On January 8, join me as I celebrate both my fifty-third birthday and the twenty-third anniversary of the Worldwide Church of Satanic Liberation’s inception. 2009 promises to be an important and fascinating year for us, and it begins with the reformatted Paul Douglas Valentine Show. Potential guests include Jason King, St. Francis of Assisi, his buddy the sultan Melek-el-Kamel, Venus Satanas, Edgar Cayce, Elvis, and John of Patmos. (Guest list subject to change without notice!) Did I mention I got a horse for Christmas and you didn't? I hate you all.

And people say I’M f**ked in the head? Jesus...

The most important asset to a true (i.e. atheistic) Satanist is a great sense of humour. Unfortunately theistic Satanists in general seem incapable of understanding the daily need for a good laugh.

The WCSL logos and name are considered the most recognized and promoted of any Satanic organization in the world. And me? A year-long online WCSL survey (with 2300 avowed Satanists making up 60% of participants) suggests my name recognition nearly matches that of Anton LaVey and is far greater than Peter Gilmore's. It's wonderful being me!

(This is a redo of last night's show which was truncated and deleted by me.)

A bunch of shows on various networks purport proof of legitimate “hauntings”, etc. I say bullsh*t.

After last night’s debate, if you feel Sarah Palin won you need help.

The WCSL continues to insinuate itself into the global marketplace. Our ranking as the world’s premier Satanic organization remains firm and unchallenged.

Apparently my detractors are too dense to understand that all the free publicity adds to my popularity and bank account — AND that I’m orchestrating it all.

Hear that sardonic laughter? That’s the Satanic investor making money as the fraidy cats mew in terror.

Think about it — then tune in.