Recapturing Wonder: A Faith Memoir

It has been six years since this journey began. Here are some final thoughts on the journey.

Episode 20/20

What brought the whole journey together for me was two things:

To understand my life as a pilgrimage, and not something I attained or owned.

And to have a daily consecration prayer that brought it all together and called me into wonder.

It helps remember the journey, and to embrace a life of recapturing wonder.

Episode 19/20

One of the other things that stopped me trusting the Trinity to call me into flourishing was their justice.

I felt they were unjust, especially that good and bad people flourished. I wanted the good to flourish and the bad people to receive justice, which here meant punishment.

What I failed to understand was that I was sometimes the bad guy. And, more importantly, I had no wonder for how their justice held mercy, love and forgiveness.

When I began to have wonder for this, I realised how their justice called me into life, released me into life, freed from all the mess that got in my way.

What I found was that having been released into this, and holding wonder for all that the Trinity is, I began to be described as foolishly courageous, and I was pleased to be called it.

episode 18/20

For so long I have believed lies about myself and about the Trinity.

What I discovered was that the Trinity says to me, "I am enough. I am loved. I am cherished." What causes me to struggle to believe these statements is one word: not. It is inserted into them by Satan.

The Trinity says, "I am loved." Satan says, "I am not loved." and with that one word so much of my world is brought undone.

This is especially the case when I find myself in the darkness of life, in suffering or hardship.

What I found was that holding wonder for how the Trinity's heart is always for me, especially in the dark, changes everything.

Episode 17/20

For so long I have believed lies about myself and about the Trinity.

What I discovered was that the Trinity says to me, "I am enough. I am loved. I am cherished." What causes me to struggle to believe these statements is one word: not. It is inserted into them by Satan.

The Trinity says, "I am loved." Satan says, "I am not loved." and with that one word so much of my world is brought undone.

This is especially the case when I find myself in the darkness of life, in suffering or hardship.

What I found was that holding wonder for how the Trinity's heart is always for me, especially in the dark, changes everything.

Episode 17/20

I was developing trust that God's heart was for me, that Jesus heart was for me, that the Holy Spirit's heart was for me, and that the Trinity was present and active in my life, but what I lacked was trust that they could call me into flourishing.

I wanted control over flourishing, even after all I had been through. And I didn't know how to gain that trust.

Episode 16/20

As I started to live with the Trinity actually present and active, I saw a similarity with dancing. How I needed to join the dance, and now watch from the side. How the Trinity call me on, help me to dance, and ask me to lead.

I also began to practice active waiting. Not passive waiting where I didn't expect anything, or victim waiting or giving up. Active waiting, where I held vulnerable expectation of them and what they could do. That I needed them.

Episode 15/20

In order for me to trust the Trinity in my now, I need a way to see them present and active in my now.

I didn't want to look back and see how they had done something, or to hope they might do something in the future, I needed to see how they are present and active now.

I found both. That they are always present and here and near and intimately available. And that they are always active and vital and committed and generating the new.

What followed was some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life, where my wonder was broken and repaired, and where I saw the Trinity powerfully present and active in my life and the lives around me.

NOTE: I had so much trouble reading this out. At times I sound emotionless, and other times my voice is breaking. Sorry.

Episode 14/20

After finding the first three guideposts I felt so blessed.

Then I tried to find a way to hold onto it, which developed fears that I couldn't, and I quickly lost sight of the Trinity. It happened fast.

What I found, again, was that the Trinity found me, again. And what I needed to learn was that life is always in the now: not the past or the future, but right now, and I needed to find ways to live with them in my now.

Episode 13/20

The last thing I found at this guidepost was to give away blessing and empowerment. To trust that the Trinity give out of abundance.

This was a challenge, because I hoard blessings and empowerment. I fear God's heart my be against me today, Jesus might be absent, and the Holy Spirit might stop blessing and empowering me. When I understood they are always coming to me, it changed.

Now, I try to be more aware of what the Holy Spirit is doing for me, in me and around me.

Episode 12/20