Pause Purpose Play

In this episode, I discuss how different couples have different levels of 'flammability'. Understanding how flammable you and your partner are,  and what your triggers are, can help you to nurture your relationship towards the glowing embers stage - where you can roast some marshmallows instead of burning your relationship house down. 

You can expect these special episodes, celebrating the launch of my new book, The Lasting Connection, to appear in your feed every couple of days, with conversations between me and other couples and relationships experts coming out every Thursday, as usual.

Pre-order my book at Amazon here.

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

What makes a relationship last? Basically, if you can own your own stuff, and tolerate your partner's stuff, you've got a pretty good start. 

Pre-order my book at Amazon here.

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

In this episode, two couples experts get together talking about the hardship of having sex after having had kids, with the sleep deprivation, change in roles, breastfeeding, exhaustion and possible resentment getting in the way. Don’t worry, we lift you up by also providing hope around how you can reconnect again sexually, with emotional and physical intimacy.

Catherine Topham Sly is a BCAP accredited counsellor, writer, and speaker who specialises in relationships, and particularly the challenges of staying connected with your partner while raising a family together. A communication and intimacy specialist, Catherine offers research-based therapy, coaching, and online courses, supporting parents to reconnect and stay close after having kids.

We talk about 

4:58 Insight and connection

6:33 Physical and emotional intimacy are two sides of the same coin

8:26 Different triggers for sexual desire

10:42 The effects of rejection

11:07 How to break the cycle of rejection

12:26 Avoiding people pleasing

13:43 How much sex are people really having?

15:31 Performative vs connective sex

17:58 Reconnecting after a traumatic birth or the early days of parenthood

19:42 The benefits of reconnecting

21:20 The effect of the coronavirus pandemic on relationships

24:40 Talking about our values

26:39 Advice to expectant parents

28:52 The effects of breastfeeding on libido and intimacy

30:36 Hope for couples who have gone through a long period without intimacy

32:41 Returning to sex

34:26 Getting out of the habit of touching

35:36 Sex doesn't have to be penetrative

36:26 When it's time to go our separate ways

38:22 Seeking help when it's needed

41:03 Setting good habits in a relationship

You can follow Catherine on Instagram @insightandconnection and on Facebook @insightandconnection

Pre-order my new book on Amazon.

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Welcome to the first of 24 short solo episodes of the podcast, to celebrate the release of my new book, The Lasting Connection which will be released on 11th February 2021.

In this episode, I talk about what it means to build a lasting connection, and how I will guide you through the topics covered in the book over the next few weeks.

You can expect these special episodes to appear in your feed every couple of days, with conversations between me and other couples and relationships experts coming out every Thursday, as usual.

Pre-order my book at Amazon here.

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

In this episode, I talk to Jo Love, an award winning Mental Health Advocate and campaigner. She shares her experience of mental illness including depression, anxiety and burnout alongside evidence-based strategies that helped her recover and go into a career of helping others feel less alone in their suffering. 

4:12 Jo's painful story of mental illness

7:12 Suicidal thoughts and postnatal depression

9:09 Realisation and diagnosis

10:12 Going to the GP

12:41 Ongoing recovery - flourishing vs languishing

14:12 Warning signs before pregnancy - type A personality

20:52 Jo’s purpose - post-traumatic growth

24:52 Medication as a sticking plaster or a catalyst

26:00 Jo’s experience with CBT and talking therapy

27:51 The slow sunrise of recovery

29:10 Feeling like herself again

31:12 Figuring out which therapies work best for individuals

33:26 Thoughts that came from depression

35:17 Law and people pleasers

37:12 Re-examining childhood values

41:47 Average equating to failure

44:24 Perfectionism in motherhood - a ‘good enough’ mother

47:07 Holding standards loosely 

48:06 Teaching vulnerability to our children

Find Jo at https://www.jolove.co.uk/

And on Instagram @jo__love__ and @therapyismagic

If you have been affected by any of the subjected covered in this podcast, please refer to the links below - 

Mind provides advice and support on a range of mental health subjects, and details of local help and support in England and Wales.

0300 123 3393 (weekdays 9am - 6pm)

Visit the Mind website

The Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123

Visit the Samaritans website

You can find my free download at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/calm 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

2020 has been a tough year, with so much tension on our shoulders. 

How much pressure comes from the outside, of furlough and financial strain and loved ones struggling? And how much pressure comes from the inside, adding pressure onto your burden with your own expectations to be perfect? 

Pressure to home school perfectly, pressure to get everything done on the to do list despite being demotivated, pressure to get fit with Joe Wicks despite wanting to lie down on the sofa, eating chocolate. Pressure to make the most of the lockdown, learning new things, renovating the house or learning to bake banana bread and cultivate sourdough.

In this episode, I reflect on a few things I have seen in my clinic over the past year, some of the lessons on life and love I have heard my clients come to. The main thing being things being the space to reflect on what really matters when the busyness and engagements in the diary have been dropped. 

I have seen clients start to consider even childhood experiences and be reminded of earlier traumas and losses. We are all in a collective trauma, with a universally shared stress response.

