Relational Trauma SOS

Support trauma-sensitive healing for women impacted by abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment (4-A behavior). Your donation helps fund TS-12 Anon meetings, survivor care packages, healing retreats, and the creation of a safe space to heal and rise. Thank you for being part of this important mission.

Welcome to Relational Trauma SOS, a podcast for survivors of the 4 A’s—abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment. After a four-year pause, host Jeni Brockbank returns with a powerful and deeply personal episode.

In this relaunch, Jeni shares her lived experience of relational trauma, post-separation abuse, systemic harm, and survival—alongside the story of founding H.E.R. Wings Unfold, a nonprofit dedicated to helping women heal with dignity. She also introduces TS-12 Anon, the first-ever trauma-sensitive 12-step program for survivors of 4-A behavior.

Why the podcast disappeared and what brought it back

How Jeni lived through all 4 A’s—abuse, addiction, adultery, abandonment

Real-life examples of post-separation abuse and systemic failure

The launch of H.E.R. Wings Unfold and its healing mission

The need for trauma-sensitive recovery and the creation of TS-12 Anon

Dreaming of a physical healing space with yoga, art therapy, and income-building workshops

How you can support survivors and help rewrite the future of healing

H.E.R. Wings Unfold Website: herwingsunfold.org

Donate to Help Her Heal: herwingsunfold.org/donate

TS-12 Anon FIND A MEETING

Join Our Newsletter: herwingsunfold.org/contact

This original track plays at the end of the episode. This song should be available for purchase by 07/18/2025 on all major platforms.  All proceeds from the song benefit H.E.R. Wings Unfold.

Instagram: @herwingsunfold

Instagram: @relationship_trauma_sos

Share this episode, leave a review, and rate it 5 stars—it helps more survivors find this resource.

 Trauma survivors belong here.

Rhyll Anne Croshaw, with the SA Lifeline foundation, shares her insights about the surrender process.

Why do we need the surrender process? Rhyll says that the rewards of surrendering to God are peace. For those of us who struggle with betrayal trauma, peace is like water to our souls.

Rhyll shares her 3 step surrender process and adds some extra details that I find particularly helpful. The basics to the 3 steps of surrender are:

• 1- Knees.
• 2- Phone.
• 3- Box.

Surrendering to God is a key component of 12 step recovery work. Rhyll’s insights are helpful for newcomers and those more experienced in 12 step recovery work.

NOTES:

To attend a gender specific SA Lifeline 12 step meeting for betrayal trauma and/ or sex addiction, please visit https://salifeline.org/ .

To attend the SA Lifeline conference (virtually or in person) on September 18th 2021 visit https://salifeline.org/s-a-lifeline-conference-2021/. Speakers include Stephanie Carnes and Jay Stringer.

Rhyll Anne Croshaw’s book, What Can I Do About Me, can be purchased here.

The Circles Model can be found here.

The Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast has a previous episode on surrender. You can listen here, or search for episode 13 on most any major podcast platform.

Ashlynn Mitchell discusses how to be the buffalo on this week’s episode. Because Ashlynn has been open with her recent experiences of heartache and thriving, I wanted to learn more. I am grateful that Ashlynn generously shares her experiences regarding healing from her recent divorce. We discuss how to be the buffalo…

• Physically
• Emotionally
• & Spiritually

I’ve implemented some things from Ashlynn’s interview that have helped in my own healing. I am hopeful that they will help in yours as well.

Ashlynn is a podcast host for This Is Ashlynn, The Betrayed the Addicted and the Expert, is a co-creator of the program Beyond Enough, runs betrayal trauma groups and is a health and fitness coach.

Learn to be the buffalo with me? XO Jeni

https://www.instagram.com/mamabear.fitness/

https://linktr.ee/mamabear.fitness

Addiction & mental illness often go hand in hand. Sometimes it’s hard to see that there is an underlying issue. This last year, my eyes have been forced wide open and I am sharing more of our story here.

Very special thanks goes to my husband who decided to let me be more open about our story. This leaves him vulnerable, as he struggles with both sex addiction and mental illness. Thankfully, because we are now aware of the connection, our resources have expanded and we are finding healing.

By sharing our story, we hope that others can know that they aren’t alone, gain awareness and perhaps get much needed help.

