Show Notes:
I didn’t start REALLY loving myself until we bought our first home.

It’s difficult for me to remember what age I was, but I knew it was when we purchased our first home because that’s when I started to do more things I was interested in and less for everyone else. The year was 2015, so that would make me almost 30. Wow. So yeah, I was late to the party on taking care of yourself for more than just impressing other people & being ready to serve others.

In the previous episode, we spoke about the WHY behind loving ourselves & the benefit of doing so. If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, please take the time to do that because you will gain a deeper understanding behind WHY it’s so important and how it can helpful to us in life every single day.

Today we are going to chat about HOW we can start loving ourselves more, at least as much as we love others, and what that should look like. Before we dive into that, really quick, I want you to give this a try, for at least 7 days. I know it can feel like it doesn’t matter or not as purposeful to love yourself and instead focus all your energy on other people, and you won’t really know anything about it until you try it. You need to commit to doing it, probably several times, before it will stick & become something you know is beneficial. I gave you all the reasons last episode and will share how to do it in this episode, but you have to try it & tweak it for yourself. And yes, being a people pleaser makes this practice even harder. But still worth it & something that will assist you in pulling away from that behavior.

Here are 5 Ways You Can Love Yourself More:

1. Practice Kindness & Compassion
2. Prioritize Your Needs
3. Forgive Yourself 
4. Choose Better People to Spend Time With 
5. Make Time for Self-Care Activities

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Show Notes:
I don’t really have a personal story to share specifically about this topic, except that I am a recovering people pleaser. But I did take a moment to reflect on how I often would love others more than myself, but I rarely saw that reflected back. And that doesn’t lead me to be upset or even disappointed, but it does prove that self-awareness allows you to see things on a deeper level than normal. I never even noticed this while I was a hard-core people pleaser, but it’s easy to spot now. And something that would cause me to pause & better understand why it wasn’t happening, and hopefully pull away from the behavior because I realize it’s not the healthiest choice.

Loving ourselves just as much as we love others is necessary to our mental well-being. Anyone that struggles with self-worth or is a people pleaser WILL struggle with this, but I KNOW you can do it. I believe I can do it, but only if we keep at it & don’t give up on this challenge.

I as doing research for my affirmation/manifestation book when I came across this idea of needing to love ourselves just as much as we love others. And, like you might imagine if you know me, it stopped me in my tracks & I needed to really think about it. I needed to think about how important this was, how so many people need this reminder on a regular basis and how I don’t do this at all. And if I don’t do this, that means there are so many other people that don’t do this either. 

The importance of loving ourselves as much as we love others is to develop a positive self-image, strong self-esteem and build up our self-worth. Have you ever noticed that when we love someone, we WANT to take care of them & make sure they feel the love & support? This is also how we need to be with ourselves. We need to love ourselves so we WANT to take care of ourselves & prioritize our needs and make ourselves feel our own love & support.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, we often struggle with loving and even accepting ourselves because we lack self-worth, might have low self-esteem, be wrapped up in people pleasing, deal with trauma that has affected all these things & our ability to see ourselves as something more than broken, the list goes on. But we CAN overcome these things. We just have to do the work.

In the next episode, I will share with you HOW you can start loving yourself more to get to the point of loving yourself just as much as you love others. But today, we are going to talk about the importance and benefits of loving ourselves just as much as we love others.

Here are 5 Benefits of Loving Ourselves to the Fullest:

1. Increase in Mental & Emotional Well-Being 
2. Better Self-Esteem & Self-Confidence
3. Our Relationships Get Better 
4. We Take Care of Our Bodies More 
5. Increase in Fulfillment & Purpose

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The biggest reason to keep promises to yourself is the added effect of becoming more confident while doing so. I'm sharing more about that & other tips & knowledge in today's episode.

Show Notes:

This topic came about after watching Courtney Shields’ stories on Instagram during a Q&A sesh. Someone had asked her how she is able to be so confident on the regular & the first thing she mentioned was keeping promises to herself. This is one of her biggest ways to stay confident because it helps her build trust in herself. And this really stopped me in my tracks because I have often spoke about building trust in yourself, but never thought about the link between keeping promises to yourself & building trust in yourself that would eventually lead to more confidence. It got me really excited, though.

