Poly Pages

In Chapter 14, Childrearing, Claire and Sebastian cover media representation of multi-parent households, how to talk to your kids about sex and non-monogamy, and how to navigate entering and exiting family structures as a solo-poly. But there is an elephant in the room but not in the book - culture. Claire talks about childrearing in polyamorous units across Eastern Africa and Sebastian explains how culture influences sex ed. To finish up this chapter, and Part Two of The Ethical Slut, we talk about Wonderwomen and the polycule that birthed her. 

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Music is provided by @mintgreenmusic.

Show Notes: 

A brief history of television and diverse family portrayal can be found here.

The articles Sebastian mentioned discussing whether raising children in polyamorous households is beneficial can be found: in this article in Psychology Today, this Vice article, and this Reddit thread. There are many other articles and editorials out there. 

The articles Claire speaks about on multi-parent households in Eastern Africa can be found here and here. The a specific discussion based on studies in Tanzania can be found here, and the rebuttal can be found here.

Children’s books that are referenced here are: ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’ by J Sanders and These are My Eyes, This is My Nose, This is My Vulva, These are My Toes by Lexx Brown James

Check out Sex Positive Families on Instagram for sex positive resources, booklists, podcasts and blogs.

Healthline offers a platform for queer sex-ed, available here.

An interesting article on the ways your family can protect multi-parent living a rights-based way is found on LGBT Bar here.

Other podcast episodes to check out:

The Multiamory podcast, episode 171, is available here, on raising children featuring E Sheff.

The KNP podcast, episode 4, is available here, on Prof Marston and Wonderwomen.

For more on the Dominance Submission model of behavior pioneered by Marston please see the history of DiSC.

Let's talk about sex. Chapter 13 is brought to you from bed, as Claire and Sebastian discuss how to keep your sex life safe. From barriers to family planning to drugs and alcohol we explore safety from all sides. No matter your relationships, or the type of intimacy you are engaging in it is essential that you be informed before making decisions. In this episode we provide many resources to learn about safer sex practices as well as information on STIs, testing and family planning. Sebastian also provides a history of condoms and contraception - did you know turtle shell was once used to make condoms? and crocodile dung was used as birth control in ancient Egypt?

*Disclaimer - We are not sexual health experts or health care providers. If you have any questions or concerns about your specific health needs please consult a professional.*

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou.

Show notes:

The difference between safe and safer sex is explained here.

myONE condoms are made to measure condoms, available for order here.

Discussion within the communities – including couple privilege which is not discussed here– is covered in this XCBDSM article here.

A fun up-to-date infographic on the differences between PrEP and PEP can be found here. A locator for a US provider can be found here.

Testing windows can be found here, courtesy of the fantastic STI Project. The STI Project is a wonderful online community fighting stigma surrounding STI’s in USA. We strongly encourage checking them out - https://thestiproject.com/. The CDC recommendations mentioned can be found here.

www.myhometests.com offers CAP and CLIA accredited lab testing processing for home testing kits with results available on any device, in the USA.

Go to a Planned Parenthood for more information on anything you have heard today.

Types of birth control can be found here and these are free available on the NHS in the UK. 

Information on the copper IUD can be found here.

TIME did a wonderful article on the male birth control pill, found here.

This amazing movement about abortion deserves a shout out, see Shout Your Abortion.

Ella Now is a great provider which offers no-cost overnight delivery of the morning after pill (called ella but referred to in this podcast as Plan B) to mainland USA. In addition, if you live in one of the following states, your local pharmacist can give you a prescription for ella: Alaska, California, Hawaii, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Vermont, Washington.

Can we buy you a drink? Claire and Sebastian talk about flirting and cruising in Chapter 12 and what those really mean. Is it possible to flirt without any other motive? And how do gender and identity impact our approaches to flirting and approaching others? Claire adds that online dating has drastically changed how people interact. Sebastian emphasizes the fun of flirting purely for the sake of it, and we dive deeper into moving from flirting to cruising and how to approach that in an honest and open way. 

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages, and on Pateron: Patreon.com/polypages. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.

Show Notes:

We talk more expansively about different relationship types and norms based on identity and sexuality in Episode 3 - Slut Styles.

For a longer discussion on when and/or how  to come out you can listen to Probably Poly Episode 23.

To get a greater insight on how neurodivergence can impact dating we recommend Probably Poly Episode 36.

