Psychology of the Daf Maseches Eruvin

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective

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רָבָא אָמַר: ״לֹא בַשָּׁמַיִם הִיא״ — לֹא תִּמָּצֵא בְּמִי שֶׁמַּגְבִּיהַּ דַּעְתּוֹ עָלֶיהָ כַּשָּׁמַיִם, וְלֹא תִּמָּצֵא בְּמִי שֶׁמַּרְחִיב דַּעְתּוֹ עָלֶיהָ כַּיָּם.

Expounding the verse differently, Rava said: “It is not in heaven” means that Torah is not to be found in someone who raises his mind over it, like the heavens, i.e., he thinks his mind is above the Torah and he does not need a teacher; nor is it to be found in someone who expands his mind over it, like the sea, i.e., he thinks he knows everything there is to know about the topic he has learned.

רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן אָמַר: ״לֹא בַּשָּׁמַיִם הִיא״ — לֹא תִּמָּצֵא בְּגַסַּי רוּחַ, ״וְלֹא מֵעֵבֶר לַיָּם הִיא״ — לֹא תִּמָּצֵא לֹא בְּסַחְרָנִים וְלֹא בְּתַגָּרִים.

Rabbi Yoḥanan said: “It is not in heaven” means that Torah is not to be found in the haughty, those who raise their self-image as though they were in heaven. “Nor is it beyond the sea” means that it is not to be found among merchants or traders who are constantly traveling and do not have the time to study Torah properly.

בן יהוידע

לֹא תִּמָּצֵא בַּסַּחְרָנִים וְלֹא בַּתַּגָּרִים. י"ל סוחר ותגר מין אחד, ועוד למה לא זכר עוד שלחנים וחנוונים וכן בעלי מלאכות חייטים נגרים אורגים וצורפים וכיוצא?

ונראה לי בס"ד יש תלמידי חכמים שאין לומדים תורה בעירם כדי שלא יתבלבלו או יתבטלו מלימודם בשביל צרכי הבית, אלא הולכים ללמוד תורה בעיר אחרת וכנגד אלו נקיט סַּחְרָנִים שהם המחזרין בעיירות וכמ"ש רש"י ז"ל. ועוד יש תלמידי חכמים שלומדים תורה בעירם, וכנגד אלו נקיט תַּגָּרִים שהם יושבים בעירם ומקומן.

Ben Yehoyada questions the two professions chosen: 1. What is the difference between a merchant and a trader? 2. Why not mention other professions as well? He answers that there are two types of students of torah. Some feel the need to travel outside their home town, and others feel it’s sufficient to study at home. This corresponds to the merchant who goes abroad and the trader who stays local. Neither in the merchant nor the trader Will be successful only the corresponding student of Torah will be successful.

It occurs to me a different explanation. The question is a good question why single out these two professions, that is the trader and the merchant? Also, what really is the difference between this clause by Rabbi Yochanan and the earlier one by Rava?

I would like to borrow from Ben Yehoyada’s Idea about the merchant and the trader but apply it in a different way. Perhaps this is a subtle criticism of the two different types of students of Torah. That is, there are those who think The only solution is to go abroad, and others who stubbornly stay put. Either situation may be “overthinking” because by all rights, Torah is accessible anywhere as the verse promises is it is not in heaven nor is it on the other side of the sea. And this might be actually the connection between the first clause of Rabbi Yochanan’s dicta and the second. Namely don't be so arrogant to assume that you're so special that you have to travel abroad to study Torah, nor don't be so arrogant to think that you're so special that you somehow can afford not to go on a quest if that is really the right thing to do for your development. We cannot underestimate the need to sometimes make personal accommodations, that is why the directives are contradictory. So, yes, sometimes the answer is to travel abroad, And sometimes the answer is to stay put. But ultimately, one must realize that the answer lies within oneself. As Yogi Bera famously said, “Wherever you go, that’s where you’ll be.”

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective

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Having discussed the importance of reviewing one’s Torah study, the Gemara relates that Rabbi Perida had a certain student whom he would have to teach four hundred times, and only then would he learn the material, as he was incapable of understanding it otherwise. One day they requested Rabbi Perida’s presence for a mitzva matter after the lesson. Rabbi Perida taught his student four hundred times as usual, but this time the student did not successfully learn the material.

