Precarious

Here's another BONUS episode of the Precarious podcast. I'm tossing these out there as I feel moved to share with you an "audio journal" version of my experiences living and dying. I guess you could say I'm letting you in to my inner workings as I travel down this path.

These audio journals are not meant to replace the original Precarious podcast format. I do plan to interview guests as long as I am feelng well enough and can recruit guests to interview.

In this episode, I share my reactions to a Mary Oliver Essay titled "the Bird". This is a magical story at every level: the original story she wrote, my story, the serendipity of the intersection of these stories. Boundless beauty wrapped in hope.

In this episode of BONUS EPISODE of Precarious, I share my experiences about how my not knowing how much time I have left to live has beautfully transformed my relationship with time for the better.

I have a different relationship with time. Cancer has made that clear to me. Have you thought about your relationship with time? How do you view time? Do you chase it? Lose it? Wish you had more of it? Wish you were better at mastering it? Listen to the language we use around the concept of time and you realize that we have made time a commodity. There are entire industries based on helping you learn skills to better use your time. Only humans would take time and make it a business venture. We have sadly veered off course.

I met Jeff Eagan a couple of years ago. He is a physical therapist specializing in oncology. What does that mean? Research demonstrates that moving your body and exercising through cancer treatment decreases fatigue, increases mood and improves quality of life. Over the years, Jeff and his colleagues have built an incredible program which has blossemed into a community of people living with cancer "working out" together. What he didn't ancticipate is the healing goes above and beyond rehabing the body. This community of people living with cancer is really Rehab for the Soul. Listen to us swap stories of love, connection, and mutual support that falls into it's own category of "magic".

I've been living with cancer (ovarian and breast and now ovarian) for nine years. I've been grateful to have periods of life with out active disease. Now - I'm approaching the end of my life. If someone told me that I would live nine years beyond the day I was first diagnosed, I would not have believed them. It's hard to capture all that I have learned about myself, others and what it means to be human through facing my death by living my life. But, in this episode, I try my best to share this "wisdom" with you. There is nothing special about me. I happened to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, like so many and others who have experienced trauma and tragedy. It's my hope that you gain some of these insights without having the terminal diagnosis. I believe it's possible. Give it a try.

I've stopped treatment for my cancer. And, honestly, didn't plan on recording another podcast mostly because I did't think I'd still be alive. In this episode of the Precarious podcast, I took advantage of my "aliveness" and sat down with my dear friend, Michelle Faris. She has shown up for me in ways that bring tears to my eyes: such acts of beauty. I wanted to capture an organic conversation and share this with you. Over this past month, we have explored all sorts of topics revolving around my illness and imminent death. Don't be frightened to listen. This conversation is filled with hope, love and peace. I'd go as far to say it's an optimistic take on how we face our final act as humans.

I love sitting down with Skye C Cleary because I love philosophers and especially female philosophers! This was a treat for me. Not only is Skye a philosopher, she is an author - her most recent book "How to be Authentic. Simone de Beauvoir and the Quest for Fulfillment".

She also teaches at Columbia University and the City University of New York. I could go on and on about her achievements. But, what I want you to know is that our conversation revolved around a well-known existential female philosopher (Simone de Beauvoir) and how her beliefs are relevant today. What is fulfillment? What does it mean to be authentic? What is happiness? How does our impending death inform us about the lives we lead? How do women perceive these concepts and major milestones in life differently from men?

I recorded this episode in mid-September and am just releasing it now (my cancer/treatment got in the way).

Cissy White is a writer, speaker and advocate all things trauma. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse and abandonment and has created a platform to raise awareness of the devastating lingering impacts resulting in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

A few years ago, Cissy was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer - something we share in common. She has taken her passion for advocacy for healing the shame that comes with our trauma and talks about how she is harnessing this as she moves through treatment for cancer. She admitted that it feels easier to live with the PTSD from cancer than it does from childhood sexual abuse. What I most appreciate about Cissy is her optimism in the power of healing in the midst of struggle.

What if this is as good as it gets? What if our best days are behind us? I think about this often as I'm constantly adjusting my definition of what it means to be fulfilled, successful, or even happy (I'd settle for content). Join me as I explore the benefits of accepting what is and what shows up in our lives. There is a down side to perpetually striving to be better than good. And ,if this sounds depressing, it's not. It might actually provide relief.

Dr Keith Kahn-Harris has been living with Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) since his early twenties. He acknowledges that he is privileged in that he was able through support of his family to complete his graduate studies and become a professor, researcher and writer. Despite his accomplishments, he continues to strive to balance his chronic illness and live his full life. I was intrigued by an article he published in The Guardian: "I gave up hope of a cure for my chronic condition. And it’s made me happier than ever before." We talk about the idea of hope - when it is helpful and when it is hurtful. Maybe leaning into accepting what is may be more helpful than hoping for something that will never be.

Joe Sooch is 29 years old and has been living with Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva (FOP) is a very rare genetic connective tissue disorder characterized by the abnormal development of bone in areas of the body where bone is not normally present such as the ligaments, tendons, and skeletal muscles. He has lost 95% of his mobility and relies on others to help him with daily functions. But, talking to him, you wouldn't know it. He has a way of living with this disease that puts it in the background which is impressive given how this has physically shaped his life. And, this is not living in denial. He very much lives in his reality. He just doesn't let the illness overshadow what's important to him. We talk about relationships, sex, podcasting and living a full and big life. Joe left a huge impression on me. I'm a better person for it.