Claire and Sebastian talk about how NOT to do polyamory. The ethics of multi-partner living are discussed through examples of poor behavior outlined in Chapter 11 of the Ethical Slut. Claire and Sebastian both have new examples to add to the mix - begging the questions, is polyamory different in the modern internet driven world of dating? Slut-shaming, ghosting and unicorn hunting are all under attack.

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages,. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.

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Show notes

For some articles on non-ethical unicorn hunting see this article in The Stranger, and this article in Medium.  For those interested in how to approach unicorn-hunting ethically please see this live show by Multiamory. 

The CDC offers guidance on the legality of knowingly infecting others, see links here and here. 

Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast can be found here 

Catfishing has been explored in this article. 

An overview of passive-aggressive use of social media – including breadcrumbing -  can be found on Elite Daily (here) 

The Church of All worlds hold the original essay on their site here as well as information on the Green Egg Magazine 

Vice profiled Oberon Zell-Ravenheart here.

As we dive into the murky waters of Chapter 10, Boundaries, Claire and Sebastian find themselves disappointed. A clear understanding of boundaries is fundamental to your health, happiness and your polyamory, and a hot topic in the community. So listen as our hosts attempt to paint a clear picture of what the authors are trying to say. 

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages,. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.

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Show notes

We strongly encourage you to listen to episode 178 of the Multiamory podcast, found here, in which they cover the basics of boundaries. Also see the short video by Relationship Anarchy here, on the difference between rules and boundaries. 

Whilst we speak quickly on BDSM, it is important to note that the word 'boundary' and 'limit' have a specific meaning within kink scene play and negotiation and we do not cover this here. For more on this we suggest Perverted Podcast, found here.

In Episode 9, Slut Skills, we look at Hardy and Dossie’s suggested tools for successful relationships. Claire uncovers the philosophical assumptions implied in this chapter, and we suggest some additions to our metaphorical toolbelt – saying sorry, defining words, forgiveness of others, assuming the best. Finishing up, Sebastian sets us all some affirmation-themed homework, and we talk about shame and curiosity.

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Show Notes

Communication as a skill can be developed in many ways. An introduction to active listening and conscious talking is given here.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (1992) by Gary Chapman is available on Amazon here. 

Zarnitsyn, A. (2015). The Cognitive Value of Fiction in Thought Experiments in Personal Identity. The Journal of Aesthetic Education, 49(2), 62-81. is available here. 

Abuse is serious, real and there is support available. For an introduction to gaslighting please see this article by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you are affected by these, or fear someone you know is affected, please contact RAINN in the USA, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the UK. 

For those interested in the theories of causation and emotions, we invite you to read the introduction to theories of emotions available here. 

For an introduction into the role of shame in society, we invite you to read Nir, Bina (2018). The individual and society: the social role of shame in the Journal of Philosophical Criticism 1 (2):36-70. Available here. 

Coria-Avila, Genaro A et al. “The role of orgasm in the development and shaping of partner preferences.” Socioaffective neuroscience & psychology vol. 6 is available here. 

Claire and Sebastian dive into Part Two of the Ethical Slut, and in Chapter 8 we tackle Abundance. There is more than you need! Unpacking the imagined fear of starvation, we find that sex, love, friendship and support are probably never going run out if we all just chill a little bit. When talking about finite resources such as time, money, space and stuff, we offer some helpful anecdotes about how to navigate and overcome those limitations. And what about sex? The biological limitations of our bodies require us to rework our definition of sex and intimacy. We finish up with our snapshot of the Oneida Community - an original hub of abundant love, support and nurturing. 

Show notes

The quote from Lynne Twist is taken from her book – The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life, which is reviewed on goodreads.com here.

Recommended reading for attachment theory: Understanding Attachment and Attachment Disorders: Theory, Evidence and Practice in Child and Adolescent Mental Health (by Vivien Prior and Danya Glaser, 2006) on Amazon here.

NRE is explained wonderfully in the Probably Poly Podcast episode 29. 

Tips for safely sharing sex toys can be found here, courtesy of Refinery29.com

On the folly of orgasm-centred loving, check out Humans In Love Podcast, episode 3.

A beginning to understanding sex after PTSD check out Wear Your Voice.

You can check out Oneida House here.

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages,. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.