Rabbi Perida said to him: What is different now that you are unable to grasp the lesson? He said to him: From the time that they said to the Master that there is a mitzva matter for which he is needed, my mind was distracted from the lesson and every moment I said: Now the Master will get up, now the Master will get up to go and perform the mitzva and he will not complete the lesson. Rabbi Perida said to him: Pay attention this time and I will teach you, and know that I will not leave until you have fully mastered the lesson. He taught him again an additional four hundred times.

Due to the merit of Rabbi Perida’s great devotion to his students, a Divine Voice emerged and said to him: Is it preferable to you that four hundred years be added to your life, or that you and the rest of your generation will merit the World-to-Come? He said: I prefer that I and my generation merit the World-to-Come. The Holy One, Blessed be He, said to the angels: Give him both; he shall live a very long life and he and the rest of his generation will merit the World-to-Come.

בן יהוידע

Beautiful idea that the patience he showed even when his first efforts seemed to be completely wasted was what made for the special zechus.

One might ask, how did this merit end up benefiting the entire generation? What did the generation do? The Ben Yehoyada has an interesting interpretation about generation. It is actually a hint that’s a different root souls that are connected to Rabbi Pereida’s Soul. In other words it wasn’t his generation is it the people who lived during his time, rather it was literally his “generation“, meaning all the different individuals throughout history that somehow or another contained the root elements of his soul.

However, A simple answer that occurs to me is that if the student was taught so patiently, it would lead him to become a great teacher as well, which would intern produce many patient students and teachers and ultimately benefit the entire generation. This reminds me of my father ז״ל Who had many students, in fact thousands of students, who ended up teaching others. And, he was indeed known for his incredible patience and understanding for his students and how he taught teachers to be the same. I will just give one example of some of my father’s teachings: he would point out that often there are children who think deeply but slowly, and not every child has a mind that is quick to come up with the answer right away. In fact, some children will come up with the answer right away, although they are bright, do not necessarily come up with the best answer. Therefore, a teacher when asking the class a question, should pause for five whole seconds allowing other children to think and raise their hands and not just answer the child who raises his or her hand first. Indeed, my father would ask the children NOT to raise their hands until 5 seconds had passed.

And finally, I would like to focus on the initial concepts discussed here. The student had great difficulty concentrating because he was fearful that any minute his master would have to run off and leave as he was summoned to an important task. This idea of needing to be fully present, and another person feeling insecure when there is a sense that he or she may not be present is vital. Sometimes people, parents or spouses make “quality time“ for their loved ones. If there is a sense of impatience, even if the intention is in the right place, it can detract from the experience of being present. A modern day example of this is somebody who has their phone on vibrate while listening to a child or a spouse. It might be with the best of intentions to be available, but the spouse or the child may feel the constant fear of the phone interrupting. Even if the person is of such a quality that he does not let the phone interrupt, as doubtless rabbi Pereida was, still the fear of the interruption detracts. Or, say you are coming home and in a rush, perhaps you have to run right out in 3 minutes. if you have to do that, during those three minutes you could act as if you have all the time in the world. In my father's later years, you work very hard on this quality. No matter how busy he was, when he was listening to somebody he gave his full Focus. This is an important quality to develop especially in today's Times.

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

מַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: לִבָּן שֶׁל רִאשׁוֹנִים כְּפִתְחוֹ שֶׁל אוּלָם, וְשֶׁל אַחֲרוֹנִים כְּפִתְחוֹ שֶׁל הֵיכָל, וְאָנוּ — כִּמְלֹא נֶקֶב מַחַט סִידְקִית.

Similarly, Rabbi Yoḥanan said: The hearts, i.e., the wisdom, of the early Sages were like the doorway to the Entrance Hall of the Temple, which was twenty by forty cubits, and the hearts of the later Sages were like the doorway to the Sanctuary, which was ten by twenty cubits. And we, i.e., our hearts, are like the eye of a fine needle.

Shir Hashirim Rabbah 5:2:2

אָמַר הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לְיִשְׂרָאֵל, בָּנַי, פִּתְחוּ לִי פֶּתַח אֶחָד שֶׁל תְּשׁוּבָה כְּחֻדָּהּ שֶׁל מַחַט, וַאֲנִי פּוֹתֵחַ לָכֶם פְּתָחִים שֶׁיִּהְיוּ עֲגָלוֹת וּקְרוֹנִיּוֹת נִכְנָסוֹת בּוֹ.