Do you sometimes struggle with obsessive worrying about the future? I sure do and it’s normal to struggle when facing betrayal trauma. Our brains are looking for something to land on, but when the future is unsure, future tripping is often where our brains turn.

A year ago I knew that I needed more insight into staying present, so I decided to interview Pam Blizzard. What Pam graciously shared with me was critical to my own healing journey.

I’m excited to (finally!) make this interview public!!! If you struggle with future tripping, like I do, then this interview may be key for experiencing some relief in the midst of intensity.

To find out more about betrayal trauma coach Pam Blizzard and the recovery services that she offers, please visit https://recoveredpeace.com/ . Facebook group: Recovering Spouses of Sex Addicts.

What is sex addiction and might you or a loved one be struggling with sex addiction?

In this sex addiction podcast episode, we will take a whole body approach.  Let’s discuss how sex addiction affects people physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’ll even share my horcrux addiction theory. 

• What is sex addiction?
• Why is it important to be informed about sex addiction?  
• Is sex addiction legit???? 
• Learn how sex addiction affects the user physically.
• How can sex addiction affect the user emotionally?
• Learn how sex addiction affects the user spiritually.
• Sex Addiction Horcrux Theory

Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD speaks to Youth and Parents about Pornography and its impact on the Brain

Brain, Heart, World (3 online videos)

Is Addiction a Choice Or a Disease? Therapy Brothers podcast

Brannon Patrick Instagram Post about how Addiction Isn’t Just Compulsive Behavior

How Porn Changes the Brain (Fight the New Drug)

American Society of Addiction Medicine (addiction quote)

The Coolidge Effect (Wikipedia)

Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach To Recovery by Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate link)

He Restoreth My Sould: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ by Donald L. Hilton (Affiliate link)

Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain & Geoff Streurer (Affiliate Link)

Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong Ted Talk by Johann Hari  Rat Park)

2 Samuel Chapter 11

Psalms 51: 2, 3, 9-11

Revelations 12:7

Third Part of the Hosts of Heaven Explanation by Ask Gramps

Matthew 17:14-21

Matthew 12:43-45

*Highly recommended to get specialized help.  Certified Sex Addiction Therapists are trained in sex addiction.  Find a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) here.

No Fap (forums, groups, paid support groups)

Pure Life Ministries

Lifestar Network

Addo Recovery

Fortify

Path For Men

Pure Life Ministeries

Lifestar Network- (IOP) Intensive Outpatient Program

Sexaddict.com Dr. Doug Weiss (Intensives, counseling)

12 Step Programs:

Sexaholics Anonymous

Sex Addicts Anonymous

SA Lifeline

Addiction Recovery Program (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

Healing Through Christ

Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.  

Emotions!  When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.

“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.  Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.  They learn to hid from their selves." Besel Van Der Kolk

As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It's like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.

From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)

Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,

“You can choose happiness right now!”

“It's alright, you just need to keep going.”

“You need to focus on positive things.”

“Just be positive.”

“You’re so lucky that  _________ didn’t happen to you.”

And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." That's from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)

In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.

Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.

Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It's easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.

Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.

Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)

In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.”

Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action.

To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together.    XO Jeni

SOURCES:

The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

Emotions Aren’t Good Or Bad, They Just Are by Anna Gragert

Mosiah 18:8-10

Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast)

Mourn With Those That Mourn- Hope Works Video 

Scriptures about Jesus cleansing the temple: John 2: 13-16

Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan (Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast)

Amy Andrus Video On the Feelings Wheel

Feelings Wheel

The Difference Between Honoring an Emotion and Indulging In It by Jonice Webb PhD

How To Help a Loved One With a Sex  Addiction

1- Learning About Sex Addiction

2- Keeping things shame free

3- Setting Boundaries 

4- Strengthening Intuition

“Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.”  Brene Brown

5- Surrendering

SOURCES

 The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link)

Betrayal Trauma SOS Instagram post regarding porn being a needle

Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 8: Intuition You Were Right and You Knew It

Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 13: The POWER of Surrendering

Have you wondered how to teach children about pornography? Me too friend. This week's podcast episode is all about raising porn addiction resistant children/

This episode stems from a question from last week’s Q & A: “Hi Jeni!  I have a question for you: how do you raise sex addiction resistant children?  I think about having kids and I worry about them suffering from the same demons that my husband does.  I worry about them picking up not safe emotional habits.” 

