Are you enjoying your pleasure practices? I get what I usually call it. And then
15:38 - 16:09
Speaker 1: I say, almost every time I check in with these, you know, yes, I'm fine, or they're comfortable enough, enough now where they'll say, yeah, but I really need a new thing, a lube. Can you grab me a new a new lube jar? And I'm like, Yeah, that's fine. That's great. And then I, for the older kids that are definitely involved more with their self pleasure, I, I educate them on the potential and the beauty and self pleasure. So III open up the conversations and I say, do you know, you can make it, you know, kind of
16:09 - 16:46
Speaker 1: fast and maintenance, whatever you need to, but at least once a week, I would love it if you would dive into a sacred practice where you're really looking at yourself in the mirror, you're loving yourself. I add some of my tantra teachings in there and I say, you know, looking in the mirror when you love yourself, realize and understand that you're the only 1 that can show up for you unconditionally. You're the only 1 that will love you unconditionally because everyone else around your world should have boundaries and should have conditions, including your romantic partners. So
16:47 - 17:15
Speaker 1: really taking it at least once a week where you're going to nourish yourself, where you're going to spend some time giving your whole body pleasure. And I teaching them also that it's a whole body experience, not just the genitalia. So, I mean, I understand that some of these concepts could be foreign as an adult. And many, many of my clients come to me are adults and that's not that is foreign. And so if it feels foreign for you to be having these conversations, you can always help it to be like, you know, I heard a lady
17:15 - 17:34
Speaker 1: on a podcast and this is the kind of open my eyes and you can use any kind of thing as a reference and be like, I'm curious about that. What do you think about that? So really adding just the ultimate layer of trust and curiosity that they can handle these adult things as they move into adulthood.
17:35 - 17:43
Speaker 2: And I have to say, you know, because of what you do and who you are and, and your kids are used to this environment.
17:44 - 17:44
Speaker 1: So now
17:44 - 18:15
Speaker 2: I've got somebody listening going, are you fricking kidding me? What the hell? I'm not saying masturbation to my kid. Like let's, let's back it up saying, okay, this is the reaction you're getting from mom or dad, or, or you've got kids in the back seat saying, shut up. I am not talking about this with you. How do we navigate ourselves feeling comfortable and, and the comfort and the comfort zone in the back seat is this is, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm even thinking, oh my, okay, now I'm going to start sweating. So
18:17 - 18:54
Speaker 1: yeah, so as, as the adult, as the caregiver, I mean, you are going to be putting yourself in a space where you're gonna test your nervous system. So understanding how to regulate your nervous system, understanding even just controlling your breath. If you're driving, sometimes it's nice to drive with 1 hand and have 1 hand on the heart. Feeling your breath, regulating your core, noticing your feet on the ground, feeling anytime like if I get right up in that brain of mine and I'm not embodied, I start to ground into the ground into my feet, bring that
18:54 - 19:26
Speaker 1: awareness down. And then be honest, say, I know that this conversation is probably making you feel gross. And then it's a beautiful example of how you can teach them how to be embodied, how you can teach them how to be safe in their body. So you can say, I know this conversation is making you feel gross right now. My stomach is hot, tight. My solar plexus feels like it's in a knot and I kind of feel like my throat is tight. How do you feel kiddo? And the kiddos would be like like barf what are we
19:26 - 20:02
Speaker 1: doing? Gross! So then just co-regulating together And then you're also teaching your kiddo and creating this connection with your kiddo that they necessarily shouldn't be getting other places. This should be your opportunity to grow together. And it's 1 of the things that I love saying to my kids is, you know, I know this is the first time you're experiencing this, but this is the first time I am too. Like, this is the first time I'm talking to my teens about sex. So yeah, I love for both of us. And then your kids have this beautiful invitation
20:02 - 20:20
Speaker 1: to see that you're human, to see that you are a living being that reacts. And another thing you can say to is, I'm so icky and nervous about this conversation because I love you so deeply, Because my heart is so full of love for you and this is really important stuff that we need to do.
