TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE, VIOLENCE AND MANIPULATION

Loksat, diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder in his late teens, discusses his why he now thinks that he is more likely to fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and what it was that held him back from expressing himself.

He describes his attraction to individuals who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and how these interactions fulfil his drive for idealisation and withdrawal.

He dives into the patterns within his relationship with his BPD girlfriend, and his hopes that understanding and working on these compulations will bring them both some resolution of childhood wounds.

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSIONS OF ABUSE

Loksat was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) at a young age but now, having started to reconnect with his feelings, believes he's more likely to be NPD.

He talks about his deliberate manipulations of his BPD girlfriend, what her intense reactions mean to him, and how he finds safety in her acting out.

As we dig down into the details of his life, we find powerful factors which have shaped his relationship behaviours, his understanding of the world, and his experience of love.

Although the conversation initially might seem like it endorses Loksat acting in destructive ways, it doesn't. Loksat has never known any other way of being, and, as the conversation continues, it starts to become clear that Loksat is aware that he is working through his childhood traumas by recreating them.

If we, the Cluster B's who behave in damaging ways within relationships, want to progress beyond those patterns, first we need to understand them. If we are in a relationship and on the receiving end of damaging behaviour, we need to understand it. Knowledge and insight will set us free.

Ilkin was diagnosed with NPD in his early twenties, as well as ADHD and mild OCD. His NPD drove him to achieve in his career, but also to self-destruct. In this second part of his interview, he talks about the negatives of NPD, both in himself and what he has seen in others. He also reveals a program which helped him learn to be honest and vulnerable - one which has the potential to be adapted to help many people with pathological narcissism.

Ilkan comes from a country that was once part of the USSR. He shares his journey of self-discovery and recovery and reflects on the perceptions he held about his own intelligence and how distorted beliefs contributed to his narcissistic traits. Through therapy and introspection, Ilkan learns to embrace his ordinariness, allowing himself to connect more authentically with others and experience genuine joy. The episode provides a poignant look at the impacts of societal and familial dynamics on personality development.

In a candid discussion, support-forum moderator and creator of npd-recovery.com, "Invis", opens up about her journey through addiction and mental health issues, finding growth through communication, respect and the Smart Recovery program. This secular alternative to 12-step programs helped initiate a process of rebuilding, despite setbacks like a dramatic shame spiral triggered by a fragile moment. Invis speaks about discovering the importance of redefining success and embracing vulnerability as a strength, ultimately transforming her personal expectations to live a more fulfilling life.

To celebrate the launch of the new npd-recovery.com website, Its creator, Invisible, joins us to share parts of her journey.

In between putting together the free resources available on the website, Invis is also a moderator on a major support forum for people with narcissism - a forum which has over 50K members, many of whom have experience of Cluster B disorders/traits.

In her early years, Invis struggled to connect with others and frequently acted out. She received a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Conduct Disorder. Her teenage and early adult years were turbulent, but then a collapse led to the determination to face herself and take charge of her direction.

In creating npd-recover.com, Invis drew on both her own personal insights as well as the perspectives she has developed through her important work on the forum.

In this podcast episode, Haifa discusses her diagnoses of borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, giving insight into the challenges and interactions between these conditions. She candidly shares her past struggles with impulsivity, abandonment issues, and the protective role of anger.

Haifa touches on her upbringing and her struggles with her demanding mother. Cultural and economic factors are also at play, combining with her family's unaddressed historical trauma to create a painful inheritance.

Haifa talks about her relationships, particularly with partners who also have BPD, exploring the intense connection and validation they bring. Now, with a non-disordered partner, she embraces a newfound stability.

Haifa's story highlights her journey through therapy and self-awareness, paving the path from a tumultuous past to a more balanced present.

Enmeshed families are said to be created by adults who do not have clear psychological boundaries. These boundaries are part of what helps a child to develop their own sense of self. What is it like to experience a parent who does not have a clear sense of self, or proper internal boundaries? And what is it like from either side of the adult relationships that these children grow up to have?

Lucy (NPD with ASPD traits) and Nota (BPD with traits of Vulnerable Narcissism) talk about their own experiences, and how it felt from the inside.

For more information about enmeshment and the dynamics of dependence and avoidance, these links might be useful:

https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/enmeshment-trauma-and-how-it-impacts-your-relationships

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-narcissists-mother

https://www.gottman.com/blog/are-you-losing-you-in-the-relationship-enmeshment-detachment-and-differentiation/

https://whatiscodependency.com/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/

https://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Couples/fusion.html

https://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/personality-disorder-treatment/borderline-personality-disorder/

Derek is an English teacher who has spent decades running a classroom with strength and confidence. Behind the scenes, he battled the trauma of very painful childhood experiences, but at work, his bravado gave his students a feeling of safety.

However, recently, something happened and everything unravelled. The darkness of the past has finally caught up with him.

Derek's thoughtfulness and expressive nature allows him to give some powerful insights into what lies inside his disorder.

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you are in a group of people and something really humiliating has happened?

Shame is such a deep, powerful emotion. It makes us hide parts of ourselves in order to fit in.

Some of the theories about the development of personality disorders are that the young child buries many parts of themselves which their caregivers cannot deal with. These parts become hidden from the child themselves as they develop.

It is said that our hidden parts drive us, and we are mostly unaware of this.

Some further reading about why people might have hidden parts of themselves:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Avoidant Traits