The Holy One Blessed Be he says that Israel, my sons, open and opening of repentance like the point of a needle, and I will open up for you an entrance large enough for wagons and crates to pass through

We also say it in Tashlich:

רַב לְהוֹשִׁיעַ הָאֵר עֵינֵינוּ כַּאֲשֶׁר בְּגֹדֶל רַחֲמֶיךָ הִבְטַחְתָּנוּ פִּתְחוּ לִי פֶּתַח כְּחֻדּוֹ שֶׁל מַחַט וַאֲנִי אֶפְתַּח לָכֶם פֶּתַח כְּפִתְחוֹ שֶׁל אוּלָם…

This translates a little differently, it says that if you open up an opening like the point of a needle I will open up the opening like the entrance to the foyer, presumably of the Temple. Perhaps they're both related because in the Mishkon, the wagons held the equipment and the vessels of the Tabernacle. so perhaps, it is by deduction that the opening is as large as the opening to the temple. Even though, technically the Tabernacle had a different size opening than the temple.

In any case, I draw your attention a beautiful detail. Most people Translate the phrase colloquially as eye of a needle, as is used in the context of our Gemara. However, the saying about repentance uses the phrase point of a needle. My friends, the point of a needle is even more narrow than the eye of a needle. So, G-d is requiring for repentance even the most minimal Point, even smaller than the eye of a needle, merely the point of a needle.

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

The Gemara quotes the verse in Isaiah 58:13

אִם־תָּשִׁ֤יב מִשַּׁבָּת֙ רַגְלֶ֔ךָ עֲשׂ֥וֹת חֲפָצֶ֖יךָ בְּי֣וֹם קָדְשִׁ֑י וְקָרָ֨אתָ לַשַּׁבָּ֜ת עֹ֗נֶג לִקְד֤וֹשׁ יְהוָה֙ מְכֻבָּ֔ד וְכִבַּדְתּוֹ֙ מֵעֲשׂ֣וֹת דְּרָכֶ֔יךָ מִמְּצ֥וֹא חֶפְצְךָ֖ וְדַבֵּ֥ר דָּבָֽר׃

If you refrain from trampling the sabbath, From pursuing your affairs on My holy day; If you call the sabbath “delight,” The LORD’s holy day “honored”; And if you honor it and go not your ways Nor look to your affairs, nor strike bargains—

The Mei Hashiloach understands this verse in a new a different manner:

חלק א, ליקוטים מחמש מגלות, מגלת קהלת, ז׳

טוב אשר תאחז בזה וגם מזה אל תנח את ידך. הנה השי"ת צוה לישראל שיעבדו אותו בשני ענינים בקום ועשה ובשב ואל תעשה, ועל זה אמר שלמה המלך ע"ה אחוז בזה וגם מזה וכו'. היינו באם יקיים אדם רצון הש"י בקום ועשה יעשה בדעת וחשבון, כי אי אפשר שיקיים אדם מצות הש"י בשלימות רק לכבוד שמים, וזה צריך חשבון בכל מעשה אף במעשה המצות, וגם בעת שיקיים האדם רצון הש"י בשב ואל תעשה כגון שמירת שבת וכדומה צריך ג"כ לחשבון, הינו שלא ישבות ממעשה מחמת עצלות, רק צריך השביתה ג"כ להיות בזריזות, שהאדם ירצה לעשות מלאכה וישבות ממנה, כמ"ש (ישעיה כ"ח,י"ג) אם תשיב משבת רגליך, היינו שהאדם ירצה לילך ויזכור שהיום שבת ויחזיר את רגליו, והאדם שהוא תמיד בעבדות הש"י, אז הוא מקיים בכל מצוה את שניהם, הן המצות עשה יש לו הארה בהחשבון מלא תעשה והן בלא תעשה יש לו זריזות בהארה מקום ועשה.

He is learning from the verse that even the negative Commandments to keep the Sabbath are ultimately fulfilled by pulling one’s feet back from travelling for business purposes. Meaning, The Sabbath is not about merely resting and not doing something, it is about mindfully not doing something, mindfully holding back in order to enter into the proper state of the Sabbath. Furthermore, he's saying that applies for all negative Commandments. It is not enough not to do it, rather it must be mindfully resisted and consciously understood for whatever value it has to offer.