I want to say thank you so much for this beautiful question.  I have many of the same concerns and am actively looking for ways to help my 6 children with these very things.  Basically, I’m in the trenches with you.

What does porn do to children’s brains?  

Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton says this: “Our brain cells change with learning. Addictive learning sculpts the brain in a very damaging way and we can become very set in certain behaviors and tastes.

When there is a reward like pornography, that's a specially powerful printing process. The brain doesn't forget that. A 12- year-old who sees hardcore porn is going to say 'Wow that was amazing'.

Sometimes children may be frightened, but the fascination overcomes the fright eventually.

One thing our brain wants is novelty, change. It wants a different face, a different body shape. Boys, and increasingly girls, are struggling with porn. They literally surf for hours looking for the perfect clip to masturbate to.

There is a lot of scientific evidence that sex can, and in particular Internet porn, be addictive. It's like a blackjack game, it's a different set of cards every time.”

The thing is, it's not IF children will see porn, it's WHEN.  

In a talk titled "A Sin Resistant Generation" by Joy D. Jones, she talks about a critical understanding when she says, “We must understand our—and their—divine identity and purpose before we can help our children see who they are and why they are here. We must help them know without question that they are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and that He has divine expectations of them.”

We discuss Rat Park in today's episode as well. We talk about the ROOT of addiction, which is lack of connection.

How do we make it safe for children to share their feelings in our home so that they can ultimately connect in healthy ways with others.

This week we also discuss the skill of making feelings safe. In regards to this, we discuss the following quote from Katy Willis, “When I finally learned that each one of us has the right to feel and that we can validate the other person without also having to validate the drama, the distortions, the story… it has completely changed the way I approach others.”

Something else that we can’t miss in this process is how do we talk to our children about sex and sexuality? Of course this is incredibly personal per family but I’ll share what we are working on.

We'll additionally talk about:

• Talking about sex in age appropriate ways

• Taking shame OUT when talking about sex to children

• How to talk about sex frequently

When Talking About Pornography, here's a few things that we teach our children:

1- Name it (That's pornography)

2- Crash (Turn off any devices, close a magazine, etc.)

3- Tell (Talk to a trusted adult- like a parent)

4- Recognize that no matter how it made you feel, you aren’t bad. Take the shame out.

What To Do When Your Child Tells You That They’ve Seen Porn

If one of my children comes and tells me that they have seen porn, 

Know that there are many levels of porn use and it doesn’t mean that they are addiction.  Of course, it doesn’t mean that there’s not addiction.  Staying curious is critical.

The pattern for my response looks like this:

1- Validate them as a person- bravery- Thank them for trusting me with such hard information.

2- Normalize emotions and desires (not actions.)

3-  Teach correct principles when needed without shame.  

4- Determine what support they need and follow through

5- Love, love love

SOURCES:

A Sin Resistant Generation by Joy D. Jones

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong- Ted Talk- Johann Hari

Children’s Brain Cells Changed by Internet Porn: Neurosurgeon

God Made All of Me by Justin S. Holcomb (affiliate link)

What Should I Do When I See Pornography video by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jensen & Gail Poyner (affiliate link)

Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds by Kristen A. Jensen 7 Gail Poyner (affiliate link)

Fireproof (movie- affiliate link)

Episode 14: Q & A

I appreciate all of the questions submitted for this Q &A episode.

In this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode, I answer your questions about:

• If I am still married to the person who betrayed me.
• What the lines are for staying with your spouse after betrayal.
• How to tell if an addicted spouse is being honest or not?
• How to raise children who are resistant to sex addiction?
• Can I ever recover from betrayal trauma?
• Is there a way to keep from running?
• Can I forgive myself for betraying my spouse?

I greatly appreciate the thoughtful questions that were submitted for this Q & A.

Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Addiction Recovery Program Step 8: Be Firm and Steadfast

The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

(8)Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast: Episode 8: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

UCAP Presentation- Betrayal Trauma, Hope and Healing: How Do I Find My Way Out?  Sherie Christensen

(7) Episode 7: I Am Sacred

(11) Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

(13) Episode 13: The Power of Surrendering

Brene Brown:  3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral (Oprah’s Lifeclass)