20:21 - 20:51
Speaker 2: So good. So good. So can we talk about like that navigating this balance between respecting a teen's privacy regarding their sexual health and what they're doing and what resources they're accessing. Like how do we, we have to, I think, establish some kind of a privacy line and how do we do that and still have these really good conversations?
20:53 - 21:27
Speaker 1: You know, I think it's open conversations often, often, often. When my eldest first got into a pretty serious relationship, it was learning for both of us. And again, I came out and said that. And they were, both him and his partner came to me, I think about 6 or 7 months into their dating, And they said, you know, we would like to have a conversation with you. And so right away, of course, I was like, my stomach, my stomach turned. I got all iffy. I immediately started back sweating. I was just like, oh, boy, here we
21:27 - 21:52
Speaker 1: go. Here we go. So I immediately grounded. I came into my feet and they're like, you know, you're so psych positive, but you kind of give us shame. Like you'll walk around the corner and we'll be making out and you say, you know, you'd be like, you call us out for making out and, and we see you and dad making out in the kitchen. So we're just doing what you guys do. And
21:52 - 21:53
Speaker 2: then of course
21:53 - 22:26
Speaker 1: we had to pull it back down again. And then I'm like, yeah, that's a really good point in my head. I'm like, shit, That's a really good point. I mean, they're so right. I can't. So it was the same conversation where I'm like, I'm going to need a moment to think about how to respond to what you guys are saying, because I feel it's really valid. And then I also grew up in a household that was not like this. I grew up in a household where I could not have my romantic partner over. So listen, kids,
22:26 - 22:58
Speaker 1: this is new for me. And so I need to figure out how I want to be because I don't want to make you feel like that. I don't want to make you feel ashamed for showing affection in the safety of our home. And I mean, we are growing as adults with these children every day. So that That is definitely 1 and just being so honest and then really understanding that emotional intelligence of I actually might need a space in a moment before I can answer this question and I would love to come back to you because
22:58 - 23:06
Speaker 1: I'm dysregulated and I'll never be speaking from my heart in that situation. I'll be speaking from my brain or what I should and the judgments and the...
23:09 - 23:37
Speaker 2: Okay, so now I'm really interested in conversations around the relationship part of it. And, you know, when's too young, when's not too young? Well, she's 13, well, she's 16, well, she's 18. And do we lay down these kind of, well, guidelines in the progression of a relationship for kids? Talk to me about all of that.
23:37 - 24:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's definitely a progression. My 17-year-old and his partner have, obviously, a little bit more freedom than my 14-year-old, who is going to turn 15 next month. He had a girlfriend. So all of a sudden there were 2 girls in the house. And for me as a mother of all boys, that was a lot of female energy in my space. So even just understanding the changes of dynamic, if you're going to have, you know, partners over in your home, if it's going to be a welcome environment. That first time there was lots of other female energy,
24:12 - 24:44
Speaker 1: kind of like this alpha lion came out in me and I was like, who are these girls and why are they in my space? Ah! That was quite interesting, actually. So I had to, again, step into my own space. I had to collect, OK, what's the environment I want to create for my kids. They're only here now for another year or 2. Do I want them to be going away all the time from our house to be with their romantic partner, which is what I did as a teenager?
24:44 - 24:45
Speaker 2: Or do I
24:45 - 25:20
Speaker 1: want them to have a safe space and be in the home. So then, so then it does like you're right, there's a progression. So the 14 year old who had a girlfriend for just a little while, they could, they could go downstairs and watch movies with doors open and, and other people around where the 17 year old, he's got the consent to go downstairs with a girlfriend and shut the door and have privacy in their bedroom or in his bedroom. So there's definitely a progression and it's Each step of that ladder has beautiful teaching moments, has
25:20 - 25:28
Speaker 1: beautiful expansion for you and your kid and has the gut wrenching grossness of the fact that your kid is making out with another person.
