Read it and Weep

In this episode of the podcast, we jump into another movie considered by the Internet to be one of the worst ever made. But in this case, we find it.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a filmic abomination so bad it makes “The Room” look like “The Shawshank Redemption.” The only mildly interesting part of movie is the original 1978 commercials that are left in to the bootleg copy we watched.

After the compliment sandwich and a game of Hatebage, we debut a new segment, Guide Comics For The Blind. Because if we had to watch it, blind people should have to as well.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska is the first (and probably not the last) reality show about a lady who quit being governor to be more famous more of the time.  In it, Sarah and her family kill fish.  And…  No. That’s basically it.  Oh, and she loves America. It’s like One Fish, Two Fish, Red, White, and Blue Fish.

We make fun of it with compliments, hates, and a new game called A Beautiful Mind in which we try to figure out what’s going on in a stupid person’s head.  Read it and Weep’s Alaska correspondent Carl Brodersen calls in with an update about the things about his state that don’t suck.

The time has come for us to say goodnight to President Bush, so I thought I’d write him a poem.

For the middle third of his book, George W. Bush continues to point his ugly decisions at us.  His ability to recall things from his presidency is on stunning display, as when his segue from the Afghanistan section into the one about Iraq was as confusing as his actual transition between those two wars.

We take his main actions from this section and have a four-way debate [editor’s note: there should be a French word for this but I couldn’t find one].  What was the biggest mistake George W. Bush is sure he didn’t make?

It’s been several days since we recorded this episode reviewing George W. Bush’s self-serving memoir.  Just like him, we’ve learned nothing from reflecting on his presidency.  But whereas he thinks he was an awesome president, we don’t know what he is.  So we try to figure out by playing a game called “Evil, Stupid, or Crazy?”  Is Bush doing things that he knows are wrong?  He’s evil.  Does he not know what he’s doing?  He’s stupid.  Does he think what he’s doing is right because he doesn’t see what’s actually going on in the world?  George W. Bush is crazy.

The second half of The Power finally reveals Rhonda Byrne’s true intentions. The greatest power in the universe should be used to get money, seduce husbands, and save on medical bills by dying of curable diseases. We attack all three of these plans by showing that a love-alanche doesn’t necessarily bring a cash-alanche. And by relating everything back to cake. Will the Law of Attraction bring us cake? Tune in next week to find out.

Today’s guest “Kerr” has a mediocre blog – This Blog Has A Title.

Having already reviewed The Secret and failed to achieve fame, fortune, and magic, we embark on its sequel, The Power.

Rhonda Byrne tries to capitalize on her previous success by writing exactly the same book. As such, we make exactly the same jokes about it. Clarezra Explains It All in our new favorite feature, and clears up many confusing aspects of the book. Afterwards, we attempt to recreate the amazing audio book production by creating our own sound effects. For one reason or another, we imagine what it would be like to go down on Stephen “Jesus” Strasburg.

Jacewoww joins us again as we limp to the finish line with our favorite gang of Cheetoes. In this episode we force ourselves to take bold stances on the Maxipad incident, vehicular smushage, acid sweat, and death by hovercraft. Snooki further endears herself to us by having T. rex arms, killing lobsters with kindness, and not understanding if pickles are a type of food. An added bonus, this review of Jersey Shore was made with real quotes from the Situation, who has ruined that word for us forever.

When the government loses control of their evil creation, a half-shark half-octopus that makes no physical sense whatsoever, it goes on a killing spree along the beaches of Mexican tourist towns. Are you filled with questions at this point? We were too, but that’s why we followed our Compliment Sandwich with a new segment called Clarezra Explains It All. Then, we try to answer the age old question, who would win in a fight, Sharktopus, Space Shark, or Ghost Shark? After a lively discussion, we opt to settle things in a three-way rap battle. Next up it’s the return of Lightning Bonus Round.

Stephanie Meyer didn’t try very hard on this book so I won’t try very hard on this summary. Basically, we shit on her new novella and along the way discuss how much fun it would be to lick-em stick-em with vampire body parts, what vampire sex is like (hint: don’t use venom as lube!), and which Twilight characters would make the best super heroes. Oh, and as a bonus, we name a listener’s baby using our patented Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.