I want to go over the importance of keeping promises to yourself, how doing so fosters becoming our best selves every single day, then share some tips on how we can accomplish this every day.

We already know that keeping promises to ourselves builds self-trust. With self-trust, we can count on ourselves to follow through with commitments & do what we say we’re going to do. And this can be an even more important thing if we don’t have people in our lives that do this. We will WANT to build self-trust EVEN MORE if we know we can at least count on ourselves. Regardless, when we build strong self-trust, we know we will get things done, which can also lead to an increase in self-esteem.

It’s a given that building self-trust will benefit our personal growth in relation to resilience & creating new habits that we need to follow through on for it to become a proper habit that’s actually helpful. Consistency & accountability are being built up, as well, when we start to trust ourselves more and more. And when we learn to become accountable to ourselves, we end up accomplishing more and more without too many setbacks. Also, keeping promises to ourselves can be a form of self-care because when we prioritize what we need to do, it’s us investing in our own wellbeing. 

When we consistently keep promises to ourselves, we are also engaging in discipline. You have to have discipline to continue follow through with something when the motivation runs out. And with discipline, we have the ability to make healthy choices & carry on with committment in everything we do.

Productivity isn’t one I thought of off the bat, but it came up in my research time. But it’s true. When we are following through with our promises, we are leaning less into procrastination & are more focused, which leads to getting more completed. And the last one I wanted to mention was the improvement in our relationships. When we can demonstrate that we are able to keep promises to ourselves, we show how responsible & reliable we are. 

Let’s get into How to Keep Promises to Yourself & Make It Mean Something:

1. Figure Out Why You Struggled With This in the Past 
2. Be Realistic With Your Goals
3. Create a Plan
4. Find the Perfect Reminder 
5. Track, Reflect & Celebrate Your Progress 

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We all know that distractions just get in our way of completing whatever needs to get done, but despite knowing this, we STILL allow distractions to take us away from whatever is highest priority at the moment. These distractions could be our family, friends, wandering thoughts, socials, or anything we suddenly find to do in the moment because we are putting off what we know needs to happen.

Today we are speaking specifically about getting distracted from taking care of our mental health & mindset. And allowing distractions into our lives isn’t too different, regardless of what we are getting distracted from, but the strategy we use will have a few different focuses that relate more to mental health than just getting work done.

But before we get into it, I want to mention that being distracted is totally normal. We can’t always be in total focus on everything we do. Sometimes it’s helpful to have a distraction to give ourselves a chance to reset & take a break from things we are too dialed into.

This could still apply to mental health because we might be too focused on working on ourselves in one specific way and welcome the distraction of moving onto to something else & getting shaken up a bit to even try new things.

Just know, there should be no self-induced shame for giving into distractions because we’re all human and not perfect.

Here are 5 Tips on How to Manage What’s Distracting You from Working On Yourself

1. Identify Your Distractions
2. Create & Enforce Personal Boundaries
3. Develop Discipline 
4. Become More Mindful 
5. Seek Accountability 

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Show Notes:
I would often create as many excuses (that I liked to call reasons but we all know those weren’t reasons) as possible to not have time to work on myself. It’s a pretty great strategy because more often than not people will take the help you offer them. It was me being a people pleaser at my best.

But, we all know it’s not the healthiest thing to do. For us to become our best selves & really grow & evolve as much as we need to for our goals & ever-changing seasons of life, we HAVE to stop allowing ourselves to get distracted by everything else in life & focus on the healing and rejuvenation that we know we need.

And let’s be clear, we are ALLOWING these distractions to happen. You might think that other people are always the problem, and they probably contribute, for sure, but you still have the power to not allow it to derail working on yourself.

Before you can figure out ways to clear away all the distractions, you need to figure out WHY you are allowing yourself to become distracted. We will talk about ideas & strategies on how to manage distractions in the next episode, but let’s determine the cause & then shift the effect.

