Real Movies With REAL Men

What would you do if you had a time machine?

The number one answer that everyone says is go back in time and kill baby Hitler. But I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think that’s the best approach.

Beyond the fact that most people don’t have it in them psychologically to kill a baby, have we not learned anything from Doc Browns constant rantings about the unforeseen consequences of altering the natural course of history that he himself is repeatedly contradicting throughout the course of the franchise?

I have to be honest though, I don’t really care about any of that stuff, but if I had access to time travel I still don’t think I would prevent Hitler from committing such an atrocity. I would however redirect the atrocity towards a more deserving crowd.

I don’t really have any problem with the Jews, but there is another crowd of people fixated on money that I would try to direct Hitler’s angst towards in hopes to fill up them camps with. And that’s people who brag about how they don’t use a wallet.

What the fuck kind of principle is this to be proud of!? Who gives a shit!? This has to be the lamest personal achievement to be bragging about I could possibly think of.

I’m so fucking sick of hearing the false sense of accomplishment in their voice as they brag about this. As if it somehow makes you better than everyone else that instead you just jam wads of cash, cards, receipts, and whatever into your pocket like a fucking child with bubblegum and pogs or whatever else the kids are into these days.

Lets do better than just stop Hitler with a time machine. Lets use this as an opportunity. Lets use his powers of persuasion for good. Lets rid the planet of the actual people that need to die.

What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and get Hitler to station his goons outside the store waiting for people to buy money clips and then casually and calmly direct them into a fucking gas chamber. To hell with the unforeseen consequences, lets roll the dice!

Boy am I going to have egg on my face if all the people buying money clips turn out to be Jews…

END

You know when you have an argument with someone, and then 2 days later you’re still thinking up better retorts in the shower that you wish you had said?

I was hoping for one of those on this week’s episode about complaining about my roommate.

My brain really let me down this time. I literally have nothing else to say because I so fully expressed it in my 45-minute rant on this episode. All the chips are down on the table. All the hot gossip is meticulously explored. We’re the Socrates of complaining about homeless bums baby!

Also, here’s a picture of Gary Oldman from Tiptoes dressed in Midgetface:

Meeoww, this kitty has claws.

Is cat face wrong? Are these super furries? Does the cast of Real Movies enjoy a good CGI floor? Does this film do justice to everyone’s favorite issue nobody has seen, The Panther vs The Klan?

Would a Black Panther movie shot in the rural south, where the Panther fucks up a bunch of Klansman, been a better movie? Probably.

Some of this and more on today’s episode of Real Movies with Real Men!

Can we please make childface a thing?

You know, having an fully grown adult present themselves as a caricature of a young child. Like blackface, but this way we don’t have to deal with watching a movie with a child protagonist.

I bitch about a lot of reoccurring things in movies. CGI, zoom-in shaky cam, 3D, high frame rate, James Franco. But none of these are the worst offender out there.

See, when I first mentioned a comparison to blackface above, I’m sure that got some shudders from a few of you. Why would I be advocating favorably for something comparable to blackface!? You see, people like the black community, but nobody likes children. So childface should be fully endorsed by all.

A bad child actor will ruin even the best movies, but I’m starting to think maybe it’s not just the bad ones. Maybe we just need to keep all children out of prominent/speaking roles. Leave them with just the on-screen death roles.

Sure if we take the role of an 8 year old character and give it to Ryan Gosling, or as I call him The Gosler, it would be horribly unconvincing and completely take you out of the movie. But is it any worse than this!?

Ya that’s what I thought.

Nobody likes children. Nobody. Not even their own.

I’ve had this theory regarding the “breastfeeding in public” debate for a while. You know the argument of whether mothers breastfeeding in public is considered acceptable or not. I always hear from people in favor of it that you shouldn’t be so stuck up about seeing a boob being used for its natural intended purpose.

But I don’t think those people fully understand where the opposition is coming from. You see nobody has a problem about seeing tits in public, I think it’s actually the end goal of all civilized societies. The problem is seeing your disgusting child in public.

Yuck, gross. Put that shit away. Leave it at home. Anything, do anything but parade around your stoopid baby for the rest of us to see.

And it’s the same with kids on screen. Keep ’em away. Embrace childface.

END

 

AFTER THE CREDITS BONUS CONTENT!