25:31 - 25:47
Speaker 2: Okay, so let's talk birth control then like, yeah, when are you having these conversations and yeah, yeah, safe, safe, healthy relationships and birth control and those sorts of things that we need to bring to the table.
25:48 - 26:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know, birth control is a topic that has so much controversy in it. Almost in a way you feel helpless sometimes as a boy mom, like I did. But for actually, for me, I started bringing in, and I knew I was gonna do this at some point, jars of condoms and put them in the bathroom when his friends became sexually active. So I have such open conversations with my kids all the time that I can ask them like, Hey, is so and so has been with this girl for a while. Are they starting to
26:23 - 26:58
Speaker 1: get sexually active? And my kid will say, yeah, they're, they're getting pretty close. So then that's a cue for me to even kind of, and this could probably set up all kinds of debates but it's an open jar for anybody who walks into my house you can walk out with condoms because maybe you don't have that safety at home so they could be controversial but yet if a kid is taking some and they're already sexually active and they're not using anything. To me, that's a victory for their young spirit. And then for for the situation so
26:58 - 27:33
Speaker 1: far that I've been in where we've only had 1, you know, relationship where this has come up. I had the jar of condoms, we were talking about that. At this point, my kid was saying, we think we want to go on some kind of birth control, we're getting close to being sexually active all the way. And sexually active is big category, which could take a whole nother podcast to probably talk about. But we're, you know, we, we're wanting to go explore options. So what do you think, which was a beautiful invitation, again, for me to kind
27:33 - 28:09
Speaker 1: of give my opinion. And then they came back and we had a second conversation and they wanted to make an appointment for her to get birth control. But she wasn't open yet to talking about this with her mother. And so for me, that was a huge red flag. So I said, listen, all right, here's the conversation. If she's not ready to talk to her mom about being sexually active, then I don't think she's ready to be sexually active. So this is- good point. Yeah. That was a hard 1. Yeah. And again, that took some like reflection.
28:09 - 28:40
Speaker 1: I just couldn't answer that right away because I had to really think and process through like what do I what can I possibly want for these kids? What would I want if I was her mom? What would I want as a mother to him? So they are so weighted these conversations and so many options you could go with, but keeping the fact keeping it so no one's ever in shame. There was no like you're too young I I trust I trusted them and their ability to communicate and their respect that they have in their partnership I
28:40 - 29:15
Speaker 1: mean you can see that they're a mad head over heels in love and then I had to be like Do I really want my do I really want my kid to be sexually active like, you know, that's gross. But then I kind of went through this checklist. Well, is is it a respectful relationship? Is there consent? Absolutely consent both ways. Yes. Are they from what they understand in love very deeply? Yes. Is it you know, are they are they being so safe? And is it like I said, a bubble in a container of a healthy relationship?
29:15 - 29:53
Speaker 1: And it was yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So then who am I to tell them what they can and can't do with their bodies? When you look at them, their bodies are progressed through puberty and they're saying it's time to have babies. And that's another conversation I have with them is like, right around the part when the puberty age when they're really almost fully developed. I have had this conversation with each of my children, I say, so your body right now is telling you that you're ready to have babies. You're ready to be a parent. You
29:53 - 30:30
Speaker 1: can biologically create and maintain a pregnancy and a delivery. And 2000 years ago, that's probably what you would be doing. But we've evolved as people, our society has evolved past that. So do you think you're ready to be a parent and have a baby? And like the 14-year-old's face is like, Oh my God, no, not even close. So it's also being so honest about the hormones that are raging through their body of being so honest about all those changes. And then without shame, because it's just a beautiful part of being human.