Here are 5 Reasons You’re Allowing Distractions Get in the Way of Your Healing:

1. There’s No Immediate Gratification (it’s not going to be all better over night
2. There’s Shame of Needing Healing (stigmas are real & really lead to a lot of embarrassment & fear of being labeled & ostrichized)
3. Society Has Glamourized Only Being Positive & Happy (we like to talk about how nice it would be to work on our mental health & be so balanced in life, but actually doing the work & realizing it includes painful times & emotional breakthroughs isn’t as picture perfect as they would like)
4. Healing is Really Uncomfortable (healing isn’t fun. It’s really great for us, but it isn’t fun. And it can bring up old thoughts, mindsets & feelings. Maybe even experiences we chose to hide away because it was too much at the time. It’s messy, but it’s worth it to have the freedom that is available to us on the other side)
5. You Lack Support (focusing in on your mental health & mindset can feel so isolating & difficult when you don’t have people supporting the work you’re doing. And if it’s not possible to pay a counselor or therapist for help, it feels even more hopeless. And it’s difficult to know where to start)

Here is the website I was referring to at the end of the episode: https://www.onlinetherapy.com/free-online-therapy-chat/

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When we decide to neglect everything about ourselves & ONLY focus on others, it isn't some selfless deed. It's actually self-abandonment.

Show Notes:
I was on Twitter & saw a tweet from my new favorite psychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera, speaking on self-abandonment. This was her quote, “Putting everyone else’s needs before your own isn’t selfless, it’s self abandonment. Society glorifies this, and it’s a massive reason why so many of us are unwell.” And right after I read this tweet, I KNEW I had to do a podcast episode on this topic.

When I started to do research on self-abandonment, it sounded a lot like people pleasing to me. But what I discovered was that people pleasing IS a part of self-abandonment, but self-abandonment is the umbrella that holds many behaviors & patterns we can fall into.

Healing journeys are heavy. I get it. But you know what’s heavier? The amount of trauma you continue to pile up & not deal with. Once we realize this, we need to start chipping away at it. But we usually don’t until we hit a rock bottom. We put off hard things, with the hope it will be easier to deal with it later, only for those things to get harder.

Dr. LePera also mentioned that society glorifies this fake selflessness. It sees someone doing the most for others, labels it as something profound & wonderful, then tells other people they should do & be the same. And without even realizing it, self-abandonment spirals out of control for so many people and, as she ended her tweet, “...it’s a massive reason why so many of us are unwell.” 

We are unwell in that we are throwing away everything that points to who we are, what we are truly about and the needs, dreams & direction we had for ourselves.  We end up struggling with breaking free from a behavior & mindset that turned us into empty people, born out of the fear everyone has of being selfish.

Self-abandonment happens when you neglect your own emotional, physical & spiritual needs for the sake of helping others with theirs.  When you self-abandon, you neglect your own needs, you ignore your own thoughts, feelings & opinions, and you allow yourself to be used however you can to avoid any type of discomfort, pain or rejection. It’s a coping mechanism to disconnect from their own emotions & desires, with the objective being to avoid rejection & conflict.

It’s also important to note that being this way isn’t a conscious choice.A lot of times, we will choose to do something or engage in a behavior or mindset because it was the way we learned to survive or make it through past experiences, relationships or other pressures in life. 

Here are some of the ways self-abandonment can show up in our lives:

1. People Pleasing
2. Feeling Empty & Numb
3. Neglecting Self-Care
4. Sacrificing Personal Goals & Dreams
5. Harsh Inner Critic 
6. Unable to Ask for Help 
7. Inability to Set Personal Boundaries 
8. Self-Sabotage
9. Chronic Stress & Burnout 
10. Unhealthy Relationships

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Unhealthy habits often prevent us from achieving our goals & becoming our best selves every day. Taking action to shift your unhealthy habits into healthy habits is the best way to create habits that are aligned with your goals. Here are 5 tips to help you shift.

Show Notes:
One of the most unhealthy habits that I have been working on shifting into a healthier habit is People Pleasing. You might not think about people pleasing as a traditional habit, but I see it as a habit because it’s something I perpetually did that was created out of repetition & continually triggered by the need for the reward at the end, which for me was love, acceptance & appreciation.

It’s something I am constantly working on, but do feel like I have successfully shifted most of it into a healthier habit that is more me putting myself first, not depending on external validation & acceptance & being ok with rejection. Again, it’s a daily battle, but I can recognize that I have come a long way. And it’s totally okay that you are continually working on keeping a habit healthy because at least you’re doing the work & not letting it turn you into a victim.