We also set up the upcoming couples relationship specials we will be doing on the podcast after this episode, before entering the second season in February. 

To release from 2020 and gently move forward into 2021, let me guide you to find what matters to you in this workshop - Lessons on life and love from 2020: https://lessons-on-life-and-love-from-2020.eventbrite.co.uk  I am giving away lots of spaces to those in financial hardship from COVID, message me to apply. 

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

In this episode, Dr Rebekah Shallcross and I tackle some big questions – what is the antidote to the oppression of womxn, what is a true ‘choice’ vs what we do because of hitting upon the barriers set up by white heteronormative patriarchy, and how does the pressure of the patriarchy impact womxn’s mental health? Although a tough topic, we also bring some light and humour to this, considering how to break the 'good girl' narrative through allowing ourselves the permission to be non-productive and rest.

Dr Rebekah Shallcross, or Bekah, is a qualified Clinical Psychologist, Researcher and Feminist.  In 2020, she founded The Feminist Therapy Centre (FTC) which aims to offer an alternative to main stream mental health practice that is often based from the viewpoints of a white, male, heteronormative majority that dominates the highest positions of power within society, including the field of psychology.

Through her work, Bekah uses a Feminist Therapy theoretical perspective that aims to liberate and empower those engaging with the service at both a personal and social level, both within and outside the therapy setting.

3:45 Why feminism and psychology?

7:35 The antidote to oppression is recognising it

8:05 Internalised patriarchy

9:12 Why the white heteronormative patriarchy is a problem for everyone

10:45 Patriarchy is even bad for men

13:25 Can choice exist when oppression creates so many barriers?

13:55 True choice comes without expectations

14:41 How flexible is flexible working?

18:08 The pressures modern women face

19:23 Structural inequalities in parental leave

20:20 A solution to the problems of shared parental leave

21:15 Becoming the default parent - 'shefault'

25:55 How the coronavirus pandemic has affected women

28:37 Why women shouldn’t need to teach feminism to men

32:20 Avoiding the emotional labour of education

36:05 You don’t always have to be productive

41:29 Bekah’s takeaway for you

Bekah recommended Bear Hebert and Dr. Sarah Coxon during our conversation.

The Feminist Therapy Centre

Instagram - @dr_bekah_shallcross

Find my downloadable resource 'Calm the overwhelm' at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/calm

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media.

Are you a rule follower? Thinking you 'must' or 'should' do things?

In this episode I consider the ways in which rigid following of self-imposed rules can harm ourselves and others. Then I suggest a loosening of the rules so that they serve you, rather than you serving them.

I also look at whether you have a different set of rules for yourself, than you do for those you love, and what happens to your wellbeing when you have stricter rules for yourself than for others. 

Find my downloadable resource 'Calm the overwhelm' at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/calm

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Do you dream of working for yourself, but procrastinate starting or thinking you won't be good enough?

In this episode I talked to Polly Lavarello about the struggles and benefits of entrepreneurship as a ‘company of one’, and how perfectionism used to hold her back from finding freedom, balance and purpose. 

Polly Lavarello is the go-to Facebook Ad Strategist for coaches and online course creators. Also founder of the Launch Pad, an online membership to support female entrepreneurs to promote their online businesses authentically, sustainably and powerfully. 

Polly used her experience working in a marketing agency to successfully build her own business from scratch after having her first child, and for the following six years has continued to help other female entrepreneurs to create thriving businesses of their own.

6:28 The change in life balance that comes with motherhood

7:50 Being an example for her children

8:15 Managing the balance as an entrepreneur

9:28 The life-changing influence of community

10:14 Why is it hard to make time for yourself?

12:30 The benefits to being an online business

17:49 Polly's feminist drive

19:03 Struggling with perfectionism

22:42 Pause - planning the month around hormonal cycles

23:25 The mistake of multitasking

24:30 Actually switching off - using do not disturb, nature and cooking

26:13 Moving away from reactive working and setting goals

28:30 Managing mental overload

31:17 Support through coaching and group coaching

39:30 Finding play that suits you

41:28 Polly’s takeaway for you

Instagram: @PollyLavarelloDigital

Website: www.pollylavarello.com

The Launchpad

Feeling overwhelmed? Need some easy steps to find calm? You can find my free download at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/calm

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Do you recognise the signs of overwhelm in your life? 

Do you know what to do to slow down?

Do you know what's getting in the way of you taking better care of yourself?

In this episode I explore the physical and mental signs that you might be suffering from overwhelm, and with the help of a visual metaphor, the stress bath tub, discuss methods to cope with stress without reaching the point of overwhelm and burnout. Helping you to follow your ambition without drowning in it. 

Find my downloadable resource 'Calm the overwhelm' at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/calm

I'd love you to join in with my challenge to rush less, pause more, by sharing your photo on Instagram with the hashtag #pausepurposeplaypodcast and tagging me, @the_thomas_connection 

Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk

Instagram: @the_thomas_connection

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection

Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media