30:30 - 31:09
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I love that you, you have your moral values, your moral grounds, but you did not impede on somebody else's parenting, which I think is so important because I think this conversation is going to have people going back and forth and back and forth and oh my god and I can't believe she said that but maybe I should though. So before I want to ask this, you know parents, kids are like looking at the media for and social media and internet for all different kinds of informations. Are we having any different conversation? And I'm not
31:10 - 31:27
Speaker 2: segregating, but are we have any additional supports in the LGBTQ plus sexuality identity? Like are there other things we need to be saying, holding space for when it comes to supporting our kids in the community?
31:28 - 32:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so. I think having having the conversations often, and again, without I know it's so hard to just say shame but to remove any kind of shame. And to have that open conversation with your kiddo if they're expressing interest or if they're having desires that are outside of the little bubble that you know of what we were raised with. I mean, really, we were raised with like 2 or 3 options. And saying that saying like, oh, you're interested in this. So am I, let's learn together. And then you can become this secure, you can
32:07 - 32:45
Speaker 1: become these explorers together of our human anatomy of our wants our desires. So I think I think if you just go about any kind of these conversations, and I, I have always said to, you know, there's certain points where I would say, oh, is there any interest in a girl or a boy or any human? I mean, I give all the options all the time. At every stage, no matter how old they are, I say the same thing. And I also, I've got a book, I'm blanking on it for a second, because I'm thinking about what
32:45 - 33:21
Speaker 1: the quote is. The quote is, we're all made of the same parts, just organized differently. And so that's Emily Nagowski and come as you are. And so I use that so many times. We are all made out of the same parts, just organized differently. And I've even showed them like a little gif of the female anatomy transforming into the male anatomy, transforming back into the female anatomy. I'm like, look, we're all, it's all the same ingredients. It's like we're all made of the same pizza, just pepperonis are in different places. Yeah, yeah. So does it really
33:21 - 33:23
Speaker 1: matter what the label is?
33:23 - 33:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I was, I actually had a podcast guest on a little while ago and I think It was Jennifer Boudre who said when your kid, no matter what age they are, when your kid comes to you and says, this is what I'm feeling, believe that's their truth at that time. And it may change and it may not change, but to kind of go into this, you'll grow out of it or it's a phase or you just watched it on TV or this is your friend or social media. No, we're just stopping the conversation as that's
33:59 - 34:00
Speaker 2: your truth. And
34:00 - 34:01
Speaker 1: I support
34:01 - 34:36
Speaker 2: your truth at that moment, because that I think opens so many doors and so many hearts. So we have all of this information. We have all these conversations. What I think is really important to say is, no, it might not be comfortable. It might make you feel disgusting. It might make you nervous. What makes you want to drink? I don't know. I would think maybe that would be me. But What's the alternative, Melanie? What happens when we don't have these conversations with the kids? What are we looking at?
34:36 - 35:11
Speaker 1: Then we're looking at they go to the internet, they go to friends, they, they go to porn, you know, they get curious about porn. And once they get into porn, then you're creating all those neural networks of unrealistic expectations of anxiety increases depression increases how you look at people in general. So even think about the heart space. I mean, this isn't an if you just reframe it to I have to have that conversation with my kid to, I get to connect and be curious with this human that is my child.
35:13 - 35:26
Speaker 2: Love it, love it. So I'm gonna ask 1 more question because it just popped into my head. When we're talking about porn, what are the signs when our kid is addicted to porn and what do we do? Where do we go?
35:28 - 36:02
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to say the same signs as when it is an adult, an adult thinks it's a porn, and that is it's getting in the way of regular behavior. It's it's interrupting regular relationships. So if you're down in your bedroom watching porn for hours, and you're not interacting with other humans. Those are all red flags that there's porn addiction. You know, I do, even though I have all these conversations, I do do it. I do do a check. I will pick up their phones and I will look at their search history. I don't do it,
36:02 - 36:22
Speaker 1: I probably do it once a month per kid. But I consider that my responsibility. I'm paying for the service, I'm paying for the internet. This is, if you have a child that won't let you look at their phone, that is they are crossing a boundary that you need to work on your boundary skills, in my opinion.