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

לָא הִיא, לָא תְּנָא לֵיהּ כְּרַבִּי יוֹסֵי, אֶלָּא כִּי הֵיכִי דְּלִיקַבֵּל לַהּ מִינֵּיהּ, מִשּׁוּם דְּרַבִּי יוֹסֵי נִימּוּקוֹ עִמּוֹ.

The Gemara comments: But it is not so; that is not the opinion of Rabbi Yosei. Rabba only taught it as if it is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yosei so that Rav Yosef would accept it from him, due to the fact that Rabbi Yosei’s reasoning accompanies his rulings, Since the halakha is usually in accordance with Rav Yosei’s opinion, Rav Yosef would be less likely to raise doubts with regard to the ruling.

Takanas Hashavin 15

מצינו כהאי גונא שהיו מטעים לחכמים כדי להעמיד הדין על אמיתו, על דרך האי דיבמות [קט"ז ריש ע"ב] א"ל ספדי וכו' ולפום שקרא אינהו כרבנן סבירא ליה וכו' עיין שם, ואף לומר שקר כהאי דשבת [קט"ו ריש ע"א] א"ל אתא איגרתא ממערבא וכו' עיין שם ברש"י, ובעירובין [נ"א.] לא תנא לי' כר' יוסי אלא כי היכי דליקבל לה מיניה, וכן האי דקדושין [מ"ר:] אפכוה ושדרוה וכו' פי' שם ברש"י וכדומה

I also discussed this matter in somewhat greater length in my blog and video on Eruvin 11.

https://youtu.be/4VoAMxmWbPU

https://nefesh.org/SimchaFeuerman/truth--misinformation-in-halakha-psychology-of-the-daf-eruvin-/read

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

אַמַּאי? לֵימָא: כׇּל שֶׁאֵינוֹ בְּזֶה אַחַר זֶה — אֲפִילּוּ בְּבַת אַחַת אֵינוֹ!

According to Rabba’s opinion, the question arises: Why should the produce be rendered fit for consumption? Let us say and apply his principle: Anything that cannot be accomplished sequentially; even simultaneously it cannot be accomplished. Since one may not designate two tenths sequentially, one tenth followed by a second tenth, likewise, he should be precluded from simultaneously designating two tenths of his produce as a tithe. Accordingly, it should be considered as though he had not designated any tithe at all, and therefore his produce should not be regarded as tithed.

Let us mediate on the concept of multi-tasking.

Can One Think two thoughts at the same time? Conventional wisdom says no. However, a recent study using functional MRI’s shows that each of the two brain hemispheres can divide into two once again, and manage albeit less efficiently two tasks at the same time. On the other hand, three tasks is overload. Let us try to understand why:

The prefrontal cortex has an anterior and a posterior region. It also is divided into right and left hemispheres. The anterior region is in charge of setting the goal, the posterior region is in charge of managing the task. When study participants were asked to select letters from a random pile that match up to a given word, the functional MRI was able to track the typical anterior-posterior chain of events. However, if they were also asked to divide them up between upper and lower case, then the activity divided into four regions: anterior-posterior, right and left. Since the brain has two hemispheres, it can manage to do the two tasks. However when a third variable was added into the task, participants would get confused and inevitably forget one of the three. This shows that the brain anatomy corresponds convincingly to the ability. Two tasks are okay, three is overload.

Here is a link and citation to the study:

https://science.sciencemag.org/content/328/5976/360.abstract

Divided Representation of Concurrent Goals in the Human Frontal LobesBY SYLVAIN CHARRON, ETIENNE KOECHLIN (SCIENCE16 APR 2010 : 360-363) The human brain is limited to accurately negotiate the pursuit of two concurrent goals at the same time.

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective

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וּכְגוֹן זֶה כּוֹפִין עַל מִדַּת סְדוֹם.

In a case such as this, one compels another to refrain from behavior characteristic of Sodom. We force a person to waive his legal rights in order to prevent him from acting in a manner characteristic of the wicked city of Sodom. If one denies another use of his possessions, even though he would incur no loss or damage by granting use of his property, his conduct is considered to be characteristic of Sodom. The courts may sometimes compel such a person to waive his legal rights.