Here’s the pictures of Snitchard controlling video games with his mind from the story told on the episode.

 

Prude Is The New Pervert

I never thought I’d be able to top Snitchard for bizarre, shocking sexual stories, but today the unimaginable happened.

By trying to be a good “American-Christian” teenager, keeping my lustful thoughts at bay, I’ve turned into the most perverted person in modern society.

It turns out, the best way to be scandalous to degenerates like Snitchard and Andy is to just…not have sex. Just goes to show how twisted modern society is!

Truth-bending like this, and more, in today’s episode!

 

Just what the hell do I have to say to get this podcast at the center of some outrage!?

This week some kid gets seen standing while wearing a red hat and everyone loses their fucking mind. Meanwhile Muller and I put forth our best effort every episode to mock and belittle every oppressed social group we can think of and nothing!

NOTHING!

Where’s the respect? Do I need to sell out this quickly?

Week by week this podcast sits at about 7 regular listeners and 200ish dummy account downloads that I pay some Asian guy to gin up, to eventually sell the podcast to the Chinese market. Years spent working toward that eventual 300 dollars and so far no response from China at all!

What do I have to do? Is it the red hats? Is that all it takes?

I constantly get told we need some kind of Joe Rogan style video feed to get more attention and I always assume they’re retarded for thinking I’m motivated enough to put even the slightest bit of effort into making this podcast into something. But perhaps they are right.

Nobody really cares to listen to the constant hate speech we espouse week to week, but they sure as fuck would if they could see we were wearing red hats while doing so.

So, much like Rocky, we’re going to get back up and keep moving forward, or some other Rocky-themed analogy that will surely tie this rant into what the episode is actually about. So say goodbye to edgy attempts at intentionally pushing people’s buttons, and hello to sitting quietly in front of a camera while wearing red hats. I can already smell the intoxicating fumes of those sweet sweet China dollar bills.

END

 

 

I haven’t even heard the episode, but I’m gonna just go ahead and apologize for it anyway.

Sorry.

Your trusted friend, Andy

END

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.

Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.

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Why is it that all our male action protagonists all look like they should be a waiter at Olive Garden?

What happened? When did this become appealing? How did it come to this? How could you ever put your faith in a character to save the world, that you only just barely have enough faith in to serve you bread sticks?

And yet this is now the norm. I swear all of the newest action movies I’ve seen have gone down this route. Robin Hood, the 2018 Predator, Ready Player One… All the pussiest looking specimens that look like they’re “just waiting tables in the meantime until their modeling career takes off.”

It’s sickening.

These filmmakers all expect me to get excited about seeing these pretty boys at the helm of all our current action thrillers. I miss the days of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van-Damme, Seagal. When people only called them handsome because they were worried the action stars might kick the shit out of them if they didn’t.

It’s a big problem when it looks like I could kick the crap out of them or run them over and not at all be worried about it potentially scratching the paint job on my Civic. That’s right, even guys who drive Civics don’t think these losers are cool.

Get real.

END

Every day is Purge Day in a Marxist utopia

Just think about it. Anytime you’re upset that someone has more skills or talent than you, you can just accuse them of being too “privileged” and then gather your torches and pitchforks.

More rejected ideas for wacky purge gangs and villains:

* The Little Kings: a group of midgets that run around wearing cardboard Burger King crowns. They only eat burgers and use a lot of burger lingo and insults, like “Hey you damn onion ring, you messed with the wrong king”.

* Michael Douglas from Falling Down: he’s fed up with the world’s shit, and with a bag full of guns you’d better hope you don’t mildly inconvenience him

* The Tighty Whiteys: they all wear their underwear on the outside of their pants and drink warm milk.

* The Kingpins: a gang of bowlers that throw around bowling ball bombs

* The Diabetics: super fat, complain about having diabetes, soak up all of the government’s health care dollars.

* Blackfoot: leader of “The Diabetics”.

* The Notaries: they follow people around, and anytime they make a promise in a personal conversation they turn it into a legal obligation. Particularly insidious against young people or politicians (whoo hoo, that’s some low ass hanging fruit to call a politician a liar).

* The Audiophiles: carries around superpowered speakers to burst your eardrums. But damnit if that music won’t be in a crisp, lossless format.

Credit to Dave for some of these ideas.