Aww… have people been mean to poh Sawah? Shame on dem. You showed dem with dis book, doh. And da way you didn’t wite yoself. And da way it makes you sound like a idiot and a winew.

Sarah Palin “narrates” her own “life” “story.” There’s a lot of exotic meats, a lot of breeding, and enough folksy wisdom to kill a chicken faster than fireweed in July.

The boys go to sold-out screenings of New Moon to stare at Charlie’s mustache, Alice’s hair, and Edward’s ability to ruin every scene that he’s in. Episode highlights:

In this stunning non-conclusion, Bella and Edward both manage not to kill themselves, return to Forks, and everything is as if this book never happened. If only.

We also learn why Edward and Bella love each other: She smells like the perfect ham sandwich to him.

In part 2, our boys discover that teenage guys are just moody werewolves, Alice still has great hair, and cliff diving and trips to Italy are both viable options for suicide.

In their (less than) triumphant return to the Twilight series, our boys groan their way through the first third of New Moon. The only good news to be found is that Bella wants to sleep with a large puppy dog.

To warm us up for our return to Twilight, we checked out The Vampire Diaries on CW. It was probably less miserable than Twilight, what with there being sex and all, but the trend of emo vampires is regrettable.

Shooting for a new low, we try to watch a show so bad The CW canceled it after two episodes. Will we like this show about the runway or will we run away?

What’s the worst thing you can say about a comedy? “It’s not funny?” How about “It made me want to die?” Or maybe “This awful cast ruins a perfectly bad script?”

Our hosts welcome special guest Stephen, our official D.C. correspondent, to discuss his thoughts on the Lost Symbol. Spoiler alert: the book doesn’t get any better (and the Masons really don’t have anything to hide).