On Middas Sodom

Kometz HaMincha 1:31

כל דעביד רחמנא לטב (ברכות ס'), דבלאו הכי זה נהנה וזה לא חסר כופין על מדת סדום. ולפעמים לכפרת עונות וגם זה לטוב כמו הרופא מקיז דם ועושה חבורה. וזהו כל המחלה אשר שמתי במצרים. שהיו לדראון עולם על ידיהם. לא אשים עליך בדרך זה. כי אני ד' רופאך. באלה המכות:

Rav Tzadok HaCohen Mi-Lublin brings across a fascinating dimension of the principle of Kofin Al Middas Sodom. it is within the Jewish ethic that if one does not lose out in any way then what is forbidden to withhold a good or service from somebody else. This is so even to the extent that it could be enforced by the courts, which is something quite unique in Jewish law over secular law.

Rob Tzadok uses this to raise a question. Since G-d is omnipotent, why should He punish us for our sins? Could He not just reward us anyhow since it doesn't cost him anything. Is this not Middas Sodom? he says, we therefore must conclude that also called punishments are for our own good. He then cleverly uses the juxtaposition of the verse that states in Exodus (15:26) That I am G-d your healer and I also will not bring upon you the punishments that I brought upon the Egyptians in the following manner. It is not that G-d is just giving us a free ride and not bringing the pain or the punishments that He gave the Egyptians. No, quite the opposite, because he is on healer he brings Upon Us punishments for the sake of improving us. Categorically the experience is different.

וַיֹּאמֶר֩ אִם־שָׁמ֨וֹעַ תִּשְׁמַ֜ע לְק֣וֹל ׀ יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֶ֗יךָ וְהַיָּשָׁ֤ר בְּעֵינָיו֙ תַּעֲשֶׂ֔ה וְהַֽאֲזַנְתָּ֙ לְמִצְוֺתָ֔יו וְשָׁמַרְתָּ֖ כָּל־חֻקָּ֑יו כָּֽל־הַמַּֽחֲלָ֞ה אֲשֶׁר־שַׂ֤מְתִּי בְמִצְרַ֙יִם֙ לֹא־אָשִׂ֣ים עָלֶ֔יךָ כִּ֛י אֲנִ֥י יְהוָ֖ה רֹפְאֶֽךָ׃)

He said, “If you will heed the LORD your God diligently, doing what is upright in His sight, giving ear to His commandments and keeping all His laws, then I will not bring upon you any of the diseases that I brought upon the Egyptians, for I the LORD am your healer.”

Of course, it is difficult to experience challenges of life with Equanimity and the philosophy that it is there to help us grow and improve. There is a time for being angry and for grieving. However, the psychological literature as well supports the notion that recovery from trauma consists of being able to make meaning of the experience that happened. It's not that we need to say we had to have the trauma, however it is important to understand how would happen to us makes us who we are and how we used what happened ultimately into an opportunity for growth. This cannot be rushed, and not imposed from the outside. Friends, lovers & Family must do their best to be patient and understanding. We must keep in mind what the Gemara (Bava Metzia 58b) tells us about Job’s friends: Even though technically his friends were right that the experience that he went through were part of G-d's benevolence oh, they were cruel for saying it because that was something he needed to find for himself.

אם היו יסורין באין עליו אם היו חלאים באין עליו או שהיה מקבר את בניו אל יאמר לו כדרך שאמרו לו חביריו לאיוב (איוב ד, ו) הלא יראתך כסלתך תקותך ותום דרכיך זכר נא מי הוא נקי אבד

If torments are afflicting a person, if illnesses are afflicting him, or if he is burying his children, one may not speak to him in the manner that the friends of Job spoke to him: “Is not your fear of God your confidence, and your hope the integrity of your ways? Remember, I beseech you, whoever perished, being innocent?” (Job 4:6–7). Certainly you sinned, as otherwise you would not have suffered misfortune.

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

כִּי אֲתָא לְקַמֵּיהּ דְּרַב פָּפָּא, אֲמַר לֵיהּ: אִי דָּיְיקִינַן כּוּלֵּא הַאי, לָא הֲוֵי תָּנֵינַן.

When Rav Mesharshiya’s son came before Rav Pappa, the latter said to him: Were we to be so precise, we would not be able to learn anything at all, as we would be too busy answering such questions.