It can be really difficult to determine if the habit you are engaging in is unhealthy if you’ve been doing it for a long time, if it hasn’t caused any trouble YOU can see and if no one has said anything about it. But despite all that, you MIGHT be engaging in unhealthy habits that are holding you back from having & being so much more than you are right now.

In the previous episode, we chatted about how to create habits that aligned with our goals. This is crucial because if we are living life with habits that don’t align with our goals, which is a part of our journey into our futures, then we won’t get there & might not even realize we are drifting into a different direction than we anticipated. Listen to that episode if you haven’t yet, because it will help a ton with the key points in aligning both habits & goals.

Today we are going to chat about how we can shift away from unhealthy habits into healthy habits, which will allow us to work towards our goals & become our best selves.

Here are 5 Tips on How to Shift From Unhealthy Habits into Healthy Habits:

1. Identify the Unhealthy Habit You’re Going to Change.
2. Create a Plan for Shifting to the New Healthy Habit.
3. Stay Consistent.
4. Practice Self-Compassion. 
5. Celebrate Your Progress. 

Thank you again for supporting me in listening, downloading & sharing the show!! I really appreciate it!

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Did you know that it's NOT our choices that dictate our lives, but our HABITS?? And for this to work the best it can, we need to figure out our habits aligning with our goals. Here are 5 tips on how to create habits that align with our goals.

Show Notes:

There was a quote I saw recently speaking on the idea that it isn’t our choices that lead us to accomplish & achieve our goals, it’s our habits. Let me read you the actual quote, because you’ll appreciate it, “People do not decide their futures; they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures.” It’s attributed to Frederick Matthias Alexander, who was an author that created an educational method that broke people out of habitual habits. Amazing, right?

We often believe that our choices are what lead us to accomplish our goals & continue to grow & move forward in life, but it’s really the habits we establish in life that will be the leading force in where we end up. Our habits influence our choices, actions & often thoughts & feelings. So, if we aren’t engaged in healthy habits, we will think we are working towards one thing, when actually we are slowly moving in another direction because we don’t realize that our habits & our goals need to be aligned.

Habits are patterns of behavior that become automatic after using repetition to develop the habit. During my research, someone described it as a loop that reinforces the habit , which also makes it easier to repeat. Something happens or is triggered, you do the behavior, then you get the reward you were seeking. So, if you are feeling really upset & the habit built our of this experience is to go shopping because buying something new to distract you is the reward you’ve created, then that’s what you’ll do the next time you’re upset, despite knowing you should figure out what’s happening under the surface of those feelings or even if you know you don’t have the money to be spending on whatever you find at the store.

And since our habits are so deeply ingrained in us, the next time our brains need to make a decision, it’s easier to go with the habit that already exists then take the time to figure something else out. This is why it’s so important to identify if the habits you currently have are healthy & aligned with your goals. 

So, if you think you can carry on with unhealthy habits (that you KNOW won’t help you get to where you want to be), but still achieve everything you want in life, this might be a bit of a wake-up call for you. And I’m sure you’ve already achieved many things despite unhealthy habits. But ask yourself, “Would it of been EASIER or less struggle to accomplish those things if I had habits to lined up with those goals?”

Here are 5 tips on How to Create Habits that Align With Our Goals:

1. Identify Your Goals + Break Down Into Smaller Goals
2. Brainstorm Habits Needed to Accomplish These Goals
3. Create a Routine Around These Habits
4. Check In On Your Progress + Milestones
5. Reevaluate Your Habits & Goals Regularly

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You aren’t actually stuck in life. You’re just focusing on the wrong things for THIS season of life & you’ve outgrown the way you experience success & need to make changes. Here are 5 tips on what to do to get unstuck.

Show Notes:
Recently my mindset changed on feeling stuck: You aren’t actually stuck in life. You’re just focusing on the wrong things for THIS season of life & you’ve outgrown the way you experience success & need to make changes. 

Feeling stuck can be a challenging experience, whether you understand it’s only because you need a mindset shift or not. Because even if you DO realize you need a mindset shift, you can still be sitting around, wondering where it should shift to & what you SHOULD be doing.

