A federal judge ordered the US Postal Service to reboot its services back to July. The president will be launching the “1776 Commission” to finally teach kids that the US has never done anything wrong in its life ever. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston shared the most awkward scene possible during a table read, with an assist from Morgan Freeman. Paris Hilton is using her real voice from now on. And we made the horrible mistake of asking you, the audience, what’s in Red Lobster’s Mountain Dew Margarita. Ugh. 

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