36:23 - 36:27
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I want to stay for that for a minute. Yes, okay.
36:28 - 36:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it is your job also to be that vigilante parent because if you don't know it's happening, then that's some of that responsibility does fall back on the parents. And then you need and then you need to educate yourself, then you need to create these conversations, create these moments.
36:46 - 37:20
Speaker 2: And if you're a parent, I'm just throwing this out there. If you're a parent that's never watched porn and you're suspect of this, then watch it because what you're, what you are going to see is your kid's vision of what sex is supposed to be. And it can be angry and it can be something that you know to each his own but if that's the only thing they're seeing and you're not talking about it that's what they're picturing and there's trauma there. So
37:21 - 37:55
Speaker 1: yeah and I just want to piggyback off of that for a second. Notice in your body how you are being an example of a sexually thriving parent, whether that's a solo play and being open and honest about it or whether that's partner play or whatever kind of play. So if you are showing no romantic connection with your partner in front of your kids and you're like, that's not appropriate, That should be behind closed doors. How are they supposed to learn that? Then they're going to go to other sources. So my big takeaway would be is to
37:55 - 38:14
Speaker 1: be the example of what you want in your kid's life. And if your relationship isn't there, there's people like me out there that can help you with that. And then create those conversations, those open conversations where you can just be open and honest and when you feel icky and sticky, just say you feel icky and sticky.
38:15 - 38:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you now have a recording of this. So when it's time, just keep listening, just keep listening, reach out, talk to Melanie, send messages, whatever it is you need to do that we can support you. We will. Melanie, how do we work with you? Where do we find you? How can we support? This is such good work. And I start this podcast 6 months ago. And as I do every single episode, it's all about, if we want a really strong relationship with our kid, we want them to be who they are and get out into
38:49 - 39:08
Speaker 2: the world as who they are and love themselves, then it mostly starts with us and that includes this conversation. So this is us getting over that so we can see this. Like I just I really love this work. I'm so glad we connected. I really am grateful for the work you're doing. This is amazing.
39:09 - 39:44
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yeah, please, if I would love to be any kind of guide for connecting with your kiddo about this. So if you feel uncomfortable, send me a conversation and we'll talk about it and I can even give you some keys to helping you stay grounded. So you can work with me by going to my website it is Melanie bonk.com and melanie bonk.com. I am at Instagram at bonk better, because I am here to help you bonk better. And if you want to actually go into my website and go to Melanie bonk.com backslash pod
39:44 - 40:15
Speaker 1: pod. I've got a beautiful little 3 podcast experience that is complimentary to your listeners. So if they can enter their email, and for 3 weeks in a row, you will receive some embodiment practices. And these practices may be really juicy to do before you have this conversation. So you can't get embodied, get in a space of love and compassion and then open the conversation up to your kiddo. So that's a beautiful gift that I hope you take advantage of and send your email and get it right there.
40:15 - 40:36
Speaker 2: That's a generous thank you. And I know Melanie, you talked about some books. So we'll put everything in the show notes for links. And once again, you know, I think I think we need to come back to this because I think we're going to get some feedback. And I think there's there might be like we do a Q&A podcast would be awesome. Yeah, Thank you for joining us. Teen Minds Redefined and we'll see you next time.
40:37 - 40:44
Speaker 1: Teen Minds Redefined with Cheryl Pankhurst. New episodes out every Wednesday. Thanks for stopping by.
41 min

About Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World

From the publisher's feed

"Discover ''Parenting Teens : Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World" with Special Education Specialist / Educator Cheryl, as we dive into real and raw conversations about sex, drugs, screens, social media, LGBTQ+ issues, mental health, and more. This podcast is your guide to reimagining better relationships with teens by doing the essential inner work. Join us for engaging, vibrant, and empathetic discussions that foster trust and understanding in today's complex parenting landscape. Embrace the change,we just can’t parent the way our parents did”

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Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World

Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World episodes

About Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World