פלא יועץ ערך גרסא

גירסא - אמרו רבותינו זכרונם לברכה (שבת סג, א) לגרס אנש והדר לסבר ואיתא בש''ס (ערובין מח, א) אמר רב פפא, אי דיקנא לא גרסנא. הנה כי כן אין ראוי לתלמיד חכם שיוציא כל ימיו בעיון ופלפול וחדוד, אלא יקבע עתים בכל יום ללמד בעיון כפי כחו, ש''ס או פוסקים, ושאר היום יפנה עצמו ללמד בקיאות ש''ס ופוסקים (וכמו שנכתב לקמן בערך ''למוד'') באפן שתהא ידו בכל ויהא בקי בכל הדינים. ומה גם שבמקום להוציא הזמן לעין ולפלפל בדברי האחרונים לבנות ולנתץ ולכתב עליהם במידי דלא נפקא מנה מידי לענין הלכה למעשה, יותר טוב שיתעסק באותן העתים ללמד בקיאות להבין להשכיל לשמע ללמד וללמד לשמר ולעשות ולקים:

It is clear from the language of the Pele Yoetz that the majority of the time to be spent reading the gemara fluently and simply, and a smaller amount of time spent in deeper analysis. People are used to thinking that those who do hundreds of pages of Gemara a year and review them are super geniuses. Indeed, some of them may be very bright. However, most people are deprived of the opportunity of experiencing Gemara as literature. It is very beautiful to do so; it has its own syntax its own style -- its back and forth parries of questions and answers. It is highly worthwhile to master the art of being able to read a Gemara with a simple explanation and do several Pages at a time. If you don't do Rashi it takes only about 10 to 15 minutes to read a page of Gemara. If you do several pages and review view about 100 pages in a month you begin to see a certain Beauty and you begin to appreciate deeply the pattern and the lessons that one can learn from the style of the rabbis, in the way they think and in the way they lived. I recommend it highly.

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

In this section we will discuss and an unusual custom that, according to some, was enacted in order to forestall wedding night trauma. Imagine if one year the Moschiach came and Elijah the prophet announced that this year the Mitzvah on Seder night is to have a Ham on Rye. Even the most devout believer would probably choke while trying to perform the Mitzvah. This is what wedding night trauma is for some couples who have spent their whole life feeling the sexuality is Forbidden and suddenly it is an obligation to perform. This experience can lead to years of trauma and dysfunction such as painful intercourse and impotence.

רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר: נְשׂוּאוֹת — יִתְאָרְסוּ.

Rabbi Yehuda says: A woman who had been married when she became widowed or divorced may be betrothed immediately, as couples do not have relations during the period of their betrothal. However, she may not marry until three months have passed, in order to differentiate between any possible offspring from the first and second husband.

וַאֲרוּסוֹת — יִנָּשְׂאוּ, חוּץ מֵאֲרוּסָה שֶׁבִּיהוּדָה, מִפְּנֵי שֶׁלִּבּוֹ גַּס בָּהּ.

A woman who had only been betrothed when she became widowed or divorced may be married immediately, as it may be assumed that the couple did not have relations during the period of their betrothal. This is except for a betrothed woman in Judea, because there the bridegroom’s heart is bold, as it was customary for couples to be alone together during the period of betrothal, and consequently there is a suspicion that they might have had relations, in which case she might be carrying his child. However, no similar concern applies in other places.

כתובות יב, א

מתני׳ האוכל אצל חמיו ביהודה שלא בעדים אינו יכול לטעון טענת בתולים מפני שמתייחד עמה:

MISHNA: A man who eats at the house of his father-in-law in Judea after betrothal and with-out witnesses to attest to the fact that he was not alone with his betrothed is unable to make a claim concerning virginity after marriage because in accordance with the custom in Judea, the assumption is that he secluded himself with her, and the concern is that it was he who engaged in intercourse with her.