In this freestanding bonus episode, Claire and Sebastian are joined by special guest co-host Michael Greer to discuss how masculinity is defined and challenged in non-monogamous spaces. In her 2006 article, Sheff explores the ways that polyamorous men, through their emotional expressions and management, are complicit with, subordinate to, and resistant of hegemonic codes of masculinity.

But what elements of the hegemonic masculinity complex are carried into poly spaces?  Is emotional labour more egalitarian in non-mono spaces? How does the alpha male work when sexual monogamy is abandoned? Are men more 'woke' if they are poly? And what does all of this mean for the women who love them?

Poly-Hegemonic Masculinities by Elisabeth Sheff was first published December 1, 2006. This can be found on Sage Pub here. For more from this author – which is a lot – please see her personal website here.

NB: Sheff does not use the terms ‘toxic masculinity’ or ‘prototypical male’ in this article. Your hosts do use these in this episode to refer to different facets of Hegemonic Masculinity. We apologize for the confusion. 

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages,. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.

Claire and Sebastian connect long distance to discuss the many different ways we relate to one another.  From monkish celibacy to orgies to multiple life partners, there are so many way to practice intentional relationships it's almost overwhelming. But Claire and Sebastian still find something missing and talk about political anarchy, metamours and the relationship escalator. This episode was our first recorded long-distance with Claire in Cambridge, UK and Sebastian still stateside. 

Show Notes:

The relationship between Kiney’s infamous ‘X’ category to modern day asexuality is explore by Justin J. Lehmiller (2017) by the The Psychology of Human Sexuality. John Wiley & Sons.

Asexual flag as per the Asexual Visibility and Education Network found here.

Also see the Trevor Project here.

We will not give airtime to discussing this particular sub-section of celibate persons given the recent terror attacks on women. We recommend episode 120 of the podcast Reply All, which cover the history of the ‘InvCEL’ or ‘InCEL’ community.

Relationship Anarchy was introduced by Andie Nordgren as a political manifesto. See here. It was also used in 2010 Open Con and in 2013 by Dr Meg-John Barker in her lecture ‘Rewriting the Rules: Non/monogamies’.

Solo-poly is outlined well in an article by Polyamory Today on Medium, written by Shannon Ashley and available here.

Poly Wanna Podcast discuss the Relationship Escalator in episode 14.

For more on the difference between Prescriptive and Descriptive Hierarchy see this fun post by Chelsey Dagger on Polyfor.us

Metamour is introduced by Polyamory School on Medium and can be found here.

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages,. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.

**Trigger warning: In this episode we discuss consent in depth as well as violations of consent and different types of trauma. If this is something you aren’t comfortable hearing or thinking about, please don’t listen to this episode. Know that you are not alone, it will get better, and we love you. ** 

How can we build an intentional culture of consent? In Episode 6, Claire and Sebastian examine some of the barriers to and benefits of building just such a culture. This chapter examines consent not only from the perspective of polyamorous relationships, but also for any relationships and more broadly how to build a community culture of consent. Next, we discuss common reactions to breaches consent and why these are both unproductive and often damaging. Finally, the chapter explores the specific implications of a culture of consent on polyamory and we talk about how to encourage a consenting and open culture. The chapter ends with a vignette on love “Clean love is love without expectation.” 

Show notes: 

Claire’s suggested guides and readings to help with trauma: 

Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists, by Suzette Boon, Onno van der Hart, Kathy Steele 

Trust After Trauma - A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them, by Aphrodite T. Matsakis 

Evicting The Perpetrator: A Male Survivor’s Guide for Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse, by Ken Singer 

Overcoming Trauma and PTSD - A Workbook Integrating Skills from ACT, DBT, and CBT, by Sheela Raja 

You can find iSurvivor by Wondery here. 

Learn more about restorative justice in high schools in this article and this report by the WestEd Justice and Prevention Resource Center. 

This recent article about Aziz Ansari talks about what happened and where it is at now. Aziz also talks about the situation in his recent Netflix special 'Right Now.'

You can support Poly Pages on Instagram @polypages,. You can find your co-hosts on Instagram @claireltravers and @sebastiandaou. Our wonderful music is lovingly provided by the amazing Mint Green who can be found on bandcamp, facebook and Instagram: @mintgreenmusic. The track we use is Curtains from their EP Growth. Feel free to contact our email - [email protected] - for any questions or comments.