We will get into some tips on what I recommend you do when you’re feeling this way, but first, let’s chat about WHY we feel like we’re stuck in life:

1. If we are lacking direction in our lives or a purpose to work towards & embody, we can feel stuck. This is especially true when we are doing something we don’t want to do, like a job or a place where we live or responsibilities we didn’t want.
2. Not knowing what will happen when we step outside of our comfort zones & make changes can be fear-inducing, which can lead to feeling stuck in life.
3. If you’re already dealing with a lot of stressors & struggles in your life, it will be more difficult to keep moving forward. And if you’re not moving forward, you end up feeling stuck.
4. If you are lacking in multiple areas of your life (friends, money, time, opportunities, support, healthy relationships), you can feel stuck.
5. If you still have a ton of emotional baggage & unresolved trauma hanging around, you will feel stuck in that unfinished feeling.

If you feel like none of these reasons hit home for you, I encourage you to take the time to figure out what YOUR reason for feeling stuck is. It will really help you transition OUT of that feeling if you can. If you’re not sure how to get started on that, I would suggest starting by reflecting on what’s happening in your life right now. Really think about how you feel about your current relationships (or lack thereof), your job, any goals you may have, your money & even the health of your mind & body. If you find it difficult to recall all of these things in one sitting, start writing down any reflections when you do think of something. And look for any patterns in your life that could point you in the direction of what could be triggering feelings of feeling stuck. Also, don’t forget that chatting with someone you trust or a therapist/counselor an help with this exercise, too.

Now, let’s get into some tips on What You Should Do When You’re Feeling Stuck In Life:

1. Figure Out Why You’re Feeling Stuck. 
2. Figure Out What Needs to Change & Create Goals.
3. Take Action On Your Goals.
4. Try Something New. 
5. Celebrate Everything. 

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We cannot expect only one person in our lives (including our spouse) to shoulder all of our problems, struggles & burdens. It's too much to bear. We need a network of people for support. I'm giving 5 reasons why this is true in this episode.

Show Notes:
Last week I had a mental health crisis. It sounds so weird to call it that, but that’s what it’s called when you start to deteriorate in your mind & are falling more and more into depression and can’t figure your crap out. It was a true crisis that almost required outside help, but luckily didn’t. But part of the reason I was dealing with this crisis was because I put too much reliance & dependency on one person in my life.

I’ll be honest with you, it was really painful to hear in the moment, but my husband told me point blank that it was too much for him to handle everything I was dealing with. Of course, he tried to comfort me & encourage me as I was sliding deeper into my depressive state, but it wasn’t enough. And I don’t have any friends close enough to call & talk to them about what I was feeling. So naturally, I was really lonely & my husband was the only one I could see being helpful. But it was too much of a burden for him and I don’t blame him.

I’ve felt that way in the past when he has been going through stuff, but being a people pleaser, I carried the burden as my own & seemed to make it through. And just because I didn’t speak up doesn’t mean I’m better or stronger in anyway. It actually means I am weaker in upholding boundaries & knowing what I should bear & what I shouldn’t. It also wasn’t as bad with him than me because he has parents & friends to call. So there was a bit more balance.

And that’s one of the key points to remember. There needs to be balance. If there isn’t balance in your relationships in regards to how much need to put on someone to help you, be there for you, understand your problems, comfort you when you’re down & support you as you heal, it WILL start to fall apart.

When you rely on one person for everything in your life, the relationship will start to suffer. And this doesn’t HAVE to be a romantic relationship. This can be a friendship or mentorship, too. It can happen in any relationship where you only go to one person for all of your needs or all of your needs in one area. And when this becomes too much, you risk unhealthy dependencies, power dynamics & separation.

Today I want to share with you 5 Reasons You Can’t Rely On One Person for Everything (Including Your Spouse):

1. You Lose Your Independence. 
2. Excessive Emotional Weight on the Relationship. 
3. You’ll Stunt Personal Growth. 
4. Building a Network of Support Creates Security. 
5. Unhealthy Dependencies Can Turn Into Codependent Relationships.

Thank you so much for listening & supporting me! I appreciate every single one of you!

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