שיטה מקובצת כתובות שם

מתניתין האוכל אצל חמיו כו'. מפני שמתייחד עמה. כלומר דרכן של בני יהודה היה לייחד החתן עם הכלה קודם שנכנסו לחופה כדי שיהא לבו גס בה שתאהב הכלה את החתן לפי שאין האשה כורתת ברית אלא למי שעשאה כלי ואם ח"ו תבעל להגמון אחר כך תבעל לה באונס א"נ כדי שימצאנה ההגמון בעולה ויבטל גזרתו שגזר כל בתולה שנשאת ברביעי תבעל להגמון תחלה ומשום הכי היה מנהג ביהודה יותר משאר מקומות לפי שרוב גזרותיו ביהודה משום שיודע שממנו עתיד לצאת משיח שיושיע את ישראל וישפוט את הר עשו

The shita seems to hold that the reason for the custom in Yehuda was in reaction to the Primae Noctis, a custom in many cultures in the ancient world for the king to have sexual relations with the virgin bride before her wedding. The inhabitants of Judea would allow the bride and groom be sexual once during their erusin (betrothal period) before their nesuin either to create the bond between husband and wife before the Hegemon interferes or to actually outwit him by rendering her no longer a virgin.

רש״י יבמות מא, א

חוץ מארוסה שביהודה - דתנן פרק קמא דכתובות (דף יב.) ביהודה היו מייחדים החתן והכלה קודם כניסתן לחופה כדי שיהא לבו גס בה כלומר רגיל ומצחק עמה שלא יהיו בושין זה מזה בבעילת מצוה הלכך חיישינן דלמא בעיל:

According to Rashi the custom was in order to prevent wedding night trauma. The custom in Judea was to encourage developing comfort and a relationship first before the pressure of having to be sexual on the wedding night.

Interestingly enough, the Yad Ephraim )קצ״ז) on Yoreh Deah (1760-1828) records a contemporary custom of the groom being alone with the bride the night before the wedding in order to fulfill the requirement of making sure the groom voluntarily chooses the bride and desires her as well as quotes this Rashi about them being comfortable before attempting intimacy.

“….ולפי מנהג מדינות אלו שבלילה שלפני החופה שעושין סעודה בבית הכלה שקורין חתן מא"ל ומביאין החתן ג"כ לשם עם הבחורים לאחר הסעודה מייחדין החתן והכלה בחדר מיוחד מ"מ נראה דשפיר טובלת ביום דלא שייך בזה סרך בתה דאע"פ שמייחדין אותם מ"מ ידוע שהיחוד אינו לביאה רק בכדי לקיים דברי חז"ל אסו' לקדש אשה עד שיראנה וגם שיהא לבו גס בה…”

What is fascinating here is that wedding night trauma is an experience that seems to be cross-cultural and cross-generational. Even though we do not have these customs that they had in Judea it does tell us that we could be attuned and find our way to forestall this problem. Thorough premarital counseling and education as well as rabbinic sensitivity and parental involvement is crucial.

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective

For Mareh Mekomos Click Below

וְלֹא אָמְרוּ לְעָרֵב חֲצֵירוֹת, אֶלָּא כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא לְשַׁכֵּחַ תּוֹרַת עֵירוּב מִן הַתִּינוֹקוֹת.

And they said to establish an eiruv for courtyards only after all the inhabitants of the city merge their alleyways and become like the inhabitants of a single courtyard, so that the law of eiruv should not be forgotten by the children, who may not be aware of the arrangement that has been made with regard to the alleyways.

I will take a moment here to make a comment about chinuch. Personally, I believe an Eiruv is a beautiful thing. If there is a responsible halakhic Way to allow for carrying it should be utilized. This Is especially true for young mothers need to get outside with their babies and small children.

Yet, having grown up In my early youth without an Eiruv, I can appreciate it more and also understand how easy it is for another generation to forget what carrying on Shabbos is.

This is why for several decades, I suggest (always bli neder) that my family members not carry on Shabbos Shuvah. Really it could be any shabbos of the year but I chose Shabbos Shuvah for a two reasons:

During the aseres ymei teshuva it is customary to be more vigilant than usual in regard to halakha and it is not considered hypocritical even if regularly you do not engage in that level. See for example, Shulkhan Arukh OH:603

The idea of not using an Eiruv is an experience of scaling down and simplification. The extra thought of going to Shul by wearing the talis, not carrying you favorite Sefer, or not being able to walk out of the house without checking your pockets engenders a certain humility and restraint that feels right for Shabbos Shuva

Discuss the idea with your family at the shabbos table and put in some comments letting me know how it went and what you decided.